Love & Money: 5 Awkward Questions Answered (feat. Ramit Sethi)

I find one topic almost no one wants to talk about is money.

So in this week’s video, I sat down with my good friend Ramit Sethi, bestselling author and CEO of “I Will Teach You To Be Rich,” to learn exactly how to have these difficult conversations so you can feel happy and secure about money in your relationship…

What’s the one piece of money advice you found most useful?
Leave your comment below…

Matthew: I am here today with a friend of mine. A special guest. His name is Ramit Sethi. CEO of, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, and he’s right here.

Ramit Sethi: How you doing?

Matthew:I’m good.

Ramit Sethi: Thanks for having me.

Matthew:It’s exciting… This is…We always meet for like dinner.

Ramit Sethi: I know.

Matthew: And we never have met on camera.I love this. Is this our first time being on camera?

Ramit Sethi:  Ah… Yeah.Wow. This is a first.

Matthew: I know.

Ramit Sethi: I can feel the energy.

Matthew:I’m nervous. [Laughter] So here’s what I did. I put out the word on Instagram to say I’m gonna be talking about money in the next video.Money in relationships. Money in dating.What do you wanna know?Here’s what you had to say, and I’m just gonna fire these questions at you, Ramit, I love it. and let’s see where we get to. 1.If he can’t financially provide for a family, should you proceed with the relationship?

Ramit Sethi: My god… They’re really…

Matthew: Did you know I’d be putting you on the spot to this extent?

Ramit Sethi: I’m sweating.It’s fifty degrees, and I’m dripping in sweat.I think the politically correct answer is that…Of course, you know, there’s more to life than just financially providing, but I think we should be honest. I think that for many people…your financial wherewithal is an important consideration in a relationship, and we should be honest.Now should it be the only thing? No, of course not, but if you think about the kind of lifestyle that you wanna lead, and that you wanna lead jointly with your partner.That probably involves money.That involves maybe living in a certain place.It involves how many kids you wanna have, what kind of school are they gonna go to, and activities?That takes money, and I think we should instead of putting our head in the sand and saying, ‘Love is enough. ‘ Love is important, but it’s one part of a relationship, and finances are really important.If you expect to live a certain type of lifestyle, and that’s what you envisioned your whole life, then the partner that you choose needs to be aligned with that.

Matthew: Or you need to be prepared to re-evaluate your vision.

Ramit Sethi: Exactly.

Matthew: For the life you thought you’d have, right? If love really is enough, Yes. If love really is enough, then it’s enough to re-evaluate your entire blueprint for the life you thought you’d have.

Ramit Sethi: Absolutely, and there’s a lot of that to be said.When you get into a partnership, when you get into a serious relationship…The vision you had for your life will necessarily change.It has to, because now you’re a team, you’re not just one.That’s okay.I actually look forward to that. I welcome that, but you do not want to be bringing resentment into a relationship.You wanna be confident and comfortable with what your vision is, and make sure that you’re on the same page.

Matthew: Yeah, and we’ll probably summarize that by saying, either change your vision, or change the person.

Ramit Sethi: There you go. One of the two.

Matthew: 2. What to pay for on dates so that he won’t think you’re taking advantage of him. What things should he pay for?

Ramit Sethi: Okay, first of all, I just wanna say, you have the single best answer anywhere in the world on this question. Everybody go watch his video. It’s so good… About, should you pay for the date?

Matthew: Jameson, throw up a little clip of that.

If you go on a date with a guy, and you don’t offer to pay your share, you weren’t taught right. If you go on a date and he doesn’t pay, he wasn’t taught right.

Ramit Sethi: I love what you said on your video though.Making the offer matters, and I think after two or three dates…Like really making a strong offer and saying, ‘This one’s on me’. It goes so far… It goes so far, and I told my wife when we met and we started getting more serious… I said, you wouldn’t believe what it meant to me that you actually picked up the check after date number three or four. Like it meant a lot to me, and she was surprised. I don’t think she had realized what men’s perspective on this is.

Matthew: Well, I think that is the danger…Is that it’s such an intensely, awkward subject for a guy to even bring up,

Ramit Sethi: Oh yeah.

Matthew: For a guy to even bring up that he’s far more likely just to hold on to this resentment about it that’s gonna come out later down the line, or even decide to stop going on dates with this person altogether, because he feels taken for granted.

Ramit Sethi: Yeah.

Matthew: 3. Is it better to have separate bank accounts, and pay for things half-half, or have one joint account to pay for things with?

Ramit Sethi: Both. What I would recommend for everyone is have a joint account where you combine some of your finances, and that would be things like, maybe your mortgage, or your rent, groceries. Things that are joint expenses. From that you also have your individual accounts.That’s money you can take, and spend on whatever you want.No questions asked. It’s your discretion. Go and enjoy, and you can discuss how much goes in each account, but I think it’s important to have a joint unit, and individual units.

Matthew: I like that.So you have a sense of togetherness about something, but you don’t lose that sense of independence in what you’re doing financially.

Ramit Sethi: Exactly.

Matthew: 4.How do you tell a potential partner that you have a lot of student loan debt without making them run the other way?

Ramit Sethi: That’s a good one.

Matthew: I guess that we could apply that not just to student loan debt, but you know, anyone with credit card debt, or any kind of financial baggage.

Ramit Sethi: Yup.

Matthew: How do they communicate that?What responsibility do they have to communicate that?

Ramit Sethi: They definitely have a responsibility.If you’re getting into a partnership, you gotta put it all out on the table, and the way to do that without freaking your partner out is number one, to be proactive.Don’t wait for them to be knocking on the door, and saying, ‘Hey… Like, I have a feeling there’s something not good here… ‘ .That’s a bad place to be.So be proactive, and the second thing is to be calm, to be forthright, and then to tell them your plan.Now notice in order to get there you have to do a lot of work, like ninety-five percent of the people who write me with debt don’t even know how much they actually owe. So to have this conversation means you need to get straight with yourself first, and you need to be confident. That takes some self work before you go and have the conversation with your partner.

