Do you feel like you have “dating burnout”? Like modern single life is a treadmill of flaky guys, false hope and meaningless hookups?
If you’re still interested in finding real, deep, meaningful commitment in modern dating (yes, it does exist), I need you to stop what you’re doing and watch this video now.
Has Caring Too Much Ever Sabotaged Your Relationship?
Are You Ready to Create Something Real in Your Love Life?
Leave a Comment Below…
I don’t need to be a mind reader to know that an enormous number of people watching this video right now feel this…
“Dating Sucks…”
Now why do they feel this way?
Because they want to create something real.
Chances are if you’re watching this video, you want to create something real.
You wanna find someone who values you. Find someone who invests in you. Who you can invest in. Someone who you can build something enduring with, but instead here’s what you get…
Casual dating, meaningless hookups, and mixed, confusing-ass signals.
Now this leaves people very frustrated.
It leaves them wondering if what they’re looking for is actually out there.
I recently ran an exclusive closed-door event for my closest clients.
It was invite-only, and I made them one promise:
I am gonna talk all day about how to create a real and lasting relationship, and avoid the casual dating, hookup culture we feel like we’re currently existing in.
What I’m about to show you is a clip from that private event.
A moment that highlights the frustration people are feeling right now that we’re talking about here. And watch all the way to the end, because after that clip, I’m gonna join you back here to show you a strange, counter-intuitive way that that frustration I’m talking about could actually be costing you the real relationship you’re looking for.
Check it out.
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Audience Guest: “Hi Matthew. Good to see you. Welcome back to NYC.”
Matthew: “Thank you for having me.”
Audience Guest: “The content that you have today is really amazing, and I’m really happy to be here. That’s first of all.”
Matthew: “Thank you.”
Audience Guest: “Recently, I had a conversation with a gentleman who said to me, ‘You know, Cecilia? You are intimidating to men. You are too smart. Guys can’t get over on you, and that’s gonna be a problem for you.’ And I thought, ‘I don’t wanna guy in my life that’s gonna be intimidated by my strength. I want someone that’s gonna embrace my strength, and who I am as a human being, and as a woman.’ As I get older I find that it is a little harder, and I ask, how can I allow myself to be open to love, finding a great partner who’s gonna embrace who I am?”
Matthew: “What you’re saying works on the presumption that men inherently find smart women unattractive, or intimidating. Some men are intimidated by smart women. Some men are intimidated by women who have found their purpose, who have found something that they really enjoy doing. Especially if those men haven’t found what they enjoy doing.
“Some men are intimidated by women who go to the gym a lot. [Laughter] Especially if they can’t get themselves to kinda get into a routine with that.
“I mean I just think that the…higher a frequency you’re living on, the less people are gonna be either available to you or desirable to you.”
Audience Guest: “So how do I find love if that’s the case? My pool is getting smaller and smaller. I’m not getting any younger. [Laughter] I’m sorry…”
Matthew: “I just think that it doesn’t help you to think about it in the macro like that. Like you’re thinking about it at this bird’s eye view of, you know, ‘My pool is getting smaller, and men don’t like… They’re intimidated by intelligent women, and this, and that,’ and… I just… I don’t…
“My friend is a doctor, and he told me a phrase once, he said, ‘statistics don’t matter to the individual.’
“In medicine, when someone has a rare disease, the fact that only one in a hundred thousand people get that disease is irrelevant to the person that got the disease. Right? Statistics don’t matter to the individual. And I would say that on a relationship level, statistics don’t matter to you either, and won’t matter to you when you meet someone special.
“It won’t matter to you what the economics are right now of finding a relationship.
“It only matters to you now because those are the terms that you’re thinking in, and I just don’t think that it serves you to think in those terms. If I had thought in those terms about business, I never would have started a business. The results of businesses succeeding–new businesses–are so low that if you went by that you would never start a business.
“But I didn’t start a business to overcome the odds of business. I started a business because I had something I really wanted to say, and do, and I wanted to live a life where I wasn’t going into a job I hated. So it was a different thing driving me.
“And I understand your point. I’m not minimizing that it’s difficult to find someone special.
“It is.
“It one hundred percent is.
“The good news is that everyone’s feeling the same way.
“Right? Everyone’s feeling that.
“No one is… It’s…
“It’s really hard no matter who you are.
“You could be a person that like a hundred men are throwing themselves at you a day… It still doesn’t mean you’re gonna find anyone you wanna spend your life with.
