Here’s a quick response to a comment on my latest iHeartRadio video ‘Are You Pretty Or Ugly (Be Honest)‘ that I feel is important for you to read.
Paula says:
“This is sort of silly coming from Matt. Clearly Matt, you do not know what it’s like to be overlooked and what it’s like to be unattractive. The majority of the comments on your FB page and this blog are basically grown women fawning over how hot you are.
Looks DO matter. To say otherwise is utter and complete BS. Guys and girls are attracted to looks. People who are beautiful tend to attract more men into their lives (or women) and have more selection when it comes to finding a mate.
Also men with a hot woman will put up with her BS far more longer than if he were with a woman with the same flaws but average looking. Good looking people do benefit from their looks.There is scientific research that indicates beautiful people get selected for better jobs and are perceived more favourably then their less attractive counterparts. To say this message is actually doing a disservice. Matt if you were ugly, I am sure you would not be getting the same reactions on your comments as you do now.”
My Response: (broken down as follows)
“This is sort of silly coming from Matt. Clearly Matt, you do not know what it’s like to be overlooked and what it’s like to be unattractive. The majority of the comments on your FB page and this blog are basically grown women fawning over how hot you are.”
If you think I’ve never been overlooked you are severely mistaken. If you think that I’ve never been rejected by someone who didn’t find me attracted you are also severely mistaken.
I may get attention on my looks due to my work being seen by hundreds of thousands of women, but I also know that in any long-term relationship with a woman, my worth has been valued very differently. My looks have never kept someone around who didn’t want to be with me for deeper reasons.
“Looks DO matter. To say otherwise is utter and complete BS. Guys and girls are attracted to looks. People who are beautiful tend to attract more men into their lives (or women) and have more selection when it comes to finding a mate.”
I can show you MANY beautiful people who get no attention because they have zero charisma and aren’t interesting, and I can show you MANY people who haven’t got movie star looks who attract everybody. The lesson is that anyone can learn the things that make someone inherently attractive, regardless of their looks. Your argument is far more defeatist and deterministic. One day I may not have my looks anymore, but I sure as hell don’t intend on losing my attractiveness when that day comes.
“Also men with a hot woman will put up with her BS far more longer than if he were with a woman with the same flaws but average looking. Good looking people do benefit from their looks.”
Who cares if he is unhappy and ends up leaving anyway?
“There is scientific research that indicates beautiful people get selected for better jobs and are perceived more favourably then their less attractive counterparts. To say this message is actually doing a disservice. Matt if you were ugly, I am sure you would not be getting the same reactions on your comments as you do now.”
So what? The people I envy are people that can walk into any room and create opportunity using their charm, their conversation, and the value they bring. It has nothing to do with their looks. In fact, many of the most charismatic people I know are the least good looking by ‘media standards’.
Perhaps, instead of coming at it from such a defeatist angle, serving only as a convenient excuse for anything and everything that’s not right in someone’s life – after all, who among us feels pretty every second of the day? – you might look to some of the ways you could actually bring value to the world. (Tip: Bitterness isn’t one of them.)
And I couldn’t disagree more with your statement about my own comments. I believe that what makes me attractive to people are my thoughts, my energy and my outlook. To say this is just because of looks is an abhorrent thought, and one that I don’t think many would agree with you on.
I can give you any number of Youtubers who get HUGE love and admiration (and YES attraction) because of their online personas, even though they are not stereotypically good looking. Conversely, if being good looking were the standard for being a big online personality, there would be FAR more of them. Fortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
I place no real value on my looks (something I did nothing to earn or create aside from keeping a healthy body), and I certainly don’t expect anyone else to.
I’ve trained my eye to scan past any looks-based comments in pursuit of ones that actually talk about what I’ve said. The latter are far more interesting.
Ultimately my focus is on creating things in the world. That is what I measure myself on, and what I am measured on daily. I also value the same in other people.
Is the media fatuous and superficial? In many ways, yes. But unless you are trying to be an actor or a model in Hollywood, 99.9% of people live in a different world – the REAL one – a world full of complexities, differing tastes, and standards that are far more idiosyncratic than “does he/she look like Brad/Angelina?”
People are deeper than you might like to give them credit for, even if you have decided not to believe it.
But since you have so labelled me one of life’s ‘good looking people’ – thanks for the compliment – and I am apparently doing a disservice by talking about how looks aren’t as important as we’ve been lead to believe, I have to ask – would you rather I have been superficial?
