How To Get Him Back (Even If It’s Been Months)

When you lose someone, it’s like an emptiness appears in your life that you can’t even remember how you ever filled before you met that person.

Maybe you and your ex fought all the time. Maybe you both were in different stages of your life. Maybe one of you simply made too many mistakes and you had to call it quits.

Now let’s be clear about this: The reason you broke up matters.

If you had a fundamentally unhealthy relationship with your ex, getting back together is probably not going to be a good idea. The only time it will ever be a good idea is when one (or both) of you has fundamentally changed as people and grown out of certain behaviours, be it jealousy, dependence, argumentative and selfish tendencies, or any other destructive habit that was toxic to the relationship.

So what about the question of how to get him back?

Getting Your Ex Back – The Game Plan

How To Get Him Back

First, I want you to think about this very carefully.

Right now, it’s going to feel like your ex is the only person you could possibly be happy with in your entire life. There’s about a 99.9% chance that isn’t true, so make sure this isn’t a trap you’re falling into believing you could never be happy with another person.

I know. I know. That’s easier said than done. At the moment, you’re probably finding it unbearably painful to imagine life without him.

Even if you know there were problems, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Sure, a few things might have been wrong. But SO much was right about us”.

You both had incredible sex. You shared the same passions for both reading AND marathon running. You knew he was a kind, decent, loving person that you could trust like no-one else.

Look, there’s no exact rule on whether you and your ex should still be together. If you want to hear more of my thoughts on this, check out my article on the 3 Honest Truths You Must Read Before You Think About Getting Your Ex Back.

But here are some basic rules depending on how much time has passed since you broke up:

1. How to get him back (if it’s only been a week)

Right now your emotions are all over the place.

You feel loss, loneliness, fear…you’re even probably wondering if you’ll ever feel ok again.

Just breathe.

You need to do a few things while the break-up is fresh:

–   Write down your thoughts and feelings about the relationship (be really honest – what worked about it, what didn’t work about it. Don’t look at it through rose-tinted glasses.)

–   Keep people around you who bring you up and work on building a life of INDEPENDENCE from your ex.

–   Have a period of No-Contact with your ex.

Give yourself distance. Put away those photos that remind you of him, stop the social media stalking, and start the process of healing your relationship wound.

After a week, send your ex a “Goodbye Letter”. In this VERY short message, you can do the following (and ONLY the following):

  •   Acknowledge any hurtful or painful things you did at the end of the relationship
  •   Be graceful and wish him well
  •   Say goodbye and accept the relationship is over

These are crucial steps to show to him that you are starting to move on. You can only then re-connect once you’ve built other areas of your life and when one of you has truly recognised the changes they need to make to mend the relationship.

I go through the entire detailed process of this in my Ex Back program, so if you really need examples of how to do this here is my copy-and-paste plan to win him back.

2. How to get him back (if it’s been a few months)

If you’ve been without your ex for longer, you now need to think about a few things:

  • Have I made a conscious effort to build a life in which I’m happy without my ex? (if you haven’t do this before ANYTHING else!)
  • How can I re-establish contact and create a new first impression?

Once again, in this scenario you need to make sure you’ve had a long enough period of time without your ex so that you can start fresh when you open communication again.

So here are your basic steps:

  1. Make sure you are living a happy, single life (meet other guys, have passions and hobbies, build a social circle).
  2. Have a period of No-Contact from your ex (if you’re still talking to him)
  3. Start contacting him with a low-key, low-investment message e.g. use one of my INTRIGUE texts, such as, “Finally tried that new breakfast place we kept talking about. Best. Toasted Bagels. Ever. Definitely worth the trip. x” (again, I have a ton of examples of this in my Ex Back program).

The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter how long has elapsed since you’ve last spoken to your ex (but if he’s in a relationship you now have to ACCEPT that fully and resolve not to attempt to break it up).

What you must do at all costs, is to establish INDEPENDENCE and POSITIVE GROWTH since your relationship ended. These are the essential traits that will make your ex see you in a new light and get him to want a relationship with you again.

When you finally arrange a casual meet up, blow him away with your new first impression, flirt with him in an off-hand way, and show you’re in-demand, and soon things will gradually progress towards getting together again (just don’t rush things and jump into bed too quickly!).

Now that you’re on the path, you can start to re-build and feel confident that, if nothing else, you have a game plan for getting your ex back in a healthy way. If you need more on the next steps, get my Ex Back programme and learn the exact step-by-step things you must say when you meet up with your ex.

