This is article #25 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
(Photo: Ben Raynal)
Enter Stephen
Having a Not-To-Do List can be much more powerful than having a To-Do list.
Take dieting. Nutritionists have repeatedly shown to get in shape, simply adding exercise and protein shakes to your routine isn’t enough; for REAL dramatic changes in your body shape, it’s more important to get rid of the bad input in your diet (e.g. processed carbohydrates, refined sugar, excessive alcohol).
Take time-management. As authors like Tim Ferriss have repeatedly shown, the most productive people achieve their crazy output simply because they are good at saying NO to people and eliminating unnecessary distractions from their day. In other words, they don’t try to add more stuff to their routine, they just take on LESS and do a few things well.
Take writing. One of the most famous handbooks for writers, The Elements of Style, focuses extensively on eliminating bad habits that writers have picked up, instead of offering just a bunch of techniques to add to their repertoire. One of the strongest maxims in the entire book, for example, urges writers to omit needless words.
Getting rid of the bad, then, often has more impact than adding the good.
This also applies in dating. One bad trait can ruin the potential of an entire budding relationship. It doesn’t matter how many little 1% positives you add if you’re starting at -100%.
I’ve noticed how some women try out the advice Matt gives in the book or in his video blogs; they meet more men, start conversations and get more sociable, and although they start getting some more dates, they eventually become disillusioned. Because they are now putting twice the effort into their love lives, and take on many new behaviours, but still seem to be scaring away guys for some unknown reason.
Then they rightfully get pissed off – and wonder how they can possibly try any harder than they already do.
But being more attractive isn’t just about doing more stuff. You can be doing everything you can to meet and date new guys, but if you have one or two really bad habits it can do lethal damage to your chances of ever hearing from a guy after a first-date.
So below I’ve laid out a Not-To-Do List for dating in general.
Lose these major turn-offs and you instantly increase your attractiveness simply by ironing out a few bad habits.
Many habits can be easily fixed – they are often just patterns we’ve gotten into over time. Once you’re aware of how destructive these behaviours can be, all you have to do is the exact opposite:
5 Habits That Destroy Your Long-Term Relationship Potential
1. Talking About Your Love Life As Though It’s A Project
Anyone who gets frequently lost in long conversations about the state of their love life, and discusses ‘it’ as though it were an object, as in “how is it doing?” and “is it in a good place now?”, might as well be wearing a bumper sticker that says “NEVER date me – I’m a neurotic disaster who will probably blog about you immediately after this date and add you to my long list of dating stories”.
You might view your love life as a project (and if you do I advise you to stop now), but at the very least stop diagnosing and examining it through a microscope as though you were cataloguing the life-cycle of a new bacteria. Or please, at the very very least, don’t talk to guys about your love life in this way.
The same goes for being a relationship martyr. Cease all conversations in which you express your puzzlement at not finding a great guy. Or worst of all, that conversation where you bemoan the fact great guys don’t even exist (because that really does turn-off the good ones).
Great guys want to choose you, not save you. And that means not making him feel like he’s a chapter in your own personal Bridget Jones dating saga.
2. Excessively Complaining
People do this one all the time without even realizing. Try for just this week to count the number of times you complain about something to a friend or colleague (or even a date) and I guarantee you’ll be shocked.
We all have to blow off steam. It’s a natural therapy to get out frustration.
But notice if you’re:
(a) Complaining just to make conversation
(b) Complaining to indulge
(c) Complaining about something that doesn’t really matter (which is nearly everything)
There are funny ways to complain, and there are times when it’s appropriate to show you won’t stand for something. But the point here is about frequency. Recent research has shown that couples need a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Think of every time you complain about something on a date as a negative interaction, and seek to minimize it as much as possible.
3. Running Yourself Down (A Lot)
Most people strike the balance wrong when it comes to self-deprecating humour.
