Deal breakers, the invisible fence that we put around us in dating and relationships to keep out the losers, douchebags, and crazies. Eharmony recently asked its members what were their top “must have” and “can’t stands”. The results were not too surprising: lying, cheating, and rudeness topped the list of things that women absolutely would not put up with from a man. The top ten rounds out thusly:
Top 10 Can’t Stands For Women:
1. Lying
2. Cheating
3. Rudeness
4. Infidelity
5. Anger
6. Drugs
7. Poor Hygiene
8. Mean Spirited
9. Lazy
10. Racist
I think this is a great list of deal breakers when you’re looking for your next partner. I would even call this list a given, a fixed set that apply to everyone. Where many of us run into problems is the deal breakers that we have above and beyond the above list.
Throughout my years of working with women I have heard a long list of strange, outrageous and simply unrealistic deal breakers. Everything from he must love rabbits to he must want to visit Nepal. What do unrealistic deal breakers do to your love life? The most immediate and detrimental effect is that it narrows the funnel of men that you are bringing into your life. The second thing they do is that they play matchmaker for you and they do a bad job. Deal breakers tend to scream out, “I only want to date people just like me” which is fine in theory but doesn’t account for the reality that opposites can attract and chemistry doesn’t have a checklist to make sure of what you have in common.
I think most of us could deal with taking a good look at what we consider our deal breakers and ask ourselves, are these deal breakers or a wall to keep men out?
Question of the day:
Today I have an interesting question that I want you to think about for a minute before you answer. Are there any deal breakers you currently have that you can do without?
Leave a comment and share with me:
– One deal breaker you think must stay in your life, and…
– One ‘deal breaker’ that you are willing to let go of in order to let more men in.
Can’t wait to see your answers!
P.S. The level of interaction on the last blog was humbling. I love this community we’ve created and I’m so proud of the level of support we all give each other. Help me keep it going and take it to the next level! xx
By the way I know you’re probably excited about making changes in your love life this year. If you aren’t on it already, the Man Myth programme is the perfect way to start. Feel free to learn all about it here.
(via eHarmony)
Hey Matthew! That’s a really good question. The deal breakers which stays in my life are 3 : rudeness, disrespect and cheating. The deal breaker I’m willing to let go is if he is hard worker (works a lot and he is busy), and the sentimentality and sensitivity, which are trades not that specific for men. Thank you for the question, really got into thinking!
Take care,
Plamena x
My biggest pet peeves are lying, cheating , disrespecting.. Those are must not haves! Everything else is trivial . If i was to let go of one — will be cheating .. Cuz no matter what class,creed or color- they all cheat , so i have learnt to live with it
Hi Matt,
Aside from the obvious must not haves: Lying, cheating etc. I would say that a must have is that he must be at least as smart as me and going to uni. I’m doing quite a challenging course and I want someone that gets that and that I can have intelligent conversations with. Things I could let go are interest in music and nerdiness (I am a total nerd but he doesn’t have to be). :)
Mon
What if your man visits porn sites many times a week? Is that considered cheating? He learns from the porn which, in turn, makes our sex fabulous.
I can’t and don’t think I will ever be able to accept a cheater. But I think I can let go of the lying. Your man won’t have to lie to you if both of you have a strong sense of communication, then you can calmly work through your problems together.
The one I’ll keep is good posture, with a vibrant connection to his own body/physical experience (I’m a dancer :). The one I would like to be more open about is that he doesn’t have to be as good a communicator as me.
one deal breaker I must keep on my list is that they have to be able to support themselves.
one deal breaker I can let go is that they can not have facial hair
To me I think I cannot have a man who is a cheater and lazy bum…The rest just inconvenience.
An absolute non-negotiable is that he has to have integrity. He should abide by his word, have respect for other people (and himself too of course!), and be steadfast & dependable.
A non-negotiable that I can give up? He doesn’t have to be a party boy. Used to require that my man be as extraverted as me, but I’m starting to find other people to go out with…don’t need my man to join :)
Arrogance is a big turn off. If a guy takes himself too seriously and cannot laugh at himself that’s a deal breaker
I’ll give you two deal breakers that are not mentioned above and I definitely need to hold on to: he has to have a good sense of humour and he has to have a high sex drive.
But I’m also willing to loosen on two things that used to be important deal breakers for me: he doesn’t have to speak my language (as long as I speak his) and maybe he doesn’t have to positively want to get married after all.
My biggest deal breaker: the guy has to ‘get’ me and love me and be supportive.
On the other hand, he doesn’t have to be passionate about the same things I’m passionate about. As long as he’s ambitious and passionate.
If I can look up to him, he’s a catch and a half!
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Found this blog after the one I just read. I came up with a long list of standards a number of years ago. All of which are all internal character type things I look for. Which I realized that if I wanted to find a mr right I have to invest in getting to know men on a far more deeper level then just meeting them. (In other words giving them a chance to show me who they are which in the past I was not doing)
Probably the huge standard I have had is trying to find someone who is not only a Christian but also understands me spiritually. I think my faith is in rare form in that it is focused on a relationship with God and all I do, right or wrong, surrounds around protecting that and in some ways how I “feel”. I might not do something just because it doesn’t feel right.
So I have had to compromise some with my expectation. I think having a standard of sharing “Christian” values and what drives certain decisions is important. I had a long discussion about this with a relationship coach I had. She was very “spiritual” although not Christian, but totally got me. She told me that she finally learned that she needed to just find someone who would accept that part of her life and that it was ok for her to do her thing and him not be part of it. This bothered me because I still think at some level you should share certain values. Like I am not going to date someone who is Hindu because we would not share the same values.
But there is no way on this planet that I think I will meet someone that totally “gets” me spiritually. It’s not that these types of men do not exist…they do…but the chances of finding that similarity AND all the other important traits I think narrows the number of men down to like 10 in the earth. Add to that I am not as “rules” oriented and that wipes out most men that say they are “Christian” because they are just about rules…at which point I shut down.
So my compromise is to try and find someone who shares fundamental values that I have but that doesn’t need to be as spiritual. The other compromise would be to find someone who is exactly like me spiritually but compromise maybe on someone who is broad minded as myself and he can live in his rules world.
So trying to find the right person on the inside rather than a cookie cutter perfect person because I do not think he exists. I think if someone just says I have my own relationship with Jesus and grow that in my own way that would now fulfill my standard. Where in the past I would want to know if a guy had some of the same experiences I have had in my faith…which are as rare as finding a diamond in the sand.