*Photo Credit: Allen Skyy
You’re a very charming person to watch, you’re videos are profound and interesting and your insight and knowledge is incredibe but there is also a really playful and amusing side to you that is quite infectious! You’re like the Matt Smith Dr Who of Relationship coaching! And that, my dear Watson, is why we tune in to your videos! :)
Haha, I love that idea! So much scope! We should get Matthew to do a Dating Dr. Who episode, where the only way he can save the Earth is to get everyone into a relationship. Jameson and Stephen could be his companions. Geronimo!
Paula did not write that looks are EVERYTHING and that nothing else counts. From my point of view, she is just claiming that looks do matter at some level.
Claiming that looks don’t matter AT ALL is very disrespectful to every person, especially women, who have suffered for being seen as ugly. Being perceived as ugly and called so is many times a BRUTAL experience. It is just so disrespectful to say to these women, many of which have been through painful experiences of exclusion and bullying from an early age, that they are guilty of being negative, defeatist and judgy and that the whole issue is just in their minds.
I don’t think Matt is wrong on the subject, but I also don’t think we should judge anyone who thinks a little different, especially because we don’t know what these people have been through.
I would also like to point out that it is very ironic (to say the very least) that the picture that illustrates Matt’s response that looks don’t matter is actually a very beautiful woman.
Right now I wear a breathing mask outside – not beautiful at all. It is a clunky one as well, but around the same time I’ve been building up my confidence drastically. I’ve become more open, too.
AND I have never heard as many compliments as I get now about my looks! I’ve had many guys say how they like my style.
I love Matthew, BUT looks DO matter. Period. I have seen beautiful women with no personality, no intelligence, get and keep amazing men and jobs for that matter. Sorry. Good theory, not good in practice. It sucks, but it’s true. It is the world we live in.
I going to say what everyone roles their eyes at: It sucks to be unusually good looking. For me it is mostly good genetics. Sure this causes attention which is both good and bad, but is that what you really want? Do you just want attention? When a guy finds out you are “the total package”, then all of a sudden you are “marriage material”. Ok so this seems all good if you adore the guy, yet annoying if you want to get to know him first. He invests too much in this idea of you guys together. But woah hey you are still a person. So what happens when he steps out of his fantasy world? He gives a bullshit excuse which ends up relating to his lack of confidence in himself. We all like the fantasy. Yet it takes a good man to figure out reality is so much better. Dating is difficult all around. There is no magic ingredient for “happily ever after”.
If you aren’t very charismatic you had better have good looks. Fortunately having an intriguing personality is something everyone can aspire to. And how cool is it NOT to be the most classically beautiful person in the room and still be a confident people magnet? I think it’s deliciously defiant and extremely sexy.
We really need to re-educate ourselves about what beauty can mean. A truly beautiful human being is multidimensional and complex, looks are just one part of that whole.
I think Matthew is spot on.
Like! True beauty is internal, anyhow.
Well said, missblack!
I agree with Matt here. I’ve been told by many guys that I am attractive and gorgeous etc etc, but I haven’t been asked out on a date by a guy I like ever, and I haven’t been on a date in 3 YEARS. Why? Because I’m too scared and insecure to show my real personality and to open up to people. This is something I really need to work on and it is really hard, I won’t lie, because I’ve been like that for so many years. So I know from experience that looks don’t mean anything. The girls I’m jealous of aren’t the ones who look like models, they’re the ones who can be themselves fully and that’s how they attract guys.
Hi – I can relate to what you’re saying. I didn’t know I was attractive, but apparently guys thought I was. They never told me because I wasn’t able to let them get close.
One thing that is helping me is Matt’s advice to smile and be more open to everyone. Lately I find I’m not worried at all about a guy’s reaction — I’m just doing “my thing”.
Also, I recommend Rhonda Britten’s Fearless Living. This could help you get to the root of it and find out how to be yourself!
Brilliantly explained, absolutely sometimes a person’s personality or lack of personality can make then seem less attractive. You could be shown someone’s photograph and not be attracted but then see them in person and be attracted. And I wonder about the research being done- is it purely based on a person’s facial features or other things like body language and general manner. The latter two depend a lot on personality methinks ;)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about a. Regards
Matt, I agree with you on most of your posts, but got to disagree on this one. Look is definitely a factor in the formula (whether it’s the formula for attraction, success, fame, or other things in life). If we compare 2 persons, everything else equal, then the one with the stronger ‘look’ factor definitely ‘wins’. In the other word, look does matter.
However, given look is only one of the factors in the formula, it happens that, as we’ve observed, many people who are very physically appealing still get overlooked, rejected, or can’t keep a long-term relationship because they might not have other factors (e.g. charisma, positive energy, kindness, awareness, perseverance, etc.) which are involved in the formula and have an impact on the final outcome.
Same for people who don’t have outstanding appearance but might achieve great things, they normally have other very strong factors in the formula, which combined still leads to a great outcome.
