How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk (Especially After a Breakup)

“How do you avoid negative self-talk after a breakup? My ex was extremely critical and I want him out of my head.”

That is the question we answer in this week’s brand new video. I say “we,” because I’m not alone in this one. I’m joined by a very special friend of mine, Jeannie Mai – Emmy Award-winning co-host of “The Real,” and host of the podcast “Hello Hunnay.”

And, what makes this video “extra” special is that it’s taken from a 90-minute interview I did just for my Love.Life members, so you’ll get a taste of what goes on behind the curtain of my private membership.

If you are struggling with negative self-talk, this video is literally a precise prescription for what to do next. It’s 7 minutes of viewing that will make your life better today, I promise.

P.S. If you find this video as valuable as I know you will, and would like to watch the full 90-minute interview, you can access it right now with a free 14-day trial to our Love.Life Membership. Claim your trial at www.AskMH.com.

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Matthew Hussey:

This week, I invited my charismatic, funny, and razor-sharp friend Jeannie Mai to come and join me and my Love.Life Members for a special, exclusive session.

 

Jeannie Mai:

This is so cool. Hi Sally. I’m Mickey Ray. Hi Andrea. Hi Leslie. Hi Jazzy.

 

Matthew Hussey:

Where we talked about so many things, from dating, confidence, getting back into dating again, how to show vulnerability in a relationship, how to stick up for yourself. One of our best sessions ever.

 

Jeannie Mai:

I feel like I’m on a QVC chat. It’s so live and exciting. It’s, like, very energetic. I love this.

 

Matthew Hussey:

I wanted to bring you a piece of this because so many people out there are struggling with negative thinking right now. They’re struggling with anxiety, they’re struggling with insecurity, they’re struggling with uncertainty. This particular thing that I’m going to show you, this part of the session was about a woman who was trying to get over the negative thoughts that had been planted in her mind by an ex. Now, whether you’re going through that from an ex, or whether you’re just dealing with negative thinking right now, whether you’re dealing with internal struggles, this video is going to help so, so much

So check it out, and if you watch this and you love it, and you want to see the full interview, at the end of this video, I’ll let you know how you can do that.

 

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Matthew Hussey:

Harry, if we could send Jeannie that link to the top questions as well, but the top question right now is, “How do you avoid negative self-talk after a breakup? My ex was extremely critical and I want him out of my head.”

 

Jeannie Mai:

That’s really going to eff you up. That you got to get rid of that poison and that stain that that person left with you, and I’m glad you got out of that relationship, by the way, because it sounds like you’re now trying to figure out how to move on forward.

I always say this: My whole career today – I’m an Emmy Award-winning television personality and humanitarian because of a major breakup. I was engaged when I was 23 – no, 23, 22 guys – and it was a celebrity. Thank God we didn’t have social media there because it was something that was just in my life, but that relationship became very toxic for me. After I think it was three or four years we were together, maybe going on four, I decided I got to cut ties here and I’ve got to get out of this. I moved all my things out and I couldn’t stay in my area of San Jose because too many people knew us. So I moved to LA and I was like, “I’m pretty special. I’m going to make something out of myself. I don’t know what it is, but I’m going to figure out what it is.”

I knew I had some skills, like you knew I was a makeup artist. I had the gift of gab. I knew how to speak. I knew very well how to style women, and so that’s a whole journey on how I became what I became. But my tip to you is: I made a long list. There was maybe about 600 and so things on it, of categories from career, to personal, to weight and body of things I want to do, things I want to do for myself.

It started from work out three times a week. Figure out all the best hikes in LA. That was like the personal side. And then, I’m very introverted and I have a little bit of anxiety, to be really honest with you, so I made a list of social. Go out to one mixer a week. Make one new friend from every party and learn something genuine about them and get their number if you want to keep in touch.

They were little things that were very easy to do. It wasn’t like, go get a better body or go work out. It was like very specific things. Every time I thought about that mofo, every single time I thought about him – and remember, he was famous, so I was seeing him in OK Magazine, I was seeing him in things all the time – every time I thought about him, I went to that list and I did one thing and crossed it off.

I had so many options that if I only had an hour, I could easily go bang out a quick self workout, or I could easily give myself a makeover or I could go call one of my friends that I had met at a mixer or whatever it was.

This list kept me so busy, you guys. I had no time. I began to really like working on myself and I built my career off of that pain. I just want you to know once you get that habit of being efficient and being at the peak of your self care when you need it most, it is the best reward and you come out flossing ladies, every time.

 

Matthew Hussey:

I love that idea of using when you were reminded of him… You can’t eliminate all reminders of a person because even if you could get rid of all of the pictures in your house and blah, blah, blah, you’re still going to find triggers for that person. I love the idea that those triggers become a proactive trigger for every time you think of them, every time you go to that negative place, you use it as a trigger to do something positive for yourself. I think that’s an amazing new programming.

 

Jeannie Mai:

Positive or productive. Positive or productive. Like something career-wise. For you, it might be brainstorm a new list of jobs that you might want. Because we can always find a list of things, by the way, of things we want to do but we haven’t done for ourselves. It might be, you want a new job because you’re not happy where you are. You might want to get into a new workout regimen. You might want to learn a new recipe. You might want to be that nice friend that actually reaches out to friends and calls them and asks them how they’re doing, instead of just calling them when you need them. I became that a-hole. I was that person that only called people when they need them, so I had a list of friends that were like, “Do not talk about your boyfriend. It’s not about that. Don’t talk about your ex.” But I’m calling you to just say, “How are you doing? Tell me a fun story about your kids. What’s going on with you this week?” And it was so cool. I liked it.

