It all started with that guy from your office.
The one you go out with for drinks after work. You both share all the same interests – that art podcast you both geek out over, that movie you both can’t wait to see. Hell, you both even have a subscription to The Economist.
You go home at night thinking about him – sometimes you end up texting or having phone conversations. It makes you smile when you imagine a perfect future together.
Except for one teeny problem…
You’re not actually dating!
It happens. You fall for a guy even though there’s no real future – he has a girlfriend, he’s not looking for a relationship, or maybe he just sees you as a “friend” (ugh, f**k you universe).
But that doesn’t mean you get to wallow in self-pity. Nor does it mean you should hang on the sidelines waiting for your turn with this guy, all the while staring daggers at any woman you see him talking to.
Maybe he’s been leading you on, or maybe you misread the signals. But how you got here isn’t important right now: because when it comes to getting over someone, it’s your job to pick yourself up and begin the difficult process of moving on with your life.
So here are the next three steps you MUST take to move on from this one-sided romance:
Step 1 – Stop *playing* the role of a couple
Thought you could get away with it? Going to late-night movies together, putting your head on his shoulder, convincing yourself all the while that it’s just a great friendship.
Well, it’s time to call quits on this couple behavior.
Why?
Because no matter how much you want to be mature and just see him as a friend, if you have feelings for him you’ll be in a constant fight between your brain and your heart.
Your brain wants to keep him around for the great company, but your heart (and other parts of your anatomy) want to jump his bones and eat pizza naked in bed together. It’s an impossible battle.
So cut…it…off.
No, you don’t have to have a big dramatic conversation, or any conversation at all, but just decide to set new boundaries for this relationship.
e.g.
- Stop hanging out alone together
- Stop doing “datey” activities
- Lose the flirty banter and keep it friendly
It might feel a little bit like a breakup at first, but it’s better to pull this bandaid off now than be stuck in limbo for another 6 months waiting for something to magically happen.
Step 2 – Find happiness from new sources
I’ll be honest. It’s going to painful for a while. But that’s ok.
Just because you never dated, doesn’t mean you won’t feel a ton of agony from accepting the loss of this guy. It’s normal if you had strong feelings for him. Don’t be ashamed of it or try to resist your emotions.
But once you’ve gotten past the withdrawal, you need to build back yourself up again.
Chances are you’ve invested a ton of your time and emotion in this guy, which has made you dependent on his company. So now you need to find OTHER big sources of happiness (this is one of the absolute keys to solving the problem of how to get over someone at any point in your life).
Go to environments that are totally different from the places you’d usually have gone with him. Get a support system of great friends around you who support you and make you feel appreciated. Take up some exercise and sweat out your frustrations for a month (getting fit in the process will just be a bonus!).
The sooner you derive happiness and fulfilment from new sources, the sooner you’ll be able to emotionally disconnect from your relationship with this guy.
And yes, you then need to start going on dates again. You don’t have to take it much further than a casual coffee or two, but it’s just great to remind yourself that you can connect with other guys, and it let’s your heart know that you’re moving forward in your romantic life.
Step 3 – Do the work on yourself
Maybe you fell into this situation by accident, but it’s important to ask yourself: How did this happen?
Did you fall for this guy despite him showing you he wasn’t really interested? Did you pursue him even when you’re friends told you it wasn’t worth it? Was the fact that he was unavailable even more of a challenge for you try and win him over?
It’s crucial to question your own behaviour here so that you can ensure you don’t fall into the same pattern again in future.
Remember:
- You deserve a guy who really wants to be with you and makes an effort to show it.
- Loving someone who can’t/won’t love you in return isn’t romantic, it’s emotional masochism.
- If he’s not investing, the responsibility is on YOU to start walking away…
Take some space, surround yourself with the people you love, and resolve to be aware where you stand with the next guy before you get in too deep.
Getting over someone you’ve invested yourself in is always hard, but the sooner you begin, the sooner you’ll be back to your best again!
21 year old male: Same shit happened to me, except with a girl. Hurt just like a breakup.
I seem to have fallen into this situation, too. I’ve been texting with this guy for a couple of months now. One day I felt brave and told him that I liked him. He said he was flattered, but wasn’t looking to get into a relationship at the moment. I respected that and was fine with being friends.
We continued texting and some of the texts even came off as being flirty. I was holding out hope that maybe he would change his mind and ask me out…until last week when he asked me for advice on this other girl he likes – telling me that he “doesn’t want to lose this one”.
Talk about a hammer to the heart…I’ve been telling myself to get over it. He was never ‘mine’, and all we did was text, so why be so upset about it? But it really hurts. :( What’s worse is he hasn’t texted me since. Now I just feel lost and really, really stupid. Was I misreading his texts? Was he just being nice to me? Why would he keep telling me he wasn’t interested in a serious relationship, but then is wanting to be with this other girl?
