It’s almost inevitable you’re going to get asked…
When you do, how do you answer?
Do you need to talk about it or can the topic be avoided?
In this week’s video I share my philosophy on the question, and how you can answer in a high-value way.
He Asks: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Here’s What You Say…
- Relationship & Dating Blog | Matthew Hussey
- Published date:
- Relationship & Dating Blog | Matthew Hussey
- Published date:
Good points! The guys who have asked me that question were never interested in having a serious relationship anyways…that is what I eventually found out. Never trust a man-ho!
What about if you’re in college and you’re a virgin? I’m saving it for when I know I’m ready and that for me hasn’t happened yet. I would just say exactly that to him, maybe answer a few more questions, but have anything more be “boring” and unattractive to keep on prodding me with. Would you agree Matt?
It’s just a different world in college hookup culture.
I completely disagree. I equate number with character and I don’t believe those who say there’s no correlation.
First it’s about compatibility. The number of people you sleep with is directly correlated to your views on sex and relationships. I’m not promiscuous and I don’t want to be with someone who has little to no standards for sexual conquests, is unable to stay in a relationship long enough not to rack up a crazy body count of FWB and ONS and who would sleep with total strangers whose relationship status and HIV status they don’t know because hello? They have no idea who they’re sleeping with.
Second, I think it’s ludicrous that someone would feel entitled to sexual intimacy with me while withholding their sexual history. You will tell me where it’s been, or its not getting in me. I’m an open book myself. No question is off-limit and I don’t want to invest in a guy who’d just take anybody with a vagina as a girlfriend, irrespective to her sexual values. If you’d date a high number girl, you’re not good enough for me.
Three, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. If your number is something you must hide, it tells me a lot about your beliefs and we’re never going to be a good match.
You’re not opening me up if you won’t open up yourself. I’m entitled to know exactly who’s getting inside my body.
Finally someone who sees the light! I was beginning to think I was fighting this battle alone.
It’s a bit like the Twilight Zone isn’t it? This idea that someone you demand sexual intimacy from has no right to demand sexual honesty in return. My point is, you only hide your number when you know it’s a red flag.
So true. I kinda wish Matt didn’t make this video. It’s making me lose hope in people.
Remember that a lot of women lie when asked this question. The best way to find out is by judging her actions now. analyze her lifestyle, friends she associates herself with. It says more than her answering the question.
The answer to that question is and will always be (for me), “none of your business”….because it isn’t.
I just remembered something. Sometime ago Jack Nicholson said he slept with over a thousand women. Over a thousand!!! Nobody showed any reaction to him, because he is a famous actor. I am sure he even got some padding in the back for that. “Well done Jack, well done. Please by all means, have some more.” :-P
So to say, it is all about perspective.
xxx
The thing is if you avoid the answer it just makes you look guilty of sleeping around. I always lie for love when it comes to this question because there is a double standard.
If you give men a number, most men will take the number you give them and double it since men will double their own number when bragging to a friend. And men do judge you by your number, most of them.
I have slept with almost 75 guys with hundreds of opportunities more to sleep with others but if they don’t pass the sensual kiss test, thats it for them baby!…. I have loved every experience. (clean bill of health too. Pro Athletes are great because they get tested all the time for their sport, and come and go with no strings attatched if you just want to have some fun).
I usually tell guys, “I don’t let just anyone touch me.” It sets a standard, they usually don’t ask for an actual number after that and they now know I have high standards when it comes to having sex. They know they have a test to pass and I make them work for it so they know if we are a steady item they can trust I can keep my legs closed while they are out of town. If I don’t want a long term relationship with someone, it really doesn’t matter. But when I get committed I stay monogamous.
I sometimes tell guys who ask this question, “I am a born again virgin.”
I’ve been asked this question on 2 occasions and while I’m not ashamed of my number as my count increased I would lessen the number or reverse the question on the guy. Usually the guy would be hesitant and that would be an automatic topic changer. At the end of the day a guy that’s truly into you WONT care. He won’t even ask. I think that question is stupid and trivial. If a person is clean and STD free then why know the number. Mature persons don’t worry about that. Sex is something that is different for everyone so what’s a lot to you may not be a lot to someone else. A body count is relative. To a virgin 6 may be a lot of people to someone on number 16, 6 is just a drop of rain in an ocean. But that’s just my take on it all.
Very annoying question but I get asked all the time and my reply is always “I certainly haven’t slept with as many men as you have with women”and quickly change d topic. By the way,do not believe you are going to get d true answer to this question.
