Relationships Are Not Transactions

The lesson of this video is to become a VALUE GIVER, not a value taker.

While my book and organisation are playfully called “Get The Guy”, you really don’t ‘get’ by going out with a mindset to get. You get by going out with a mindset to GIVE.

Think about it… You KNOW when a guy’s not coming up to you to give value; when he’s coming up to you just try and get something.

In the example I talk about in the video, it struck me that this is exactly how women feel when a guy walks up to them with an agenda.

And so many people go into interactions with a transaction in mind.

Today I want to pose a simple question:

–How do you add value? 

Through your personality? Your humour? Who you are? The atmosphere you create?

Let me know in the comments below!

As I mention in the video, you don’t have to go in thinking ‘I am going to give value to this person’. You can add value just by being a great energy around someone.

How are you going to do it with the next group you come into contact with?


Many of you have been asking about the Lifestyle Retreat programs that I do.

Both events that I had booked for the end of this year and now completely SOLD OUT – even though there’s still over 4 months to go!

**Great news**… I’ve decided to throw in one more just to cope with demand and the number of people who otherwise would be missing out.

Check it out here.

This is something I’d never normally do, but there are simply too many people missing out to not do it.

It’s going to be in November from the 4th to the 8th.

I would love to see you there!

91 Responses to Relationships Are Not Transactions

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  1. Manon says:

    Oh Matti ! I am laughing so much right now XD
    This message will be impossible to keep short but basically I’ve moved from London to Germany about 2 weeks ago, to temporally work for a huge company and although I was prepared for the big change, the “transactions” I am receiving here are just mind blowing hahaha :D especially “double…” today which fits perfectly with this video. Don’t get me wrong, work is getting done and even better than anywhere else I’ve experienced so far, that’s the German mentality for sure ;)

    Warm hugs! And btw thanks for your funny recent videos, seeing your face once in a while gives me a sense of home :) x

  2. Claudia says:

    This post spoke to me. It’s amazing how most relationships fail just because of the mindsets of the people in it. For example I was recently talking with one of my girlfriends and she told me she won’t give her man massages because he doesn’t give her any. I was amazed at the way she was thinking. I told her relationships aren’t a give and trade. They are a bond that exchanges value.

  3. nabila says:

    hhhh i loved when you were acting the scene you remided me of smiguel in lord of the rings hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

  4. Jan says:

    So true! I’m in Hawaii. Give a though to having a retreat over here…..PLEASE!

  5. Petra says:

    you have to start with yourself at first, right? I guess I change my approach dependent on the person. but with this last guy I’m being really playful and easy (in a good way), because I know he kind of appreciates that. don’t take me wrongly, I don’t conform to him, these are my own values I believe in, but I just make them more visible when I’m with him. and it works, we really keep up attraction and true connection ;)

  6. Nina says:

    Husseylicious! This is why I love you Brits…Such a dry and witty sense of humor.
    Applying now for your November Retreat in Florida? What are my odds?!

  7. Jill says:

    I actually meant to say something of value but forgot. I literally just finished talking to a friend about a similar topic. We were talking more on the lines of her being lonely and being very tempted to settle which usually just ends up in a hook up and nothing more. My suggestion for that was of course let him know what kind of woman you are and then go out and find people who need love and compassion. It’s amazing how happy life can be when you put yourself aside and truly jump into helping others. It’s a type of love you won’t find anywhere else. Don’t get me wrong it’s not easy but like everything else it just takes practice.

  8. Jill says:

    Matt…they’re Breast-uh-sis…get it right. Note: read that slightly fast or it sounds dumb

  9. Faizah says:

    *haha!* this one of the most amazing yet funny videos I’ve ever watched! thanks Matt. I agree with you %100 (duh! of course I do)

    But I’ve learned so much from this video, because now I completely understand what you mean by adding value, you always talk about it, but I couldn’t seem to get it completely right. Well, now I do!

    So here’s a *KISS!* =)

  10. Simona says:

    Happy Biiiiirthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay for yesterday Matthew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Thank you for all the advice and strength and laughs you give us through your work and being honest and blunt.

    Hope that you yourself leave a wonderful love story. If you haven’t found the ONE yet, I really hope you do soon, so that you can have lots and lots of time together. You deserve it!

    Warm cuddly hugs,

    a fellow Gemini,


  11. Adele says:

    The ‘out-takes’ at the end seem so contrived & fake. Matt please don’t go to Cheeseville with the videos – it will make you less credible :( x

  12. Emmy says:

    I’m so thankful for you having a voice at this time. We live in an age where people are massively undervalued and unloved. It seems women especially buy into the idea that their worth is based on what they can put out rather than who they are.
    You’re the best! Keep doing what you’re doing!!! I wish you all the happiness, blessing, and success you deserve. :)

    Go Matt!!!


