Falling in “like” with someone can happen in a flash.
And while liking someone is an electric feeling that signals the potential for something exciting… it can also trick us into looking past bad behaviors that we wouldn’t normally tolerate…
In the video below, I explain WHY we sometimes let red flags slide and the simple mindset shift that will help protect your heart while you’re looking for your ultimate partner.
What’s Your #1 Non-Negotiable in a Relationship?
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You know one of the reasons I think we get hurt more than we need to is because the way we come to like people tends to be somewhat binary. We go, “I’m not interested, I’m not interested, I’m not interested.” And then the point where some flash of lightning happens in our mind, maybe it’s because we think they look particularly beautiful or handsome. Maybe it’s because of something they’ve done or something that has been revealed to us about this person. We all of a sudden decide, “Now I like this person.” And so we go from that zero to a one like that and now we stick on the one.
The danger of this is that it creates a kind of static image of a person. So we now, in our minds say, “This person’s right for me. I really like this person. I want to be with this person.” And we’re no longer qualifying that based on what’s actually happening. We’ve decided in our mind. So now what we’re trying to do is make reality fit to the vision that we have in our mind.
I’m interested in looking at all of the little moments, the scenarios that happen between you and another person, that become signposts for whether this person is actually right for you. If you think about it, you have all of these requirements long term. Even if you don’t acknowledge them in the short-term infatuation stage, there are all these requirements that you have for the person that you would want to be with for the rest of your life. Whether it’s the way that they would treat your family, whether it’s the way they deal with stress, whether it’s how they deal with arguments. What I want us to begin doing is to make our vision for the kind of person we want to be with the more static part of the equation. That doesn’t mean it never changes or we don’t update our vision, but for the purposes of this mental exercise, let’s say that’s the static part, or it’s much more healthy and beneficial for that to be the static part. And the fluid part is the behavior we witness in somebody else.
If you do that, then when someone doesn’t communicate well with you, when someone decides for a week to just go off the radar and not text you or not call you, when someone treats you badly or just starts ignoring you, ghosting you, you don’t then tell yourself, “Oh, the love of my life is ghosting me.” You start to say, “Oh, they’re ghosting me. So I don’t think they’re the love of my life.”
But if, in those binary terms, you’ve decided, “This is my person. This is the person I want to be with,” then the fluid part becomes your vision, becomes your boundaries, becomes what you will and won’t accept, what behaviors you’ll justify. And that’s a very dangerous thing because I’ve made you the certain part and the uncertain part is how I should be treated or what kind of relationship I have. So now the compromise becomes all of my needs, not you. I want to flip that so that your needs become the most important part, they become the static part. The person is the thing that can be compromised if that person can’t live up to it.
See, I believe that real confidence and certainty is self-awareness of knowing what your deepest needs are in a relationship. And I’m not talking about all the superficial shit. You know, the stuff that we wanted as a teenager, that as we grow up, we learn, “Oh, that stuff’s not really that important.” I’m talking about the bedrock of the kind of relationship that you want to have. And then having the certainty to go out into the world and find that and not settle for less than that. But most people don’t have that level of confidence or certainty.
Insecurity, uncertainty is being unwilling to change the person and instead just making your vision mold the person you have. And that’s how you end up in a scenario where you go, “My God, I never would have imagined in my life that I would have tolerated this kind of behavior. I never would have imagined that I would accept this from someone. And here I am going through this hellish relationship, enduring all of this suffering, all of this bad treatment in order to stay with this person.” That’s because you made the person the static part and the vision the malleable aspect of your love life.
54 Replies to “🚩Stop Ignoring His Red Flags and Get the Respect You Deserve”
I would say a non-negotiable is someone who is unsupportive!
I was once with this guy who didn’t like my friends, didn’t especially approve of me trying to better myself in any way, especially with my passions like singing (in public mainly), and tried to alienate me from my family by implying that THEY were unsupportive and controlling, & started making me totally dependent on him. This lead to a gradual increase in controlling behaviour as I moulded myself more and more to his demands, and lost more of myself along the way.
Thankfully, my family were amazing and helped drag me out from under his grip, and I was able to leave him and build up my confidence over a number of years (yes, years!)
Now, whenever I see friends with someone who shows no interest in something that they love, it’s a massive red flag, because if you truly love and care for someone, surely you would want to support them in whatever makes them happy??
Thank you!! That’s exactly what I did. I changed my standards to suit his behavior. I know now I will listen to red flags and run the other way.
