How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously

Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope and meaningless hookups?

If you’re still interested in finding real, deep, meaningful commitment in modern dating (yes, it does exist), I need you to stop what you’re doing and watch this video now.

Has Caring Too Much Ever Sabotaged Your Relationship?
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Leave a Comment Below…

I don’t need to be a mind reader to know that an enormous number of people watching this video right now feel this…

“Dating Sucks…”

Now why do they feel this way?

Because they want to create something real.

Chances are if you’re watching this video, you want to create something real.

You wanna find someone who values you. Find someone who invests in you. Who you can invest in. Someone who you can build something enduring with, but instead here’s what you get…

Casual dating, meaningless hookups, and mixed, confusing-ass signals.

Now this leaves people very frustrated.

It leaves them wondering if what they’re looking for is actually out there.

I recently ran an exclusive closed-door event for my closest clients.

It was invite-only, and I made them one promise:

I am gonna talk all day about how to create a real and lasting relationship, and avoid the casual dating, hookup culture we feel like we’re currently existing in.

What I’m about to show you is a clip from that private event.

A moment that highlights the frustration people are feeling right now that we’re talking about here. And watch all the way to the end, because after that clip, I’m gonna join you back here to show you a strange, counter-intuitive way that that frustration I’m talking about could actually be costing you the real relationship you’re looking for.

Check it out.


Audience Guest: “Hi Matthew. Good to see you. Welcome back to NYC.”

Matthew: “Thank you for having me.”

Audience Guest: “The content that you have today is really amazing, and I’m really happy to be here. That’s first of all.”

Matthew: “Thank you.”

Audience Guest: “Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman who said to me, ‘You know, Cecilia? You are intimidating to men. You are too smart. Guys can’t get over on you, and that’s gonna be a problem for you.’ And I thought, ‘I don’t wanna guy in my life that’s gonna be intimidated by my strength. I want someone that’s gonna embrace my strength, and who I am as a human being, and as a woman.’ As I get older I find that it is a little harder, and I ask, how can I allow myself to be open to love, finding a great partner who’s gonna embrace who I am?”

Matthew: “What you’re saying works on the presumption that men inherently find smart women unattractive, or intimidating. Some men are intimidated by smart women. Some men are intimidated by women who have found their purpose, who have found something that they really enjoy doing. Especially if those men haven’t found what they enjoy doing.

“Some men are intimidated by women who go to the gym a lot. [Laughter] Especially if they can’t get themselves to kinda get into a routine with that.

“I mean I just think that the…higher a frequency you’re living on, the less people are gonna be either available to you or desirable to you.”

Audience Guest: “So how do I find love if that’s the case? My pool is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not getting any younger. [Laughter] I’m sorry…”

Matthew: “I just think that it doesn’t help you to think about it in the macro like that. Like you’re thinking about it at this bird’s eye view of, you know, ‘My pool is getting smaller, and men don’t like… They’re intimidated by intelligent women, and this, and that,’ and… I just… I don’t…

“My friend is a doctor, and he told me a phrase once, he said, ‘statistics don’t matter to the individual.’

“In medicine, when someone has a rare disease, the fact that only one in a hundred thousand people get  that disease is irrelevant to the person that got the disease. Right? Statistics don’t matter to the individual. And I would say that on a relationship level, statistics don’t matter to you either, and won’t matter to you when you meet someone special.

“It won’t matter to you what the economics are right now of finding a relationship.

“It only matters to you now because those are the terms that you’re thinking in, and I just don’t think that it serves you to think in those terms. If I had thought in those terms about business, I never would have started a business. The results of businesses succeeding–new businesses–are so low that if you went by that you would never start a business.

“But I didn’t start a business to overcome the odds of business. I started a business because I had something I really wanted to say, and do, and I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t going into a job I hated. So it was a different thing driving me.

“And I understand your point. I’m not minimizing that it’s difficult to find someone special.

“It is.

“It one hundred percent is.

“The good news is that everyone’s feeling the same way.

“Right? Everyone’s feeling that.

“No one is… It’s…

“It’s really hard no matter who you are.

“You could be a person that like a hundred men are throwing themselves at you a day… It still doesn’t mean you’re gonna find anyone you wanna spend your life with.

“It’s just hard for everyone, but again I don’t think that it’s because you’re smart. I just think that the more you achieve in life, and the more you drive yourself, the less people you feel… You could still connect to everybody, ’cause I think there’s something to learn from everyone… but there are less people that will just resonate on that frequency that you’re on, and you know, that’s okay. That just means you have high standards, and you have to keep doing it.

“And if your view is, ‘I can’t keep doing it.’ Then I say, what is the thing that you keep doing that you’re deciding you’re not gonna do anymore? I would like to know Cecilia, if you said to me, ‘Matt, the whole point of me saying this, is because I’m about to give up.’ What are you giving up? That’s what I wanna know. What’s the behavior, what’s the thing that you’re gonna stop doing because you’re sick and tired of not meeting the right man? Tell me that.”

Audience Guest: “I don’t know, because I think I’m doing a lot of different things to try and meet the right guy.”

Matthew: “So what’s the thing that is disrupting your life right now that you don’t wanna do anymore?”

Audience Guest: “I don’t wanna worry about it. I want it to happen organically.”

Matthew: “Okay, but like what does that mean? You want it to happen when you’re laying in bed?”

Audience Guest: “I’m standing at a cafe… I’m gonna use one of your lines. I’m standing at a cafe, and I actually start chatting with someone.”

Matthew: “Okay great, but that’s not organic. That’s you trying.”

Audience Guest: “Well…” [Laughter]

Matthew: “So again, what’s the thing, like…I’m challenging you right now, and I know you can take it, but I… I don’t know what your question is. Is your question, ‘Is it hard to meet someone that you spend the rest of your life with?’ Yes. Is your question, ‘Do I really want this?’ I think, probably the answer is ‘yes.’”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Right? ‘Cause it’s an experience of life you wanna have.”

Audience Guest: “Yes.”

Matthew: “Is your question, ‘Should I give up?’ Well, to that I respond, what are you giving up? Leaving the house? What are you giving up? Not doing new things? What are you giving up? Going on dates sometimes? What’s the thing that you would give up?

“I challenge all of you: What’s the thing you would give up?

“Because to me, none of the things that you do to meet someone, apart from spending hours and hours online, which I don’t support anyway. [Laughter] But none of the things that you do to meet someone are things that wouldn’t be good for your life anyway.

“If I took off the table the idea of ever meeting your dream guy. Let’s just remove that. I take it off the table. Never gonna happen. I’ve literally made sure that can’t happen for you. I’ve eliminated every man on earth that could be your perfect man. [Laughter]


“I’m curious as to how many of you would stop having conversations with people in general.

“How many people would say, ‘Well, since I can’t find the one, I’m just gonna stop socializing. I’m just gonna stop going on dates at all. You know? I’m gonna give up the whole sex thing. Like I’m gonna just… I’m not gonna do any of this.’

“I don’t buy it for a second.

“What you would do is you’d say, ‘Okay… Well, I guess I’ll go on some fun dates that won’t turn out to be the one, but you know, I’ll just have some fun times. You know, go out and enjoy meeting new people. Stay curious, get to know people’s stories, and I’ll make the best of it, but I can’t give up this part of me. Cause it’s in me. It is me. It’s part of me being a woman who wants to go out there and explore, and meet people, and connect, and be intimate, and be warm, and be affectionate. I’m not gonna give up all of that.’