  13. sharrollene crow says:

    i know what you mean

  14. Agostinha Jacinto says:

    U are so funny, but also right about every aspect u bring in this video(all ur videos)!i hate even on work, when people do things expecting something in i do my “e “evil face” when guys interact just expecting transaction…because poeple dont like to feel used or like they are a transaction! :) people should be just themselves, and the atmosphere will develop without that pressure.., at least u made new friends!

    I think u should write a book, coaching people how to live, and achieve happiness or be their best…something like that! ^_^ u are always inspiring me, when i read ur book, or when i receive ur advice(email) or even on your videos about The Psychology of Entrepreneurship….so inspiring! :) thanks for that Matty, unfortunately my life didnt change much since i read the book, yes, depends on me…but im already friendly, always smiling and a funny girl…thats what people say about me, and even dont believe that im single…! ‘im not in my best fase in life, and i think thats why nothing change…but i have hope because i have u! ^_^ so, thanks!***

    • Agostinha Jacinto says:

      Happy Birthday! I didnt know that it was Ur Birthday! My brother is algo gemmini….and he is also so funny!wish u the best of life, whatever life have to oferece, u must have the best!
      With love,

  15. Isa says:

    I don’t see what’s wrong with that. I won’t say no to a really good looking guy who wants to buy me a drink in the purpose to have a one night stand.Depends what you’re looking for.How can a man say no to a pretty girl? that’s beyond me.

  16. sharon says:

    Hiii matthew

    there is a guy i like, i don’t see him often but i have known him for a long long time. He recently lost is father, and i went to the funeral, to say goodbye to his father and support him. At front of the curch he looked me right in the face and he gave me a look, like he said ‘help me’. i gave him a little smile and walked to the pastor.
    on facebook he send me a message and he thanked me for the nice words and said i see you soon!
    i asked him, if he maybe wanted to go out with me sometime to have a drink. I told him i knew his head wasn’t into it and he had other things on his mind, obviously, but maybe it would be nice to have a chat sometime. He was reading it, but never gave me a reply.
    after a week i send him a message and apologized to him, because it wasn’t that subtle of me. And i told him i hoped everything was oke with him and when he needed a shoulder to cry on, i would Always be there for him. I asked him to let me know how he was doing. ( not good hah?)
    Still he never sended something back.
    I was in a dillema, because i didn’t wanted to hurt him or push him, after the passing of his father. But i kept this for myself for so long, and i didn’t wanted to wait untill i saw him again. That can maybe take months!!
    when i see him, like in the club, we Always talk and hug, and i Always asked how is ill father was. Now i think i ruined it and i’m a little bit hopeless.
    i would love for you to come to HOlland or Belgium, i would definitly want to see your show!! and get some great advice!
    greetings from holland, you’re doing great Matt !!
    kisses Sharon

  17. anna says:

    hey matty! so much happy to see the video again.. all ur advice is wonderful I wish the man I would give value AGAIN etc etc is someone LIKE YOU… :)


  18. Leesa says:

    Hi Matthew,

    I’ve read your book and enjoy your newsletter and blogs. I would really, really, really like to go to one of your events or retreats in Australia. I have friends who would also like to come – I’ve got them interested in your book ;) Actually, I started wondering if I could be a bit of a representative for you here.

    I could really use your help. Australia’s such a great place. Life is fabulous here. YOU SHOULD COME!!!!!


  19. Tammy says:

    Something really great that you said that stuck out in this video about being someone who adds value and not takes value. I really like that! Thanks!!

  20. A says:

    Uncle Matty, U were on west coast? Come to the other coast so I can woo you.

  21. Qadesh says:

    I did exactly wat u said shudnt do to adk a guy for a drink lol .to be honest I was bored he was kinda hot so I was passin my time to get someone hotter at the bar . He just ignored the question in turn when I asked him for a drink lol . Haha . U shud come to bahrain so we can go out drinking and u can help me get the guy lol.cos after am drunk sm doing wrong things ssometimes haha .

