The One Secret All Desirable Women Use Even If They Aren’t Aware Of It

Stephen Hussey

Do you have a naturally attractive friend who seems to have guys chasing her, even though she doesn’t look like a stereotypical ‘perfect ten’?

How does she do it?

You could just ask her. But there’s a problem with that approach. First, it’s a weird conversation to have with a close friend. Second, even if your friend offers honest advice, it’s probably not going to be helpful. Because when it comes to attracting a member of the opposite sex, even people who are good at it don’t always understand what they are doing.

(Photo: Toni Blay)

They don’t consciously break down their method, which is why they will often give you vague slogans like “I just connect with guys and it sort of happens” or “if you just be natural and stop trying so hard guys will like you”.

You can’t use this advice, because your version of natural isn’t your friend’s version of natural. So unless you know what principles they follow, it’s impossible to replicate their results.

Today I want to open the lid on one of the most important rules that all desirable people intuitively understand, whether they are aware of it or not.

This simple rule has been proven time and time again to be one of the most universally accepted routes to become more attractive, more sought after, and more intriguing to the opposite sex.

It’s not the magic bullet, but it’s the powerful weapon that all desirable people possess in their arsenal.

And you’ll notice it everywhere once you start looking for the patterns.

What Makes Some Women Naturally Desirable?

Try to think about a friend of yours, or someone you know, who seems to just be effortlessly attractive.

She doesn’t even seem to try that hard. She just does her thing – she isn’t especially kind or generous, she doesn’t give guys special treatment or play games, and yet she seems to have no problem getting guys intrigued and wanting to chase her, to text her – she’s even had guys begging to lock her down and be exclusive.

Meanwhile, maybe you know someone else who is the opposite of this woman.

Perhaps this person is the archetypal ‘people pleaser’ – she tries extremely hard, she doesn’t make waves, she is quick to agree with anything a guy says in order to force a connection, she is always around to ‘just hang out’ if he wants to. Oh, and she also can’t ever seem to keep a guy interested.

What is the difference between these two women?

Many will be tempted to read these contrasting examples cynically. They’ll say that it just proves the old adage: Treat them mean, keep them keen.

They’ll conclude that the lesson is that a woman should actively try to be unavailable, indifferent, or even aloof to the charms of men in order to peak a guy’s interest. Which is an enormous mistake, because it means jumping straight from one unattractive behaviour (excessive people pleasing) straight to another (excessive coldness and game-playing).

All the while they are missing the beautiful sweet spot in between these two extremes.

They are missing what the girl in our first example was sub-communicating that the second girl wasn’t: Self-Respect.

See, there is no single method that will guarantee that a guy falls in love with you.

There is, however, one secret that serves as the essential foundation for attraction, and without which you’ll never truly be able to keep a great guy interested.

The secret is this: Naturally desirable people, when given the option, choose being respected over being liked.


Being Liked Vs. Being Respected

Naturally desirable women are not people pleasers.

That’s not to say they aren’t pleasing to be around. But they do not set out in every interaction to be liked. They don’t compromise on how they treat their friends in order to spend more time with a guy.

They will make the difficult choice to prioritize more important things, like their career or their family, or even just their own standard of respect, rather than trying to just stay in rapport with a guy. They won’t bend their own beliefs. They can walk away. They communicate their needs in a calm, assertive way.

People often confuse this, and think that respect means they have to become a try-hard and aggressively assert their independence and strength at all opportunities.

But respect isn’t about gaining power and being competitive. It is about doing what feels right to you, and not apologizing for it. Even if a guy disagrees, he’s going to respect you in that moment for sticking to your standards.

This doesn’t mean that everyone has to have the same standard. Some people’s standards for respect mean they will only sleep with someone after 6 months, for others it’s 3-4 dates, for others it’s whenever they want. The standard itself doesn’t matter. What matters is that a guy sees you conform to whatever your standard happens to be.

It doesn’t mean either that he will always accept that standard. For many guys six months would be too long to wait to have sex. But there’s one guarantee: he’ll lose respect, and eventually attraction for you, if he feels like you are compromising something that is important to you.

For example, a guy might like it in the moment when you sleep with him on a first date. But if he feels like it was something you only did to make him happy, but which violated your own standard for sexual intimacy, he’ll start to feel less attracted to you as a long-term partner (EDIT: of course, if you want have sex on a first date, and don’t have any strict rules about it, then go for it ;) ).