“It’s just hard for everyone, but again I don’t think that it’s because you’re smart. I just think that the more you achieve in life, and the more you drive yourself, the less people you feel… You could still connect to everybody, ’cause I think there’s something to learn from everyone… but there are less people that will just resonate on that frequency that you’re on, and you know, that’s okay. That just means you have high standards, and you have to keep doing it.
“And if your view is, ‘I can’t keep doing it.’ Then I say, what is the thing that you keep doing that you’re deciding you’re not gonna do anymore? I would like to know Cecilia, if you said to me, ‘Matt, the whole point of me saying this, is because I’m about to give up.’ What are you giving up? That’s what I wanna know. What’s the behavior, what’s the thing that you’re gonna stop doing because you’re sick and tired of not meeting the right man? Tell me that.”
Audience Guest: “I don’t know, because I think I’m doing a lot of different things to try and meet the right guy.”
Matthew: “So what’s the thing that is disrupting your life right now that you don’t wanna do anymore?”
Audience Guest: “I don’t wanna worry about it. I want it to happen organically.”
Matthew: “Okay, but like what does that mean? You want it to happen when you’re laying in bed?”
Audience Guest: “I’m standing at a cafe… I’m gonna use one of your lines. I’m standing at a cafe, and I actually start chatting with someone.”
Matthew: “Okay great, but that’s not organic. That’s you trying.”
Audience Guest: “Well…” [Laughter]
Matthew: “So again, what’s the thing, like…I’m challenging you right now, and I know you can take it, but I… I don’t know what your question is. Is your question, ‘Is it hard to meet someone that you spend the rest of your life with?’ Yes. Is your question, ‘Do I really want this?’ I think, probably the answer is ‘yes.’”
Audience Guest: “Yes.”
Matthew: “Right? ‘Cause it’s an experience of life you wanna have.”
Audience Guest: “Yes.”
Matthew: “Is your question, ‘Should I give up?’ Well, to that I respond, what are you giving up? Leaving the house? What are you giving up? Not doing new things? What are you giving up? Going on dates sometimes? What’s the thing that you would give up?
“I challenge all of you: What’s the thing you would give up?
“Because to me, none of the things that you do to meet someone, apart from spending hours and hours online, which I don’t support anyway. [Laughter] But none of the things that you do to meet someone are things that wouldn’t be good for your life anyway.
“If I took off the table the idea of ever meeting your dream guy. Let’s just remove that. I take it off the table. Never gonna happen. I’ve literally made sure that can’t happen for you. I’ve eliminated every man on earth that could be your perfect man. [Laughter]
“Okay.
“I’m curious as to how many of you would stop having conversations with people in general.
“How many people would say, ‘Well, since I can’t find the one, I’m just gonna stop socializing. I’m just gonna stop going on dates at all. You know? I’m gonna give up the whole sex thing. Like I’m gonna just… I’m not gonna do any of this.’
“I don’t buy it for a second.
“What you would do is you’d say, ‘Okay… Well, I guess I’ll go on some fun dates that won’t turn out to be the one, but you know, I’ll just have some fun times. You know, go out and enjoy meeting new people. Stay curious, get to know people’s stories, and I’ll make the best of it, but I can’t give up this part of me. Cause it’s in me. It is me. It’s part of me being a woman who wants to go out there and explore, and meet people, and connect, and be intimate, and be warm, and be affectionate. I’m not gonna give up all of that.’
“Cecilia, what you have to ask yourself is…
“I get the frustration. I get it. And I’m not minimizing that, and I understand the frustration of searching for someone really special, and right now it’s not happening, that person isn’t there.
“But you have to get back to that question:
“What would I do differently if I decided to give up the search?
“What thing would I give up in my life?
“Because I put to you that it would be very hard for you to name something that you would give up that wouldn’t cost you in other ways.
“That wouldn’t actually hurt your sense of joy, and fun, and fulfillment in other ways by deciding, ‘This isn’t for me.’ I can’t see it. What would you stop? Dating? Dating is fun. Like even if it’s not the love of your life, like going on a date, and sometimes there’s chemistry, or sometimes you get a new friend out of it, or sometimes… Who knows? Like would you really give up any connection to the opposite sex?
“Like, I don’t know… I can’t see it. I can’t see it.
“So I think that there’s so many things we do in pursuit of that person, that are worth doing for their own sake, that it’s almost not even worth worrying about in the way that you’re worrying about it. It’s just like… Just keep taking chances.
“Keep being proactive.
“Keep being the kind of person that steps out of her comfort zone.
