Make yourself comfortable and let’s talk about men.
You know that muscular guy in the gym, who spends so much time lifting weights you don’t know how he manages to hold down a full-time job? Or that guy at the bar with the perfectly quaffed hair, who dresses like a GQ model and constantly has that narrow-eyed James Bond look on his face? Or the guy in the Wall Street business suit, who shouts too loudly on his phone because he thinks he’s a modern-day Gordon Gecko?
Do these guys ever intimidate you? Because they shouldn’t.
Look, I know men can be brash and arrogant. Some men just love the sound of their own voice, or being the loudest, most obnoxious person in the room. But don’t mistake all of this posturing for confidence.
I’ve noticed a recurring mindset from my coaching: Most women completely over-estimate the confidence of men.
All of those guys above have insecurities. And even though some men of course are genuinely confident, and maybe even over-confident, we have to be careful of assuming that all guys have the same high opinion of themselves.
Because truthfully, they don’t.
Ask 95% of men to approach a woman and ask for her phone number, and they’ll sweat nervously at the very suggestion. They’ll wonder “what should I say?” “what if her friends laugh at me?” “what if she tells me to go away?”
These things all run through guys heads. Because we men are desperate to be accepted by you women.
I used to joke on my early seminars that if women ever realised the power they truly have over us men, we would be doomed as a gender. And I still mean it.
Men’s self-esteem is so wrapped up in their ability to attract women it’s crazy. It’s why guys lie and brag to their buddies about how many women they’ve slept with. It’s a way of trying to fit in, to be accepted, to be VALIDATED AS A MAN!
Look, I know men and women aren’t totally different species. We are all insecure at times and we all want to be accepted. But male acceptance is heavily built on being attractive to the opposite sex. This is why rejection for a man is so damn painful. Being shot down by a woman is the one thing that can destroy his masculinity.
So what you’ll often find is those loud guys who try and over-compensate by being cocky or too-cool-for-school, do so so that he can feel superior to women….because he’s scared of their power over him.
Unfortunately there’s a real downside to the way that so many women are completely over-estimating male confidence: it’s killing their chances of meeting great guys!
The problem is, women see the few loudest guys in the room, and they assume that all guys are the same. And then they forget about all those great guys in the background that they could have met.
When women over-estimate male confidence it can lead to two responses:
(a) She tries to be cold and aloof, or combat all that male posturing by playing super hard-to-get. She’ll repel his approaches, be cold towards his jokes, or try to be overly-aggressive so that she can combat his ego.
The problem is, there are only a tiny handful of guys who can take that kind of pressure. Meanwhile, all the great guys who would have spoken to this woman are completely intimidated by her coldness or aggressiveness
(b) She becomes timid and intimidated, and decides that she’ll simply avoid men altogether.
And as you can guess, both responses don’t work. What we need are some changes in our mindset…
1) Never judge all men based on the loudest guy in the room
Loud guys are desperate for attention and have all kinds of insecurities. Make sure you don’t extrapolate facts about all men on those few guys (imagine if men judged all women based on a few glammed-up, vacuous party girls he sees in nightclubs every week!).
2) Careful about icy exterior
It’s losing you guys and you don’t even know about. Guys who would approach a woman if she was warm and open enough, but are terrified of the ice-queen look.
3) Make men part of your social group
If you want men to seem less alien, start hanging around with more men. Get to know their hang-ups and insecurities; you’ll be amazed at how even great looking guys melt when they see the women they want to approach.
Till next time,