So last week I did a video on shyness which seems to have struck a nerve.
There were many comments – the majority overwhelmingly good – but also a little controversy which has led me to want to do Part II. Here it is. Enjoy!
Here’s the difference between ‘shy’ and ‘introverted’ as I see it:
–Introversion is associated with being part of someone’s nature.
–Shyness is derived from insecurity. It’s a polite word for being scared.
If we want to overcome shyness, we have to overcome rejection. There are two ways to do this:
1) Get accepted and reinforce a different behaviour
To see that you can talk to someone and get a positive result.
2) Get rejected more
More rejection doesn’t have to make you more insecure. If you talk to people who have to go through a lot of rejection every day – whether it’s people who make cold calls, actors going to auditions, you name it, they’ll tell you that they can become desensitised to that rejection.
We have to decide who we want to be – regardless of acceptance or rejection.
If you go into a situation craving acceptance, it’s going to feel needy and desperate and people will pick up on it.
Go for rejection. Get rejected as much as possible, because the fastest way to get accepted as much as possible (and from the people who will be most beneficial to you) is to be congruent with who you really are.
Hope you enjoyed the video! Thanks to everyone who commented last week. Stay tuned and I’ll be back with more soon!
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Having trouble with shyness? Check out my online program The Man Myth that will walk you through simple steps to meet more men, build attraction, and find out if he’s right for you.
Understood. Now, riddle me this. Personally, I have zero problems talking to strangers. I can walk up to them and start a conversation, make a decision on how I like them and then go from there.
I do however, sometimes, have troubles confronting a man I have already known for awhile if I recently developed an attraction to him. It may be because I assume I already occupy a set place in his life/mind. Maybe I don’t want to “ruin a friendship”-despite the cliched over use of that idea. For one reason or another, I end up not doing anything, and so I get that horrible pit in my stomach screaming at me for being stupidly shy. This is always especially bad because of what I wrote earlier, I know I don’t usually have a problem with expressing myself! This is a relatively rare occurrence, but an obnoxious one none-the-less.
1) Any advice?
2) Ladies, please tell me this is kind of normal! I feel ridiculous.
3) Matt, I think you look very handsome.
I think Matt addressed that in one of his videos. Women forget their standards when they like a man, and settle for less.
As usual you “words of wisdom” hit the nail on the head. Thanks for your witty/satirical style to get the point across…again.
“A rejection is nothing more than a necessary step in the pursuit of success.” ~ B. Bennett
Well I do admit I am rather shy at times because I get nervous around specific people at times. But what do you do when the people at work try to change you all the time ( well you re trying to be yourself and you do things your way and try to get your opinion across but they wont accept it cause they rather want you to do it their way?)
Uncle Matty gets ethnic… “Don’t be judgin me” when u see me in the same outfit for 3 days in a row! I love this guy! <3
I always get things out of ever video Matt… thank you.. yes like above… you do look great so no worries about wearing what works.
Anyone really want to get rejection do online dating. No one likes rejection but after the 10th time (and counting) you just develop thicker skin. So many times I really had no real connection anyway but still allow myself to feel bad afterwards. Not anymore… now I just say…..”NEXT!” and have joined a lot of local social groups doing things I love. I found myself hooking up with two other single women and encouraging them to go up and complement a man they were attracted to… and one of them did… really having fun even without any success yet…
“if at first you don’t succeed… try… try again!”
Team Jamason! :)
Hi Matthew! I just graduated from college and will be starting my “big girl” job next month. I promise that I will not be shy. I LOVE YOU MATTHEW HUSSEY!
I hope you plan on wearing pants/trousers on the Today show ;) Sorry couldn’t resist
great post. and by the way, even women in a relationship already can be painfully scared. I had to learn to suck it up, because if you never express what you want you aren’t going to get it.
thanks again, Matt.
Nofyah
Matt, almost forgot.On Valentine’s day I mentioned a little-known Jewish holiday that falls in the summer and is considered our “day of love”> That’s tonight and tomorrow (Monday). Sundown to Sunset.
The maidens (single women) would dress in white and go out to gather and dance in the orchard.
It’s a happy day here.
Nofyah
I must tell you that I DO understand EXACTLY what you are saying in both parts of these videos! I also want to say I think I can be shy in some situations and sometimes I don’t think I am. I think it really depends on my mood but everything you say makes sense to WHY and WHEN I am shy. I have been taking small steps to get away from that just like you say. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it’s more of a challenge but I DO feel good when I step out of my comfort zone. This week I’ve dealt with some rejection but your videos help remind me it’s OKAY and my standards are important so a couple of days ago, I challenged myself to CREATE a moment which also helped me step out of the shy zone and while I was shakingly nervous, I let a guy know I was interested ( the story behind it is rather funny to me ) and guess what??? It worked!! It didn’t entirely work in MY favor….for now but it still worked and I still got results and I immediately felt better…anyway it’s a funny story but I wanted to thank you for your hard work and dedication to helping everyone including me realize our potential and eventhough it can be tough, going out and creating a moment WILL change you. it gets easier with practice :)
such a turn on when you use big words matty….’congruent’…. *sigh* :)
Ladies please dont fight it listen to what Matt has to say, admiting your shy is kinda the first step, your watching this for a reason! Because nothing else has worked. Matt helps you get the right mind set, push yourself little each day and it will become natural and life will open up in ways you wouldnt belive.
