🚩Stop Ignoring His Red Flags and Get the Respect You Deserve

Falling in “like” with someone can happen in a flash.

And while liking someone is an electric feeling that signals the potential for something exciting… it can also trick us into looking past bad behaviors that we wouldn’t normally tolerate…

In the video below, I explain WHY we sometimes let red flags slide and the simple mindset shift that will help protect your heart while you’re looking for your ultimate partner.

What’s Your #1 Non-Negotiable in a Relationship?
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You know one of the reasons I think we get hurt more than we need to is because the way we come to like people tends to be somewhat binary. We go, “I’m not interested, I’m not interested, I’m not interested.” And then the point where some flash of lightning happens in our mind, maybe it’s because we think they look particularly beautiful or handsome. Maybe it’s because of something they’ve done or something that has been revealed to us about this person. We all of a sudden decide, “Now I like this person.” And so we go from that zero to a one like that and now we stick on the one.

The danger of this is that it creates a kind of static image of a person. So we now, in our minds say, “This person’s right for me. I really like this person. I want to be with this person.” And we’re no longer qualifying that based on what’s actually happening. We’ve decided in our mind. So now what we’re trying to do is make reality fit to the vision that we have in our mind.

I’m interested in looking at all of the little moments, the scenarios that happen between you and another person, that become signposts for whether this person is actually right for you. If you think about it, you have all of these requirements long term. Even if you don’t acknowledge them in the short-term infatuation stage, there are all these requirements that you have for the person that you would want to be with for the rest of your life. Whether it’s the way that they would treat your family, whether it’s the way they deal with stress, whether it’s how they deal with arguments. What I want us to begin doing is to make our vision for the kind of person we want to be with the more static part of the equation. That doesn’t mean it never changes or we don’t update our vision, but for the purposes of this mental exercise, let’s say that’s the static part, or it’s much more healthy and beneficial for that to be the static part. And the fluid part is the behavior we witness in somebody else.

If you do that, then when someone doesn’t communicate well with you, when someone decides for a week to just go off the radar and not text you or not call you, when someone treats you badly or just starts ignoring you, ghosting you, you don’t then tell yourself, “Oh, the love of my life is ghosting me.” You start to say, “Oh, they’re ghosting me. So I don’t think they’re the love of my life.”

But if, in those binary terms, you’ve decided, “This is my person. This is the person I want to be with,” then the fluid part becomes your vision, becomes your boundaries, becomes what you will and won’t accept, what behaviors you’ll justify. And that’s a very dangerous thing because I’ve made you the certain part and the uncertain part is how I should be treated or what kind of relationship I have. So now the compromise becomes all of my needs, not you. I want to flip that so that your needs become the most important part, they become the static part. The person is the thing that can be compromised if that person can’t live up to it.

See, I believe that real confidence and certainty is self-awareness of knowing what your deepest needs are in a relationship. And I’m not talking about all the superficial shit. You know, the stuff that we wanted as a teenager, that as we grow up, we learn, “Oh, that stuff’s not really that important.” I’m talking about the bedrock of the kind of relationship that you want to have. And then having the certainty to go out into the world and find that and not settle for less than that. But most people don’t have that level of confidence or certainty.

Insecurity, uncertainty is being unwilling to change the person and instead just making your vision mold the person you have. And that’s how you end up in a scenario where you go, “My God, I never would have imagined in my life that I would have tolerated this kind of behavior. I never would have imagined that I would accept this from someone. And here I am going through this hellish relationship, enduring all of this suffering, all of this bad treatment in order to stay with this person.” That’s because you made the person the static part and the vision the malleable aspect of your love life.

54 Responses to 🚩Stop Ignoring His Red Flags and Get the Respect You Deserve

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  1. Carina says:

    so true, I think I just finished a relationship (cuz he won’t talk to me for 3 weeks). Yes, I always wanted a partner who is selling to discuss with me when we have problems. Who’s welling to compliment me or encouraging me, instead of “ Why should I compliment you? Did you do something extremely well?” or refuse to talk about a problem calmly. Yet, I still think about besides those issue, he’s a delicate person that took care of me. But he’s never really want to communicate made me frustrated.