Matthew: I really like that. I like the idea that you’re proactive. I like the idea that you bring a confidence to the plan. I think that’s the key, is that you’re…Look, we all find ourselves in difficult positions at one time or another in our life.Things don’t always go to plan, but if we come to someone saying…To me… I always say the same thing to women about if you have a job you don’t like. You don’t have to, you know…Is it more attractive to be doing a job you love? Yes, but you don’t have to be doing a job you love right now. If you do a job you hate right now, you shouldn’t talk all day about the job you hate.

Ramit Sethi: Yes.

Matthew: You should talk about your excitement you should talk about your excitement about the transition you’re trying to make.

Ramit Sethi: Absolutely.

Matthew:Talk about the plan, and so I like the idea that no one’s perfect. You might come to a relationship with debt, or you know, financial issues, but if you can confidently say, here’s what I’m doing about it that, A. Confidence, and B. The perceived competence in you dealing with it.

Ramit Sethi: Yeah.

Matthew: That becomes attractive in and of itself.

Ramit Sethi: Exactly.

Matthew: 5.In a world where men still often are seen in the role of provider and leader, how can a woman financially contribute without hurting a man’s ego? Especially if earning more money than him? I feel like one of the times that, that practically comes up is when the partner earning more money wants to do certain things.

Ramit Sethi: Yup.

Matthew: and you know, wants to take that spontaneous trip somewhere, wants to go and stay in that hotel, wants… And their partner isn’t able to just make that decision to go, and I think probably, culturally speaking that’s harder for a woman who just decides, ‘I wanna go and do this. ‘ and he’s thinking, ‘I can’t. ‘ ‘I don’t have the means to go on that trip you wanna go on. ‘ Do you think in that sense the woman should just…Okay, she wants to go…She just pays, because she’s got the means and he hasn’t, and doesn’t make a big deal out of it? And says, ‘You know, I wanna go, and I don’t mind taking care of it. Let’s go. ‘ What do you think?

Ramit Sethi: I think that first of all, that situation’s complex for either party, man or woman if the higher earner just wants to go somewhere on a whim, but there’s an added layer of complexity with the cultural narrative of it being a woman who has more money.So we should just acknowledge that.That’s a new thing, and we should acknowledge that, that’s tricky for anyone. With that said, if you have the financial wherewithal, and you’re comfortable paying for your partner, that person’s your partner. I think that’s perfectly reasonable. I do love what you just offhandedly said. You said, “Should they not make a big deal out of it?” So much of making finances work is actually not making a big deal of it. Notice I’m not coming to you… ‘Ah… Excuse me, I have this question that makes me really nervous,and I’ve been agonizing over it… ‘ Of course that person’s gonna detect your energy, and they’re gonna get defensive, but if you say, ‘You know what? I’ve been thinking. I really loved how we spent time together two months ago in Italy, and I would love to take a trip to Thailand this December, and I was thinking that I would make it a treat, and we would have a great time. What do you think about that?’

Matthew: Yeah, I think that’s interesting, because there’s… I also think as much as people can come with a timidity about that kind of thing, they can also come with a…Their… From either man or woman…When someone earns more money it’s very easy to it’s very easy to inadvertently bully someone with that.

Ramit Sethi: Like what would they do? What’s an example?

Matthew: I feel like there are times when instead of making little of it, and being like, ‘Don’t worry about it. I just think it would be fun for us to go. ‘ There’s the sense of people almost putting it in someone’s face. ‘I’m doing this for you. ‘

Ramit Sethi: Ah, yeah that’s toxic.

Matthew: ‘I’m doing this for you. ‘ Or even bringing it up at a later date.You know… ‘I’m the one who paid for that trip. ‘ ‘I’m the one who… ‘ It’s very easy when someone has means to kind of psychologically or emotionally bully someone psychologically or emotionally bully someone about that to make them feel less than, because you’re doing it for them.

Ramit Sethi: You have to acknowledge these dynamics.You have to be thinking about this, and that’s just the cost of your success. The cost of your success means you now have to think about things that you didn’t used to have to think about.

Matthew: That was great man.

Ramit Sethi: I loved it.

Matthew: I enjoyed that.

Ramit Sethi: Thanks for having me. That was awesome.

Matthew:I think that was super useful. I’m excited to see what you think. Why don’t you leave us a comment… Let us know what’s the one piece of advice from everything we just talked about that you feel is most useful, and relevant to you right now. Leave us a comment, and go check out Ramit’s site as well. He is at, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, and what’s your Instagram?

Ramit Sethi: Ramit, @Ramit

We’ll see you soon.

Thanks guys.

9 Texts No Man Can Resist

90 Responses to Love & Money: 5 Awkward Questions Answered (feat. Ramit Sethi)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

  1. Loveth says:

    I love everything am learning here, tanx Matt

  2. Wilma Espinoza says:

    I love the comment of paying for dinner on the third or fourth date. Thank u!

  3. melisa says:

    i not hev tecst. you duit wat you want of wat you fill o bat mi

  4. Nan says:

    Great advice on paying for dates. The trip comments were awesome. If a man invites you on a trip, he should pay, if you invite him, you should pay? If you plan the trip together, share the costs? I’m old school and was married for a long time and married young. The money questions are huge. I don’t want the man to feel I’m taking advantage of him and the other way around.

  5. melisa says:

    i love this converzeishen bat no so mach many to liv bi for end after heply end lovly bitvins 2 very curioz peapel.lov you melisa.you ken duit wat you want wyt self bat not end to mi .end not ferget i em not engry .bay beyby.