You know what happens? I liked myself better. I liked Jeannie Mai better. When you break up with someone or you get dumped or you leave, whatever it is, you always feel shitty. You always look back, and women, we do this to ourselves, for some reason, we bash ourselves, we think about the “woulda coulda shoulda”. You’re sitting there loofahing your body, and you’re like, damn, “I should’ve said this. Should we have broken up? Did I end it too soon?” Because that feeling of loneliness is scary. It is scary. You wonder, “Maybe I should just say this. Oh, he keeps texting me.” Because sometimes they’ll keep texting you because they’re afraid of that loneliness too, and they’ll kind of make you feel like they want to see if your toe is still in his pond. No! I’m just kidding.

You start beating yourself up and you start questioning, you’re kind of flimsy, you’re not as confident, you start picking apart your looks. If they move on, you start comparing yourself. The worst. That is why this list of either personal or productive things for yourself, you get shinier and stronger and better every day as you tackle this list.

You’ll notice the things that you think about that person will start to dissipate because you are flourishing and you’re busy and you’ve got friends to call and you’ve got anecdotes to think about, and you’ve got goals now, and you’ve got maybe a new challenge because you just made a new call for a new job interview and you got to go get ready for that. Your life becomes life, and that person just becomes so small to spec in your past. It’s so good.

 

Matthew Hussey:

I think one thing that’s really important is that those things that are productive activities, we don’t confuse them with always being pleasurable in the moment. Because very often we do something productive as a response system and we still find ourselves feeling like shit, and we’re still thinking about that person, and we go, “It’s not working.” But the point of those things is not just for what they may give you in the moment, which is a bonus, but it’s for what they’re going to give you tomorrow. That you are building a life today that will exist tomorrow, that will be more full, more rich, full of anecdotes, experiences, pride in your health if you’re getting healthier, or pride in the new stories you can tell because you went to that social function.

Not everything will be pleasurable in the moment that you do it, and it won’t always feel like it’s working. I have something on my board in there, in my office that just says, no matter where I am, I keep this phrase just because it’s so obvious, but it reminds me, is every little bit of effort counts. The reason I say that to myself is because so often, when we’ve got a big project and we do a little bit of work on it that doesn’t even make a dent, it feels like, what was even the point? It’s like, I’ve barely made any progress. When you go to the gym, and it’s like, that’s the first of a thousand visits I’m going to need to do. None of these things feel like much in the moment, but they actually all count. Even when you feel like you’re not moving forward, those things are still moving you forward. You may not feel it right now, but they are moving you forward, and that’s why it’s so important to do them, whether it feels good or not.

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Matthew Hussey:

How amazing is Jeannie? She’s one of my favorite people. She gives such great advice. By the way, if you saw that seven minutes and you’re like, I got so much value out of that, imagine how valuable the full 90 minutes was? If you want to watch that whole thing, you still have the chance of doing that. You can become a member. I have a 14-day trial, so you can even just try it for 14 days if you want to see what it’s all about and watch the rest of that interview. To do that, all you need to do is go to AskMH.com. I’ll leave a link here. Super easy to sign up. And regardless, I will see you in next week’s video.

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9 Responses to How to Overcome Negative Self-Talk (Especially After a Breakup)

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  1. Ramona Fingersh says:

    This is a great idea. I am doing this already but it is awesome for those who don’t know what to do. When I get down I tell myself it is no ones fault it happened. I love myself and someone will love me again.

    Thanks for sharing.

  2. Marianne says:

    One problem I have is that one of the most rewarding projects that has helped me cope and feel useful during this pandemic is a mask project that he recruited me for, help one of his scouts (he’s a scout master) get his Eagle badge. So I can’t help but think of him when I’m working on that. One thing I love about him is his sense of service. And I’ve volunteered for different things since 2008. We’re aligned in that regard.

  3. Marianne says:

    Good advice. I guess I’ve been sort of doing this. I started playing piano, I did more volunteer work, started a veggie garden and a butterfly/bee garden, I did fun things with friends and my son, I still exercise, but that did ramp down during the quarantine a bit. It’s so hard to get him out of my head. Still addicted. The struggle continues. And I’m limiting my social gatherings since my state (Florida) is still reaching record numbers of Covid19 cases.

  4. Lisa says:

    Thank you! I think it’s a process, it’s not so easy as she talking in the video, we are not machine, it’s different for everyone, of curse it depends on the breakup, but time is needed. Its good to be busy but I think it’s better to go through the pain and not ignoring. Sometimes after a divorce people need a few years to heal .. there isn’t any recipe or one recipe for everyone. I went through a heartbreak and a divorce many years ago and it took a few years to get over it and I still can not open my heart ..I am trying. It is not easy.. and I think it’s very different for everyone.

  5. israa says:

    Hi mathew nice interview thank u

  6. Bee says:

    that’s a great video!
    it does make sense to put the energy back on yourself.
    eventually though I think there needs to be a balance and this isn’t the only solution.
    eventually i think it helps to do the inner work, to take time look at what specific criticism / lie is ruminating or running in your head and seeking to replace it with the truth instead. this requires a little bit of deep and rough inner work – if you’re willing to not run away from it and just be busy, but to actually do the inner work and take the time at times to look at it.
    i think both methods are needed.

  7. Adeyeri kafayat yetunde says:

    Nice one

  8. Gabriel chizoba says:

    Wow the first l started to do was to fed my head with good thoughts positive thoughts, with the help God in prayer and meditation every day and also focus in my daily activities like walking out, my business and so much more to keep myself busy l strongly believe that it will all pass away gradually l mean is part of those things life,,,, well life goes on..

  9. Johanna says:

    I’m so happy and grateful that there’re people out there like you who assure me every day that I’m on the right path and for Jeannie Mai who assured me that that feeling of loneliness is normal – even if you were the one ending it. Thank you very much!

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