The point of self-deprecating humour is to point to a little foible or shortcoming you have, and make yourself the butt of a joke. When used sparingly and confidently this can be very effective. But a lot of people over-use it, or tend to leave out the humour part and just appear to others to be running themselves down all the time, which makes you look insecure.
People who point out their flaws too much lose the charm of being flawed and end up just looking like someone who constantly airs their insecurities out to the world, whether it’s over their weight, their intelligence, or some failure in their career they can’t move on from.
The truth about most flaws is that people are looking to see how you deal with them. If you constantly bring them up in a negative way, it signals that you don’t respect yourself and that whatever the hang-up is, you are in no way comfortable about it.
Now, I say this one with trepidation, because I know just how nauseating the opposite kind of person can be: The absurdly contented over-the-top positive narcissist who loves themselves and is unfalteringly confident is also just as repellant, and usually comes across as fake and inauthentic.
Conclusion: There is always a balance between being cocky and self-deprecating, but as a general principle: minimize the self-criticism in public (plenty of others will criticize you anyway). It might be fun to indulge in it occasionally, but no-one wants to live with the person who constantly treats themselves as a consolation prize.
4. Failing To Curb Neediness
Neediness includes any behaviour that shows you aren’t self-validated. The worst kind are things like: texting/calling a guy too much, needing constant praise and attention, being possessive and jealous, being so desperate for approval that you agree with everything a guy says, or just showing that you can’t enjoy yourself without him.
People can get away with neediness at first if a guy is already attracted, but after a few months he’ll develop a creeping sense of dread and be desperate to escape as quickly as possible.
5. Being Shallow And Obsessed With Gossip
Shallowness often goes with being self-absorbed.
It’s another one of those traits that has a life-span. If a woman ticks lots of other boxes, a guy will put up with it for a while – but eventually it becomes wearing and makes him crave deeper and more intellectual company.
Try to notice if your default is to constantly slip into gossiping about your friends, or if you tend to avoid deep subjects and always keep things at a surface level. Shallowness usually goes hand in hand with being boring, so it’s crucial to understand the basics of intriguing conversation that will let you explore his personality more (and reveal more of your own).
These things might seem like they require enormous changes, but in my experience, just being aware of an unattractive characteristic can take you a long way towards ironing it out of your personality. Chances are you show a few of these traits from time to time (which we all do). Pick the one or two that you think might apply to you, and make a commitment for the next 30 days to iron them out.
What are the biggest turn-off behaviours you notice in guys? Let me know in the comments below!
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Hi Stephen :
Wow! The article made me think of the changes I have been working on and that at certain points in my life I had been guilty of some of them. (Admit to struggling with number 3 still – but it is a work in progress!) I have co-workers who are guilty of complaining constantly and it really is unattractive!!
Biggest turn offs for me would be arrogance (especially if they have no reason to be ) ” know it alls ” , rudeness and lack of respect towards people they feel no need to engage with.
Loved the article and it gave me pause to reflect on the work I have done. Keep the thought provoking articles coming!!
Warmest Regards,
Shev x
Hi D, I’m not a huge fan of tattoos either but some guys get tattoos for all sorts of reasons. Some I suppose just think it’s “cool” and there’s no emotional connection to them. But I think some guys get a tattoo that has a deeper meaning for them. Maybe they lost someone very special in their lives and wanted to commemorate that. Finding out the reason WHY a guy got a tattoo could make a difference in your attraction to him. Oh and hey approaching a guy and asking a guy about a tattoo could make for some good conversation, right.
I’m a tad guilty of talking about my love life as if it’s a project. I’m prone to analyzing my feelings and airing them out. Not obsessively though. Mental note: Must stop.
My guy turnoffs? That knee-jerk reaction some guys have about relationships, when they blurt out “I’m not ready” early on, like on the first or second date. I have to restrain myself from rolling my eyes. It doesn’t feel genuine at all, but some canned phrase that they use to mask how they feel, or to hide fears about past crap relationships, or because society tells them it’s better to be single. And usually this phrase comes after being intimate, not necessarily sex. It feels weak to me, as if they are saying, don’t hold me accountable to anything. When I hear a version of the “I’m not ready” phrase, it’s such a disappointment. Not because I’m already wanting a relationship from this person, but because the guy suddenly renders himself average, in the big pool of men who are scared of relationships. And that is so cliche.