  6. Laurie says:

    What a great and necessary topic to address! Thank you, Matt for this episode. A lot of women posed great questions as well! The biggest thing I took away was Rami’s statement that love is important, however it is only one factor in a relationship. In my naivete of younger years, I thought love was enough, but there are so many other equally important factors such as one’s attitude about money and the lifestyle you want to live with your partner. All the ingredients need to match up for a successful romantic partnership. Brilliant topic. Please do more like these. Thanks, Matt!

  7. Nozipho Margaret Dliwayo says:

    thanks for the advice Matt……this is always a sensitive subject in relationships………am sure this info will come in handy

  8. Katarina says:

    Please do more videos on this topic. There is so much more questions opening to this topic. I think the last one was the most interesting topic for me as i was earning more that my ex male partner and was paying the most expensive costs and eventually started to throw it into his face because i felt used…he had his whole salary for his own expenses and fun like cigarettes, drinking and expenses for gasoline, phone….all the rest was on me which made me so much stress to made it thru the month until next paycheck. I sometimes even had to put my needs aside to have all the bills and neccessary things payed. I broke up with him because this was not acceptable for me. Any advice how to make and when to make such converstions with new partner who pays what???

  9. Melly says:

    really good, thank you so much.
    I am earning more money than my boyfriend and yes I find it difficult to say to him that certain things aren’t that expensive to me as they are to him… cos as Matthew said, I don’t want to bully him with that.
    But thanks for this useful video!

  10. Jeneane says:

    Great tips guys but WHAT IF you have a guy who is experiencing some financial difficulty and can not or will not allow the female (me) to pay, pick up tab, contribute, etc? But instead ends the relationship because he feels it’s not fair for me. Tips on that??

  11. sharon phipps says:

    well I think a woman is setting herself up if she starts paying for big things because the guys nowadays take advantage of us women that are financially stable and don’t need a man for support. I have made that mistake 3 times in 3 relationships… 30 yrs of my life… I ended up paying for everything and the guys stop working for years and years until I finally got used up…I will never do that one again.I would rather take a girlfriend than take a man on something expensive… guys are different now than when my dad was young… Those were the real men…

  12. Desiree says:

    The most imp’t piece of advice i learnt was to not slam him in the face with the time that you spent a good amount for him.
    Thank you, Sirs

  13. Ekaterina says:

    Thank you Matt and Ramit for this video. Matt, money has always been amongst the most ugly minefields in my entire dating experience. This includes men who assume they will be earners and therefore head of the household, men who assert they should “help” me by controlling my finances as well as decide whether or not I work if we have kids, men who make hurtful comments that despite my degrees and scholarships and awards I must be less intelligent because I’m a below female average earner… in short, many past dates have been the sort of blokes who I’ve had to let fown gently during the first course of the first date because dammit I’d rather be at home mopping the floors than wasting a Friday evening with another guy who frames his wealth and his “rights” around his invariably larger earning capacity. I want a partnership that acknowledges the lack of equity and the situation from which this arises, not a dictatorship run by a guy who thinks he knows best and can buy literally you. My current situation is I have a small student debt which is manageable, I have lived independently in gorgeous rented accommodation for 5 years, and a serious and ongoing medical condition has 1) wiped out most my savings in hospital bills, equipment and lifestyle interventions and 2) I am no-longer able to work full time. That’s tough, working reduced hours in even lower-paid work when I’ve always had side hustles, solid savings, and I value my (now threatened) independence. My boyfriend of 8 months is supportive, but owns his place and earns a lot more than me. More than I am likely to earn now. Even though I’m now partly-supported by a pension, he wants us to go on holidays but doesn’t realise that I want this as much as him but need to plan for these expenses a good year in advance if it’s going to happen and I’m going to pay my way – both in terms of my health and my budget. I’m his first gf and worried he is going to think I’m there for his money, and not for the gorgeous, fun, gentle and compassionate guy he is. He is caring, thoughtful, goes the extra mile to support my physical and psychological recovery, he really encourages my optimism but isn’t blind to many realities of my health challenges, he is respectful to elderly members of my family, he puts in effort whenever he takes a turn to cook, he makes the most thoughtful gifts for birthday and Christmas and I am so happy to have him in my life. I had always hoped and expected at this point in my life I would be set up to be in an equal partnership – financially too – and that I’d be stable enough to support my life partner financially if (heaven forbid!) anything should befall him, but I simply don’t have that to offer – that alone is a huge blow for me to come to terms with while I struggle to recover my health and make ends meet just for myself. I also don’t want his family (all lovely people) worrying that I might be in it for financial support, or to leave with a share of his house, as there have been a number of his family members who have been taken advantage of in the past. We speak often about moving in together but no solid plan yet – besides me stating I want to try to get a close to full time work as possible before we move in together. I’ve always been independent and in my own accommodation since I left home. I would love to have some pointers on how to make these conversations honest, loving, and simple – as well as some suggestions about how couples moving in for the first time can protect themselves financially and know that their beloved isn’t in it for money. For example I suggested maybe when the time comes he could rent out his house for solid money while we rent out someplace smaller and cheaper – that way I would not have any legal claim to his house if heaven forbid our relationship breaks down after 12 months so nobody could worry that his hard-earned assets are in jeopardy or make snide comments about my intentions (they hurt), we could both have more saving capacity for travel or buying a more suitable house together one day, we would have an little less house work to negotiate while we both learn to live with a lover for the first time, and we could find somewhere closer to where we are both working to shorten our hectic commutes. Practical advice for women with tattered savings, lower earning potential, and severe health challenges who just wants to build the best life they can with their love, including from a financial point of view, would be so well appreciated. Bank account advice, budgeting, apps that ensure both partners pay equitable shares of the bill, explaining to your SO that you’d love to join him in doing some more expensive things but can not afford to fork out to pay your share and don’t want him to feel obliged to treat you… please help?!