“Cecilia, what you have to ask yourself is…

“I get the frustration. I get it. And I’m not minimizing that, and I understand the frustration of searching for someone really special, and right now it’s not happening, that person isn’t there.

“But you have to get back to that question:

“What would I do differently if I decided to give up the search?

“What thing would I give up in my life?

“Because I put to you that it would be very hard for you to name something that you would give up that wouldn’t cost you in other ways.

“That wouldn’t actually hurt your sense of joy, and fun, and fulfillment in other ways by deciding, ‘This isn’t for me.’ I can’t see it. What would you stop? Dating? Dating is fun. Like even if it’s not the love of your life, like going on a date, and sometimes there’s chemistry, or sometimes you get a new friend out of it, or sometimes… Who knows? Like would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex?

“Like, I don’t know… I can’t see it. I can’t see it.

“So I think that there’s so many things we do in pursuit of that person, that are worth doing for their own sake, that it’s almost not even worth worrying about in the way that you’re worrying about it. It’s just like… Just keep taking chances.

“Keep being proactive.

“Keep being the kind of person that steps out of her comfort zone.

“Keep being the kind of person that puts herself around other people.

“Keep being the type of person that is open to experiences in life.

“In that is being open to love, but we don’t even need to call it that. Just be someone who is open to experiences, and should you find yourself in a situation where it seems to be getting intimate or whatever and you like the person, do everything we’ve talked about today to make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of being taken seriously by that person.

“Let’s keep going. Thank you so much by the way.”


Look, I wanna make one thing clear. While I believe that there are many things that we do that will bring us a relationship that are good for their own sake, and worth doing even if they don’t bring us the love of our life, I understand and respect how hard it is out there.

You are dealing with so much crap.

People who have just the worst behavior. People who will do anything to use you. People who will string you along even though they have no intention of taking things anywhere meaningful or serious.

The frustration you have with that is one thousand percent understandable, but that frustration has a bad side effect for your love life. That frustration leads to the feeling that there really isn’t anyone out there, or at least the suspicion that that thing you’ve always been looking for might never come.

That leads to a scarcity mindset.

When you have a scarcity mindset it puts you in a dangerous position, because when someone comes along who has even a mild connection with you, someone who shows you a glimpse of what you’re looking for, you latch on.

You get so excited about it.

So grateful for it that you’ll do anything to keep it.

Now that’s very dangerous, because when you’ll do anything to keep something, when you see the potential of it, and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that goes somewhere you start being more forgiving of bad behavior, and maybe not even bad behavior, but someone not giving you what you want.

Someone treating you worse than you deserve.

Someone not truly investing in you.

We start making excuses for them.

We start justifying it, because god forbid it goes away altogether.

When would you find someone again?

You have a connection. You wanna hold on to it, right?

Now here’s the really dangerous part.

When you start accepting worse behavior this person begins to value you less.

So it looks like this:

Having a scarcity mindset about what’s out there makes us accept worse behavior from the person we’re with. When they see us accepting bad behavior from them, or low investment from them, they stop taking us seriously, because they look at us, and consciously or unconsciously, they think, “What kind of person would allow me to treat them like this? Not someone that I should take seriously. Not someone that I would have a relationship with.” So now, even if that person had the potential to have a relationship with you, they’re starting to see you as lower value.

They’re starting to see you as someone who may not be worthy of a real relationship, because you’re treating yourself like you’re not worthy of a real relationship.

So the irony of all of this is the thing you value the most, which you’re letting get away with murder, because you value it the most now values you less precisely because that’s what you’re doing.

So I’m talking to you right now if you are looking for something real, because let me tell you this, if you wanna attract the real you have to be prepared to sacrifice the bullshit, and when I say the bullshit, I mean the bullshit version of a relationship that you’re currently being offered.

The pseudo relationship.

The halfway house.

The breadcrumbing that you’re sick of.

The people disappearing or ghosting you that you’re sick of.

If you actually want to be taken seriously you have to prepared to sacrifice the bullshit. And by the way, sacrificing the bullshit can mean giving up the guy so that you can go out there and find someone who’s serious, or it could mean sacrificing the current dynamic and taking the risk to graduate it into something more. The death of the bullshit you have with him right now and the birth of a better, new dynamic that you have with this person because they now take you more seriously.

So I’m on a campaign right now for those people who want something real to show you exactly how to create it.

I wanna walk you down the path that you actually want to go down, because this isn’t about an unrealistic level of optimism.

I know how hard it is to meet someone you really like.

How hard it is to meet someone that you actually wanna make it work with.

So when you do meet that person, you wanna do the right things.

Join me next week, ’cause we’re gonna be continuing this conversation, and we’re gonna make some serious progress together.

For now, leave me a comment.

Letting me know, A: If you’ve fallen into this trap before, and you can relate to it. A time when you cared so much that that caring actually lead you to doing some of the wrong things.

And B: If you’re ready to finally create something real.

I can’t wait to read those, and I will see you next week.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

270 Responses to How Modern Dating Culture Stops Him from Taking You Seriously

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  1. Wendy says:

    Thank you that’s really great piece
    of advice. We need you teaching and advic
    You are amazing..,

  2. Jass says:

    Hello Matt,
    I did exactly this: cherishing someone who knocked me off my feet. And I made mistakes in my behaviour in order to keep that man no matter what. Until he did something which was not kind. That made me understand that my value lowered considerably in his eyes. It was hurtfull, but I walked away and found my self esteem again. I never contacted him again. Really hard to do when you are madly in love with someone. But now I am ready for someone new…
    Jass, Munich

  3. Margarida says:

    Hey Mathew and everybody

    Have to agree in some point about yr statement
    – BUT in other hand
    If the guy is not open to be in a relationship
    He will treat you like nothing happens !
    Vanishing the feeling

    In this case , I put myself on higher standards and go away, leave …. but I’m tired of leaving anyway- it’s a way to learn – but fades my hopes

    I don’t go to many dates, I choose carefully and I think I’m on the right track to Mrs Right

    I have a journal we’re I write/wrote every experience that I had with dates – and it’s helps me to find guys with red flags to avoid

    After all I’m on the path to love —— and my victimize mindset (fade hopes) doesn’t help me anyway

  4. Syn says:

    Leah, PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Ask your girlfriends for support in this. Appoint someone as your main accountability partner. It’s like giving up any other addiction and you need support to do it. Think of this person as a “sponsor” like in AA, because what’s more addictive, really, than a man you’re emotionally attached to?
    I think if you shared this with other men, they would immediately suspect that this guy’s disappearing acts are VERY FISHY and that he was unfaithful. He tries to gaslight you when you call him out on this very obviously disrespectful behavior. You aid him in this by downplaying it with your own words: Disappearing for days is not “being late”, my dear, it is ABANDONMENT. Look at the ways in which you attempt to justify it (as we all do). You try to be understanding and consider his back-story and painful psychology…poor guy, his daddy wasn’t kind and stable…Battered women do this all the time. BE VERY CAREFUL HERE.
    We all want to make it better when a man is mistreating us so that it doesn’t hurt so much. We look for reasons, justifications, explanations. But, they’re just excuses–let’s call them what they are. He doesn’t even need to make his own excuses because we are doing it for him. I was in deep with a man who, because of his very traumatic childhood, exclusively dated girls as young as 18 (wtf?) when he was 36. He “couldn’t handle a real woman” like me, he said. (“Real” meaning an actual adult.) Do I believe him? Yes. I know the details of his trauma. Should I have allowed that as an excuse and carried on with him? EFF NOOOO!!! Whatever his reasons, it was still some seriously sick shit and he needed to work through that on his own in therapy, etc., and meanwhile, STAY AWAY FROM DATING. I can feel much compassion for him, but it was ultimately HIS responsibility to heal himself–and not infect anyone else meantime.
    Please do not be lured into the very seductive waters of “psychobabbling” away his cruel behavior. Yes, it is CRUEL to disappear on someone like he has with you. There is NOTHING else that can be “amazing” enough to counter that. He is NOT amazing, Leah. You’re just addicted. When you’re finally able to look through the eyes of sobriety, you will see a VERY different (NON amazing) man. (BTW, by definition, he CAN’T be “hyper-responsible”.)
    I wish you the best, sister! STAY STRONG!

