The One Secret All Desirable Women Use Even If They Aren’t Aware Of It

Stephen Hussey

Do you have a naturally attractive friend who seems to have guys chasing her, even though she doesn’t look like a stereotypical ‘perfect ten’?

How does she do it?

You could just ask her. But there’s a problem with that approach. First, it’s a weird conversation to have with a close friend. Second, even if your friend offers honest advice, it’s probably not going to be helpful. Because when it comes to attracting a member of the opposite sex, even people who are good at it don’t always understand what they are doing.

(Photo: Toni Blay)

They don’t consciously break down their method, which is why they will often give you vague slogans like “I just connect with guys and it sort of happens” or “if you just be natural and stop trying so hard guys will like you”.

You can’t use this advice, because your version of natural isn’t your friend’s version of natural. So unless you know what principles they follow, it’s impossible to replicate their results.

Today I want to open the lid on one of the most important rules that all desirable people intuitively understand, whether they are aware of it or not.

This simple rule has been proven time and time again to be one of the most universally accepted routes to become more attractive, more sought after, and more intriguing to the opposite sex.

It’s not the magic bullet, but it’s the powerful weapon that all desirable people possess in their arsenal.

And you’ll notice it everywhere once you start looking for the patterns.

What Makes Some Women Naturally Desirable?

Try to think about a friend of yours, or someone you know, who seems to just be effortlessly attractive.

She doesn’t even seem to try that hard. She just does her thing – she isn’t especially kind or generous, she doesn’t give guys special treatment or play games, and yet she seems to have no problem getting guys intrigued and wanting to chase her, to text her – she’s even had guys begging to lock her down and be exclusive.

Meanwhile, maybe you know someone else who is the opposite of this woman.

Perhaps this person is the archetypal ‘people pleaser’ – she tries extremely hard, she doesn’t make waves, she is quick to agree with anything a guy says in order to force a connection, she is always around to ‘just hang out’ if he wants to. Oh, and she also can’t ever seem to keep a guy interested.

What is the difference between these two women?

Many will be tempted to read these contrasting examples cynically. They’ll say that it just proves the old adage: Treat them mean, keep them keen.

They’ll conclude that the lesson is that a woman should actively try to be unavailable, indifferent, or even aloof to the charms of men in order to peak a guy’s interest. Which is an enormous mistake, because it means jumping straight from one unattractive behaviour (excessive people pleasing) straight to another (excessive coldness and game-playing).

All the while they are missing the beautiful sweet spot in between these two extremes.

They are missing what the girl in our first example was sub-communicating that the second girl wasn’t: Self-Respect.

See, there is no single method that will guarantee that a guy falls in love with you.

There is, however, one secret that serves as the essential foundation for attraction, and without which you’ll never truly be able to keep a great guy interested.

The secret is this: Naturally desirable people, when given the option, choose being respected over being liked.


Being Liked Vs. Being Respected

Naturally desirable women are not people pleasers.

That’s not to say they aren’t pleasing to be around. But they do not set out in every interaction to be liked. They don’t compromise on how they treat their friends in order to spend more time with a guy.

They will make the difficult choice to prioritize more important things, like their career or their family, or even just their own standard of respect, rather than trying to just stay in rapport with a guy. They won’t bend their own beliefs. They can walk away. They communicate their needs in a calm, assertive way.

People often confuse this, and think that respect means they have to become a try-hard and aggressively assert their independence and strength at all opportunities.

But respect isn’t about gaining power and being competitive. It is about doing what feels right to you, and not apologizing for it. Even if a guy disagrees, he’s going to respect you in that moment for sticking to your standards.

This doesn’t mean that everyone has to have the same standard. Some people’s standards for respect mean they will only sleep with someone after 6 months, for others it’s 3-4 dates, for others it’s whenever they want. The standard itself doesn’t matter. What matters is that a guy sees you conform to whatever your standard happens to be.

It doesn’t mean either that he will always accept that standard. For many guys six months would be too long to wait to have sex. But there’s one guarantee: he’ll lose respect, and eventually attraction for you, if he feels like you are compromising something that is important to you.