I was on thr dance floor saw a guy I liked and he started to walk off. I had Matts voice in my head and I kept thinking, I may never see this guy again. I could make a fool of myself! But I might never see him again so what would it matter if I make a fool of myself!
I went up to him and said you have an amasing smile, he smiled even more. We exchanged names, sadly he couldnt hear me very well and his friend took him away. I punished myself for not getting his number. But then I thought no I should be proud of myself. I would never have done this before finding Matt.
So now I turn negatives into positives, its not easy but it was worth it because now I think of the man I approached walking around thinking of the lady who said he had an amasing smile! A great feeling to have. All thanks to little Matt I carry on my shoulder where ever I go.
Remember no one can be offended by a compliment!
I recognize myself in what you’re saying, I often regret afterwords if I could have done more of a situation. Nice story anyway:-)
I love you Matt, you always have me giggling! xoxo
Part two definitely makes more sense to me.
As everyone weighs in on this topic of conversation. Hopefully you will draw in personal observations and/or own personal development. The mere word “introvert” spurs connotations such as “shy, ” “quiet” and even “meek” truly resonates. Within the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) framework, an introvert by definition:
. Draws energy from within and not others;
. Prefers solitude and/or small groups to large crowds; and
. Internalizes thoughts and feelings, rather than expressing and emoting all the time
Surprisingly, great historical figures are introverts, including Albert Eienstein…even SUPERMAN!
And in honor of your appreciation for superheroes and Comic-Con 2013 coming to a close here, I will share a recent colleague’s assessment. In Energy, Company and even Expression, Superman was by definition an introvert. However, in realization, even the “Man of Steel” needed improvement.
Being forced to confront super-villains, death and mass destruction, Superman chose to retreat to his Fortress of Solitude and relax, recharge and reflect. And in expression, he remained truly optimistic and positive, never wearing his heart on his sleeve.
While, the main focus was on introversion, there is a distinction. One deals with an innate nature and shyness builds on the FEAR and being afraid of negative judgement. An introvert will enjoy the solitude, however for a shy individual there is a true fear of interactions with others.
This fear can always be overcome.
Realizations of both and the perceptions conveyed have the ability to make vast improvements in personal growth, development and relationships.
Cheers!
Awesome video! Now I need to be working on being rejected! Still have a problem with that. I take everything too seriously! :o good points to consider! Thank you so much coach <3
Hey mat I tried to contact you but I find no response whenever I sent you an email I need your help and I’m from Kurdistan of Iraq so plz plz if you read this email me I really need your help so much :(
Hi Matt, I love your videos, but this topic I’m still a bit confused about. I’ve always been shy and introverted, but I’m definitely not boring or scared of rejection, as I’ve always had a lot of attention from guys (unfortunately none I like). I do carry myself to appear I’m really confident, even though inside I’m really really shy.
Hi Matthew,
great content, thank you!
I used to think of myself “I am boring, that is why I am not interesting” but that is not real… what is real is that:
1) yes, I am an introvert woman, it is my nature and I am completely in peace with this since I do not want to be the “star in the party” – so I will never be an extrovert person, but it does not mean that I can not act in extrovert ways time to time, making a joke or exposing myself in front of other people. I know I can be really funny in a lovely way :)
2) Yes, I am shy – and this is related to my character – it is related to experiences I had suffered as a child. I consider my shyness being a weakness, a territory to still conquer.
The thing is, qualities of extrovert people can be learned – acting “as if we were extrovert” and we definitely need this if we want to be attractive to other people!!! in any social situation, not to talk about flirting!!! we need it…
A few months ago I found myself flirting in an unpredictably way with a man who I felt attracted to, (laughing a lot more than usual while talking to him :) so I caught myself acting in an extrovert way… it was funny to see myself acting this way. He was 28 and I am 44, so a big age difference, and we ended having a great relationship (but that is another story). The point is: I am not boring, I am lazy!!!! so do not want to make the effort to go out of my comfort zone, to contribute, as you said :)
I love what you said about “get rejected more”… we must take risks and act… let excuses behind, life is short! and be able to act once again, and once again, and so on… it is a great idea, thank you for sharing it!
So I am going to be able to get more rejections, beginning with my coworkers this week…
Have a great Sunday!
Hi Matty!!!
for me, its like: rejection- its not the time, or the person…its like the first step for the RIGHT path…with that we cant go for the direction(for life and for guys..)…
like i used to say to my violin students, if u make a mistake, its great the first step to make it right…! ^_^ kiss*