  5. Karen says:

    Hey Matt. It’s so right to cut the BS out. I met a guy, felt the spark, and wanted to keep him close! I started to lower my standards, take the BS…. but what would have just taken me months to figure out, if at all in the past, I stood up and pulled him up on it. He disappeared but i know I’m better off without that crap. And what a relief to realise that now rather than 6 months down the line of investment! Love you posts x

  6. Syn says:

    Thank you, Matthew, for always being so genuine and caring! It does make me feel good to know there are guys who truly care for women’s well being.
    I must correct you on your assertion that we wouldn’t give up going on (“meaningless, but fun”) dates as a result of being fed up with the whole scene. I have gone into what I call “Dating Dextox” at least THREE times in my life including in my 20s, 30s, and 40s. In fact, I am writing a one-woman show about it. (So far, great response–this shit is hilarious when it;s onstage vs.IRL, per usual with comedy, eh?) And, I have known enough other women who have done this, as well, to know that these *extended periods of elective celibacy (*EPEC, lol) are NOT uncommon. I’ve gone without–and I mean, no date, no dick, no kiss, no cuddle–for over 3 years more than once. When I share this with other women, they often one-up me, saying their “dating detoxes” have lasted 6 years, 8 years, even TWENTY YEARS. Yes, really! And, yes, it is always following a dating disaster. In my case, it was a very healthy thing that I did as part of a necessary healing journey, not a life-long resignation.
    But, here’s more the point: “no big deal” dates (the ones that are neither disastrous nor romantically thrilling) are usually boring, at best, and, miserable, at worst, leaving you feeling even more discouraged than before, and viewing things as even bleaker. And, when you’re lonely (and/or sad, and/or horny, and/or bored, and/or drunk), you might end up going further with this person physically and emotionally. You might even end up in an actual dating relationship with someone you don’t even want, really. Casual dating for women is akin to (but, not synonymous with, mind you) casual sex. Because of female hormones and emotions, it just ends up being more than we signed up for, affecting us more than we thought it could, a kind of risky illusion/delusion.

  7. Nokuthula says:

    Hey Matt thanks for the insight on having a real relationship, am actually stuck I have done all I could jus to keep it…I feel we have reached the extent to which he does not take me serious at all…I really love this guy I’ve asked myself what should I give up and found none. Am at that point of “dating sucks” really it’s tiring…but hey thanks for the heads up…I like the open to new experiences and jus live life and not take in bullshit from him anymore

  8. Mara says:

    I have most definitely lowered my standards and done the things I said I would never do with a guy (or guys) I got excited about. Often times in a first date cause I have been feeing like I live in a ‘scarcity zone’ for a while. Particularly as I turned 35 and matches on dating apps starting going down. The ‘how modern dating culture stops him from taking you seriously’ has come at the perfect time. I stopped my year long ‘only fun’ relationship that was comfortable and easy cause I didn’t have to or want to commit to him a couple of days ago, and I am investing in myself and enjoying my city more. For sure going to keep tuning in to learn more, and to enjoy the journey that I’m embarking on to find something more meaningful with a lucky someone. Thank you @matthewhussey

  9. Carolyn Ehman says:

    I TOTALLY fell into this! I came off a seven year dating-hiatus into connecting with someone that I really liked and ended up letting him treat me in some pretty awful ways. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Some of it is really insightful!

  10. Christy says:

    WOW! I can completely relate. I haven’t given up yet, however I feel as if I’m on the cusp. Thanks to you I do put myself out there. I have had to learn to be brave, because you have nothing to lose.
    I’m curious about leading someone on though. I would feel terrible dating someone and letting them believe that I was looking for what they are looking for when I know that I do not see them for long term.
    How do you balance dating?

  11. Leah says:

    I just dumped a very attractive man two days ago, after two years of dating. He has a thing about time. He was often late for dates, by hours even days at times. The excuses were always legit sounding; flat tire, family in the hospital, dog missing, ect ect. However, he often would not even let me know ahead of time. I tried talking to him about this and he was always defensive. I tried asking for what I wanted and was completely disregarded. I brought up that this his approach to time management and date follow through was disrespectful to me as a person and he was extremely defensive and looking to argue. I dropped the topic. I know that his father was very rough on him and he is likely anxious avoidant. I also know that his father has a very poor attitude towards women. He is amazing in every other way. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t do drugs, is hyper-responsible, a good father, looks after himself and works hard. The chemistry was amazing. I just couldn’t take the disrespect for my time anymore while he denied the issue and indicated that I should have a problem at all. It’s two days of no contact and I’m pained with second guessing my decision and thinking about breaking the no contact…

  12. Nikki says:

    Yes I have been there….caring too much to accept bad behaviour. I think i do it because i find dating exhausting and don’t want to start again.

  13. Stephanie says:

    The one thing I’d be giving up? Falling in love. I’m tired of falling in love only to be betrayed, lied to, and strung along, and it’s not like it’s something I let happen over and over again with the same person but with different people. I walk away the first time I’m lied to, cheated on or betrayed but that doesn’t stop this crap from happening with different people over and over again. So when yoi ask what is the thing I’d give up? It’s falling in love. I live a perfectly happy life without this relationship bullshit and it’s actually the one thing that kills my vibe, being with someone shoikd be an addition to my life not a burden, but I have only learned that it’s a burden. Recently a guy broke up with me because he claimed he was too stressed with work, being in debt and dealing with the stress of work career and life etc (aka bullshit) and even though he said he knew he was losing the best woman he’s ever met in his life he feels it’s not fair that he’s not as deeply in love with me as I was with him and he said he knew I gave him unconditional love and freedom but he wanted more space than I already give… This was the most recent and the most puzzling fallout ever especially after he spent over a year chasing me bevause Ive always been the I don’t want to deal with relationships cause they make me unhappy kind of girl, I gave him a chance, fell in love and got fucked over and heartbroken. So the thing I’d give up is to stop falling in love…. It doesn’t stop me from meeting people as friends but I stop it at.. Let’s go on a date. I’m tired of the bullshit “dates”

  14. Lauren says:

    I did this with my husband. I allowed bad behavior. We finally split. It’s been a few years now. Not dating much. It’s harder at 57. I’m using lots of discernment. Thanks

  15. Cariane says:

    Hi there!

    Definitely feeling in this exact boat. I have said several times to my friends and family over the last month how dating sucks, and feel myself getting bitter. But the thing i would stop is the online dating for sure. It is exhausting! But as a full time nurse, I am just not sure how else to meet someone. I am definitely ready for something real! I have got stuck in a relationship in the past because he paid attention to me, and I liked that. It went on 2.5 years too long, but I feel like it was a good learning opportunity. That being said, I am so fearful of getting stuck in something wrong again at my age (I’m 28) that I may be being over picky. I think I have a good set of standards, with the most important parts being respected and loved as myself. One of my best friends told me this last week that I need to lower my standards, and the more I thought about it, the more upset I got. Shouldn’t she want me to have the best thing for me? Shouldn’t she have higher standards for me than I do even for myself? That’s how I feel about my friends anyways. I just want that connection and forever love with that undeniable chemistry that so many people have. Why am I less special that I don’t deserve this too? If that’s Called having too high of standards, then I’d rather just stay alone.