For example, a guy might like it in the moment when you sleep with him on a first date. But if he feels like it was something you only did to make him happy, but which violated your own standard for sexual intimacy, he’ll start to feel less attracted to you as a long-term partner (EDIT: of course, if you want have sex on a first date, and don’t have any strict rules about it, then go for it ;) ).

This is not a prescription telling you not to have sex on a first date (though there are pragmatic reasons not to e.g. needing time to get to a better read on the person and know what they are looking for, allowing things to develop gradually and build some anticipation). Rather, it simply says that compromising our standards, even a little, to stay in rapport with someone you like is a false path to attraction.

This is because being liked in the moment is not the same as generating long-term attraction. Period.

Is it possible to be respected and liked at the same time? Of course.

But is it possible for a guy to be attracted long-term if he likes you but doesn’t respect you? No way.

A guy can totally enjoy spending time with you, have fun in your company, but if he gets the weird vibe that he gets ‘special treatment’ just because you are attracted to him, he instantly sees you as less desirable.

This is what we mean when we say guys value what they earn. It’s not that guys don’t LOVE attention, affection, and being prioritized. It’s that they want to feel like they have earned that status.

High Value women understand that just being agreeable is not attraction. Attraction can come from those moments when a guy tests the boundaries and just sees that they exist.

To put it simply: pleasing a guy and attracting a guy don’t always go hand in hand. Often they do, but sometimes they don’t.

And when they don’t, a sophisticated woman always knows which one to choose.


(Back to Matt)

If you enjoyed that and want to learn how to quickly become a High Value Woman that men can’t resist, go watch this video I created for you

87 Responses to The One Secret All Desirable Women Use Even If They Aren’t Aware Of It

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  1. Phil says:

    Interesting article – respectfully disagree (see what I did there) ;)

    All men are different as are all women.

    Yes, there can be discreet and overlapping subsets within each group, the thing is they all have their initial preferences, some are looking for inner beauty, some are looking for outer beauty, some want a play/recreation partner, some want a sex partner (maybe for procreation, maybe for intimate play), some want to be saved, others want to do the saving, some want a spiritual person, others want a pragmatist, and some want status, so they can look good.

    A lot of it depends on what they saw, were taught and learned from those around them as they grew up. They saw particular relationships, perceived them as successful or not, and made decisions (mostly unconscious) as to whether that’s what they would then emulate (we are creatures that copy/emulate behaviours that we perceive will advance our survival, and avoid those we perceive will decrease personal survival))

    In the echelon that I am part of, what really stands out is a person who is vulnerable (by sharing deeply of themselves, not vulnerable in the sense as in ‘needs a place to live’), and also a person who knows their values and chooses to consistently live by their values, in a moral and ethical way.

    While I believe being attracted to someone who shows there vulnerability is a a universal trait (note: I said this is my belief, not a fact), I definitely see that some people want security through having a partner that makes $$$$$, or something else….

    Me, I want security from a partner that knows themself, who lives their values, who is honest, kind, giving and growthful, and we share similar beliefs on what being human actually means and entails.

    Contrast what attracts me to a woman, to a person who finds themself in a street gang doing criminal activities regularly, and also to the woman that finds herself attracted to this type of male.

    I also value health and fitness, so if a person smokes or takes drugs, they are excluded from my consideration unless they are willing to live a life closer to their own values of health and fitness, rather than ignore them.

    Because for me (not everyone), a person who shows major slipping up in one area of their values, could easily mean slipping up in another, just as important areas. And that causes problems for everyone further down the road.

    Best wishes to all,

    I highly recommend you do a values check (write down your ‘towards values’ and your ‘away-from values’ (anti-values)).

    And get your prospective partner to do theirs, and discuss them and how they meet them, and explain how you meet yours, and discuss expectations over how achieving them together in a relationship and partnership would look. That’s really the best long-term compatibility check IMHO.