This is not a prescription telling you not to have sex on a first date (though there are pragmatic reasons not to e.g. needing time to get to a better read on the person and know what they are looking for, allowing things to develop gradually and build some anticipation). Rather, it simply says that compromising our standards, even a little, to stay in rapport with someone you like is a false path to attraction.

This is because being liked in the moment is not the same as generating long-term attraction. Period.

Is it possible to be respected and liked at the same time? Of course.

But is it possible for a guy to be attracted long-term if he likes you but doesn’t respect you? No way.

A guy can totally enjoy spending time with you, have fun in your company, but if he gets the weird vibe that he gets ‘special treatment’ just because you are attracted to him, he instantly sees you as less desirable.

This is what we mean when we say guys value what they earn. It’s not that guys don’t LOVE attention, affection, and being prioritized. It’s that they want to feel like they have earned that status.

High Value women understand that just being agreeable is not attraction. Attraction can come from those moments when a guy tests the boundaries and just sees that they exist.

To put it simply: pleasing a guy and attracting a guy don’t always go hand in hand. Often they do, but sometimes they don’t.

And when they don’t, a sophisticated woman always knows which one to choose.


(Back to Matt)

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87 Replies to “The One Secret All Desirable Women Use Even If They Aren’t Aware Of It”

  1. It actually annoys me a bit these days if a guy says I’m nice…I see myself as kind but don’t want to be seen as a pushover. I don’t agree with them on everything or do things just to please them. Maybe they just mean I’m polite when I express how I feel versus overly aggressive? Also how do you communicate a standard to someone who ignores a text (that they initiated) but then post replies to comments on your social media? (I typically make it a rule I don’t accept friend requests except if the guy was a friend before we date and he is on there already…) I find it disrespectful and start ignoring guys messages back when they ignore mine, but is that really enforcing a boundary or is it just game playing?

    1. Unfortunately this happens to me too all the time people are involved in this game playing where who messaged first and who replies back fast is being counted. How does it matter everyone is around their phones most times then y do all that drama

      1. Hi N,

        Thank you for your reply! Yes I mean as you said most people keep their phones nearby them 24/7. It’s like they are just testing to see if you are still interested (even if I may not be that into them, some guys take any sort of response as this “huge” sign of interest and validation)

        Then it starts all of this nonsense where I don’t feel free to communicate without any sort of “calculation” because if I continue to accept them ignoring messages, I’m allowing that behavior. I’d love to just have a normal flowing conversation with someone if they choose to communicate electronically.

  2. So you can attract a guy even if you don’t please him? Too weird. So great, they want you, but why would you want someone like that?

    When I walk away, I walk. They can be attracted or not but by that point, if I’m not trying to please him anymore, I’m DONE.

    I guess I don’t do sweet spots. :-)

    1. No, it’s not weird A, it’s really simple: Giving someone what will immediately please them is not the path to long-term respect (the obvious analogy is parent-child relationships here). To give the easy example: Guys want and chase sex A LOT. But they (generally) don’t respect a girl who will give them sex within ten minutes of conversation. Why? Because she doesn’t even know him, so he loses respect for her after having sex with her. So even though he gets an immediate desire fulfilled by getting immediate sex, he doesn’t really respect her and doesn’t develop long-term attraction for her. (Sex is just one example here but it works in other areas as well).

      One more example: Guy wants lots of attention. Girl is really busy. But she gives up tons of important things to give him an unreasonable amount of her time. The guy will get what he wants right away, but sees that she doesn’t respect herself enough to stick to her other important commitments. His respect for her goes down – he becomes less attracted because she has no boundaries.

      Hope that makes it clearer.

      Stephen x

      1. Stephen,

        I so appreciate your responses here. It’s rare to write questions in on any blog and get responses from the author, especially since I can tell you really take your time and think about the responses. I really respect your and Matt’s work.

        That said, I don’t really understand. :-/ I’ll have to take your word for it. When someone works hard to give me what I want, I’m happy. Do I respect them? Nope. But respect is earned over a long, long, long, long time for me. Like a year. I don’t expect to truly respect anyone in a few weeks. I’m happy with anyone who genuinely tries to make me happy. I don’t care if it’s early or easy.