Maybe I’m being harsh? I have softened my response to this phrase, but only for men who seem like they are worth some growing pains to get to know.
So not harsh M – that’s completely on the button. It is disappointing and it is actually really insulting – especially if they’ve already been (or trying to be) intimate with you.
Sometimes it’s just a way to have no-strings sex (fail).
Sometimes it’s because they *assume* you want everything from them and they get terrified and can’t just relax.
Sometimes it’s because they think you’re going to reject them so they have to make it seem like they weren’t even available in the first place.
Mostly they just need to chill tf out and work out what they can give and what they do want – and be honest with themselves and you.
The ones who say they can’t commit and yet keep coming back & acting possessive are the most in denial.
Definitely a good way to turn a woman off.
It’s when the guy wants to do anything I want to do. The attitude “We’ll do it as you want it” or “I’ll do anything just to be with you” turns me off. It could be flattering in a way “he does anything for you” but it is not. For some reason the guy becomes less attractive. I’m giving him a second chance though, he was a nice guy and I would like to explore why he responded like that…
A few things i have noticed while dating were that some men dont make an effort to dress very well eg old t shirt and jeans, untidy hair. Also I went on a date with a guy who continually looked around the room at other women. Im not asking for complete undivided attention but a bit of respect goes a long way especially as I make the effort,good manners cost nothing.
5 biggest guy turn-offs (apart from the above, which apply to men too)
1. Arrogance
2. Ill manners
3. Being precious/pathetic (as in unassertive, overly apologetic, timid, uncertain)
4. Laziness
5. Unkindess
To save space, I will stick to only 5 (but trust me, there are more)
1. Trying WAY too hard- this is the guy that is completely full of it and lies (usually excessively) in order to impress a woman. Men have no idea that this is a complete turnoff and usually leads to us (namely me) never returning your call/text ever again.
2. Arrogance – this is a guy with no humility whatsoever. I once literally heard a guy say “I’m good at everything” and really thought he was, even though he was proven time, and time again that he wasn’t. Admitting you are a human with flaws isn’t weak, and it isn’t a turn off either; acknowledging your short comings makes for a well rounded person. Well rounded men attract good women.
3. The “I don’t want a relationship” guy. (I’m agreeing with M below) This is the guy that blurts this out unexpectedly and at times it is completely uncalled for. We are just having a good time, laughing, ribbing and suddenly blurts out “I don’t want to commit to you” in so many terms. It is such a turn off, many women won’t even talk to this guy anymore when he calls again. Which he certainly does, for some reason, despite not wanting a relationship. *NOTE: this only applies to guys that spew this out of the blue in an unrelated situation.
3. the guy that does not respect himself. Self explanatory
4. The guy that doesn’t try–and then complains. This the loser that has a profile with no picture, no description (or very little of one or the other) and then complains that he’s not getting anywhere. This is also the the guy that just spews crappy liners/game, expecting sex or a companionship from his very pathetic attempt. (E.g. “Hey, um, I just blah blah…beautiful”) At least that’s how it sounds to us.
5. The guy that just doesn’t have a clue. This guy is not necessarily a bad person, just uninformed and spews ignorance like spittle; and for some reason has gotten away with it until now. “Well women just cry their way out of everything.” When in reality, they have not a clue what they’re talking about or have no idea what life is about outside their bubble. This applies to race, gender, class, nationalities, etc.,
I love 2 and 3. If only more guys could handle those traits better they would find life so much easier!
Most guys act arrogant because they misunderstand confidence. And most guys become the “I dont want a relationship” guy because they don’t have a good way of communicating what they want OR they make everything too much of a big deal because they are terrified of commitment.