    Best wishes to all

  2. Ashley says:

    This is such an interesting topic because it seems to apply to so many people. The idea is to have more self respect but there’s a reason or reasons why people don’t. And it seems like the struggle becomes, “this makes sense and I want this to be me but HOW do I achieve it?” Or “I am this but it doesn’t work, what gives?” The short answer to either question is that it involves some (or a lot of) digging, but the process isn’t as straightforward. This is a great article to get the wheels turning. I would love to see links to additional information that could help people unpack this a little more for themselves. It makes me think of a “choose your own ending” type of format where the link can begin to lead an individual through the process of problem solving their particular circumstance(s). It would elevate the reader experience by making it more interactive. Typically, people read an article and have questions in real time but either there’s no seamless way to find the answers so the questions go unanswered. You can post a comment or question but then it just kind of sits in the ether ‍♀️. Thank you for writing and posting Stephen!

  3. Sharon says:

    The story is sound similar to my story. Who is the writer


    M Robert

  4. Selin says:


    I completely agree on how to be perceived as someone respects themselves and seeks to be respected too. For me it is my natural state but…My experience with this is — when I set boundaries either in a flirty and funny way or a bit more seriously when necessary or when something is violated repeatedly-, men show dislike or they think we would be incompatible or most of the times they tell me how I should change about this subject. I am a bit discouraged talking to men, I end up feeling alone and disrespected. Can you maybe make a video on when to stop talking to men, when to be flexible when to continue talking when to stop talking permanently etc? Many thanks Matthew! ;)

  5. Jane says:

    If a guy is special to you, why wouldn’t you want to treat/show him he’s special to you?

  6. Michelle Luttman says:

    It’s “pique his interest,” not “peak his interest.”

  7. Ruby says:

    If I already messed up – I let him know that I was making allowances and giving him special treatment / compromising my usual dating rules for him – is it too late to undo the damage? I haven’t seen him since our last weekend together six weeks ago and I haven’t contacted him (or him me) in the last three weeks. If he reaches out, can I start again it has he lost respect for me completely?

  8. Susan says:

    I’m in a LDR with a man that first persued me. We are in different countries It’s been over three months now. He has a very demanding job and I’ve always been supportive. Given him his space but I’ve noticed lately the time spent on communication is dwindling. I said that maybe we need space until he is free but he said no. I’m not as happy. A little confused. He is missing nights now where he doesn’t call. How can I bring him back without over daunting on him

  9. Annabel ndunge says:

    please nottify me to receive updates

    • MH Support says:

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  10. Rebecca says:

    Matthew I’d love for you to do some advice on how to rekindle a marriage. You give such good suggestions and advice for dating, I really could use advice on sexual attraction and chemistry after being married for 19 years!!!!!!

  11. Monica says:

    Please, how do I subscribe to this blog, so I may receive updates?

    Thank you.

    • Mars says:

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      • Brieanna says:

        Mars, do you know if Matt reads these?? Or should I send correspondence another way? He needs to know his contribution as I see it! :D

        • MH Support says:

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  12. Tanvi says:

    It’s a wise technique. Maintaining a balance is often a challenge in itself. Thanks for the worthy advice.

  13. Mara says:

    I don’t disagree with you about the differences between being liked and being respected. What trips me up is the stigma surrounding sex. What if you are genuinely attracted to a man and you also have a healthy appetite for sex? Are you suppose to deny your basic sexual desires and instincts to have sex in order to facilitate someone viewing you as respectable? Can a woman be a “High Value” woman and remain true to her own sexual proclivities?

    There is also the dilemma of getting to know someone before engaging in sex because of the emotional and psychological responses connected to the act of sex. They might be sexually compatible but nothing else between them. Did you not say that women will see 40% of what they want in a man and make up the other 60%? It seems to me that sex would only deepen the contrast of those statistics.

    I love what you say, Matt, but it seems so complicated for women. It feels like there is a set of rules (or do’s and don’ts) to attract a man and to have him pursue you. It is particularly vexing for women who are more direct and who lack the finer details of flirting and/or playing a cat and mouse game. Such a woman might not ever excel in this art form of attracting a man and keeping him interested. Communication and similar interests seem like key components. Although, I do see where opposites attract. In the end there needs to be a solid foundation that keeps two people interested in each other. Too much friction can, over time, tear apart attraction and even love.