  2. Archana says:

    Hi, I am following your posts from quite a few days. I appreciate your hard work and knowledge. You are so crystal clear in whatever you want to convey.

    I have one query, I hope you will answer it. If the other person’s actions show that he also loves you but suddenly he go off the radar for few days and not text you or not call you. So because love means trust also, so what you will do then?

  3. Christine says:

    I have done much self-reflection over the last year and much heart ache as well as much self name calling because I should have seen the flags and calmly walked away – walking directly past Go…

    My non-negotiables in any connection are now:
    * kindness and caring
    * being valued
    * respect
    * communications that are open, clear and not to be ambiguous, I want to not feel ignored or not worthy of a response or dismissed. Being heard.
    * being treated and communicated as an equal.

    A hard and bitter lesson to learn, but I learned it none the less. My values, my vision will always come first.

  4. Dom says:

    Erika, please tell me all the direct signs. My girlfriend has literally done every one of those signs you said. I am questioning if I can trust her. Can you tell me all of them please?

  5. Magdalena says:

    Oh my this one hit the nail on the head for me.this has been my pattern up till now.this is the first time someone accually made sense.im at a point now where dating is no longer a safe option to aim for.ive resigned myself to a single life.which makes me kind of sad I thought I would be able to find a companion.my last encounter gave me great hope just to tear me appart.and I hadnt even started dating.on the upside it may have just been what I nedded to break this awful cicle..

  6. Erika says:

    I love this and it is very important to have a knowledge of our own deepest need,however, there are direct signs that a person is abusive/narcissist:
    1. Love bombing – This is when you first meet and he/she showers you with gifts, attention, compliments. You think he/she is being so sweet but in reality they are trying to get you hooked so you don’t see the other red flags to come.
    2. Pushing for sex too early (right away). – for them, sex “seals the deal” so you are right where they want you. Your guard is down and they now believe they have more control.

    3. Do not have a good relationship with parents- more than likely they have not grown up in a healthy home and you will be subject to the abuse that was shown to them.
    4. Deflect responsibility for their actions- They blame everyone for their problems instead of owning up to their actions. Pretty soon, you will be taking all the blame. They cheat, it’s your fault, they lie, it’s your fault.
    5. They are not trustworthy- they consistently stand you up. They don’t do what they say they are going to do.

    This is just a few, there are a bunch more.

  7. Angela says:

    Wow. That’s was a major shift in perception. I get it and also recognize my pattern of behavior that now must change.

    What’s interesting is that I was taught to think I was too snobby or picky for saying someone was not “good enough” Bc I didn’t like how I was treated but now I realize that as a teen I had a clearer idea, a better idea of how I should be treated. But I was told I wasn’t pretty enough or wealthy enough to have those expectations.

  8. Linda Eaves says:

    I needed to hear this

  9. Monterica hudson says:

    It’s tough to reply because I’ve never truly thought that I’d deserve more than what guys offer me in a friendship/relationship. So, I read a few comments below and I decided that my #1 Non Negotiable is TRUST. For a moment in my life I’ve allowed people to treat me how they wanted to treat me. Whether they were family, friends, lovers, or foe. I was mute for two year of my life and tested on many occasions to where I forgot to defend myself. And maybe I have to communicate more. And since I haven’t always been honest in my past, no one could ever fully trust my word. If I am more honest I show that I’m trustworthy. And with trust comes honesty on their behalf and I learn to trust them as well.

  10. Sands nabukenya says:

    Iam really a victim of this and am suffering so much with it. I have a child and looking for a way forward because its even coming to an end btn us

  11. Grace Harlock says:

    Thanks Matt, i really needed to hear this

  12. Jessica Santa Maria says:

    My nonnegotiable quality is integrity. If someone has integrity, they will not have to be told that being dishonest, sneaky, and lying is wrong.