  14. Lynne says:

    My other half is generous to a fault and works seven days and three evenings a week to save for a house. He insists it’s his job to provide,but I’ve done exactly what you’ve said. I say “This one’s on me or my turn I think or my treat .” I know he appreciates that I make an offer. I don’t always win! He’s always wanting to buy me things when we go shopping and I regularly say no thank you. I periodically tell him “I’ll take/accept because I want NOT because I can.” He now sees that I won’t bleed him dry for the sake of it. Greed and exploitation of a nice guy,any guy are not my thing.

  15. Helena O Carroll says:

    Thank you, loved this advice. What stood out for me was your view on the I did this for you, I feel alit of people, girls in particular if they are seeing a guy and he offers to pay for something that it’s almost expected, something in return, ( I did this for you,..remember), I guess I didn’t realize until now this could be toxic

  16. Katherine says:

    Be proactive and communicate your plan. We were all equal and from a women’s perspective take your soverinity back, take care of yourself first.

  17. Camille Schoop says:

    I really liked the skit and I wanted to participate with the conversation. Ramit I found myself wanting to hear what you say.
    Thank you both for this piece of information. I found it useful.

  18. Kala says:

    Regarding the “Love is enough” statement, and the two roads discussed: Either change your vision of your life or perhaps the partner is no the right one. Perhaps there is a third option? Perhaps the third option could be to discuss together a path to increased financial security for both partners to attain. If the lower income partner has no interest in challenging themselves to increase earning potential then that right there is the sign that the effort involved in owning a home for example, may never be there. Or may never be there with you. That should give the woman a better indication of a more realistic view.

  19. Sally says:

    My boyfriend earns probably 3 times as much as me.But he is shall I say “careful” with his money, if you know what I mean. He thinks nothing of buying himself a thousand dollar coat, but when my shoes were literary falling off my feet (seriously) we were in a very expensive shoe store and I said I could not afford those pricey shoes, any of them. I think he should have offered to buy me a pair. He did not. I would have done it for him in a hot second and not think twice about it, if the “shoe” was on the other foot. Pun intended. My question is. Should I have spoken up or just keep my mouth shut. Sally

  20. Tammy Holtzclaw says:

    How do you handle a situation when your new partner plans a vacation then after the vacation says you have to pony up the money for it because they can’t pay any of the tab but neglected to tell you before making the plans or even coming forward to own up to finances?

    In other words they blind side you!

  21. EJ says:

    What stood out the most for me was the toxic way a partner can use money in a relationship.

  22. Joy says:

    Thank you Ramit and Hussey for having this interview, I learnt a great deal.

    The advice I found most relevant to me is that of sharing payments during dates and my partner of me offering to pay at subsequent dates…haha

  23. Maruska says:

    Gotta be careful ladies….even if you share a joint account and keep a separate account for “independent savings”….once you marry, if it doesn’t work out –divorce is expensive–he will come after that money too…law states….whatever you saved since you were married is now HALF his! Love hurts

  24. CynBear says:

    Thank you Matt for this video on finances in relationships. I also think credit reports should be on the table once you’ve been dating a while. Six months is a significant amount of time & emotional investment but that’s a crucial point where I think you should both be transparent about this. What are your debts? What’s the financial plan? Recently I was in a 3 year relationship w/ a man who wouldn’t fully disclose all of his debts. When he didn’t pay his yearly HOA fees of $200 (miniscule amount) on his rental property, I should have pressed the issue. I asked a couple times and he said he had a disagreement with it and he needed to handle it. So I trusted my man to handle it. Later I found out that was the tip of the iceberg. And I was living w/ this man by that point… I could kick myself for not requiring financial affidavits before we moved in together. Fortunately I protected my credit and assets. I didn’t go in w/ him on any loans etc. I did know his credit score was low but he made excuses that it was because of his divorce a couple years back and he’s working on fixing that. Again, ask to see a financial affidavit and credit report!!! Beware!!!

    Fast forward to this fall, I met a great guy, and he insists on paying for dinners. He’s an absolute gentleman in all respects. He seems to have his financial affairs in order. Still, I wonder if he’s hiding anything financially. How do I get to the nitty gritty without being too pushy or nosy or come across too aggressive? I want to find out before my heart is in too deep which it may already be. He said he paid cash for his very nice used car. He has a credit card to use for holidays but pays off afterward. Luckily we both agree it’s best to take a few years before we put marriage on the table and no cohabitation. We have very real and honest conversations but I don’t know how to get full disclosure or when it’s appropriate to ask for it.

  25. Lynn says:

    I think the most useful comment for m is the last one where you said how they psychologically or emotionally use it against you when they wanted to pay for your trip or something to make you less than.. more often than not, I received this making me feel less power in a relationship making you feel shitty like you didn’t appreciate what they have done for you.. and as Ramirez day, it is toxic. Thank you for all the advise guys.. this is so useful and so awakening!

  26. Laven Ramchandani says:

    I thought of how if the lady makes more than the guy. I feel perhaps we can look at contributing to expenses as percentage to income instead of dollar value. Say the lady makes 200k a year where the male makes 100k. The percentage of a vacation spending should based on each of their income. Say 5% for the lady as well as 5% of the gent. They lady contributes more but both comfortable with their own respects.

    It can get even more complicated with debt and so the plans for expenses further changes but that’s where the pie chart of each others financial needs to be understood and agreed. Say male had debt and needs to pay off more so his expenses percentage is less. The lady would help with that as well and both can compromise with how much to spend on what. All based on their percentage relative to their incomes.