    • Jake says:

      It depends on the man in short. The Madonna/whore complex is a blight over both sexes. Women repress their natural desires because Victorian era values still linger. I’m not saying play it fast and loose, but if a man doesn’t get that women have desire too it will never work. For example, say you’re in a long term relationship with a guy and that you waited 6 dates before sex. Then, one night at dinner with him and friends a college story comes up that involved a one night stand. A man with a Madonna/whore complex will immediately flip you from Madonna to whore. Its so entrenched that its subconscious for the most part, and it causes resentment i.e. “she made me wait 6 dates but gave it up to some random guy that easily?!” Tread carefully and good luck.

  14. Easter Noda says:

    There are lots of so called ” relationship gurus” but I always keep coming back to you.

    You give us information that becomes “Ahhh… I get it!”

    Thank you for being the top in your field – I always get a better understanding of men when I read your materials

  15. Not an Intimidating Woman says:

    Now, how do I interpret my situation?

    A coworker at work admitted to my direct coworker that he liked me, but said he was afraid to make a move (such as asking me out, because he didn’t want to affect our professional relationship at work). He had told me I’m adorable and a nice person.

    However, he would flirt with me I’m text messages, complimented on my body, saying things that were sexually implicated. I didn’t completely go with the flow, but didn’t present a cold blocking wall.

    For example, he texted me something about slapping and biting my butt. I responded something like “Sounds like a good plan, but too bad we don’t know each other that well.” Because I don’t just sleep with anyone. I did know him at work for 3 or 4 months at that time, but I didn’t really “know” him, because he doesn’t talk to me a lot, even if I was really into a conversation with him (common interests, etc.)

    So, my question is, I kept my standards, but an open mind, but he never moved further action. WHY?? Does he enjoy women with no standards? Or are women with standards actually more intimidating than desirable? Or does it depend on the guy’s mental maturity?

    He ended up being with one of his ex girlfriends (according to a female source but not too reliable, because is gossipy and rumor producing.)

    This guy told me that he didn’t have good experience with his ex’es and said things about wanting a loyal woman, so I assume all his ex’es cheated, but he chose one of them (if the source of info was correct). AND what’s more, that ex works at our company too, although she was per diem.

    • Mara says:

      Interesting scenario. The world behind someone’s eyes is an interesting place. People who have been betrayed or cheated on can be particularly challenging. The more they are interested in someone the more they might fear being hurt or rejected. Sometimes this can lead to misinterpretation of actions or communication.

    • Su says:

      May be he gets off on sending dirty messages to women even if he has no intention of any more than that.

  16. Kristin Loganbill says:

    You are insightful and I greatly appreciate your wisdom! Thank you!
    (BTW, I believe it’s “pique” not “peak” someone’s interest )

  17. m says:

    Matt can you please do an article about the Madonna/Whore complex!???

  18. Smudgie says:

    Excellent piece Stephen. Solid advice and superbly well-written. Thank you.

  19. t says:

    I am experiencing this with a guy I work with. He clearly says he does not want a relationship, which of course I now realize he does not want one with me. Working together is difficult; we are very attracted to each other, but it is hard for me to put the brakes on him (I have tried a couple of times). He is a great guy, funny and handsome, but I know I am too giving and “nice”. I had not been in a relationship for 9 years and when he put the moves on me after several months of flirting at work, we went out and I did not stick to my standards. I regret that because this is a guy I would love to be with for the long haul. We are very good friends, but I know it is not a true relationship. I have stopped the sex and we are still good friends.

  20. Hayley says:

    Thank you Stephen this advice is so huge.

    I have personal experience with this. I always was the “nice girl” and didn’t stick to my standards. I let guys lead the interactions. It wasn’t until after reading “get the guy” and listening to matts videos and reading the book “boundaries”-which I think EVERY woman should read, it’s amazing-that I was able to truly stick to my standards and meet an incredible guy!

    That’s not to say that I haven’t failed multiple times. I lost a lot of guys when I stuck to my guns and communicated my self respect. But that’s ok! You don’t want those men anyway! For years I lived in fear that if I used boundaries or said that I was upset with them or communicated that their behaviour was not ok, that they would walk away. And sometimes they do. But that’s good-because I’ve realized that if a man does that-I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him Anyway! I want a man who respects me and does not spook when I communicate my standard. And if he does-he’s not right for me anyway!