However, the extent to which the look factor plays in the formula and has an impact on the final outcome depends on the situation and people involved. Sometimes it’s a deal breaker, sometimes it has a much smaller effect.
youll learnd Hi matt:-D im berna from the phils:-D and sorry girl but I agree with matt..actually when I watch his vids on youtube..and sometimes im at work..instead of watchn the whole vid i just listen on what he has to say(no offense matt) its somethng like his advices are so directly on what u need to hear/to knw that u dnt need to see hm for u to believe. We call it ‘sapul’ or ‘sakto’ in tagalog, meaning direct. I also knw a lot of people who Who are attractive bt dont have charisma or nt intresting..u can have that perfect barbie vital stats and have no sexual appeal, nothn at all. in time , all those big. Perky things will sag, etc …whats left is your true value:-D
Matt, no offence but I kinda thing, in my humble opinion that women commenting on your looks are missing the point! Keep ignoring the sugars and keep the content flowing.
I see why this pushes people’s buttons, for sure. Looks are a big deal, or there wouldn’t be so many billion-dollar industries focused on them. But I think the point is not that looks don’t matter AT ALL, but they aren’t the be-all-end-all of successful dating or relationships.
The role that looks play is a really important one, which is to get people’s attention. (Like how birds and plants and every other thing on this planet get attention in order to reproduce.) Looking your best can mean the difference between getting a date and not, if you don’t have another way of getting someone’s attention, but it’s not the ONLY way (and this blog is full of other ideas for how to do that). Once you have someone’s attention, if you turn out to be vapid and rude, the bubble of “wow, she’s gorgeous so she must be perfect in all other ways” tends to burst a little, and your shiny hair will matter less. If instead you turn out to be scintillating and a good listener, you will conversely become more attractive, and the person will notice other things about you that they like as well. And if you should happen to have unlucky facial genetics, poor grooming habits AND a grouchy, dull personality, true, you may not get anyone hankering after you…but at least you can work on the latter two qualities and improve your prospects.
Matthew is able to use his looks to great effect–because why wouldn’t he? You use the assets you have, and it’s smart business to capitalize on them in a way you know people will respond to. BUT that’s not all he has going for him. Would any of us be following this blog if it were just a bunch of bland clichés and marketing pap with a pretty face slapped on top of it? He may be getting people in the door with the looks, but he has to WORK to keep them. (And he does.)
I came to this blog by clicking on a sidebar ad I saw on youtube, and yes, it was not the title of the link that got my attention but the dude in the picture. But what fascinated me was that the video was actually engaging and had something genuinely earnest to say–and that I realized I hadn’t been expecting that. I had fallen into the assumption that I think many of us make unconsciously, that people who look like magazine covers must have nothing else going on, because they haven’t had to develop skills other than looking and staying beautiful. Whether or not this prejudice has basis in truth (which I really don’t know), it’s interesting to examine. I think we expect to have to put up with more crap from beautiful people, too, since we expect they’re used to getting their way–and we sort of want to give it to them, too. Physical beauty is compelling. But it doesn’t go very far towards making up for someone’s lack in the areas of being interesting, talented, hard-working, intelligent or funny, when you stop staring and start trying to talk to them, work with them or date them.
We may think, from afar, that the magazine-cover people must be more successful, happier, and better-loved than we are, for all the reasons the multi-billion-dollar industries tell us. In that sense, looks matter–but in a bad way, by playing into our fears and prejudices and making us crazy. :P Especially if we’ve been told by loser jerks that we’re lacking in the looks department, as someone mentioned below. But coveting something, or feeling intimidated by it, does NOT mean it would solve all our problems if we had it.
One of the things that makes beautiful people attractive is when they KNOW they are getting attention and admiration, so they look confident, which (as Matthew often says) is one of the most attractive things. If you can derive that confidence from your awesome personality, which both draws people in and then makes them happy to be there, are you really going to care what shape your nose is? :)
I agree with Emily. Looks count due to first impressions. Afterwards, it’s personal charm, charisma and confidence and whether you’re an interesting person.
Without basic grooming, there’re points already deducted. So why not just make an effort to be the best we can be?
How are you today
For my opinion best of my experience the guy is easy to make a relationship but one time if I can see the attitude even they can’t see can see in web cam I can fell they are good but normally they show their bud attitude… Maybe they are sellict the best for them..then after the long term relationship I can find out is not good bec of the long distance relationship is not…bec of luck financial that’s why..even if u are cumpatable if the man can’t make a Eger to see you its useless nothing happen the man that they made it..thank you so much for the nice vedio that I can watch..from
Liza
LOVE THIS!