Also, no. 4 is great, and applies to many guys I’ve met. They think they deserve and are entitled to so much just for existing and just because they aren’t total assholes. Then they moan about why women don’t realise how incredible they, despite them making no effort whatsoever.
We need to find a way of sending these to men out there ;)
Thanks Sabrina!
Stephen x
Biggest turn offs:
I think you can tell a lot about a guy based on the habits he has, and there are certain habits that I find real turn off’s.
Habit of eating poorly, not exercising, procrastinating, spending beyond his means, gambles, drinks an excessive amount of alcohol or indulges in drugs, doesn’t pick up after himself and keep a tidy home/room, doesn’t work towards his career goals, develop a skill, make effort to continue learning on his own, womanising.
My biggest turn offs are:
Agression (both passive and aggressive) – I barely ever have arguments with anyone EVER. I think I can only name 1 or 2 in my entire lifetime and they were for very big reasons. When someone displays anger, it makes me anxious and nervous. I can’t be with someone like that. You want to feel like when you’re with someone you’re “coming home” not associate their presence with feelings of anxiety.
Disloyalty – It’s OK to find other women attracted. Heck I am and all with men! But when they act on those feelings, or look at other women, I find it disrespectful and another way of them saying “I don’t value you as my significant other”.
Both good points Laura. Though I don’t think arguments now and then are such a bad thing, as long as you (a) approach them without being nasty/rude i.e. show respect, and (b) make up quickly afterwards. I sometimes find people who avoid arguments too much a little hard to deal with, maybe too passive or something. But by and large, yea, the less big conflicts, the better.
Thanks!
Stephen x
My biggest turn-offs are closed or narrow mindedness, rudeness or complaining especially when they are kids, senior citizens or animals, and any display of rage or anger. One other thing, if he lies to someone on the phone about ANYTHING, he will lie to you too.
Biggest turn-offs in guys: openly evaluating other women’s desirability; being naive about their readiness for anything immediately after a divorce; demanding too much and not listening to objections; smoking; getting drunk.
Oh my!!! You just described my last “boy” friend… LoL!!!
Being called ‘sexy’ or ‘hey sexy’ in the first five minutes. Yucky and desperate.
I wanted to share something with you MAtt, since you are my coach on dating. MAtt I don’t remember how many people I have dated so far, but they want to have sex on first or second date!! it’s shocking to me. It’s so common that a guy wants to have sex on second date and it happens allot to my friends and me. I’m 29 and I passed my teenage years, I expect them not to treat me like a teenage girl.
Sometimes guys push boundaries to see what they can get away with. If you show him your standard ( in a kind way), he will either honor it and be more respectful to you or he will get angry for not giving him what he wants. If he reacts in a negative way, he’s made the decision for you to move on! Advice taken from Matt btw
Hi Stephen, many of these habits are ones that i do possess, and i do realize that. There is one in general that i have a question about, and that is the “running yourself down” area. I have improved on my confidence in the past year or so but still need work. My boyfriend often points out my flaws, such as my figure/health, my “shyness”, and my ways of communication, jokingly but also in a serious sort of way. I often get confused as to whether or not he is trying to help me,l as i am trying to stay as confident as possible while still trying to improve on myself. Sometimes the criticism is a little much when i am trying very hard already. I want to always improve, but i have a question, Do you think that he is trying to help because he really cares, or is he trying to change who i am as a person? I hope this was clear and not too long.
Thanks, Monique
Regarding the turn offs from men, I would love to hear your take on the nice guy trait. These are men who are not necessarily bad, but at the same time feel they should not be required too much effort because well they don’t commit the big sins of cheating, abuse etc.
These guys are a little more difficult to identify and it would require you spending more time with them to notice these traits.
I’ve known some loving attentive guys, who felt that because they are, they then didn’t have to be mature, responsible, reliable etc and took any accusations of such, as an opportunity to play the victim.