  13. Jessica Santa Maria says:

    I am hurting right now because although I knew this, and felt this in my heart, my recently ex-boyfriend made me question this with his lies and behavior that was conflicting with what he told me. I started picking up on some really negative personality traits like stonewalling, ignoring me and my feelings, ghosting, excuses and lies, him coming around when it was convenient for him and not so much for me and being a non contributor in the relationship or bringing significant benefit to my and my son’s life. Then, the worst happened, he was a police officer and said he had to work late on what was to be his Friday night, but, while trying to fall sleep alone, I had knots in my stomach. I just felt like my gut was trying to tell me that something wasnt right, hadn’t been right in quite some time. I saw an opportunity to verify his story of working late and find out from an objective 3rd party if he was telling the truth, theyd say yes, hes still on duty and if not, they would tell me without motivation to lie. Two people verified hed left on time at 7pm. It was almost midnight. I knew, for a fact, he had lied and fabricated a huge story and I would now never be able to trust him again when he said anything and that it was over. My heart is broken because I ignored the early signs, my instincts and made my the image of what was acceptable fluid, instead of sticking to my heart and making him the fluid part. This has helped me so much this morning. I’ve been upset and crying for weeks. It’s good to know I’m not being selfish for not compromising what’s important to me and accepting unacceptable behavior and circumstances. Thank you. I have a road of healing ahead before I’ll be ready to try to let someone in again but it’s justifying to know I’m not crazy for thinking exactly what you articulated in your video.

  14. Lin says:

    A must read

  15. Celia says:

    You nailed it! Once I flipped the fluid and static part I knew what to look out for and subsequently met my now husband.

  16. Helena O Carroll says:

    Number 1 non negotiable is lack of intimacy, no real connection, no understanding and in turn no real relationship

  17. vera says:

    I have watched pretty much every single video you have posted, but this one just trigerred sth very deep in me. What you said in here was sth so meaningful to me, that I hope to never ever forget this. Thank you so so much.

  18. Stella says:

    I knew this and I lived by it for a long time … then someone completely got under my skin and I changed. This video turned on the light, and I will watch it everytime I feel myself slipping.
    A massive THANK YOU from an older woman who should have known better!
    I guess although I am “Good for my age” I felt lucky to”get the guy ” so I let him change me… mistaking his caring ” why didn’t you call me ” as a way of breaking me and controlling me … actually turning me into a jealous woman – which I never was, because if I felt uncertain about something I would face it .. and be prepared to leave a relationship if I was unhappy with the outcome. Your advice is age proof …

  19. Casey says:

    For me, my non-negotiable item is trust – theirs and mine.

    If they do not tell me the truth, if they disrespect me, if they go behind my back to find something ‘extra’ without talking to me etc…

    Trust broken is really really hard to repair, if at all.

  20. Michelle says:

    #1 non-negotiable requirement is now consistent, active listening and emotionally intelligent responses instead of a default to gaslighting defenses.

  21. Julie says:

    Love all your videos, but this one really hit home. Great eye opener for a vital paradigm shift. Thanks, Matt!

  22. Janet says:

    Non negotiable is being on a curious, self inquiry, spiritual path. Willingness to be vulnerable and uncomfortable to create necessary change.

  23. Lucy says:

    Thanks for posting this very pertinent blog. I went to the London event on Saturday and remember your dad saying to base commitment to a guy on how much he invests, not how much you like him. Btw bravo to him for battling through a cold and talking for five hours straight!

    I’ve been trying lots of tips to be more receptive to men and I’m not shy about approaching. Trouble is some men, especially in bars, just want to try their luck. And I’ve had some bad experiences of gropers etc so sometimes eye contact is just a bad idea.

    Anyway a non-negotiable for me is being able to take responsibility, owning your mistakes and being able to compromise. Some people can’t do that and it stops a relationship from moving forward.

  24. Karry says:

    This is brilliant… Matthew the best advice ever

  25. Danika says:

    Oh. My. God. Matthew, you are a genius. I have never heard it put in such a way but it is so true and well-explained. Under the influence of alcohol I have watched myself “gloss over” red flags, knowing they were red flags, but telling myself it wouldn’t matter so much. I couldn’t be more wrong. 8 months later I’m “getting over a guy I never actually dated” and cringing at how much I lowered my standards by wanting this particular ‘piece of perfection’ to love me. Oh my god, the heartache. You are so, so right. You asked us to comment on our number one non-negotiable. Mine (now:) is: Feeling understood, adored, and totally safe.

  26. Tara says:

    Yes yes yes!

    Thanks for the rhema. Where were you with your brilliant insight and advice years ago!!