“Keep being the kind of person that puts herself around other people.
“Keep being the type of person that is open to experiences in life.
“In that is being open to love, but we don’t even need to call it that. Just be someone who is open to experiences, and should you find yourself in a situation where it seems to be getting intimate or whatever and you like the person, do everything we’ve talked about today to make sure that you give yourself the best possible chance of being taken seriously by that person.
“Let’s keep going. Thank you so much by the way.”
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Look, I wanna make one thing clear. While I believe that there are many things that we do that will bring us a relationship that are good for their own sake, and worth doing even if they don’t bring us the love of our life, I understand and respect how hard it is out there.
You are dealing with so much crap.
People who have just the worst behavior. People who will do anything to use you. People who will string you along even though they have no intention of taking things anywhere meaningful or serious.
The frustration you have with that is one thousand percent understandable, but that frustration has a bad side effect for your love life. That frustration leads to the feeling that there really isn’t anyone out there, or at least the suspicion that that thing you’ve always been looking for might never come.
That leads to a scarcity mindset.
When you have a scarcity mindset it puts you in a dangerous position, because when someone comes along who has even a mild connection with you, someone who shows you a glimpse of what you’re looking for, you latch on.
You get so excited about it.
So grateful for it that you’ll do anything to keep it.
Now that’s very dangerous, because when you’ll do anything to keep something, when you see the potential of it, and you’ll do whatever you can to make sure that goes somewhere you start being more forgiving of bad behavior, and maybe not even bad behavior, but someone not giving you what you want.
Someone treating you worse than you deserve.
Someone not truly investing in you.
We start making excuses for them.
We start justifying it, because god forbid it goes away altogether.
When would you find someone again?
You have a connection. You wanna hold on to it, right?
Now here’s the really dangerous part.
When you start accepting worse behavior this person begins to value you less.
So it looks like this:
Having a scarcity mindset about what’s out there makes us accept worse behavior from the person we’re with. When they see us accepting bad behavior from them, or low investment from them, they stop taking us seriously, because they look at us, and consciously or unconsciously, they think, “What kind of person would allow me to treat them like this? Not someone that I should take seriously. Not someone that I would have a relationship with.” So now, even if that person had the potential to have a relationship with you, they’re starting to see you as lower value.
They’re starting to see you as someone who may not be worthy of a real relationship, because you’re treating yourself like you’re not worthy of a real relationship.
So the irony of all of this is the thing you value the most, which you’re letting get away with murder, because you value it the most now values you less precisely because that’s what you’re doing.
So I’m talking to you right now if you are looking for something real, because let me tell you this, if you wanna attract the real you have to be prepared to sacrifice the bullshit, and when I say the bullshit, I mean the bullshit version of a relationship that you’re currently being offered.
The pseudo relationship.
The halfway house.
The breadcrumbing that you’re sick of.
The people disappearing or ghosting you that you’re sick of.
If you actually want to be taken seriously you have to prepared to sacrifice the bullshit. And by the way, sacrificing the bullshit can mean giving up the guy so that you can go out there and find someone who’s serious, or it could mean sacrificing the current dynamic and taking the risk to graduate it into something more. The death of the bullshit you have with him right now and the birth of a better, new dynamic that you have with this person because they now take you more seriously.
So I’m on a campaign right now for those people who want something real to show you exactly how to create it.
I wanna walk you down the path that you actually want to go down, because this isn’t about an unrealistic level of optimism.
I know how hard it is to meet someone you really like.
How hard it is to meet someone that you actually wanna make it work with.
So when you do meet that person, you wanna do the right things.
Join me next week, ’cause we’re gonna be continuing this conversation, and we’re gonna make some serious progress together.
For now, leave me a comment.
Letting me know, A: If you’ve fallen into this trap before, and you can relate to it. A time when you cared so much that that caring actually lead you to doing some of the wrong things.
And B: If you’re ready to finally create something real.
I can’t wait to read those, and I will see you next week.
I was going close up myself like Cecelia. I was get a guy in tinder, and I used a soft to telling I don’t fucking around. Thing go well, the guy respect who I was. That one day, the guy didn’t manage to meet up, same to second day, I honest to tell the guy that what I really don’t like. We had a great argument,
I feel very difficult that he can’t be honest tell me how does he feel? We decide to go to trip, I really did that I want the relationship so much and I lost myself that what I really want from a men. We came back from the trip, to come back I really wan tto ask stop. Let us be friend, he send me a message that I gave him a lot of trouble. Thank you for the video, I open to experience again and learn from my mistake.