  27. Jasmine says:

    Totally agree with what your saying, just wish I could meet someone like yourselves Keep the good work going guys x

    Just don’t make a big deal about it, (money)… the minuet you do it just all goes tits up, then nobody ends up going on the trip. I was bullied with money in a relationship and it’s the most degrading feeling one can feel.
    J

  28. Lou says:

    What about stingy men? I am in a long distance relationship and recognize that it costs him time and money to get to my place. In turn I have been happy to have nice meals and food available when he arrives. But somehow it is beginning to feel one-sided. We do out for meals less frequently, and he does treat but always it is just a pizza. It feels a bit stingy

  29. Lucy says:

    Currently living this situation at home! My new ( just got married, thanks to the MH retreat) husband had to change his job and I am now earning more than he is.

    This video was absolutely useful. I would love to learn more about how to not make him feel uncomfortable and emasculated. He always says that he’s frustrated for not being able to give me the life I deserve. Truth is, I don’t need much. Not a high-maintenance woman. I am happy with Netflix binge nights ft. oreos and a glass of milk.

  30. FELISTUS says:

    Ver Good advise. I look back when I dated a man who was offering to do almost everything for me. I was new in dating – he was my first love if I may say, very young just after high school, he was in campus. I was very uncomfortable whenever he did the things, but after a while he would get comfortable. he would accept the little things I would offer to do financially coz was working at a factory – but he would always tell me he will not need it/ we will not need it because he will provide in the family – that we were to have. 3 yrs down we broke up n I was left feeling like a cripple-I can only say thank God I had continued to pursue the carrier I had been offered in campus, I don’t know what would have happened after our break up, if I had let myself to be carried by him through his provision: I would have started dating a married guy who would be able to provide for me (it happened a lot in campus)- not withstanding the consequences.
    For many years I gazed back and called him a dream I will never have, but thinking about the fact that he could have been sent so would make it easy for me to turn to married men for provision on sexual favors (they even have nick names here) then it was good I did not get carried away. In this context of money.
    Thanks Matthew.

  31. Uller says:

    Wow. I’ve been following both Matthew and Ramit for years and now they are in the same video. What a great surprise (and advice).

  32. Melyssa says:

    I agree that being transparent when it comes to finances is important. I also agree with you need to have these conversations to ensure going forward ( one who hope) your in the same page.

    I also believe this goes beyond love ,etc. I think that it comes down to values.

    Thank you .

  33. Hannah says:

    One thing that stuck with me about finance is the situation where you go to the movies. And so you say I’ll pay for the tickets if you get the popcorn! Fun, light, easy. Splits it up, without making a huge deal. Or just each paying for their own.
    Personally, I have MORE trouble being OK with a guy paying for me. I think it makes me feel more indebted in a way. Any tricks to overcome that?

  34. Mallory says:

    Wow,I never really thought that I was being bullied by my ex, but I see more clearly now. He would plan “surprise” trips which I explained that I couldn’t afford. He would say, “it’s ok” but later he’d repeatedly throw it in my face and even ask when I was going to pay my half of the trip! A real a*hole! I’m glad I broke up with him! I’d rather be single than date someone like that!
    Thanks for your insight!

  35. Luky says:

    I loved them all, and I’d love seeing more vids on this topic, Matthew!
    Thanks

  36. Leader Valerie says:

    All the information was useful. As always you helped me see an area where I have been challenged and wanted to understand a man’s perspective on money. Thank you both for these insights.

  37. Chicklet says:

    I found the piece on who pays for a date the most helpful. The combination of both your input provided a good picture. It’s such a delicate dance. The rest of the answers helped to further understand the nuances.

  38. Penny says:

    I like that one is in dept on the other isn’t. To have a plan to present to the other on the wow to get out of it was great. That was extremely helpful. I’ve been sweating about in my own situation. The person I’m interested in is a multi millionaire and I didn’t want to come across that I was only interested is his money it’s totally from that. Because he hates dept period. Thanks for that advice.

  39. Bee says:

    One last thing, then I’m going to stop talking ( I promise :P )

    Can we also please stop assuming that to all of us “relationship” means the linear progression from dating to cohabitation to marriage? That model is fine for those interested in it, but there are just as many of us for whom “relationship” might mean the L.A.T. ( Living Apart Together, ie. seeing one another regularly, but each living in their own space…which is what I would like). Some people might be into the Open Relationship thing…who knows? I’m not saying that in such cases money issues will never crop up, ( unfortunately there’s NO way of avoiding The Money Thing in ANY aspect of life :/ we humans have made sure EVERYTHING is way more complicated than nature ever intended..) but they will certainly differ, and perhaps won’t be as extreme as the issues that a married and/or living together couple will face.

    Goodbye now ( for real ;) )

    P.S. Matthew, I still think you’re great. No offence is intended, as I’m certain none was/ ever is from your end. I guess I would just like to see a bit more awareness of socio-economic diversity…. not just in your content, but in this world in general. Thankyou.

  40. Kat says:

    Hum things have changed …. now guys expect you to pay for a date … hope he likes white castle if I’m paying .lol

  41. Bee says:

    A quick heads-up to admin: reply function is not working!

    I see there are a quite a few other single mums voicing similar frustrations to me. I’m trying to reply to them, but it’s just not happening.

    One more point I’d like to add, which a few others have mentioned:

    Do you realise at all, guys, just how difficult it is to save ANYTHING when you’re a single parent??? School fees, excursions, constantly buying clothes and shoes for their constantly growing bodies ( you can forget ever being able to buy yourself something nice!), utility bills, rent (which goes up at the landlord’s whim, even though they never fix or update anything) often coinciding with bills- leaving you totally skint) THEN on top of that, you need to somehow pull extra money out of your arse for all the medical bills and medications you happen to be on…….Jeez! Then there’s birthdays and christmas, and oh- now your kid wants to go to their friend’s birthday party, so you need to buy someone ELSE’S kid a present. Now it’s my niece’s birthday. Now there’s a school camp. Jeez! You can forget being able to go visit family; you can forget going out to dinner or a cafe once in a while- feck; you’re lucky to be able to buyyourself a new pair of socks let alone stash a few dollars away here and there for a rainy day.