    I’ve communicated my boundaries consistently with my new bf, and he has as well, for example when he wants to go to yoga class and needs to get up early he will tell me that he would like to hang out another night because he values his health and it’s important to him. I’ve actually learned a lot from him about sticking to my values. Initially I’m frustrated, but guess what? I respect him MORE. And I’m certain that’s how a guy feels when you do the same thing.

    Ladies-please do not be afraid to upset him, or stick to your boundaries. Be strong in your beliefs and value systems and the right guy will come. My relationship is stronger and healthier than any relationship I’ve been in, and not only does he adore
    Me but he respects me, and that’s huge.

    Thank you Stephen and Matt for being such great coaches. I’ll continue to watch your videos and learn!

  21. Angela Goungo says:

    I Have been seeing a man for a month. We have been intimate, I gave him a Christmas card and very small gift. He mailed me a card, nothing written in it and not even my name was on the card. Made no plans to see me for the holidays and only sees me one day a week. I believe the flame has gone out. Help!

  22. Arianna says:

    High value women, ftw! ;)

    Babes in total control of themselves. I certainly agree, Steve.


  23. Laura says:

    How/when do you communicate your standards? Especially if they are old-fashioned, like I do not feel comfortable kissing someone on the first date if we have only spent a couple hours together in person. When should I bring this up? I know you and Matt have mentioned that a man’s sexual desirability is very important to him. I went out with a guy a few weeks ago and even though I felt like it went well I didn’t kiss him and he didn’t reply to my text thanking him until I reached out again later. Have I damaged things irreparably?

    • Hayley says:

      Matt has a great script on sex on a first date but I think it applies here. If he tries to kiss you, say “This is hard because I am really attracted to you, but i don’t usually move that fast/kiss on the first date. But how about you take me out for dinner next week?”. Then you could smile and put your hand on his arm, or something else that communicates that you like him. If he doesn’t try and kiss you I don’t think you even need to bring it up. Just keep being fun and warm and lovely and show him your attracted to him. Hope that helps!

  24. Georgina says:

    Wow this is good insight and advice. Thanks

  25. Houriya says:

    Genius, GENIUS !!!!!!!!!
    I lost a lot of female “friends” because I coudn’t give them the reasons why some guys were intrested in me ..

    but reading this woooow! everything is clear now

  26. Katie Roemer says:

    Hello! Completely loved this article. Its true without exception. I found this truth out by accident years ago. I had friendships with men but before long they would pull me aside and admit their feelings had grown and we’re seeking something deeper with me. The issue that remained was that I still viewed them as a nice guy that clearly I had no intention of dating. This kept reoccurring to no avail and honestly; I almost couldn’t believe it. The men I meet all say ” you are so different from other women, there is just something about you! ” Its that “something ” that here in the article is respect. Not arrogance. The hang up with us as women Is when we fall hard and that special man knows this ;then uses this as his leverage for a selfish one-sided situation. At this point it is a situation because a relationship is only created when two people contribute. Yet when we allow our respect and boundaries to be stripped from us we are basically saying it’s okay to treat me as You see fit! Then the relationship is more like a dictatorship. Hold yourself high. Life is not a race it’s an experience and the right man views this the same way only they know if you hlid your own value they have something to value in that experience! Thank you for this fantastic article! I look forward to more of these. Truly a delight!

  27. SW says:

    This is one important thing that I keep coming back to in my life, and trying to focus on this whether or not it’s in a relationship or how I feel about myself. I envision kids on a playground and can pick out those who are bullies, and those who are desperate for attention. The bullies are grown up now and still here, and unfortunately the playground teacher is no longer out there with us….. so I’d have to say it’s just time to stand up and take a look around and respect what you believe in, and for who you are. R.E.S.P.E.C.T! (anybody remember that song?) Definitely something to work on in life. Thanks! – See more at:

  28. Lindsey says:

    When I was reading this, I had this vision of you in my head walking around, moving things, tweaking things. I seriously did. Sometimes I feel like you can read my mind or what you write is specifically for me, so that’s amazing.