Good video! I feel very similarly having achieved a lot in life, partially because I am single and took many opportunities to live my fullest through travel, education, etc. (I’m actually walking down the beach in Rio de Janeiro now while listening) I sometimes anticipate men will get intimidated by me and it will end after the first date. I read online profiles carefully and try to have a phone conversation first to sense their intentions and confidence. It’s very daunting to go on numerous first dates that don’t go anywhere so I’ve learned to read between the lines closely. I don’t particularly enjoy online dating but I still give it a shot if that great man happens to appear. I practice seeing positivity in things and this video is a good reminder not to give too much value to the scarcity because it’s true, it doesn’t matter to the individual! It’s a waste of time and I’d rather do something great for myself than spend time worrying. It’s definitely tough and frustrating dating today, these videos and my community support are super helpful to pull me through.
Matt, please post more videos like this! Discussing relevant sentiments from your seminars in this tough dating world and direct advice are valuable. Thank you!
This has been very interesting in that it says you don’t have to be the person you wound up being in a relationship or a new relationship. I especially related to being uncomfortable when someone says you’re an intellectual. And I’m just naturally curious and read a lot and do the things I love alone – rather than wait for someone. I don’t want to go back to Paris alone
Hello Matthew,
I’m 36 years old and been dating a 29 year old.
He and I started talking about a 2 months ago, we went on 4 dates and the chemistry was insane!
Recently, he started to pull away without notice. I then started to reach out and he would respond but hours later or until the next day.
About 2 days ago, I confronted him about it via text and I haven’t heard from him.
I’m ready for something real. I don’t want to give up in meeting new people but it’s a struggle.
Thank you,
Carmen
Hey Matt,
This video hit me right at the perfect moment!
I went out last night and fell into a little midnight depression, that I was doing something wrong that I was actually unattractive and nothing that anyone would want because I thought I saw nobody wanting me but just my friend. My whole reality warped in front of my eyes in that instance. So yes I am in the midst of feeling what you talked about in your video. And I really want to change feeling bad about myself because my standards are possibly rising.
Matt
Well that’s me I’m that girl that’s been in an 8 year “relationship” going no where. In the beginning my man was amazing. Over time I cared more and allowed segments of his poor behaviour to creep in at times thinking if I tried harder he’d give me more attention .. The past 2 years I’m somewhat sad to say I’ve started to care less.. I’m divorced 50 female that is feeling there is no one out there for me. Thanks for the video opened my eyes even more to what I already suspected I was doing wrong. I’ve been working on doing the things you talked about in this video for that past 2 years. You validated it for me. I’m for sure on the right track to a happier me !
Thanks Rosalie
Manitoba Canada
I’ve recently fell suite in giving guys second chances and seeing the possible potential or good in that person. Even though there not good for me. Partly because I’ve had a difficult past in family history (having a family period).Anyone giving me attention and taking me out makes me feel important and wanted. I’m learning to not take discounts and walking away and not giving someone my whole self(sex) unless were in a relationship. I’m learning to love and find myself and not depend on someone else to do that.I’ve been going more out of my comfort zone to meet others. I’ve recently taken up salsa and enjoying ever minute of it! I’m thinking about going off dating sites period because its caused me alot of stress, heartache and money I can never get back. When now I feel comfortable going out in the comments and meeting someone naturally. Thank you so much for all your advice and insight videos and tips. Have a blessed day!!
I think I fall into this category
Can’t wait for your next video Matt, thank you!
Yes, I’ve made excuses for the person I latched onto. Absolutely.Lowering myself to fit more into “their” life and put mine on the back burner. This just happened recently. I like non-americans since I have traveled extensively as a professional ballerina. So I met an Irishman. We really hit it off. After the first date of just talking over a Guinness he said, why don’t you come up to my place and we can go out next weekend. Wow I thought I didn’t even have to say anything. This followed after that date to him saying, hey, I’ll come up to see you next weekend, and he did. Now the 4th date was a bit weird, he was not as affectionate and didn’t hold my hand etc. Then he said, I’ve been thinking. ok, i thought, here it comes. he said, I’m set in my ways. Don’t think I really want any thing involved, I feel you want more. So, we really clicked which I don’t find at all. So after this past week I said. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. I guess now it’s up to him. but….after how he was so in at the beginning I’m lost….Suzie
A million thanks Matthew…. By far, the best video I’ve seen. This is me… For a year now, this has been me with the same guy. And he finally broke me. So thank you, so much, for this video!