    Thank you

  27. Shawna says:

    I’m going through this very same thing today. Timing is everything… your video popped up at the exact moment I needed to hear it. Sitting here thinking wow, I deserve better treatment than this, should I call him? Telling myself don’t you dare call because he’s revealing his true self to you in this moment. Having that internal battle between I don’t care and omg this could be the end. Going between confidence and fear. I’m going to stop right now and journal my list of what I want and what I’ve let myself tolerate over the past few months then focus on what’s not right instead of how can I make this right. Thank you for opening my eyes today.

  28. Stupid says:

    This is my biggest problem. I have no trouble finding a relationship, they even turn into long term relationships. I’ve had 3 long term relationships for 6 years, 10 years, and 4 years. But I always end up getting used, and left with nothing. I’m exhausted from having to pick myself back up off the ground, and start again. Once I make the call that there behaviour can no longer continue, I get hassled for months. It’s always the same story… I’m sorry, I didn’t realise what I had till it was gone, you are my everything, I’m lost without you, you were always there for me, I lied because I knew you wouldn’t forgive me twice, I will spend the rest of my life proving to you what you mean to me, blah blah blah. Why do I keep giving 110% to these BOYS, and despite being in a relationship, have to deal with everything on my own and only get 2% back. I’m so done. I need advice on how to not attract anyone.☹️

  29. Jennifer Kaufman says:

    Say hi a good video! That’s exactly what I was doing! NO MORE! I had sold myself out… I was down to none of my needs being met and keeping the person which is the exact opposite of what I should’ve been doing. Thank you for bringing this type of situation till late because it is so important. My non-negotiable now is kindness. I refuse to be with someone who isn’t kind. I always end up with the jerky guy who is funny but treats the waiter like garbage or treats kids like garbage. No more of that! No more of explaining to a grown adult male how to be a decent human being! Thank you Matthew!

  30. Carol says:

    I see the red flags and the time I jump in anyway is when they meet the intellectual list of attributes – not all are superficial. When clearly they lack the deeper values my brain says, Run. Easier said then done because my static is in rediscovery mode since the death of my spouse… but I did leave and I am slowly figuring out what I want. Seems I’m fairly intimidating to many men and don’t want to be – let’s start there

  31. Chriszel says:

    But my problem is that im in love with the wrong person. Somebody who is interested in me but i dont love or like them. Please help

  32. Fiona Campbell says:

    Mind-blowing concept Matthew, thank you. My number 1 non-negotiable is that he has to blow my mind :)

  33. Trinity says:

    That when i call a person, he either takes my call or reverts as soon as possible

  34. Andrea says:

    This one was the best one EVER!

  35. Claudia says:

    Just great, Matt! That makes the difference – this perspective! Thank you for your work!!

  36. Priyanka says:

    Tardy communication between dates and during the week would be my #1 deal-breaker. I’m not someone who expects immediate attention but if someone you’re dating for a while goes for three to four to five days without a response to texts or the courtesy to call back, that sets a precedent of what you can expect in the future.

  37. Jenn D says:

    That’s really great advice . It really resonates with what I have been dealing with. I have been in a relationship for three years and living together. He has consistently been found on dating website and even texting other girls. I keep finding it in myself to forgive him. I am getting worn out and I know what I have to do but it is difficult.

  38. Alexandria says:

    This is almost EXACTLY what I’m going through with my current break up. Thanks for putting it in such clear terms. I needed to hear it from someone else.

  39. Lynzie says:

    Communication. If you can’t talk things out and communicate with empathy and understanding then it just won’t work.

  40. Lynn says:

    This is awesome! I think that the difficulty is when the behaviour is perhaps not so obvious and clear but more insidious. When things are going great and you develop a strong connection with someone and then small things start to happen that don’t fit your vision but you’ve already fallen for this person. It’s not like the person has suddenly switched or are purposely behaving badly but is not consistent so it makes it that much more difficult to let go.