        But I guess guys are different. It is weird to me but I can accept that how men react and how I react are two very different things.


      2. I see your point, Stephen, but I agree with the poster above, too. There are certain things where if a guy goes after them I won’t be able to respect him at all. I don’t want him to just know I have standards, I want him to share those standards!! So if he’s not on the same page and I have to draw the line about something like sexuality… that’s it. I’m will never be interested in him.

  3. I’ve been waiting for the article all day long Stephen. I guess I am addicted now. I just came back home. It’s 1a.m. Eating some cereals in my bed.
    Checking Facebook and saw it was online. The title really intrigued me, so I couldn’t wait to read it.
    The suspense was there… I really had no idea, you would talk about “Self-Respect”. I’m impressed! It makes perfectly sense once you know. This article was very well written Hussey brothers!
    Well done!
    Keep it up. I am glad to have you in my life. Confident that when I’ll meet Irish men (movin’ out to Dublin next week),if I am in doubt or concerned about anything,I’ll find advice,inspiration and solutions on your articles and/or on Matt’s videos.

    1. Thanks Noémie,

      I’m thrilled to hear you’re so hooked on the articles! That’ll keep me motivated when I’m editing them on a Tuesday evening ;)

      Good luck moving to Dublin – I really want to go see it sometime!

      Thanks for your lovely comment,

      Stephen x

  4. Well said, again. I’ve grown from my “need to please” over the years and it’s from much self-reflection and asking myself, “what do I want?”

    The last guy I dated turned making dates into texting a day before to come over. I recognized a booty call and didn’t take him up on the visit. Weeks later, I ran into him at the bar we met at and started kissing. It felt good, but when he asked that I come to see him at his home, I passed again. He hasn’t contacted me since, but here’s where it stands: I don’t want a casual affair, so I’m not going to allow a man to use me that way. If he wants to be connected emotionally and I feel that love is down the road, then he’ll have my attention.

    Self-respect. Ask yourself what YOUR needs are and stick to them. Compromise when you’ve already seen effort from someone that proves he wants to be in your life. Being “nice” is for kindergarten teachers.

    1. Love this comment Sheila! It sounds like you totally did the right thing and dodged a bullet with that guy.

      I think when most people describe themselves as ‘nice’ they generally use the word to mean being soft, or a pushover, so I agree, it’s generally a word you don’t want to be described as too often. Glad to hear you’ve learnt to think about your own needs as well.


      Stephen x

  5. This is clearly a very important topic you have put together, Matt and Stephen! Great Job! :)

    Recently this incident happened to me where I had to choose between respecting my values or pleasing this guy I was interested in. I chose the former and he realized the fact that he was dealing with someone different this time. He sincerely apologized for his mistake. He hasn’t asked me out yet after that incident. I guess he got a little intimidated but I feel great that I did not compromise my values and standards to please someone. It’s really a big lesson to learn.

    1. Excellent, good to hear Priya. Sounds like you handled the situation well. And remember – just because you communicate a standard to a guy doesn’t mean it has to be aggressive – you just have to be firm and explain your position clearly. So it shouldn’t always scare a guy off, but yes, sometimes it will anyway if the guy is looking for a relationship in which he always gets his way.

      All best,

      Stephen x

      1. Thanks Stephen! I made sure I was polite while communicating with him. I don’t generally go aggressive unless the situation requires.

        1. Yeah Priya it doesn’t sound like you were aggressive at all. I give you kudos for not being fixated on losing him. I find that more often than not even when I explain my position to a guy in a feminine way, without blame or aggressiveness, it still “scares” them off. It’s usually about how I feel regarding something related to sex brought up before i even go on a date, or making dates via texts. Basically not investing enough in me to make me feel like they’re worth going out with.

          Most guys I meet aren’t willing to respect my boundaries to the point where I have only been on a date with one guy this year, despite the fact I have met several. That’s why I always used to go out my way to please them, in fear of losing them. Other women do it for the same reasons..but it is definitely coming from the wrong place. It’s quality over quantity and most guys will be the wrong guy.

          1. Good for you, Jodi. I know exactly what you mean. Eventually, if we all stick to our guns, the “market” will change and men might actually start approaching women with respect, instead of assuming we’re waiting to get laid! :-) It will take a while for them to see that they can no longer get good women with a sleazy approach.

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