    C’mon, guys. Not all of us are rich, childless entrepreneurs! Some of us are struggling, due to no fault of our own. Indeed, the fact I am as good with money as I am is the reason my kid and I are still alive and with a roof over our heads. I’m SICK of being overlooked; looked down upon, and having shallow and unfair assumptions made about me due to my financial situation. So over it.

  42. Nikki says:

    Yes i loved the last question about in my case a man financially doing things for me then emotionally bullying me. I didn’t ask for money but he went and done it anyway now the relationship has ended and wants the money back…..should I pay him back even though I didn’t ask for it?

  43. Bee says:

    What about those of us who are broke as fuck due to serious health issues ( that we’re working on; have a plan in place for- because NOBODY wants to be in this situation forever!)?

    I feel that those of us in this sort of situation are always overlooked. Do we not deserve human connection and affection because of our (unavoidable, unchosen) financial circumstances?

    I resent- or rather, loathe- the fact that my financial situation is only going to be interpreted as irresponsibility.I hate that men will automatically assume that I expect them to “save” me, or to prop me up financially. I am in my 40’s now, and not even interested in marriage OR cohabitation. Partly due to my having a child ( who is, I might add, healthy and alive, thanks to my love, care, and ability to be VERY careful with the small amount of money I do have) whom I do not want to make uncomfortable, but partly because I do not need the guilt trip. I ALWAYS offer to pay my share on dates/ outings, and I have NEVER even asked- let alone expected or demanded- to be propped up financially ( or otherwise) by a man. When I get back to proper work, I’ll feel slightly less anxious about all this, but I still won’t be earning shitloads.

    I would love it if people didn’t automatically make the assumption that if you’re not wealthy you must be either a) terrible with money, b) lazy or c)a gold-digger out for anything they can get. ( and let me tell you, men who brag about how much money they make/have straight off the bat is the BIGGEST turn off ever, as it implies that they DO assume you to be a gold-digging bitch, and/or they have little else to offer as human beings but their cash. YUCK.)

    Pardon the rant, but it needed to be mentioned. Because whilst I’m sure there ARE plenty of people out there who are irresponsible and shit with money,let’s not kid ourselves that the only people who fit this bill are the ones who aren’t rich.

  44. Estrella Arojado says:

    How can i save the money i have 2 kids suport im single parent my salary very low sometimes my salary not enough for foods…yes im honest looking mr right can help my setuation..please i need help.

  45. Ukeme says:

    The Advice that touched me the most is the bullying part. I know of a guy who bullies his wife in that aspect; always telling her that he paid her tuition for Med school even though it was actually her Mom who did.
    I think the solution to this problem is to REALLY THINK before talking. Or acting. And also to figuratively put one’s self in that person’s ‘shoes’.
    We should be like, “If this was ME in this situation, would I want someone, especially a spouse, to be haughty about this? To REALLY rub it in my face?
    Thanks, Matthew. This video is indelible in my heart. Make more like this, please!

  46. KBailey says:

    So what more can a single mom do to prove she is not out to use a man for his money?

  47. Rose Ducusin says:

    Hi Matthew Hussey I like your video for presentation to love money but for me u didn’t love to money I moderate my money for me I realized I don’t get guy for me coz one time in my life I broke my love life so for me it is enough to another change to love

  48. raya says:

    Thank you for raising such an important and daily topic. I learned that I was not paying my share when going out on dates, this must have pissed off a few men I dated before, now I insist on paying every once in a while and show my partner that I value their contribution. We are all working hard to make a living and a good partnership starts with that awareness.

    Thank you

  49. Claire says:

    This piece was so good! I totally agree with ALL of it! Matt, you’ve done it again- thank you … this advice is ‘priceless’.

  50. Kathleen says:

    Basically what you’re saying is to run your life and your relationship like a business. And I agree. It’s a far healthier way to live. As far as travel goes I believe that it is just geography. As long as you’re together it really doesn’t matter what’s around you. Where it comes to money and one partner having more or being able to provide more than the other … in a healthy committed relationship it should not matter who pays. You care about each other. It works itself out in different just as valuable ways.

  51. Lee says:

    Interesting, I am a female that has a higher salary than my partner. However I always allow him to be a man first. He’s not comfortable with me paying for things and he always opens the car door for me (which I appreciate). He’s a true gentleman and in return I do things to surprise him. I have thought about taking him on a trip. This is something I know we wil have to discuss first. I would like him to be accepting of this but I am aware it may backfire. I also don’t flaunt my finances in his face. He’s known me for awhile and knows what it took for me to get where I am. He keeps me grounded and accepts that I am still me.

    Lee

  52. Natalie Sopic says:

    Loved the notion that women should offer, men should pay :) I do think it is important for a woman to at least offer to share the bill / pay.

  53. Linda O says:

    I’ve never offered to pay on a first date, and when I have on subsequent dates it’s been awkward. Good to know that making the attempt is worth it. Thanks guys :)

  54. Helda Villa says:

    Love love this video. As I have always thought that a women paying for a date should be viewed as acceptable and i have done it in the past. The conversation regarding a women making more money and paying for a trip interested me the most. Question regarding that is at what point in the relationship is that ok?

  55. Rhonda Spor says:

    I like the part where you say offer to chip in for the dinner, or that you’ve got it(meaning the whole bill). I can connect with the part about, you don’t want the other person to feel like they are being taken advantage of.