    Thanks for this video! Can’t wait for next week.

  16. Christina says:

    I met a nice guy online who seem ideal but all we do is send messages back and fourth. He has a son and i have offered dates. Then I met another guy who seem interested, we exchanged numbers but not straight away. I sent him a message, he replied but he was out at his sister’s and I was also busy with an application. I have sent him two messages but now no reply.

    What is going on?

  17. Karen says:

    U nailed what just happened to me! It was dead on! I would love to hear any suggestions about healing from it in order to build the strength to move on easier.

  18. Marina says:

    It’s so true what you say, but how would you know if that person is really not interested or he thinks the same of me and that’s why he doesn’t reach out.
    If he doesn’t reach then I shouldn’t at all?… and move on with even thinking twice?

  19. Ash L. says:

    I’ve been in this trap for three years. I’ve tried to leave so many times and keep getting pulled back. We served together and have a connection that’s intensely strong. However, he does not treat me well and constantly takes me for granted. I need help to end this cycle.

  20. Lisa C. says:

    I did this in a relationship I was in several years ago. I was so lonely that I put up with a guy who had a personality disorder. There’s no cure for one of those. It’s not even like bipolar disorder.

    Like you said, the more bad behavior I put up with, the less and less he respected me. He even told my sister that he did not respect me.

    Now I have finally met someone I might want to have a relationship with but I don’t want to make that mistake again. I am determined to go slowly, not sleep with him out of loneliness and maintain my self-respect.

    But I know it won’t be easy because I have been alone for so many intervening years.

  21. Elizabeth says:

    Hi Matthew! First off thank you for all you do. This couldn’t have reached me at a more perfect time. Thank you!!!!

    My scarcity mindset allowed me to be sucked into an 8 year relationship with a narcissistic sociopath. A pattern of similar relationships that lead up to it also. I finally woke up after having my children. It’s been two years since my divorce (woohoo) and so far dating has made me feel as though all there is available is bullshit. I’ve set my bar much higher and I am ready! I have learned that my guy will be healthy on all levels, if they eat right and exercise and have things they are creative with that is a good start. Haven’t found that yet. But besides all of the good compatibility questions I don’t know what are the right questions to ask when dating to filter out the bs from a genuine gentleman looking for something healthy and real. I’m looking forward to learning all of the things <3

  22. Elizabeth Gunter says:

    Hi Matthew! First off thank you for all you do. This couldn’t have reached me at a more perfect time. Thank you!!!!

    My scarcity mindset allowed me to be sucked into an 8 year relationship with a narcissistic sociopath. A pattern of similar relationships that lead up to it also. I finally woke up after having my children. It’s been two years since my divorce (woohoo) and so far dating has made me feel as though all there is available is bullshit. I’ve set my bar much higher and I am ready! I have learned that my guy will be healthy on all levels, if they eat right and exercise and have things they are creative with that is a good start. Haven’t found that yet. But besides all of the good compatibility questions I don’t know what are the right questions to ask when dating to filter out the bs from a genuine gentleman looking for something healthy and real. I’m looking forward to learning all of the things <3

  23. CarolAnn says:

    I too am guilty of this pseuo relationship. I have been struggling for two years now with a man i thought i would be with forever. Same thing . I do all the work. I do all the initiating . I know I need to stop but i really fell hard for this man. The first 9 months were awesome. Then between Christmas and New Years 2016 he told me he had to take a break. I panicked. The last two years i have spent in the pseudo relationship. Still seeing him. Making him dinner. Going for walks. I hoped he would see how good I am for him. He just wants to be friends. But i know it is going nowhere. I am not getting any younger and i feel like i finally came to terms with this and i need to move on. You are helping me realize this.

  24. Isabel says:

    That was awesome Matt, thank you!! I love and respect what you do.

    I made the mistake of striving to make an unhealthy relationship work. I strove to fix it and in the process lost myself for 25 years. Early on I saw red flags, but I decided to ignore them and thought I could help that person grow and change… I accepted unacceptable behavior and treatment against my common sense, which I soon lost.

    I am free of that relationship now!! I’m ready, after three years of healing, to embark in the adventure to find someone wholesome and special to continue growing with – true love.

  25. Hannah says:

    Hi Matt,

    Interesting share, thank you! A quick comment & question for you below – In the seminar video clip you showed, you ask the audience “what are you giving up [if you decided to stop the search]?” and then later, you state “I can’t see it – would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex? – I can’t see it.” I just wanted to write to you as I am an example of someone who actually has given up all aforementioned search-related activities so that you know these people do exist, even if there are only a few of us :)

    * I don’t leave the house (unless for dinner, yoga, work or hiking)
    * I don’t socialize (unless for work, networking, client events)
    * I don’t go on dates
    * I do not have sex
    * I don’t (and have never) ‘gone online’

    Existential human relationship question for you (agree or disagree): It’s unrealistic that every person on the planet expects they will find or eventually be in a ‘good’ relationship or find the ‘best match/life partner/soulmate’ etc. Is it not true that, looking at the bigger picture, many people will never find this or be in the relationship they desire (whatever that may look like)?

    Any thoughts/counterpoints/questions always welcomed; love your straightforward approach & rational reminders re. how human relationships work!


  26. Ceci says:

    I have not given up dating and I constantly follow your tips to meet guys, but it is exhausting— it either i do not meet guys I like or guys I like do not invest enough on me.. I have fears as you mentioned in this video I would not find love— now I try to take it easy, try to have some fun first before I take everything too serious… it is encouraging video.

  27. Shade Cole says:

    Hi Matt,
    A couple of years ago, I met a guy whilst I was at the gym, I approached him and started small short conversations with him every now and then, eventually we exchanged digits and started spending g time with o e another.

    I found myself always being the one to initiate conversations and making plans for weekends to see him and started to realize that I was putting in most of the work.

    I told him exactly how I felt and what I wanted and he seemed to pull back from me. So I moved on. We lost contact with one another for about 2 years. Then one day, I’m at work and guess who I run I to? Dave. He stopped and spoke with me and we spent a out an hour talking. He made the comment that he was stupid not to have taken me more seriously and at the time working g so far away it caused our relationship to fail. We wished he had met me years ago.

    He could see I was frustrated by this and I explained ed to him that I made it obvious and I don’t know how much more transparent I could have made it. I explained to him that we were not meant to have met all those years ago because if we were we would have. There was a reason why we were in each others lives now. That I was open to finding out what that was but that I was not I interest in playing his mind games. I was very ho east with him.

    A couple days went by after this and I received a message from him asking me how I was. I replied and after speaking g for a little while we made arrangements to go out. But here is the thing I am so mad with myself about, I four d that once again I was making all the plans to hang out to see him.

    So I decided like most bad habits to just quit. So I decided after weeks of not hearing from him and me no refusing to do any more chasing that I would break free from this stupid cycle. I blocked him on messenger and that was that.

    Until 6 weeks after I had done so I get a text from him. I decided to read his message, delete his message and delete his number and not reply.