Hey,Matthew!
My nane is sharisa and im 19yrs old, never experienced or had a relationship,however, there is a guy that i talk too.
I live in Guyana and he’s all the way in Grenada we have the same spritual belives and weve meat once. I was over there for three months to be exact.
Weve been talking since 2016 and we have grown so much,and dicussed everything under the sun, however, there are times when he sends me mixed signals. He say’s were friends but i cant help but feel that were past all of that. He invests so much of time and energy into me. He listens, advices me, makes me laugh and is concerned about my wellbeing as i am his. He has brought up marrige multiple times, asking me if i would like to be his wife and at times im hesitant to reveal my vulnerable side to him because i feel like any minute he’ll just push me on the side lines or something. But he’s such a sweet guy, i just feel as if he needs time, i do too im only 19. But i have told him how i feel multiple times and he dosent want us to stop talking or for me to give up on him.
My question is whether or not i shoukd continue to pursue him, is there something there? A growing relationship or not?
What should i do, be patient and compromise?
Completely resonated! I was divorced and focusing on my kids for so long that once I met someone (when I least expected it) and it blossomed, after a few months I started accepting complete bullshit behavior, and justifying it. Something I would have never done. It just proved that I may have a lot of other things in my life figured out, but my mindset around dating again isn’t one of them…yet. Thank you for your insightful video. I feel like people make dating this huge big mystery and look at the world like people are intentionally treating us a certain way…but at the end of the day, we train them how to treat us. I can’t wait to have this mindset locked in and I appreciate how you simply explain a complex and important topic :) I look forward to your next video! Cheers!
OMG! SO ready for something different. In a moment of what may have been insanity (or desperation) I went back to match for April.
Just as you said: those that just want hookups and those that exchange messages then want to exchange numbers only to ghost out. Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!! Can’t take it. Help please!!
After watching this video, I realize that I’ve fallen into that scarcity mindset too many times. But after being so bored with the bullshit, I took a nearly two year hiatus from dating. I haven’t even so much as flirted with a guy. I JUST recently decided to break the hiatus and open myself up to dating again. And I realize that I’ve got to stand firm in what I want and need and not latch on to the first guy that seems like the perfect connection.
Statistics don’t matter to the individual. The best quote
Omg. I feel like you were speaking directly to me!! I’m in the scarcity spot now. I’m accepting changed behavior because I’m afraid to lose the guy because it took so long to find him. I know I don’t deserve the treatment. I’m having an internal fight with myself. Its so frustrating. I know what i have to do, just afraid to do it.
I’m definitely there!!! And I’m so very ready to find something REAL! I truly appreciate your direct messages.
My story is that I was married for 25 years, been divorced for four. I’ve done a lot of dating in the last four years and I’ve allowed myself to follow the breadcrumbs lately. That has to stop!!! I know what I want and deserve. I know how much I have to offer, and how much I’m willing to give.
I’ve developed a growth mindset and I completely appreciate you words!!! So much of what you say is applicable in many areas of life, that’s just part of why I love your messages!
Thank you for what you do!
Deat Matt, with this video I’ve realized that this has been a “program” in my brain, a pattern of behavior.
Since I started following you about three months ago, you have added so much value to the process I started living this year, My mindset is changing, I got rid of the pattern, cut strings with toxic, and started dating and meeting different people. My social circle has expanded, and I am enjoying this stage of my life so much. I am not desperate any more. As long as I keep meeting new people that I enjoy being with in a social way, the more the chance of maybe finding someone that I like, who wants the same things that I want, and want them with me… in the mean time.. I will keep enjoying the opportunity of having a new day to do good, be happy, and be great full…. I am an entrepreneur myself, business woman, love my work, I am 45 years old, mother of three wonderful teenagers, free spirit… I used to be a low self steam person, but now I am happy, feeling fullness…
Thank you so much Matt. Love Mica
I’m in this right now. About to travel back to see & talk with him for one final attempt to see if we can make it work. He asked me out when he found out I was moving away. We hit it off quickly – both finding we liked each other more than we anticipated. I moved a month later and, for the most part, the rest has been bullshit behavior on his end. I’m at the point where I’m over it and he will need to make changes or we will go our separate ways!!
I’ve excepted bad behavior for over two years…making excuses to myself and my friends for a guy I thought I was in love with . . I finally see the light and am ready to move on without this person .
I’ve just met a guy , and we definitely have a connection., And I don’t want a replay of my last two years !