    I really appreciated you speaking on sex and what you had to say about it. This clarified a lot of things for me. I’m okay with my standards and I don’t have to worry about anyone else. Period.

    So, with you being in my head, a possible spoof for 5 of you might be ‘Inside Out.’ Have you seen it? My 4 year old loves it. Five miniature people are inside this little girl controlling her emotions. They represent joy, fear, anger, disgust, and sadness. You, Matthew, John, Michael, and Billy could all be in a woman’s brain narrating her emotions as she goes on a date <3

    Btw It was hilarious when you said to Matthew – Oh, I'm going to lay down. I need an audience of 200 ppl. – on periscope. I laughed really hard.

  29. Emily says:

    “They will make the difficult choice to prioritize more important things, like their career or their family, or even just their own standard of respect, rather than trying to just stay in rapport with a guy. They won’t bend their own beliefs. They can walk away. They communicate their needs in a calm, assertive way.”

    I didn’t think it would be that difficult to not sell yourself short. But at the moment I find it extremely challenging to hold to my standards and values. But you are helping me in reminding me that respecting myself is the most important when my body, heart and brain don’t speak the same language. Thanks!

  30. Heather says:

    This post just changed my life. This doesn’t just apply to “getting the guy.” It applies to everyone: people respect those who stand by their standards.

  31. Claudia Maria Christoph says:

    ohhhh booooaaaaahhhh ,,,, this exactly is it, thank you Steve soooo much and you Matthew too.
    I had a short relationship with a man who was very disappointed and wounded by his ex. He loved my warmth and my loving presence and told me, he wants me sooo much. Even planned to move together and to spend the Christmas holidays at my brothers house in Sweden. He said that he needs intimacy with me. I didn´t want to first, it was too fast for me, but I felt pity with him and I agreed. He even did some things to me but made me feel guilty with it, he claimed to have the same amazing mindblowing sex again and again and then I said, No! Love is no deal, love is a gift! I even got sick, very sick with this but I know that the sickness is only a cry for help of the soul. And we should decode this cry, so I found out that I got to tell him the truth and take a stand for my needs and desires of a warm and loving relationship. (By the way, wonderhealing within one day was the result :))))I invited him for Christmas but without sex. He told me how disappointed he is and said, that he won´t come.
    I felt sooo bad and used and I was looking for the reasons I have done wrong.
    But fortunately you have shown me that I was right. I only feel guilty and ashamed because of my kids. They realize now that I was with a man who didn´t take our relationship seriously. But right now, my little one is sooo cheerful and trying to get me out of the computer space to play with him :)) And my elder son is hugging me right now. So ok, to all ladies outthere: Stick to your standards, even when you have a compassion filled heart like mine! Your love is first for yourself and your kids! Thanks again Matt and Steve for saving my day and a big loving and compassionate hug for all wonderful precious women and men of course who were in the same situation

  32. Elizabeth G. says:

    Stephen- To preface, I always enjoy you articles and your writing style. In regards to the whole GTG cannon…I find it difficult that there seems to be so many rules to remember, most days I am happy that I remembered to brush my teeth and not forget to get the kids from daycare. Like I said your articles are lovely (because of them I have started following your wordpress stuff too :) and Matthews videos are always inspiring (when there not being completely silly) but in those clutch moments with people I find there are too many things to try and remember, and therefore I abandon ship completely.

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  35. Pilar Larssen says:

    “(EDIT: of course, if you want have sex on a first date, and don’t have any strict rules about it, then go for it ;) ).This is not a prescription telling you not to have sex on a first date (though there are pragmatic reasons not to e.g. needing time to get to a better read on the person and know what they are looking for, allowing things to develop gradually and build some anticipation).”

    Dear Stephen,

    I don’t understand how anything good can come from sleeping with ANY guy on the first date. If someone is reading your blog or coming to you for advice, I believe they are looking for certainty and conviction. I obviously haven’t read EVERYTHING you and brother have written (I have read and watched A LOT though). However in the comment I quoted above, it seems like your advice is very wishy-washy. In fact, it actually feels like you are trying to please the men here by not giving women a “PRESCRIPTION” about when to sleep with a man. Whether it be 2 dates or 2 months. I think at least ONE cardinal rule would help ALL women. Don’t sleep with a man on the FIRST date. I think it would save a lot of heartache. Just sayin’ (P.S. This is the first time I have EVER commented on an article..I respect you both and just felt compelled to reply.)