    I have not heard from him since. So I can only assume he got the message? I still see his mom as her and I are very close. It still hurts when she talks about him, as all mothers do about their children. But I do t see why our friendship should suffer be cause his and my relationship didn’t work out?

    So after all of this I’ve become quite withdrawn from the dating scene. I’ve started to be one very closed minded person about relationship ships and finding love because I believe that people are selfish and really only in it for themselves. That they don’t care how their actions make others feel.

    In today’s world people have stopped caring about each other. Even if u meet a nice guy, its always great at first but after a while, it all falls apart. People stop caring about the other, fights break out, stress escalates and it all falls to shit.

    I am scared of this dating environment we find ourselves in in 2019.

    Thanks for taking g the time to read this.

    Shade Cole

  28. Kathleen Bonder says:

    Hi matt. It’s Kathleen. I seen your video. And yes it sounds alot like me. I was connecting toba guy from the dating app i was previously on. And he asked what my schedule was for this weekend. So we could meet. I told hin. He then told me he got a surprise text that he needs to leave to another country for work. Ok whatever. He never connected back to me. As he said he would. I sent him a text back. That i feel this is a false connection. Once a man tells me he’s leaving for another country. Means to me he will be asking me for money. It happened too me 11 times being on the dating app from men. So i may have got scared and blew him off. I don’t know if i made the right decision. Anyway he was connecting for marriage. I never met him in person. And then i got thid guy that i met off the app from before. Keeps trying so hard to connect back too me. But he likes ro sex text. I told him no sex texting. He’s connecting back normal. What is happening here. I want a real connection. Thanks

  29. Maria says:

    Dear Matthew: simply nothing happens in my life. I go out with friends. If I see someone cute I flirt with him but nothing happens,is as if I’m the most invisible person in the whole world. Or either, the worst in getting to know new people.Really just nothing happens!!! and I’m getting older and older!!!
    What thing would I give up, you’ve asked??? Invisibility

  30. Vanessa Williams says:

    I have fallen into this and was in the relationship for 3 years and now he comes in and out of my life. I am ready to let these bad behaviors go and find someone who respects and values me.

  31. April says:

    Brilliant!!! Thank you for this, especially then ending part scarcity etc. this is exactly what I have been doing this past year. Currently been dating a fellow 4 months but he has stopped making time for me on the weekends. When we are together for dinner and visiting I really enjoy him then when he tells me all he is doing over the weekend the emptiness I feel is worse than the pleasure I felt from our night together.

    You’ve made me realize I shouldn’t be accepting of this behaviour.

  32. Christine says:

    My friends constantly tell me things like think like a man and act like a lady, that I’m too caring and I shouldn’t be giving a flying pigs arse about some “Boy” who doesn’t deserve my time nor attention. I thought I was being nice by “seeing the good” that I never thought of the scarcity mindset that’s been there all along. The fear of letting a good thing -SMH. To answer the first question about what I would give up if I were to never worry about finding love is CONSTANT WORRYING. When love will happen I will gladly accept it until then I’m going to forget about it and focus on having fun and enjoy getting to know Christine a little better. You and your entire team are changing lives Matt. I really appreciate your efforts and dedication to help those who want to help themselves from all over the world. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. LOVE CHRISTINE <3

  33. Brittany says:

    I have been off an on with the same man for 7 months. In those 7 months a lot has happened. He has lied and hidden things. He got back into drugs and almost died a few times. For any normal person this would be an immediate reason to run, but I continue to stay. I fell in love with this man and the idea of him no longer being in my life is unbearable. I would give anything to not love him anymore but I have no clue how to move forward and not have it completely crush me. I have been seeing a therapist for the past year and I feel like all of the progress I made is gone. I dont know why it was easy to walk away from others for doing far less while walking away from this man is the hardest thing I feel I’ve ever had to do.

  34. Elissa says:

    Omg, i am another stastic. I am doing exactly what you said. I am accepting the bullshit from my ex partner but hoping he will realise what an idiot he is being and go back to how he was when we first met. I totally rely on the online dating thing. I have had a couple of longer lasting relationship but alas no cigar yet! One of my closest friends is going through exact same thing. She has pretty much given up in meeting the man. Im not, i know he is out there somewhere but I also know I need to get out there and do things I enjoy…
    Thank you Matthew, very insightful post. Elissa

  35. Bianca says:

    I didn’t pay enough attention and feel into accepting poor behaviour that snowballed. Unfortunately I ended up an emotionally abusive relationship that got worse. So many elaborate lies, confusion and twists and turns. It changed me.
    I’m mending from this, but I can see when I go on dates and things that my mind is confused, my intuition metre is still broken, and my selfworth is low.

    Sacrificing the bullshit version of a relationship resonated w me, because it possibly would have helped me avoid the person I met and henceforth a situation that lead to an evolving deterioration of my self worth, that has changed me as a person in so many ways.

    Working on it but hope to hope with a clearer mindset and improved values again soon. Death of the BS as you say.

  36. Kathleen Olivieri says:

    Amazing and inspiring video!! You are my dating guru!

  37. Elizabeth says:

    She wants to give up investing in people for them to let you down and repeat. Cos that’s what modern dating has become. You meet people, you like them and invest in them and they turn out not to be the person they say they are and letting you down. That is tiring.

  38. Isabel says:

    I think I was also victim of the scarcity mindset. My last relationship ended two months ago and I feel I have everything to it and he didn’t value it. But I also see how I put up with a lot of BS, made a lot of excuses for him and he started value me less and less. I wish I could somehow reel him back and do better, and at the same time I wonder if that reasoning is also part of the scarcity mindset and I should learn to let go.

  39. Samia says:

    As the lady in video says my pool is getting smaller n smaller n i m.nt getting younger same is my situation.aftr talking to a guy 4 to 5 years i m lik vanish or ghosted from his lif n he is sturbborn,nt willing to change his mind ,even not giving me chance to communicate so i can build foundation of a new n better relationship.this onlin chatting 5 years made me so desperate n i dnt knw how to turn my situation.plz suggest how to get bck n turn this situation

  40. Trasie Lovegrove says:

    Hi Matthew,
    I love this video. I pride myself on having high standards, being fiercely intelligent and independent but have also been accused of being intimidating, cold and not wanting a close relationship.
    I will not tolerate being undervalued, disrespected or someone not being serious. I am confident I will meet the man who can connect with me on levels but until then I refuse to settle or mark time with the wrong one.
    I look forward to your next video.

  41. Macarena Lolas says:

    Matt, you are the best.
    I totally related to this. looking forward to hearing more.

  42. Bec says:

    Hi Matthew
    Thanks for sharing a great video. I’m doing the exact thing your talking about. Accepting the BS. We have a great connection but constantly get mixed emotions/messages.
    Would love to learn more on how to not accept the BS.

  43. Hilda B says:

    If I’m in a relationship and I realize that my boyfriend talks to more women through social networks, we leave him for being unfaithful in some way or we continue with him hoping that at some point he will decide only for me? How long i have to wait?

  44. Shauna MacDonald says:

    Hey Matthew,
    Thank you for reminding me of this crucial tenet of dating, well, of life really. I never understood how being a people pleaser/peace keeper growing up turned me into a doormat when faced with the end of my marriage. It’s taken a few years, but I’m finally seeing how this behaviour has allowed me to sabotage myself and I’m finally getting started on the path to correcting it. Repetition is key, so thanks again. Your Retreat planted the seeds 2 years ago, I’m finally able to start sowing them now.