There is a lot to be said also about the guys who also lie to themselves and run around thinking they love everyone rather than really see that they just use everyone around them to fill voids. These too are the “nice guys,” who readily commit, and are attentive, but the moment things get difficult they are looking to the next person to fall in love with.
You should do an article dedicated to the nice guys…and yes I’ve heard Matt on “nice guys should finish last.”
jj
When a guy starts talking about all the women that he had sex with. I like to feel special that he chose me. If he mentions 10 women on a single date I get the feeling that anyone can have him and he seems cheep and dirty, not in a good way.
Also if a guy keeps telling me how much his car cost, how expensive his watch is, what he owns and what he can give me. It starts to feel as if we are negotiating a business deal where I am supposed to set the price that the has to pay, like I am a prostitute, and at the same time I get the feeling that he expects me to be ashamed for not being rich. Like I should be desperate for his money and grateful that he wants me, like he thinks he is better than me. The truth is, as long as a guy has a job and isn’t expecting me to pay his rent and bills, I don’t care how much he is earning.
Hi Stephen,
my biggest turn off in guys are neediness, arrogance, bragging, sex talk too early, being jealous, controlling behaviours. An while I’m thinking about it, why is it that once your in a relationship, a guy thinks he can tell you how you should behave and what you should and shouldn’t do!! I’m sorry, why is it that some guys think that a women having a conversation with another man besides her man that she is flirting. Does this make him feel less of a man!!! Shouldn’t he trust his women!! I Would be interested to know your thoughts and views on this?? Women being friendly with another man is simply friendship. We do know how to be loyal to one man an can engage in conversations with other men.
He doesn’t text or call.
He always says he is busy with work.
He never makes time for his partner.
He doesn’t make or have time for his partner.
He is a sweet talker.
Turn offs:
Let’s start with basics: lack of hygiene and manners. They can wear the best suit and visit the best hair dresser but if they don’t take a shower everyday, I’m out. Girls tend to have a great sense of smell, I personally could work as a police dog so if a guy smells, I won’t let him touch me.
The same thing is with manners. I knew an absolutely handsome guy with great abs, muscles, a devilish gaze in his eyes, a briliant mind and hunger for knowledge. Sounds dreamy, right? Well, he also used to blow his nose on the street right on the pavement with no handkerchief, no nothing which is NOT something normal in my countrys culture. He pinched my ears whenever I started to eat to loud, but thought it’s totally ok to spread his bogies in front of me.
When it comes to action:
Awkward sex scenes: I mean those “sudden naked man” situations or when he drags out his “friend” with no real context waiting for me to do… what exactly? Girls want to be in the mood and the fact that he exists is not quite enough. And yes, I’ve been there. Really. And I don’t date that much. I saw a video where a girl said that our most beloved part of man’s body is the penis when we have sex, but during any other situations it’s everything BUT it. I agree.
Another one!
Needyness, being jelous, saying “I love you” too early and saying it really a lot when you see that the girl never sais it herself (push and pull, people. That’s just basics). That feels extreamly needy. this “you won’t say it, I’ll force you to say it back” approach. Ugh. It’s the same thing with casual “kids” talks. Oh yes, guys do that as well. You know the sentence. “…IF WE WERE TO HAVE KIDS, than…” they all sound like jokes and might be funny, but not during first few months of a relationship. Srsly, take it slow.
Actually all those you wrote up there are accurate to guys as well. Aspecially the running yourself down (which I do myself and that’s terrible).
Thanks for this article, I need to think some stuff through about myself now :) Cheers!
I just find it rude that man automatically want to have sex the first date. I’m NOT an ANIMAL BUT MAYBE THE MEN ARE because animals follow their instinct which is to eat and procreate.
What I find true is that man usually think with their head but not the one above their heads but in between their legs
Thank you Stephen for this. Just checking in to see if i pocess any of these 5 behaviours. Thankfully I’m pleased to say I don’t do any of them. whoop whoop xx