  56. Miriam Mallinder says:

    Refreshing change of topic Matt, thank you. As a well educated professional woman who can earn decent money at times the first segment about a difference in income was the most relevant to me. However I enjoyed all of it.

    I am now approaching 60 years of age, have been pretty much single all of that time … partly due to thinking like Ramit (what is the lifestyle I want and how do I want to provide for children?) … and partly due to making the wrong decision in my late 40’s to live with a guy who was not a big earner because by then it didn’t matter so much. Or so I thought. Resentment did creep in, to be fair though, that was more about the relationship feeling one-sided than about the money aspect. One has to mind the other factors too!

    Currently considering a situation with another ‘poor’ bloke … but we are being totally up front about finances, and what each of us wants from the relationship at our ages and life stages. But I might have the choice between moving to his nearby town and a job which pays quite a bit less, yet being with him, or a job which will solve all of my financial holes within 5 years by staying here.

    Indeed, the question truly is “love or money?” There is an existential component to this as well!

  57. Kira says:

    Firstly, I really enjoyed this video. Matt, I love how you seem to be branching out to other topics that are related to love & dating but that really focus on the individual’s own well being… because without that, I don’t believe anyone can really be successful in a partnership! (Pardon me for being extremely frank here, but) at first I thought your advice was a bit cheesy, mostly talking about “texting scripts” & what to do /say to get attention or a 2nd date, but your teachings have really evolved (& so has your hairstyle ;-)), & I absolutely love what you’re doing now!This video with Ramit was great, & I, like many others, would love to see/read something more in depth regarding this all-too-important subject. I think the part that most resonated with me was the general fact that you should talk about this fairly early on in the dating phase & also having 3 bank accounts when the relationship reaches true partnership stage. If/When I can afford it, I can’t wait to attend one of your in- person retreats! :-)

  58. ROSA says:

    Last year I met a wonderful man and started a nice relationship with I thought will have a promising future. We were thinking about marriage. The problem was every time that I proposed to travel, which is something I love to do, was always a problem with him. My last proposal was at the end of the year in order to take advantage of our mutual holidays. Briefly after my proposal of 3 different things to do, he broke up with me saying it’s just a matter of money. He was not use to travel so often and I guess he could spend some money traveling but didn’t want to do it just to be cautious or maybe he had no savings at all to do that. After the break up he didn’t want to reinstate our relationship just because he was thinking about money and my expectations. The thing is that we could be a real couple. Until today I don’t understand his reaction and I would like to know what I should have done to fix it.

  59. Heidi Ritz says:

    Thank you for addressing this and in such a great way! I make substantially more than my boyfriend and more than most of the guys I have dated. Some always expect me to pay and never offer, and some have felt embarrassed that I am paying. I try to not make a big deal if I pay but it seems to be a struggle for many guys. I appreciate the insight and would love more videos like this. Bring back Ramit! He is a great speaker and very insightful. And I always love listening to Matthew’s great information.

  60. Desiree says:

    Ramit’s last comment about the cost of success resonated most with me.

  61. Connie says:

    One of my favorite videos!! Loved the discussion about debt and how to convey confidence through taking action yourself.

  62. Andrea Cooper says:

    I had a boyfriend, no longer, who did the spontaneous trip thing; “Hey, let’s go to Cancun, I’ll pay for your plane ticket!” Well, of course, I couldn’t afford the rest of it on my own, so I declined. He went and when he came back dumped me for someone he spent time with on this trip. I thought it was rather cheap of him to just offer to pay for the plane fare and not the entire week. Anyway, whatever…I hate men.

  63. Caroline M. says:

    I freaking loved this video! Very original. Please make this a much longer segment! I’d love to know more about when you should start discussing finances in a relationship. Being proactive about communicating your in debt was a great tip, but what if you’re on the receiving end of that conversation? How do you respond to finding out that your potential partner is in debt?

  64. Sarah says:

    I love the part about considering finance as part of a relationship not just love. I think it can get very tricky culturally. And I think in the last part of the video when you were talking about one partner earning more than the other one. In Northern Europe people tend to go 50/50 and I see a lot of people struggling with that because usually the partner earning more will not cover more costs when on an expensive getaway for instance. People tend to be very rigid on that. What would be your advice on that?

  65. M says:

    Great video I’d love to see you and Ramit team up for more joint videos!

  66. Emily Aring says:

    I really liked the point about getting straight with yourself about your debts, and getting your energy cleaned up around that so that you’re not bringing an avoidant mindset to the partnership around money.

  67. Terrisa says:

    I loved the part that if your parterner has debt or hates their job that they should talk proactively about having a plan not just complaining. Also I find myself in that exact situation where I have money and want to go on vacation and he doesn’t. I worry about not making him feel inferior about it, but that we are a couple. I just want him to enjoy time with me..like you said…my treat.

  68. Kathy says:

    I was recently dating this guy….super polite, lots of friends, a good job. But he always ran out of money towards the end of the month. Had no savings. And was behind on his child support. I brought up the topic one day and he got defensive and broke up with me. Fast forward two months later I run into him skiing, we have a couple drinks and he confesses to me that he gambles. Ah ha! Note, he didn’t say he had a gambling problem that he was working on. He just admitted that he gambles. Don’t hitch your wagon to a lame horse!

  69. Gwen says:

    I loved the point that said have 3 banking accounts. Genius!

  70. staceys says:

    THANK YOU! Money is an awkward subject for me. I’m an artist and in a bit of debt and working souless jobs to pay it off. I have been coming into my dates with the “are you the one who can take care of me?” energy. I hate that. My ex husband and I divorced over money. It was everything you mentioned: resentment, shame, bullying. And it went both ways as our finances flipped flopped. Some months he made more, others I made more. And he never wanted to combine our accounts for anything. Separate accounts the entire six years. It killed us. I want to take responsibility for myself and have this conversation with my next fella’.