  45. Rose says:

    Hey Matthew, I really love this new video! I am guilty of scarcity mindset and I am currently in the BS relationship wherein he gives me mixed signals. He would say he wants to be the last guy I would meet in dating site then the next day he would say he doesn’t do “exclusive”. Would love to learn more about how to conquer this one :)

  46. Gabbi says:

    What if I’m the exact opposite of what you’ve been talking about in this video? I’ve been accused of not giving guys a chance and having too low a tolerance for their bull shit. I did stop all dating & sex for 10 years!!! That’s how fed up I was with men. I decided to try again these past 6 months to date & meet men. I’ve had pleasurable hookups but am still trying to meet a guy worthy of a relationship. It’s hard to stay optimistic but at least I’m still open to it.

  47. Hannah says:

    I let a man have 7 years of my life and I’m still embroiled with him despite him cheating on me, having a baby with someone else whilst we were living together, and years of emotional abuse that left me unable to work full time.

    I have stayed because I believed I couldn’t find any one better and because I believed one day he would ‘pull it out of the bag’.
    I am now trying to learn that I am enough. That I would be better single forever than living on his rollercoaster. Also because of that he is blocking my potential.

    I hope one day soon I will be brave enough to walk away. The recent videos you have posted are helping me get to that point. Thank you.

  48. Colette says:

    Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
    So relate to everything that you discussed which leaves a woman to just not care anymore which can be very disastrous in trying to find love again

  49. Emmanuelle says:

    When I listen to you, a little voice says to me that you are right… and I keep a relationship because he is a sexfriend, and I am afraid of loosing him, and at the same time asked him to have more, meaning a “normal” and “true “ relationship! And he refuses it to me, telling me he does not “feel” it. Which makes me so sad…

  50. Meagan says:

    Yes & yes! Looking forward to the next video. Even if I haven’t found my dream relationship yet, you have given me hope & strength.

  51. Luana De Freitas says:

    Confidence and Love Go Together.
    As you grow in confidence, so does your capacity for Love.
    Greater confidence diminishes your need for approval.
    That was my pic. Thank you.


  52. Rebecca says:

    Hmmmm.. yes I relate to it. It’s been 5 months since I havent been with him. In the beginning he pretended he was looking 4 a relationship then he said casual I accepted it bcoz I fell for him. . Well I’m getting tired of it . Also I’m sick of trying online dating apps as all i get is pictures of penises and told how sexy I am.. grrr frustrating as !!!!

  53. Gh says:

    So I had been with this guy on and off for about 3 years. I had a serious relationship in the middle, but it ended last year and we re-conected ever since, but the same. I told him, I was over him, but we could keep it casual until each of us wanted and it was fine. The thing is, he is willing to keep it casual on his side, but want me to treat him as my boyfriend…so the commitment is on me, but not on him (smart, right?). I was out of the country for two months and on that time, he was “missing me” and wanted me to come back, until, it was the time for me to actually come back. He was dismissive and again in the “I don’t care mode”…this weekend, he got upset, because long time ago I stopped following him on IG, after one of our broke ups, he started seeing someone and tagging her…I tried to be honest and mature and tell him the truth, he went in to, I think we should stop seeing each other etc…I am willing to sacrifice, I can’t take his bs any more. If he wanted to keep it casual, fine, but he can’t expect for me to be his gf whenever he is feeling down and need someone to hold him or having all that with any of the commitment on his side

  54. Sue Wells says:

    Hi Matthew, OMG you are so right… I’ve allowed my partner of 2 months, loose interest, simply because I allowed him to talk his way out of it.. simply because I didn’t want him to be that arsehole… Now, because I’ve lowered my values. His value of me has since been lowered, & he’s ghosting me

  55. Laurie says:

    Great video, Matt! I’ve been following you for years, and I’m always astounded at how insightful you are with those on the spot questions. You have wisdom about social dynamics far beyond your age. I really like the point you made; the activities that we do, which enrich our lives (e.g. going out and exploring and meeting people/getting curious about others), are worthwhile in and of themselves apart from the search to find a great partner. And to stop doing those things would lessen our quality of life.

  56. Claire says:

    Online does not work! Unless all you want is to practice hooking up. Which is needed to remember how much fun your vagina and physical touch can be. But then he will leave or string along with crumbs. There is no accountability. Circles of affinity – work, school, church, volunteer group, sports team, dance lessons/school, etc. is the Only way to have a real chance at this & be genuine.

  57. Rebecca says:

    Dear Matthew:

    You had disappeared from my inbox for a while. I’m grateful you’re back. I’m grateful you’re back because I trust you. I trust that you have my best interests in mind. I trust that you will refresh my memory about how awesome I am and then take me to the next level. I trust you will remind me that accepting mistreatment in my relationships can end now. I trust you’ll help me navigate a better, more effective path that leads to genuine love. Thank you.


  58. Klaudia says:

    I like your videos and also your quest

    But mostly I like listen to your voice and watch you .

    I’m doing your Programm and practice your advices – really exciting. Sometimes I don’t understand everything- bcs I’m from Austria and my main language is german .

    Thank you for your great work – I will let you know if something is going on in my dating life :-)

    Greetings from Tyrol

  59. Catherine Lee says:

    Hi Matthew, I have completely fallen into this dynamic – just this week, in fact. I finally decided to pay for Match (it’s been years since I paid for a dating service) after hearing from a perennially single ex-boyfriend who met his now serious, live-in girlfriend on that site, and immediately met someone who fits my ideal: divorced with three young children (I’m too “old” to have my own without an egg donor, which realistically probably won’t happen, and I really love children, so I want to find someone with younger ones), a reader, a doctor (that’s just icing), a dog rescuer with two great dogs, lives about 6 miles from me in the same city (Oakland) which is great because Bay Area traffic is just horrendous), very handsome, fit and healthy lifestyle, funny and makes me laugh….anyway, we’ve only met once and he quickly made plans to see me the next weekend, after we’d both be away visiting our respective families all week – texted me everyday including photos of his kids, etc. then air silence for two days preceding our 2nd date, then cancelled on day of after claiming to get sick after sitting next to girl on the plane back who was throwing up). Now maybe he did get sick, but to me and everyone I shared the story with, it was bull shit. So long story short, he quasi-ghosted. And instead of sending back one text saying Sorry to hear that; feel better soon, I sent a couple texts being solicitous: “I’m overdressed for this house-warming party (that I’d planned on going before our cancelled date) because I’m wearing the dress I was planning on wearing to our date” and “Can I get you ginger ale or Gatorade?” Hours later I got the response that I’m so sweet and no thank you but can I send a photo (of me in the dress). I responded that I didn’t want to give him a fever when he was already feeling ill with a winky emoticon and haven’t heard back since (this was all yesterday). Then I blame myself for being too forward, too whatever, and I start feeling that whole sense of lack that you talked about in your video. I haven’t had a 2nd date in months, and I haven’t had a real relationship in almost 10 years! I’m totally ready – have been – ready to meet someone, but I don’t seem to know how to play this online “game” very well, and it’s hard to put myself out there to meet guys in real life (I work as a nanny so don’t have opportunities at my job), and I don’t have single girlfriends – and as extroverted as I am, I don’t feel comfortable going to bars by myself. I started road cycling about a year ago, but am not quite good enough to go on group rides, but when I do, the men are always married. I haven’t given up at all; it’s just very hard not to go into that ‘desperate behavior mode’ when I finally meet someone I want to be with – I seem to do it unconsciously! Thanks for reading all of this!!