  41. Amelia says:

    I find it to be intolerable if I have to keep repeating myself. I’ve had no issues communicating my needs to my partner who I’ve been dating for about 6 months! He’s usually pretty good at honoring my needs but lately I’ve asked why he doesn’t post more pics of us on social when we’re together. His feed is still full of pics with his ex of 6 years (we started dating 2 months after she broke up with him.) He hasn’t honored that request and I’m being patient but it seems defiant on his part. I feel like he’s hiding me or afraid to share us on social and it makes me feel unworthy. Hopefully he naturally finds that desire by his own volition so I don’t have to feel like I’m forcing or being needy. He used the excuse that “he’s just not that good at taking pics” but I see him have no issues posting Golfing with buddies, even pics of food we eat when out at dinner. I know men have their timeline and I’m trying to be patient. Advice would be appreciated!

  42. Mary says:

    My not negotiable is someone who is not generous and seems to always want his needs to be met eg I accidentally typed in an error to meet someone … I told him I would but him coffee but the date we confirmed was 11.45 too close to lunch time… red flag he could not communicate about this from that morning about 7.40 am so I thought what the hec, I’ll make it and buy him lunch … he thanked me but when he followed through expected me to pay my own way to a theatre .. ticket … about the same price … this was not on in my opinion …

  43. Katie says:

    You have a lengthy list of outstanding videos that instruct us single ladies on how to find a real and lasting relationship, but this is hands down the BEST one. For far too long, I have been guilty of allowing men to get away with bad behavior and I wish I had realized more than a decade ago to focus on getting my real needs met as opposed to the superficial wants. At 40 years old, I’m finally learning the enormity of this mistake and your video reinforced what I’ve only just begun to learn. Thank you!

  44. Ashleen Sally says:

    Thank you Matthew this video just came at the right time when I needed it. I’m going through a similar situation and and I feel like this was just made for me. I now know not to settle for less just because we want to make people fit in our expectations

  45. GS says:

    Nonnegotiable: Cannot be atheist/agnostic

  46. T.S. says:

    Hello Matthew, you described exactly my situation! I was distanced and just observed how the guy acted…he looked really insisting and talked directly that he would like to have relationships with me…(for information we are living in different countries)…he invited me to his country to celebrate NY…i said that before to come to you i need to know you a bit better…so give me one of your accounts on fb or insta I wanna see how you look at life…And you know what? He disappeared! Just in the middle of messaging about films topic! I was choked…didn’t understood what actually happens…and still don’t! I just wondering is i asked or said something wrong….? I think I don’t…Is it the reality where man just “talks”….what the point? Is man do not understand that they just kill in woman the lasts soul’s parts of general trust to men’s words?

  47. Maya Lilly says:

    Very, very profound thought about cognitive dissonance. Thank you. #1 non negotiable is someone who doesn’t listen to me.

  48. Barbie says:

    This was so good. Exactly what I needed to hear right now. Although, when I fall in “like” with someone its nearly always a gradual effect rather than an all of sudden moment. Nevertheless, it’s the same result and your advice and information is still greatly applicable! Thank you again for dishing this stuff out!

    Also, you look great in this vid Matt

  49. Jennifer Cito says:

    The one value in my life I cannot compromise on is freedom. Freedom to choose my way and theirs, freedom to be alone ne or with others, freedom to be social or alone… You get the picture.
    Went through hell and back, bc I chose to let someone “overwrite” this for a long loooooooooooong time. I’m in remission now
    I now hear a lot, that “I don’t seem to care”. Which is inadequate… I care heaps! But I give people the freedom of choice to walk their own way and I will gladly accompany them, if I want to and if they want me to.

  50. Melissa Daggett says:

    Loyalty is my #1 non negotiable in a relationship

  51. Linda says:

    Thank you!! That’s exactly what I did. I changed my standards to suit his behavior. I know now I will listen to red flags and run the other way.

  52. Iona Relf says:

    I would say a non-negotiable is someone who is unsupportive!
    I was once with this guy who didn’t like my friends, didn’t especially approve of me trying to better myself in any way, especially with my passions like singing (in public mainly), and tried to alienate me from my family by implying that THEY were unsupportive and controlling, & started making me totally dependent on him. This lead to a gradual increase in controlling behaviour as I moulded myself more and more to his demands, and lost more of myself along the way.
    Thankfully, my family were amazing and helped drag me out from under his grip, and I was able to leave him and build up my confidence over a number of years (yes, years!)
    Now, whenever I see friends with someone who shows no interest in something that they love, it’s a massive red flag, because if you truly love and care for someone, surely you would want to support them in whatever makes them happy??

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