  71. Myers Caris says:

    I totally subscribe to the fact that partners should have a joint account where the can do stuffs together and also have individual accounts to be able to do things independently.you guys nailed it Mathew! thank you.

  72. Lindsay Erickson says:

    Thank you so much for this video, there wasn’t just one piece of advice, each answer was something ive always wondered how to handle… as a successful doctor I make more money than any guy ive ever dated. I always offer but was always scared when i did it that i was offending the guy, so to know that it can be appreciated was great!

  73. Julie Gaudette says:

    A few years back a gentleman I was talking to ask me about money. He was a little to direct about it. Because he had a really good income he asked me about it. My answer to his question was I earn a decent living. I’m happy with what I make but I’m on a budget and I’m not looking for someone to support me financially. I do fine on my own. It was a turn off accually because alot of woman do fine on there own. I’m a believer that you can have a really good income but still be horrible with money. Don’t assume because you make more your better with money. You just have to be smart with it.

  74. Megan G says:

    Know your plan and communicate it confidently! I have some debt between student loans and credit cards and I feel awkward talking about it (I’d skirt around the issue, really) but now I can better navigate the conversation. Thanks Matt and Ramit!!

  75. Olivia says:

    Being aware of how one person can bully another with an advantage they have. Partnerships should not have any of that. Great thing to pay attention to in myself and in potential relationships!

  76. Alka Yadav says:

    Money can spoil or make or revive relations..I found the discussion worth in accordance to present times when human values are to be reviewed by different angles for the healthy survival of all relations..we live money whereas money alone cannot cater us with moods to live life..To conclude I wud say that yet lot many lessons are to be taught by life to handle financial n emotional imbalance…Really loved the discussion for it’s dynamic approach..!!

  77. Marie Stephenson says:

    I agree wholeheartedly with each of your answers to those 5 Awkward Questions…11 Responses to Love & Money. Love this video! Great job to you both!

  78. Tezira Apio says:

    Thanks a lot for this topic of money in relationship,I think lover’s can always sit and share about this and opening up to each other about money matters because they kill relationship

  79. Dawn Grimshaw says:

    This was an awesome post and long overdue. Thank you

  80. Cheryl says:

    As a newly divorced woman in my 50’s, I liked the word vision. What’s my vision for the future financially and how a partnership is on the same page. Not making a big deal about financial differences. Thank you. Great video

  81. Charlotte says:

    Hi. Sorry for my english. I’m french. Either change the vision, or change the person ? What a strange statement for two guys who are supposedly working at showing that everyone can become empowered !
    Especially Ramit.. Teaching people how to become rich.. Do you think about who you’re talking to ? Do you realise how insulting it is for people with money issues, actually probably most of your audience, or revenue issues which can also be combined with serious health issues ?
    Thank you Matthew for being more subtle than he is – as always you’re being subtle and that’s why I like to listen to you – after just having summed up your interlocutor’s words.
    By the way, you don’t raise kids with money and activities ! You raise them with love, limits, kindness, respect, and encouragements. That’s only my point of view. My grown-up son is perfectly fine and independent eventhough I’ve been struggling with my health and my wealth for decades. You can’t buy being the parent you want to be ! And you can work on it without money.
    Merci de me donner l’occasion de m’exprimer là-dessus

  82. Mwaka says:

    Love of money is very important in life can’t do without money

  83. Mary E Furey says:

    I agree that partners should be able to talk openly about money.As my Dad used to say, “love won’t pay for the groceries”.

  84. Beth-Ann says:

    Thank you for addressing how to handle the dept issue. Conveying the plan confidently is key advice.

  85. Geraldine Shaw says:

    Thank You for the advice, I was unknowingly do it and I have a great relationship where we are a open book and we know everything about each other even though we are in a long distance relationship

    Thank you for all the great advice Matthew

  86. Shannon Perry Taylor says:

    I have used that same theory on offering to pay for the date since my divorce 6 years ago. I have paid for more than one date, but I also knew as I was signing the check, that was out last date! I have split a few checks as well, which is okay, but also telling. Now that I’m in a serious relationship, I will pick up the check from time to time. We are both adults with full time jobs. We can both afford our lifestyle, and I don’t think he should pay for everything we do together just because we are dating. He seems to love that, and it’s working out just beautifully!

  87. Brianna says:

    That should read ‘inequality’, not ‘inequities’ – I need to switch off auto-correct ‍♀️

  88. Brianna says:

    The question regarding inequities between the financial situations of each partner is most relevant to me. I am currently working full time and studying towards a career where my earning potential is likely to increase exponentially after few years. So, I will experience both ends of the scale here – now I will likely earn less than a partner whereas later I may earn more than a partner. Either way, I agree it is important for both partners to be cognisant of how their financial status can affect the dynamics in a relationship, and how you each behave can make it a big issue, or not.

  89. Corrina says:

    Not making it a big deal and saying something like “it’s my treat!” is great advice, especially when you’re first getting to know someone and you don’t know exactly how much the other is earning, but have a rough idea. This works for friends too – the amount of times I’ve had to to say no to going out, all because the person didn’t word it in the right way, like they’d say – “you can get it next time!” – well, no, because if I can’t afford it now, I don’t want to be in debt to you as well as myself in the future! A treat should be a treat plain and simple xD great stuff guys!

  90. Julie says:

    Great advice…Love is NOT enough! ;)

Read previous post:
Why Losing Respect Kills Relationships

Stephen Hussey Do you know any couples who appear to be just coasting in their relationship? Or, more alarmingly, a...

Close