  60. Diane says:

    Yes to both questions. But only my last relationship did I fall into the trap. Because it was a long distance relationship,I let slide certain behaviors and stalling tactics of his. I’ve been married 3x. I’m excited to say I’m reconciling with my husband of 13 years. So, I know how to get the guy. But I have to honestly say, there’s a ton of Time Wasters & assholes out there. Been on dating sites for the last 4 years. It’s a real zoo. Thank you for all the light you can shed on today’s dating game.

  61. Mariana V B Lima says:

    Hello Mat,

    this video is fortunate. I was about to setle for the guy next door for the sake of being in a relationship.

    I’ll try to be patient and wait for your next video/ program.

  62. Gis says:

    I gave up on dating. I don’t do much to meet guys anymore. I hang out with my friends and socialize at work but don’t go out often. I’m tired to be around so much BS.
    I thing o got stuck with just one person accepting he not taking me serious as you equitation said.
    So how can i get out of that? Can I fix the no taking serious part from that one person?

  63. Solnar says:

    Yes it’s crap!!! When you go dating and you don’t know if he is married or single and you would be a Sherlock ️‍♀️ to identifying who is behind this mask. But it’s ok we are powerful and we have to go for it and make a good decision!!! Totally agree with you Matt !!!

  64. Red says:

    Yes and yes. Burn out is the common thing it seems for those who have been dating for some time like myself. I keep pressing on that something better will shine through in the pool of catfish and guppies as I call them. I know my worth, what I will put up with, and keep doing things I enjoy. But at this moment, actively dating is not at the top of my list regardless of wanting to have someone in my life due to the exhaustion of it all. Sometimes I just take a break to check in with myself before giving it a go again.

  65. Alison Kane says:

    First of all, thank you Matthew. Just this week I had decided to stop the search for love. My last relationship lasted 5 years. It should have only really lasted a month. I ignored the bad behaviour and made excuses to keep hold of the relationship. I woke up in the end. I have been single now nearly 3 years, tried a couple of dates but was losing the will to go on. Especially with dating sites. Now I don’t waste my time on anyone who shows signs of bad behaviour but so far haven’t met anyone who I would want in my life. Hence the “giving up” rant this week. I’m a 50 year old single mum who had nearly given up. You have given me a renewed sense of hope. Thank you again ☺️

  66. Hollie says:

    Yes I was in a 5 year relationship with someone, I gave my all to him and he didn’t treat me with respect and didn’t value me at all in the end, nearly single a year now and I’m stuck in endless dating sites of not the right men, struggling to connect with anyone, I’m trying to find things I love doing and meet different people but after being made to feel like nothing my confidence with men isn’t very good, but I’m working on it, this was very helpful thank you Matthew

  67. Zee says:

    Yes to both.

  68. m says:

    I would give up looking for man!!! it he comes he does if not whooo cares!!! go on with your life

  69. Andrea says:

    I don’t put up with the BS…which seemingly has put me in a position that I am alone. I don’t go out and do much as I am a single mom to 2 teenagers. I am told so often how amazing I am, that I am the “real deal” and that I am such a catch that “any guy would be lucky to have you”. Yet…here I am.

  70. Jodi says:

    Yes to both questions!! You hit it all right in the head!

  71. Dona says:

    What if someone had reached the point in which is not even trying to socialize any more? How do I get out?

  72. June says:

    What you talk about it so very true, because I have experienced it countless times in the past. I am now with someone who really values me and treats me with respect and showers me with love. I wouldn’t be in this fortunate position without all your invaluable advice over a long period of time. So from the bottom of my heart thank you so much h Matt xx

  73. Faye Cotter says:

    Wow! An excellent piece of content and video that and it’s soo true. I’m there right now and completely stuck what to do.

  74. Laura says:

    The answer is yes to both questions

  75. Christina says:

    Ok so that was too close to home and literally has me in tears because i am in that exact situation and can’t seem to extricate myself from it. However, you are spot on about not taking the bullshit and less than I should be valued. …now if I can just do it with this person…Thank you

  76. Christina says:

    I very much want to be taken seriously and find that type of long lasting relationship but the problem I fall into is being either stuck in the friendzone or the girl they just want to be casual with. How do I find the middle ground? I’ve met so many guys online who I’ve built many great connections with and long conversations but in the end they just tell me they want to be friends or even worse… friends with benefits. I tried putting myself out there by flirting and acting in a way “just friends” don’t, but that only attracts men who just use me or ghost me after they get what they want. How can I make myself desirable in a way that will keep them wanting to commit/stay?

  77. Yetzenia says:

    That was like the drop that I was needing to hear…you know Mattthew you are rigth ….I really like this video it was like if you were talking to me

  78. Christy Kutka says:

    Holy crap, this couldn’t come at a better time! I’ve been struggling all morning with how am I going to have that conversation, so I can stop the bullshit. I actually wish the next step wasn’t next week, but now.

  79. Amberlie Fielding says:

    I have definitely fallen into the “scarcity” mindset. I continue to feel burned by guys because of it, and it is extremely frustrating. I do want something real with someone, and I’m trying to get back to that place where I do things just because they’re fun! Help me, Matthew! :)

  80. Laura O’Reilly-Jackson says:

    Hello Matt & caring staff,

    I am Laura, 51 year old widow but very young at heart always. Dating is super difficult these days. Tons of scammers on websites like, impersonating military folk, asking for money or gift cards. Never video chatting! It’s major waste of time and energy. Your video resounded with me. I always care too much with genuine concern and then potential guys I truly get along with, feel like I’m suffocating them when I just enjoy talking to them, even briefly. I found a totally matching friend. We have tons of fun together and talk on the phone for hours. I’m in West Coast and he’s in East Coast. I have paid for 3 trips to see him because he wasn’t working at first, treated him to meals. Now he’s doing a huge 180 degrees and being cold and distant with me after a year. Saying I did everything on my own. He didn’t ask for anything. It’s not his fault. He might be getting back with very untrustworthy and financially abusive ex-girlfriend! He always says we are just Friends for past year. He doesn’t want a relationship, now this and blowing up my 4th trip upcoming for his birthday weekend. All my plans paid for, flight, hotel, rental car. Should I just drop him? It hurts. We know each other’s inner circles but he’s no longer affectionate or caring towards me in texts. I tell him he lead me on and he says he didn’t. If people saw us together, they would think Couple. We share bed in hotel room, share food & drinks, take pictures together. We were intimate at first, then he said he didn’t want me getting too much feelings for him! I need serious advice! Thank you so much for reading all this mess.

  81. Sofi says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I’ve fallen in to the trap and allowed the bs. Yet through your lessons and my mistakes, I learnt not to accept the bs and found myself the best guy ever.


  82. Christi says:

    Hi Matthew,
    For me it’s hope that ive given up.
    And I’ve accepted bad behaviour but I don’t know whether I can hope again. I have a minimum amount of abuse level now. And unfortunately I’m fine with that now. Yes I know I’m not living my best life. But irony is I am. In my career and with my family. With friends I’m getting there had to cut some ppl off. I actually am asking myself why I started following you and I think there’s a part of me that wants to over analyse were I went wrong. But you are right. I’ve forgotten my value.

  83. Amanda Simmons says:

    Hey Matt, thank you for this! I’ve just recently gotten back into the dating game and it’s definitely been a rollercoaster ride. It just so happens that today I’ve been in that funk where I feel like it’s almost more of a pain than it’s worth. Videos like this always seem to pop up at the right time and it makes me feel better about what I’ve been going through, that I’m not the only one going through it and that it’s a very normal part of the process in finding the one. Thank you for all that you do and helping me get my mind right about it all.