  22. London says:

    First time commenting yeah! Matthew how are you doing? I really do love your videos and sense of humor. You nailed it. The whole transaction thing is so true. Like people want to get to know someone but it comes across like a transaction. The conversation leads to nowhere and sounds like an interview or some kind of scripted lines from a movie. Dead ended questions. ladies if you love to laugh, laugh, have fun and forget if you will sound dumb. Most of the time overthinking things comes across as fake, so be the energetic you, upbeat type, the goofy girl with the crazy haircut,the one who loves to sing am walk on a sunshine? thats what makes people want to draw close to you. Your uniqueness

    If not they just missed out, time to catch a different bus

    Sometimes people dont know how to treat you, teach them please and i beg what you will accept and wont put up with. Men will respect you by how you portray yourself and knowing your selfworth. Never been to any of his events but matthew been funny as ever said to me:

    1 To bemore confident(my allure)

    2 Have fun

    3 Be a woman of high value

    4 Been rejected by a guy? screw it.Well he has no idea
    how great i really am.”He just lose a lottery

    5.Not every guy i date or meet is going to be a potential boyfriend

    6 When i leave the house i should wear my favourite parfume>> MY SMILE:)

    Latly I shouldnt be afraid to move on/walk away

    Thank you matt, greetings from holland. When ever you need some dutch cheese for inspiration let me know:)

    Have a wonderful day x

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      You have such a great outlook London! Thanks so much for your comment and I’m so glad you’re taking away and using these tips in your life : ) Keep it up!


  23. Sydney says:

    Why do you always have to wear these tight tiny T-shirts ? Doesn’t it make your arm hurt, the way you have to squeeze your massive arms through a tiny tiny shirt like this ?

    Come on, Hussey! You make enough money to afford a proper size shirt.

    Love :)
    ~ S

  24. Elke says:

    Please come to Belgium for a live event!

  25. Monique says:

    hahaha, Matthew is our big brother, who teach us something special. I used to have male friends who are explaining man cues for me. And your lovely honesty is so sexy and hilarious, I really love you. Just like my brother.
    Great Matt – many thanks again

  26. Sarah says:

    Oh what a great video of yours…agaiin! There is not a single boring one! What is going on with you? :D ;P No, seriously- Keep it up! :) If someone is proud of you, then it would be your parents and right after that me :) Sarah – yeah, I know we don’t know each other that well^^ But who cares, right? :D right…?

  27. Adam says:

    I’m probably one of the few guys who reads this blog, and I gotta say, Matthew is right on. Beyond just a woman trying to “Get a drink”, it’s also frustrating when a woman is clearly “man hunting”. There’s nothing sexier than a woman just genuinely looking to meet guys and have a ton of fun.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hey Adam,

      So great to see a male presence on the blog! Thanks for the comment and the insight : )

  28. Teresa Fritschi says:

    I hope you don’t get ‘caught up’ in the whole celebrity thing as you seem like a wonderfully normal and nice person.

    I have been divorced for-ever! At 52 I consistently pass for a woman in her early thirties, and my ‘aura’ seems to pull nothing but men who want to experience ‘it’ without giving anything back. And dating sites and casual encounters alike seem very ‘transaction’ based – thus, chronic avoidance. I doubt there is someone out there for me but I want to thank you for making me laugh and for the recognition that very little has changed since I was in my twenties.

    My very best wishes.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Teresa! Haha thanks so much! Haha unfortunately no, not much has changed, but this means that there are still tried and true things we can do to gain real connection! Online dating can be tricky, but has the potential to be great. I did a video on this a little bit ago and there’s a few tips on how to find genuine connection versus transactions. Take a look, hopefully you enjoy it! : )


  29. Lidiya says:

    Thanks for the video besides the funny humor it had a great point and have been there myself without the drink aspect becaus I don’t drink but I was more straight forward with my response to the guy who approached me more then your friend. Sometimes being a bit rude doesn’t hurt but not overly. Keep up the videos !

  30. Chiara says:

    Hi Matt, that was a really good point!

    Nice socks indeed :) I like your laid back attitude, your sunny personality AND your professionalism.
    I am learning so much from your videos. I come to be very shy when talking to guys ( especially the nice looking ones) but I am trying to be more outgoing and relaxed. I think that being nice and polite is very important when it comes to getting to know someone new. Good manners are sexy and the ‘right guy’ will notice it. I have come across too much too often with guys who wanted just a transaction. Usually, if I get annoyed with that attitude I say something polite but firmly and it helps to set some boundaries at the very beginning. Tis immediately stops them and I feel I gain some respect :) Greetings from Italy

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Chiara! It’s so great that you know to set boundaries early on. It’s important to let someone know your expectations and your own perceived value. Well done and thanks for your comment! : )


      • Chiara says:

        Thank you for having replied to my comment! It really made me happy.

        I have your book and I am reading and learning from it. But As I am reading though, some questions come up to my mind. As I am Italian and your target is British and American women, do you think your rules apply to every nationality? What I want to ask is: does the culture of a different country ( in this case Italy) affect the way a man can respond to a woman? I think Italian men might be different from American or British men when it comes to the way they respond.