Oh forgot to say…… There is a really cute funny movie with hotties Anna Faris and Chris Evans called “What’s Your Number” you have to watch it Matthew.
Oh Matt
I’m going to put my thoughts across in vain hope that you maybe able to help with some insight.
Back in 2011, I was sleeping with someone I liked and felt a strong attraction to. He was a bit of a bad-boy, and I said that I’d never go down that path but I really liked him and he wooed me. We slept together a handful of times and then I got a lump and only to be horrified to discover that I contract an STI that I can never get rid of; it was heart breaking and humiliating and I deeply regret.
I’m selective in whom I choose to open up to, I’d known the person I’m referring to for almost a year, but I got caught unlucky.
What does a woman do in this position as it was nearly 3 years ago now and I’ve been on my own ever since. I have no idea how I’m going to get past this obstacle.
Any advice please? I would really value right about now.
Any man who asks that question of me is either too immature and/or insecure for me. Matthew, I think your answer was perfect.
hahaha at the fly and singing part at the end!! lol
I agree PAST IS HISTORY STAY A MYSTERY lol:) love that. #movingonfromthepast
Matt, You nailed it at the end: “You are guiding him past his own pain, which he is headed straight for right now. Just take him away from it. ‘Guess what? You are hot, and you’re sexy, and I want to jump you, and I don’t care about any other man I’ve been with right now, I care about you, I just want to think about you, please can we just go and have sex?’”
This completely underscores your messages from your “Keep the Guy” series, where I learned so much about how to make a man feel valued and appreciated. This cuts to the core of the man’s insecurities about whether he can please me sexually. Letting him know I only have eyes for him and I find him totally hot helps him let the “past partners” question become irrelevant.
I just had to come back to this post and tell you THANK YOU for the new video on virginity. I appreciate your points for it to not be a badge and that it’s only as big a deal as we make it. Also, your sensitive approach as to how you would address your sister or daughter spoke to me and I literally shed a tear, didn’t expect that lol. Thank you for all that you do, I appreciate you!
HAHA this is Brilliant!
“Less history, more mystery” people! – Matthew Hussey
Cannot wait to meet you one day Matt!
Zoe,
Australia.
HAHA this is Brilliant!
“Less history, more mystery” people! – Matthew Hussey
Cannot wait to meet you one day Matt!
Zoe,
Australia
Thank you! this was great, i would also love to see a video on the related question: “How many relationships have you had before or Have you had many relationships before”, or “when was your last relationship” “How long was your longest relationship” I find I get these questions a lot by guys I’m dating, and I always hate the question and don’t know what to say, sometimes i eaven lie up a story i think he wants to hear. I have only had one relationship and it was about 7 years ago, and I don’t think thats what they wanna hear. I mean I have no problem with it, but Im guessing som guys would find it weird. How do one deal with these questions in an elegant way?
This is great!I watched both “He Asks: “How Many Men Have You Slept With?” Here’s What You Say…” and “What If I’m A Virgin?” videos. Back in years, i really don’t know how to answer these questions. That is true! questions like these are unattractive or sometimes offensive due to double standards. In my case, i get questions like if im a virgin or if have already slept with a guy because i look innocent. I get these questions from both men and women. I used to refuse to answer these questions especially if its a guy who asks. However, the worse case is they make follow up questions like “how long i had been with my ex-boyfriend?” and his age .Like what you said, others tend to become more curious. Lol. Now, everytime i get these questions i always reply in a playful way. Lol. Sometimes you like the guy so much but it doesn’t mean we’ll stop seeing them because of 1 weird question. I always respond with a laugh. So it wont be so awkward. Then ask “Do you really want to know?” to excite them about the answer .After i feel they are excited . I make a follow statement while laughing ” I know you want an answer but… you wouldn’t know…” or whisper on to their ear. Then follow it with a laugh. At this time, i haven’t got any negative reactions, yet. lol i don’t know if its right thing. However, thats the only way i know how get out of the topic without being so awkward. Thanks for those videos Matthew!
I’ve asked this question before and now. I actually find it has nothing to do with the person at all or has any significance on your future with this guy. Who really cares if it’s 2 or 20. It’s you their talking to right? I’m honest about it. I find it interesting saying I was in a relationship for 7’yrs ,engaged and I’m only 31. It’s funny but I’m proud of my prior relationship and Yes and next question. Bahahaha
I prefer to ask more questions or just chat about regular stuff. I think I’m a closet flirt now hahaha I have yet to do the ‘dropping scarf’ thing but one day I will do it.