  84. Rebecca says:

    Hi Matthew,

    My name is Rebecca. I’m 41 years old. I have 3 kids aged 16,13 & 9. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. While my husband is a wonderful man he sometimes doesn’t speak to me with the respect I deserve. In recent years I have developed the confidence to as you say it ’cut through the BS’ and have made him realise that the way he speaks to me sometimes has a negative effect on me. I have seen an improvement and Believe that no matter how long you have been with someone they should treat you with respect and bad behavior shouldn’t be excused. Thank you for your videos. They help married people as well!! Rebecca

  85. Julie says:

    I love how you speak so pragmatically to the many challenges we as women face in today’s dating world. I am absolutely guilty of accepting less than I’m deserving of because of the scarcity syndrome – however, and perhaps fortunately, I no longer have the energy for it anymore so I’m determined to love myself fully and if I meet someone who does as well – great. If not, I will love myself and love life to its fullest regardless.

  86. Ileen says:

    OMG Matt!! That was the most awesome video that you have ever done!, Such an accurate and targeted video about relationships exactly where I stand right now!! I’m 57 and divorced, trying to overlook blaring alarms going off as I get to know someone, not listening to my intuition, just so I can get to the part where I possibly feel connection, chemistry or love again. I am so starved after living with my ex in a dead relationship so long, to wait for the kids to grow up. Still hopeful.

  87. Beatriz Fernanda Barbosa says:

    Scarcity is something very real. It is! and there’s no denying it. Specially if you have some standards. Maybe in Some countries more than others.

    I gave up online dating which is, apparently, the only way people in Germany look for a date or relationship. I hate it and it’s not for me. So, yes, when I meet someone in real life that meets at least a bit of what I am expecting… it can/will be hard to not try to make it work at any level…

    I just wish I could live well with the idea that I am not going to find someone and be in peace with it.

  88. Tilde says:

    A and B. My first relationship and the only one I have ever had wasn’t good. I came into it in a wrong way. I wish I would have been more respectful to myself. Dating is hard at any age, and I just find it incredibly hard. I am as 22 ready for a relationship, I feel like I’ve been for a long time, but I want it to be the right one the next time and I will never ever not change into someone else just to get the guy.

  89. Dominique Page says:

    Watching this video literally made me cry because that was exactly what happened in my last “relationship”. When people asked what happened, I thought things were going so good, you 2 were so happy together… All I can say is I loved him more than he loved me. But watching this and hearing your words made me realize I sabotaged my self because I let alot of bad behavior happen and alot of things go because of this scarcity mindset. I need to get out of that. I am slowly but surely realizing my worth. I am percent there…I have another 50 percent to go. Thank you for the closure I needed.

  90. Gaby says:

    B. I’m ready to create something real. I’m so tired of the dating scene nowadays.

  91. Maggie says:

    This has been me! How do we avoid this in the first place? Honestly, it seems like it happens and I don’t even realize it at the time… Then all of a sudden I’m in the situation, frustrated, feeling insecure/not good enough/desperate and/or ghosted and I don’t understand what went wrong. I totally had that scarcity mindset… And then when one comes along, I accept behavior I don’t like, make excuses etc. I am a high-value woman — and I want to behave that way so I can find a great guy and the love I have been searching for. How do we do this to keep them interested but without coming across like a bitch? Help!

  92. Jill Sands says:

    Wow the question – if you’re about to give up, what are you giving up ? Excellent question perfect timing for me!

  93. Gale Scaramuzza says:

    At the point in the video where you say, “The thing you value the most,…now values you less.”, I paused the video and wrote in my journal, “I VALUE MYSELF the MOST.” And what was so cool was, I MEANT IT!!!! I don’t feel like I would be sacrificing anything anymore, because I will always hear you call it “the bullshit, pseudo version of a relationship.” Thank you so much Matt!

  94. Lisette says:

    I completely agree with you Matt. I actually did this exact thing with the last guy I dated. I was so excited about the potential relationship that I would go to him whenever he would call. Eventually he ghosted and left me with a lot of questions. But listening to you right now made so much sense.

  95. Sandi says:

    I absolutely admit to falling into that scarcity mindset before. Many times. But at 43 and only having a third date with 2 guys in my lifetime makes me wonder if I would be able to pull myself out of it. As for the question of, “What would you give up?” I have already done that. I gave up hope. I gave up even remotely believing it is possible, gave up any of the dreams of the future involving someone in my life. I gave up having any trust in men. That in turn made me give up asking friends to introduce me to people, give up keeping my chin up and eyes & mind open when out and about, give up challenging myself to try new things to meet people. And since men have never asked me out, I gave up asking them out which eliminates dating entirely from my life (which has NEVER been fun for me anyway). Guess not the most positive reply, huh?

  96. Mariana Martìnez says:

    I’ve been on so many unhealthy relationships that this time I’m dealing with a much younger guy that I met here when he came for several months to my country to work on a project and he comes back every once in a while because of work. He lives in the other side of the world but we got in a only sexting relationship that got me to the point of “even being here I want to be treated right “. I’ve been practicing the stop answering when he disrespects me and it’s actually working, he always comes back.

    I know this isn’t leading to anything serious but I’m taking this chance to practice leaving when there is lack of respect.

    I really need to know how to give up the Stop wanting everyday to find real love, stop thinking every day, stop stressing every day….

    Well I’m on a serious problem, I had a serious accident and now I’m on a wheelchair and sometimes it’s insecurity of myself as a woman even though I work on a big company, I drive my car that I’m paying on my own, I have a pretty normal life.

    I really hope you answer.
    Thank you

  97. Thuraya says:

    Scarcety mindset. It happened when I started dating someone I really liked after 5 years of being single because there was no one I liked who liked me back.
    This one was someone I liked who apparently liked me back… because it seemed too good to be true… him not answering me till later on the same day we were supposed to meet (time was not decided), I was that upset that my reaction to his call later was me being desperate to see him. I told him that though. And when he didn’t write the next day I wrote a message breaking the whole date off because I told him I do not wish to be treated like that.
    Right or wrong. I don’t know. But I know it hurt me more than it should have because of my scarcety mindset.

  98. Ildikó says:

    A, and yes, B! Thank you so much for the mirror! you are holding to me❤️I have learnt so much from this video, I am so grateful to you, Matthew

  99. Sharon says:

    Yes I did allow that to happen. But it’s over and I’ve been single 11 years. No dating, nothing. I dont know where to meet someone, and how to actively do it. Never met someone at the park, the grocery store, the coffee shop. Where do I go? I’m almost 50, overweight(working on that), and the bloom is off the rose. It’s just not happening. I need the basics! How do I strike up a convo? Where do I go in the first place?

  100. Bonnie says:

    Hi Matthew, I do keep falling into this trap of scarcity mindset. I have a few things that I’m looking for in a man that I find non-negotiable and are hard to find like political leanings and not religious affiliation. I’m also extroverted, social and gregarious and want someone similar. It’s so hard to find.

    I met someone recently and we acknowledged that we were attracted to each other but he recently started seeing someone before we met. Though he texts me a lot, almost every day and sometimes the texts verge on sexting. We hang in the same circles now and I know I’m lowering my standards just to be near him. I don’t like to be side dish.
    Watching your video makes me realize that I’m operating in a scarcity mindset and I need to realize that if he exists then there is someone else out there that also exists that has those qualities and more.

    If it does turn out that the relationship ends with this woman and wants to see me, I’m not sure how to handle that in a high value way because I don’t want to feel like the 1st Runner Up.

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