Loyalty is my #1 non negotiable in a relationship
The one value in my life I cannot compromise on is freedom. Freedom to choose my way and theirs, freedom to be alone ne or with others, freedom to be social or alone… You get the picture.
Went through hell and back, bc I chose to let someone “overwrite” this for a long loooooooooooong time. I’m in remission now
I now hear a lot, that “I don’t seem to care”. Which is inadequate… I care heaps! But I give people the freedom of choice to walk their own way and I will gladly accompany them, if I want to and if they want me to.
This was so good. Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Although, when I fall in “like” with someone its nearly always a gradual effect rather than an all of sudden moment. Nevertheless, it’s the same result and your advice and information is still greatly applicable! Thank you again for dishing this stuff out!
Also, you look great in this vid Matt
Very, very profound thought about cognitive dissonance. Thank you. #1 non negotiable is someone who doesn’t listen to me.
Hello Matthew, you described exactly my situation! I was distanced and just observed how the guy acted…he looked really insisting and talked directly that he would like to have relationships with me…(for information we are living in different countries)…he invited me to his country to celebrate NY…i said that before to come to you i need to know you a bit better…so give me one of your accounts on fb or insta I wanna see how you look at life…And you know what? He disappeared! Just in the middle of messaging about films topic! I was choked…didn’t understood what actually happens…and still don’t! I just wondering is i asked or said something wrong….? I think I don’t…Is it the reality where man just “talks”….what the point? Is man do not understand that they just kill in woman the lasts soul’s parts of general trust to men’s words?
Nonnegotiable: Cannot be atheist/agnostic
Thank you Matthew this video just came at the right time when I needed it. I’m going through a similar situation and and I feel like this was just made for me. I now know not to settle for less just because we want to make people fit in our expectations
You have a lengthy list of outstanding videos that instruct us single ladies on how to find a real and lasting relationship, but this is hands down the BEST one. For far too long, I have been guilty of allowing men to get away with bad behavior and I wish I had realized more than a decade ago to focus on getting my real needs met as opposed to the superficial wants. At 40 years old, I’m finally learning the enormity of this mistake and your video reinforced what I’ve only just begun to learn. Thank you!
My not negotiable is someone who is not generous and seems to always want his needs to be met eg I accidentally typed in an error to meet someone … I told him I would but him coffee but the date we confirmed was 11.45 too close to lunch time… red flag he could not communicate about this from that morning about 7.40 am so I thought what the hec, I’ll make it and buy him lunch … he thanked me but when he followed through expected me to pay my own way to a theatre .. ticket … about the same price … this was not on in my opinion …
I find it to be intolerable if I have to keep repeating myself. I’ve had no issues communicating my needs to my partner who I’ve been dating for about 6 months! He’s usually pretty good at honoring my needs but lately I’ve asked why he doesn’t post more pics of us on social when we’re together. His feed is still full of pics with his ex of 6 years (we started dating 2 months after she broke up with him.) He hasn’t honored that request and I’m being patient but it seems defiant on his part. I feel like he’s hiding me or afraid to share us on social and it makes me feel unworthy. Hopefully he naturally finds that desire by his own volition so I don’t have to feel like I’m forcing or being needy. He used the excuse that “he’s just not that good at taking pics” but I see him have no issues posting Golfing with buddies, even pics of food we eat when out at dinner. I know men have their timeline and I’m trying to be patient. Advice would be appreciated!
This is awesome! I think that the difficulty is when the behaviour is perhaps not so obvious and clear but more insidious. When things are going great and you develop a strong connection with someone and then small things start to happen that don’t fit your vision but you’ve already fallen for this person. It’s not like the person has suddenly switched or are purposely behaving badly but is not consistent so it makes it that much more difficult to let go.
Communication. If you can’t talk things out and communicate with empathy and understanding then it just won’t work.
This is almost EXACTLY what I’m going through with my current break up. Thanks for putting it in such clear terms. I needed to hear it from someone else.
That’s really great advice . It really resonates with what I have been dealing with. I have been in a relationship for three years and living together. He has consistently been found on dating website and even texting other girls. I keep finding it in myself to forgive him. I am getting worn out and I know what I have to do but it is difficult.
Tardy communication between dates and during the week would be my #1 deal-breaker. I’m not someone who expects immediate attention but if someone you’re dating for a while goes for three to four to five days without a response to texts or the courtesy to call back, that sets a precedent of what you can expect in the future.
Just great, Matt! That makes the difference – this perspective! Thank you for your work!!
This one was the best one EVER!
That when i call a person, he either takes my call or reverts as soon as possible
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