A date without flirting is just two people having a conversation.
Yet I’ve noticed many people still flout one of the cardinal rules for creating that initial spark of attraction when they meet someone.
This is one big mistake I see people repeat over and over again, and it’s a subtle one, but if you get this wrong your date will start to feel less attracted to you without really knowing why.
It’s probably best explained by an example, so take a look at the following conversation and see if you can spot what the problem is:
Her: So do you play any instruments?
Him: I play guitar in a band. We do live shows every month at this rock club. It’s my favourite thing!
Her: Oh cool. My friend Jake is a professional guitarist, he just released his first album. I should send you it, you’d love his stuff, he’s ridiculously talented.
Him: Oh…yea. Cool.
Did you see what she did wrong?
Let me explain.
Although there isn’t anything terribly wrong with this conversation, it demonstrates a huge mistake that pushes the guy away.
He has just handed her a golden opportunity to connect with him by revealing something he cares about and enjoys (playing guitar in a band). Yet instead of taking the bait and showing him her interest in this moment, she’s chosen instead to brag about her friend who is just releasing an album and also happens to be ridiculously successful.
It’s as though they were two kids and she just said, “Yea? Well my Dad is richer than your Dad.”
But what matters more than the comparison is the failure show that you’re capable of being impressed by someone.
This is so crucial that it bears repeating: To attract someone and create that flirtatious connection, you have to be IMPRESSABLE.
Does this mean in the conversation above she should have fawned and cooed over him with starry eyes, acting unbelievably over-the-top impressed, as though he were the first man to play a guitar?
Of course not.
But she does need to give him some validation (this is true for men and women, btw).
Even if it’s just one line that says, even subtly: “Wow, that’s so cool. I love that!”, and then follows up with some interest.
By talking about his love of guitar, the guy has clearly revealed to her something that he’s passionate about. Yet she glossed over it without a second thought, instantly losing a chance to make him feel special and get to know him better.
There are dozens of avenues she could have gone down to make him feel closer to her in that moment.
“I love the guitar, it’s my favourite. What made you choose to play that?”
“I’m so impressed you’re able to play live to a crowd. Do you get nervous in front of people?”
“That’s so cool! I love guys who can play instruments. What kind of music do you play?”
Any one of these examples is great because they all convey that on some level she approves and is impressed by something he does.
It might sound simple, but we all like people who make us feel special. And part of flirting is just that moment in which you convey to another person “I like your style”, “I’m impressed by you”, “I’m intrigued and want to know more”, or even just “You’re cool, I like you”.
When you show you can be impressed by what your date does, whether it’s their business, their education, their stories, they feel much more at their best around by you (and in turn want to get to know you better).
And if you’re reading this and thinking to yourself: “But I don’t find them that impressive” there’s a simple solution: Start going on dates with more impressive people.
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Want to learn how to create IRRESISTIBLE sexual tension with the guy you really want? Download the free chapter of my best-selling “How To Talk To Men” program. Go To GetTheFreeChapter.com
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Stephen Hussey helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
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20 Replies to “A Ridiculously Simple Flirting Mistake That Turns Them Off Instantly”
Is there a way to see if a guy is interested, like a prompt or hint that could be given during a casual conversation as to know how he feels towards you if maybe he was acting very between the lines.
Whoa. That hair!
Love the solution to if he is not that impressive.
The first thought that came to mind was, duh why stick around someone you are just blah about when you could go on dates with people that actually interest you. It’s so simple it shouldn’t need to be said, but it does because sometimes we are so busy looking for the big things we miss the smallest and simplest answers.
Thanks for the laugh.
I don’t like that when I get impressed, all he talks about is himself and he don’t stop to ask about me. It gets really one sided…an ego boost and then the conversation goes south. You can’t get a guy to ask about you can you?
Men make the same mistake as women in Stephen’s article, but unless they have read the article they don’t realize their mistake. Alternatively, some men assume that their part is to impress women with their achievements and the women’s part is to impress men with their looks. These assumptions are sub-conscious.