        I hope I made some sense!

        Thank you Matt and have a lovely day


  31. Mary says:

    Thanks for the great video, Matt! Anytime I’ve noticed that kind of transactiony energy in myself it has felt really blech and kind of heart-clenching. My feeling is that vibe comes from a place of feeling lackful in some way; that life or the people around you need to be manipulated into giving you want because on some level you’re afraid of being without it.

    I loved your idea of bringing value through radiating your best/most natural self. It feels so good to be in that joyful place and let the universe meet you up with others who are too!

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi Mary, thank so much for your comment! Your right. Transactions make you feel not so great, sort of devalued. But if you focus on yourself and the value you know you can add to a persons life you will be able to let those more disingenuous interactions roll off your shoulders and be able to focus on, and attract, others who choose to add value to your life as well : )


  32. April says:

    As being well traveled and full of eventful stories that surround my travels, even though sex is not what I look for firstly in man, but my sexual aura gives off that vibe. I have tried to remain extremely conservative and still put off that vibe. It’s a blessing and a curse. I have never had a man out of many many dates respect me as a person or want to see me for me.
    I have read and tried many ways to avoid the sex appeal, but at the end of the day men think mainly with their penis not their mind, so sexual attraction is very important in finding a potential mate, right?

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hi April,

      Sexual attraction is a lot of the initial attraction to any person, male or female. We are, by nature, visual creatures, so someone’s look or aura will create that initial desire to approach. That being said, it is the value and genuine relation and interaction that will have someone stay the course.


  33. Jessie says:

    HAHA “hey are those breasts you have there? You mind if i get involved with those?” Ok sorry im done commenting

  34. Jessie says:

    I just have to say my stomach hurt cause I was laughing so hard at your role play back and forth thing. SO good! You should do more videos like this! :)

  35. Jessie says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was hilarious!! great video!

  36. Erin says:

    Good point, Matt. This was one of your funniest videos yet.

    BTW – nice socks. ;-)

  37. Jen says:

    I was told today that by me sharing your videos on my Facebook page, it appears “sad.” I find your the content of your videos inspiring and spot on. I’m not sure what is so “sad” about them…LOL!! Maybe the guy that said this is “sad” himself? I’m not sure. I’ll keep watching and reading. You have helped my life (many aspects) more than you will ever know. Thank you!!

  38. NancyH says:

    Another winner, Matthew! It is always better to give than receive. A sentiment I hold dear and close to my a heart. A genuine personality with a smile that can light up any room and an optimism in spirit all its own. Embrace what makes you uniquely you. And ultimately how you add value transcends and directly relates to the value you seek to find…

  39. Kari says:

    Was JUST having this conversation with a date last night. This is exactly how I feel when a guys idea of a first date is “the hot tub” or “the pool” or a “massage”….Come on guys!! I see right through your motive and I’m not buying it. Try harder. ;)

    You’re amazing Matthew-love that you and your friends didn’t give in to the ladies at the club. (Even if they had double deezy’s ha) Good job. ;)

    Much love from AZ,


    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hello Kari from AZ! I’m glad you’re able to see through their motives and know your value! Thanks for your comment :)


  40. irinne says:

    Gretings from Romania! I’ve been reading your posts from a year now and I think you really made a change in my way of thinking. I really hope to attend one of your seminars in the future:) about guys who are looking for “a transaction”…I really hate when it’s so obvious that a guy is looking just to “have some fun” and he thinks that buying me a couple of drinks and talk about how great he is in bed would do the trick. I’m kinda shy and and sometimes I feel offended when a guy thinks I am one of those promiscuous girls, Even though I don’t dress or behave like one . I think it’s my face or…I don’t know ..haha. I also struggle with confidence issues. Even though I am pretty enough to go out with a decent guy, I feel insecure and I think I’m not good enough for someone and I settle for less because I think I will end up being alone…

  41. Diane says:

    When I arrive in a party and there’s people I don’t know, I naturally go and introduce myself to everyone with a kiss on the cheeks. I make jokes because I like to make people laugh, even at my expense. ^^ That way I already feel part of the party and not like an outsider and I make friends.

  42. Nofyah says:

    great. point. well-made.

  43. Michelle says:

    Hahahahaha! you are so right Matt!! And that was a funny way telling it! Excellent point there :)

    I follow you from Finland and your great. I trust your guide in this. Totally great! Keep it up :)

    Sometime when I have the possibility I want to come to your event, would be good for me i think :)


    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Thanks Michelle! So sweet, and thank you for following all the way in Finland! I would love to see you at an event if you can make it some time. : ) thanks again


      • Michelle says:

        So for reserach, where do i find you vent calender, in London ex.? AND you should come to Finland, Sweden or Norway and have the events soon I think too:)

  44. INGRID says:

    2 words: genius & hilarious

  45. melinda says:

    when are you coming back to england?