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9 Texts No Man Can Resist

6 Responses to How To Get Him Back (Even If It’s Been Months)

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  1. Allie says:

    My boyfriend broke up with coming up three weeks now. I knew we had issues but it was still very out of the blue, I have gone through the various stages of panicking and sending him messages asking him to re-consider. I have cried down the phone to him and finally after he collected the last of his things, I text him the farewell message saying I accepted the break up and I wish him all the best. I am currently doing the no contact rule for about a week. I am doing things to improve myself and taking up hobbies, seeking therapy and I am starting to feel better everyday. I know that I can’t reach out to him right now but I want to in time be able to get him back. I saw that he deleted all of our pictures on social media and that really hurt so I have temporarily deactivated all my social media for now to get away from it all. I have no idea if this situation is hopeless or if there is any chance of us ever getting back together or if I should leave this to fate! HELP!

  2. Alexandra says:

    Hi, Mat!
    My ex broke up with me two months ago. We haven’t had any contact since. Then, I sent him a FB message about a concert of an artist he loves. I will copy our conversation here:
    Me: “You might be interested in this”
    I got his response right away from him saying
    – Thank you so much
    – You’re welcome
    Then, he added
    -I was going to call you tomorrow. Are you going to be in neighbourhood tomorrow? You have some things left at my place and I wanted to give them back to you.

    I was so off the balance that I only said
    No, I won’t
    The next day I sent him FB message saying
    I’ll get back to you one of these days about the stuff left at your place, no problem
    And he said that he has more free time so whenever I want.
    And I answered ok and that’s it.
    Now… I don’t know should I even try to get him back or just leave him where he is. Should I ask him about how much time should I plan for the day. Should I try to save the thing or is that the sign that he’s over me.
    We had great relationship which I screwed up by becoming overly dependent and needy out of fear of losing him (how crazy is that, right?!) I think we really had something special, but he wanted to experience more, to prove himself that other women are attracted to him. I was his first serious relationship. He’s 27 now. And I’m older…so…
    HELP! I’m going crazy over this.
    Thank you!

  3. ex love back says:

    i have read your article. i like this articles

    Thanks you

  4. Nina says:

    Hey Matthew. Omg I love you so much. Thanks for caring and for your passion for us. Two questions:

    One: Can you talk about workaholic men that choose work over relationships, even though they want a relationship? I’m a quality time person and this part always causes me to break up with the man because I feel in the end I’m going to feel more lonely than if I stay single. How can one be in a relationship with a man that gets more meaning from work? (To see where this question comes from, watch a movie called For Grace on Netflix. Will explain better.)

    Two: The last guy I dated is this type. I often wish I hadn’t broken up with him, but then I remember he never gave me a weekend (either he had his kids or some work thing supposedly came up) and so… And we had an epic time when we spent time (as per your advice). On week days. Cause I wasn’t working cause I got laid off (I’m now working again) the week we met.

    Is it even worth considering resuscitation? What if he’s seeing someone else? I went through your Paul video (the player) and your follow up video analysing. I heard what you said about adding value, but I was not in the best place to show all my value cause I had just lost my job. I realize I should not have been dating, but I’m now back to me and in a place where I have value to give.

    Know what I mean?

  5. Sneha Nemchand says:

    Hi all,

    I am interested in getting back with my ex as after having been on dates with a few other guys since the break up, I think that he is someone I can see a future with and the reason we broke up, felt to me, like a timing issue. My situation is fraught with lots of opportunities to say, just forget about it and move on. But its not been so easy. So I thought I would give this a try.
    I’ve tried to use the techniques, but as mentioned in a trainer Q&A I think I have ended up like a tour guide. And not very high value I suppose. If the last time we were in contact was 4 days ago (and pretty typically, I was the last person to message), is there any way to salvage this? Look forward to any advice.

  6. Fedra Sarelaki says:

    Dear all,
    I found this article really helpful and proactive in terms of getting a situation under control. However I am interested in knowing how to win back a guy who was never your ex in the first place. Specifically, he was a flirt to mw and a possible partner, however I was not available enough or courageous enough to encourage that kind of relationship (builder) as he is in the same workplace I am in too (plus he is the most attractive man in there).
    Thank you so much Matt, Steven and team!
    Yours Fedra

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