It’s so easy to ignore all the warning signs from men.
You like him. He has a good career. You have amazing sexual chemistry. But there are things that you know make him wrong for a relationship:
- His wandering eye…
- His emotional withdrawal…
- His selfish, narcissistic behavior…
If you’ve ever been tempted to stay with a guy despite everything your gut tells you, please watch this video now, before you do anything else today.
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We should call it the “someday challenge”, because what we’re really doing is waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting…for someday…and all they do is promise “someday”. Before you know it, 3 years have passed that we never get back.
Love the satire-brilliant!
Thank you so much to make this crystal clear. You definitely have a gift of grabbing the right concepts out of real life and put it in plain and funny words.
You are all so comical, I love it! If only more men knew how important a trait like being able to make a girl laugh, really is.
I think this particular subject deserves more time. I think some of us get stuck wanting to be the girl who inspired them to ‘change’, and we can oftentimes tie our value and worth to whether we can achieve that and get them to commit.
In your email, you mentioned emotional withdrawal, but didn’t go into much detail on this particular trait in your video. I know I’ve been prone to tricking myself into thinking it’s because he’d been hurt, or because he’s guarded – when it is nearly always a reflection of their incapability to really open up emotionally and connect on a deeper level.
And at the time, we think we’re okay with it, he’ll come around…exactly the ‘one-day wager’ mentality. What I’ve come to realize myself is that, by remaining in a relationship like this – it very subtly, almost imperceptibly, erodes your self-esteem. And before you know it, you’re someone else. Someone who would never have allowed herself to be treated so nonchalantly.
So while it may seem fine, maybe you’ll break through that wall “one day”, or maybe one day he’ll just decide to stay…
One day you’ll wake up wanting more from him. That same imperceptible niggling will grow and you’ll realize just how long you have not had your emotional needs met. And years have passed.
Thanks Matthew – please spend more time on this subject, I think it happens more often than we care to admit.
You miss the fact that sometimes the fantasy from a book isn’t the one we want in real life. All the ‘falling for an assassin’, violent men, etc. It’s an indulgent fantasy which to most women won’t be something they even want in real life. In a book, conflict is exciting, in a book I love the ‘loveable bastard’. In real life I wouldn’t approach him or enjoy his company.
I usually love your videos Matt, but this one really hit on a nerve, because so often women in the romance book community get patronized for what they read. Men get the fantasy of saving the world in Bond movies and no one seems to pop-up telling them, “Wait, actually, don’t get too hyped up, it wouldn’t work for you in real life”.
Matt
Your commitment to your core beliefs is..(thinking about the words because english isn’t my native language…)… inspirational!!
About the Fifty Shades, Anastasia sounds like Anesthesia… the girl needs to put to sleep her own wishes and desires in order to gain some moments of pleasure, isn’t it?
I think I never heard music on other videos… Why did you decide for a background song in this one?
U just made me cry :’) am taking the other path …. I can’t find my heaven when am too busy chasing hell
Hey, you better should stop with that videos, because you make me fall in love with your voice;-)
Greetings Stefanie.
I can’t believe I woke up to this because for the past year I did everything for a guy that I fell in love with not realizing that he’s a sociopath & he’s narcissistic. He lied to me, used me & I was betrayed. After one year of helping this guy, letting him borrow over $6,000 bc his ex girlfriend left him in a financial hole, he pushed me away, he said the most awful things that anyone has ever said to me, he lied to me & I found out from friends that he’s been engaged to this girl for weeks but he didn’t tell me. He lied for more help & more money. Absolutely heartbroken. Just praying that the pain stops soon. Thank you for all of your help & advice
There are many many narcissists out there who are like those dandelions in the garden , they look like flowers but when you get closer, there isn’t a snif of sweet and warm vanilla scent but an odor of dead skunk ! so to all those women out there : Please don’t let your beautiful scented flower that you are neutralize that awful skunk mist.
I understand we woman are born with a nurturing heart, we blindly believe we must make the wrong right by in this case, feeling sorry for him and trying to change him.
How about keeping the pants up until we find true love and then let the kindness of our motherly nature , nurture the real love between two people and not just the man.
Thank you Matthew for sharing your love and wisdom.
Btw Vanilla is far from boring.
Tons of love
Maria
is Matthew actually in a love relationship?
OMG! Wish you have posted this video 28 months ago. Everything you said in this video happened to me.
I met a man and he told me over and over that he was separated and still saying, even when I can see he is back with his ex. He used me emotionally and physically, but he was so clever. He gave lots of his time and went to places with me, but has never commited all the way. Was always with one foot in and another out, and I kept hoping and hoping. After while he starting pushing the boundaries and even suggested we had sex and his friend and his girlfriend watch us. When I got mad about it he said he was doing for me. For me? I have never asked for it. I am not interest in it. He used me as a therapist, as an insite into understand how we women think and how we solve relationship issues. He would talk about senarios with his friend and his wife and asked what I think. Stupid me, would say, well I would do this or that. If I was in his shoes I would do this way. I did not realized it was what was going in his house, with him. After a few months he got his marraige back, as of yesterday still telling he was not back with his ex. I was femoted from girlfriend, to casual to booty call and now to a punching bag. Anytime he gets upset with her, he says something hurtful to me, like two days ago ” I do no love you and I am not in love with you. We are just good friends”. Everytime I say I am walking out, he gives some time together. When he feels I am back in he starts ignoring me again. I am so glad I saw this video this morning so I can take my life back and save my soul while I still can, because I am broke, right now, destryed. This man took everything away from me. My pride, my dignity, my confidence, my self esteem. Everything. I am ashemed of myself. ASHAMED of who I am and who I became in this relationsh–t. Like you said Mathew. He did not give anything I wanted but he took everything he wanted. I am broken in thousands of pieces.
Great message! Love this. XO.
Hello, Matthew, I totally agree with your points on waiting for someone to change for you is a waste of time. I’m not sure why people go into relationships thinking they should change someone else because no one wants to be manipulated thinking that they were liked for who they are just to be changed after a commitment has been made. I really enjoy the work you’re doing on educating others on being true to themselves and others while looking for the love of their life.
It is so true. I recently learned a lesson from recent breakup. People don’t change easily and please don’t waste your precious time waiting for them to change. Better yet, is easiler to take control and move on yourself.
You have this “right on” Matthew. When I watched the first movie, it actually made me feel sick to my stomach. I was in a codependent relationship with a narcissist for 18 years and now when I see these kinds of relationships “in play,” it makes me realize how sick I was for so long. Thank God I got help and can recognize it now. And thank YOU…for bringing this awareness to other people. If I had known sooner what was going on, I wouldn’t have suffered with so much pain for so many years.
You are awesome!!
Great discussion about the fantasy of changing another person versus how hard it is in reality. Thank you for touching on such an important topic Matthew!
The advice was awesome…Love the blooper reel at the end…so funny! LOL! Keep the videos coming Matthew…Love them! I don’t think you are VANILLA….LOL! ;)
Yes, I cried.
I took the other path a year ago, but this video hit me deep.
Thank you.
Oh and regarding vanilla!
Oh Matt, you sound like the king whose daughter said she loved him like salt (he banned her for it, not understanding the magnitude, haha).
Vanilla!
That aroma and smell, so much like a warm hug from a dear friend!
Imagine a world without vanilla!
What a sad place it would be!
This woman was giving you a lovely compliment, Sir.
And, you’re welcome for the translation! :P
So very true! Thank you for reiterating that.