Any advice on this would be helpful. Even just writing this out makes me feel a little better.
Thank you.
I met this guy over snapchat and he seemed really nice and we had a lot of mutual friends. we started talking a lot and i started catching feelings. i invited him and a couple other people over, and i dont think hes gonna come. he told me and friends that he likes me but wants to meet. hes not making it easy and he now often ignores my notifications. i know hes ignoring me, but it hurts because he says he still has feelings. i needed this article right now. im thinking before i get deeper into this, i should try and start getting over him in case this a**hole decides to drop me :( (i also have the jealousy problem, its not good)
When I read the subject I feel very happy because I’ve always thought I was a rare specie of romantic girl.
I met a guy 6 years ago (Yes! 6 years!!) I just felt overwhelmed with the amount of common points that we had. He was so charming, so clever, with so much joy and good sense of humor, and was my type of guy I just can’t believed it. And additionally he seemed to like me as well; in fact he told me to went to live with him. But he was from other country and I supposed to followed him and left all behind.
We continued to chat for other 7 months until, I thought It was enough because I discovery he was (beginning ?) a relationship with a girl.
But I always thought “What if”. We continued to talk very rarely (2 -3 times a year) and when he contacted me my heart just melt down everytime
In 1 occasion we talked and we said “We should go to the other’s country” but he said lately “Why we didn’t have sex? We should did it”
I thought “Oh, maybe he feel the same for me as I do; that special person that is that unsolved subject. Al least I’m important in a way for him”
2 weeks before I stalked him (that I never do or did) and found out he got married.
What a shock!! The last time he told me that he sometimes think of me was 3 months ago, really.
Now everything has changed; he is no more “the” guy that I was infatuated with; he is a married man.
And I need to move forward for good.
Your articule will really help me with this porpuse.
I’ve never struggled to get over break-ups but when I found myself in a situation like this it was so hard to move one because I kept romanticizing the ‘relationship.’ These are great tips! It’s so empowering to realize that you deserve better.
Hi. Love this. BUT, I am on the other side. I am a 60 year old woman. I dated a man I knew from my 20’s these past 2 years. We had and have a great time. BUT… he is not the love of my life, but I am his!!!
He wants to keep seeing me even though he knows it’s not going anywhere! I feel awful because I don’t “need” him.
Help!
Is it worth letting him know about my feelings towards him? I feel like if I am not going to do it, it might become an instant regret and it’s so difficult to get over without at least letting him know about my crush on him.
This post is so great! Thank you!
Also, to all the people in here, if you won’t get your answer soon, find your inspiration and understand other’s people experiences below this post.
It’s just funny to see how many things has happened to me as well and checking out these people’s story makes me realise more things and my path is so much clearer now!
I know things can be confusing and the way that our brain “creates” these stories of thinking of having someone can be painful but it’s better to don’t invest too much time into it.
Your time is precious and someone else will turn out to be way better for you. Until then, think twice about your time and measure your decision wisely
Thank you! It took me way too long to deal with this in my past… for a lot of reasons… but I think the worst was people telling my I couldn’t possibly be feeling the things I felt because we never dated. Once I accepted that they couldn’t tell me how I felt, I felt less crazy and could heal. Even after all this time, though, you are still one of the first to say it was normal.
Thanks for sharing such great information with us. I hope you will share some more information. keep it thanks
I’ve been talking to this guy for almost a year and a half now, we meet on a dating app, and we are very far from each other. We always talk every day, and just exchange ideas and be ourselves until it came to a time when we casually do sexting – which gave me more feelings, cause I don’t do that but eventually it was in our routine somehow. We share a lot with what we want in life, what we are doing regularly, and just plainly be involved with each other’s lives. But then he said to me last March that he thought of meeting someone over the summer but then again remembered me, then I asked him if he can see us being together, he retaliated with he doesn’t know me that well cause we only talk via messages or video chats but not really video calls and we haven’t met each other yet. I played it cool and accept his reasons but then again he said he’s not closing the possibility, cause he like my personality and he finds me attractive. So we still talk from time to time and still do sexting, but eventually, the messages had a hit on scarcity cause he was busy already cause their country has no lockdown anymore. Our last sext was July then just a few days ago, he said he’s seeing someone and he hopes she’s not gonna add to the list of his heartbreaks (cause I asked him about his heartbreak) it crushed me, but I don’t know where to stand cause we were just “friends experimenting” (as per him) but still I was holding to maybe someday he will like me back with all the circumstances. But I guess I was wrong, and I can’t just drop him cause I consider him as a friend. And now I don’t even know what to do, cause I am always rational that I can’t get mad at him. After all, I have no right. And that I am feeling sorry for myself that now he’s all happy having someone and still got me as a friend, and I got nothing but the hope and dreams that was not with him after all. So numb now, hopefully, I get myself back