If a man is too persistent in talking about himself and not showing interest in the woman he is with–AFTER he has received validation–the woman can initiate conversations about herself. If her attempts fail, the man is probably not a good partner.
you never go out of style stephen:) how you indirectly corrected and educated us women to talk like grown-ups is amazing…makes me laugh coz’ somehow i know i made that mistake of bragging before just to have something to say or to cope up with the conversation-trying to impress someone is not really impressive when you don’t consider or involve the person who too the time to share it with you…it pays hard to listen :) it takes 2 ears to understand and a pumping heart to connect.(if not-the conversation is dry and boring.lol) i love your thoughts about this…can’t wait to have the actual conversation with you and your awesome brother,matthew :) both of you are really exciting-leaves me thinking after reading your posts and can be applied in general and not just about flirting. well done :) keep on writing.
you never go out of style stephen:) how you indirectly corrected and educated us women to talk like grown-ups is amazing…makes me laugh coz’ somehow i know i made that mistake of bragging before just to have something to say or to cope up with the conversation-trying to impress someone is not really impressive when you don’t consider or involve the person who took the time to share it with you…it pays hard to listen :) it takes 2 ears to understand and a pumping heart to connect.(if not-the conversation is dry and boring.lol) i love your thoughts about this…can’t wait to have the actual conversation with you and your awesome brother,matthew :) both of you are really exciting-leaves me thinking after reading your posts and can be applied in general and not just about flirting. well done :) keep on writing.
Yep, she just maybe wasn’t that impressed. Does Jake have a girlfriend?
Thank you so much for this post.
I need to put tips on this blog into action. I met a cute friend-of-a-friend today but blew opportunities to talk to him. I always fear discovering the guy is already spoken for or not interested and embarrassing myself. I’m not shy to initiate conversation but I could have engaged with him more and at least discovered what he was about. I just assume no guy is interested in me – why am I so special to talk to?
I have a friend who is amazing at attracting guys. It’s because she is a lovely person and a great conversationalist. She always listens to what people say and has a kind heart. She is an open person. I’m trying to learn from her because she is just a wonderful person.
Whereas often I have a wall up because I’ve been burnt and I’m cynical. I’ve been taking advice to not let men walk all over me too literally. But I’m ready to be more open now even though I’ll have to work on it. I just want to show the real me to men because I’m a very caring person and I think I’d be a good girlfriend, well hopefully anyway. :)
Love your last line: And if you’re reading this and thinking to yourself: “But I don’t find him that impressive” there’s a simple solution: Start going on dates with more impressive guys.
ahh, so sorry you had to go through this sdrana. i last a 5,000 word essay last year a couple of days before it was due and had the most dramatic evening of sitting on the floor of my bathroom balling my eyes out… until i finally just had to suck it up and write it again. it’s so horrible when stuff like this happens. glad to hear you managed to recover something though.good reminder to always keep a back up. love this shot of you! so ethereal and peaceful… possibly the opposite of what you’ve been feeling this past week?xx
Love it. And it’s so true, women tend to talk about themselves or switch to something they also know about that topic. Let him talk about his passion. :)
Thank you.. you rock for helping so many. I really hope to meet you in a casual cool way some day! Have a great weekend Matthew and Stephen! :)
Hi mattew i wach all your videos. I realy appreciate you. I need to get a help from you to make my mind. I am engaged to a guy but he never appreciate me when someone appreciate me he starts to appreciate his sister so i feel i am not good enough for him. If you can please help me to make my mind.. Thank you
Grateful for the amazing tips and fun teaching . Really appreciate it x
So easy to become ‘self centrered’ when the guy we like shows us some attention ( and then say whatever comes through our mind once we relax). This scenario actually happened to me recently – I did not go as far as mentioning another guy but failed to show interest in the fact that he plays the guitar – even though I love it !! Yet , not too late, I can ask him about it next time I see him ;) hehe
Haha! crash and burn statement. I like when a girl strait out says what she thinks. So no more time is wasted we can just be friends after that. I have done sales for a long time so anyone who speaks in this manner will always be comparing you to some other guy. It’s about taking control of the guy and leading in the conversation.
Some really fantastic information, Glad I detected this. “To be conscious that we are perceiving or thinking is to be conscious of our own existence.” by Aristotle.
This would never happen to me, because I have no friends to tell him about.
Oh well, here I can say that I am a winner!
I always give credit to people I like and I’m not afraid to give compliments too.
I am easy impressable.
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