  46. Clair Gordon says:

    LOVED this!! Tnx, as always :D :D (2 D smiles, haha) :)

  47. Toi says:

    Outside of the awkward exchange over vodka, the end of this video had me in tears! Double-deezys, huh? I like the points you made when you consider people can sometimes smell ulterior motives from a mile away. (Still laughing at double deezys). I add value by being an easy laugh and a good ear when you need it. I can muster up some good wordplay on occasion too. Matt, you’re hilarious.

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Haha ridiculous I know. It’s great to know the ways in which you can add value to someone’s life, it sounds great Toi. And thank you!


  48. Rumors says:

    Well, but there is the other extreme of people that think that EVERYTHING a men does is a transaction of something and boobs. I get a lot of things for free because some waiters are really nice and a male friend that I have allways think it´s because they want something from me. I have a question for you: Why most man think that other man are like that? Sometimes people is just friendly and nice. It´s good to avoid this transaction thing but it´s not so good to think that most of the things someone does for you is for that reason.

    • Rumors says:

      If I have grammar mistakes, pleeease, correct me…

    • Matthew Hussey says:

      Hey Silvi,

      Most men think that, because they know how men think. Unfortunately, most men (and people) do things because they want something from someone else. There are ways to be friendly and there are ways to be nice, but there is also a line that gets crossed, at which point the person is looking for something in return and it’s important to be able to spot the difference.


      • Rumors says:

        Ha! You have used my email name.

        Well, I think a lot of people is missunderstood. For example, every time I go to a coffe shop the waiter gives me free cake :) But then he only talks to me and he knows he only gets a good conversation in return. And not only man. When I go to a bar a waiteress give me free shots and she is only beeing nice. My point is that sometimes we think that people are giving (not only material things)it means that they want something (most likely, sex) in return. Sometimes they just want friendship or to help some people. And I´m 25 years old. I mean, I´m not a naive teen age girl.

        • Agostinha Jacinto says:

          Lucky girl…..people are really nice to you…i dont get anything for free…..well maybe on supermarket when we pay only one product and they have a promotion that i can get one more! Lolololol! ;) some people just want to be friendly or have a good time with somente who looks friendly and nice and i think u are! :) rumor or silvi? Kisses

          • Rumors says:

            Oh, thank you, you are so sweet :) More important that things for free is to get the curiosity of others to be my friends. That makes me a very lucky girl. You seem to be a person that can get the same king of curiosity of others. So we are lucky :)

      • sarah says:

        I think this is one of the best points you have ever made or that any relationship expert has ever made. Its the underlying issue of so many problems. people expect a lot from other people, they want them to be an answer to their problems (in relationships). then they just create more with this attitude. Its a sign they dont respect themselves very much and maybe feel they dont have enough to offer. cheers x

  49. Raleen says:

    Please come to Minnesota! I would take a loan out to see you!

  50. cinthya reyes says:

    You are soo hilarious! But its true I’ve had come up to guys I’m attracted to and see them emediatly get akward.maybe I’ve been doing that……

  51. Ana says:

    You know? I attend events with a mindset of enjoying myself, having fun, showing up as my best self, trying to be open, approachable and social…but your post makes me wonder if still in bringing in a vibe of transaction, because I don’t get to know as many people as I’d like (I go with the intention of widening my social circle, particularly in events for expats/internationals) or, the people I meet, don’t ask for my personal info or follow up. I feel I do my part, but girls who are very aggressive entertaining the hot guys of the event, seem to have better results.
    Thanks Matt,

  52. Mayela says:

    Oh Matthew… Funniest video so far… One day I’m gonna try that conversation just to see the reactions I get. Take care ;)

  53. Christina P says:

    I was kinda expecting you ending this with:

    “Both retreats are completely sold out…*shrugs shoulders*

    Sorry!” [cuts to black]

    But glad to see so many people taking advantage of your programs

  54. Ana says:

    Nice post, liked it :) Btw, there was one of your coaches who contacted me by email regarding my inquiry on your Women’s Retreat, I replied the email but didn’t hear back again :(

    • gettheguy says:

      Hey Ana,

      I’m really sorry to hear that’s happened. I’ve just passed this onto the team and I’ll make sure we get back to you today!


  55. Rachel says:

    “Nonsensy clubs… with the same men and women outside as inside” is so the kind of conversation my brother and I have! hee hee.

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