    Always open to learn…
    Pilar (Miami, FL)

    • JJ says:

      Most of my long term relationships 1-3 years, I slept with the guy on the first date. I knew them for a little bit, a few months before our first date but I slept with them because I wanted to for me no them. Of course I am mind blowing(as well as other parts) in the sack so within the next 24 hours these guys wanted to be exclusive with me.

      These relationships ended on my terms as time grew by I realized they were not the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with so I broke it off. They still call and have repeatedly asked to marry them but they are just not compatible for me and my values and lifestyle.

      So sex on the first date can work if one is not doing it to please or keep the guy she is with. If you have sex and take charge for your own orgasm, he can tell you are sleeping with him for your pleasure not his. This makes a man turned on to know that his body is a major turn on for you. Not that you are trying to please him.

    • Jen says:

      Hi Pilar,

      Reading your comments made me feel compelled to say something similar to your views about sleeping on the first date. What good can come out of it? For me it has been the topic of having an affair – what good can come out of this one? And yet people are ok with it not just one time but many times. If you ask me, my opinions would be so different from those of my friend that unfortunately I would have to respect her opinions on the matter. At the end of the day, you need to know what works best for you because the opinions and/or advice of others may not agree with yours.

    • Claudia Maria Christoph says:

      Yes I agree, it is too short time to know each other, our souls would never feel comfortable with this … you are right Pilar.

    • L says:

      One rule doesn’t work for everyone – we are all different. Stephen is saying it’s about each woman’s individual standard. No one can tell you what you are okay with. You have to figure out what your standard is and then not break it, but it’s not a magic formula. In culture, religion, and sexually, everyone is different. It’s attractive to men when women know their standard and hold to it – that’s the hard and fast rule.

    • Ava says:

      I would tell you about my best friend who has been with her (now husband) for 10 years and they slept together on the first date. They have the best marriage of anyone I know. So sometimes I think you just have that connection right away and there are no rules about life.

  36. S says:

    I totally understand standards, in fact i have always followed my standards and my man has respected me. We got married almost two years ago. A couple months ago I noticed he was watching porn constantly, with his construction crew in the truck they all watched it for an hour on the way to the job site and an hour back to the shop. I started to see him watch it at home all the time. I am sure he watched it before our relationship but when we got together porn was something he never watched. Maybe it is technology or the men he works with. It is not something I agree with though and we have talked about it calmly and he said he won’t give it up. Is that normal? How do I stick with my standards when we have a child together and he doesn’t respect my wishes? I tried to see if something similar to this was in your blog however I am not sure it is a topic. I don’t need to be with him however I choose to be with him. I don’t know if I should tell him to watch all the porn he wants or fight for my standards or not sure of any other option. i am willing to fight for our marriage. I think I just need your opinion. Maybe you should show me a different view or give me some great advice. I really need it. By the way, I am still very attractive I weight 115 with blonde hair blue eyes, proportioned correctly and have other men flirt with me.

    • La says:

      Show him some studies? For example, the Cambridge Study (Internet porn addiction mirrors drug addiction) or/and the UK documentary “Porn on the Brain”. (more info here: yourbrainonporn. com/)

      It’s a tough one. You can’t force him to stop, and even if you’ll try to accept it, you’ll always resent him inside you.

      Great article.

    • AspieCatholicgirl says:

      He’s not doing this because of anythign you did wrong. He’s doing it because his work buddies are doing it, because the fact that they watch it when going to work means he can’t escape the exposure, and because he got sucked into it.

    • Katie Roemer says:

      S.. I clearly understand your feelings. You are also correct in saying that there are not a lot of articles on this topic.I lived through a marriage like this. He and I we’re together for 8 years and something changed. I caught him with pictures printed out of porn. He’d watch it late at night when he knew I was sleeping. To answer just this porn topic… it’s true you can’t “change ” it! My thoughts are one. Value. If you let it go you ate handing your value away. If you say something /bring it up in an angry upset manner he loses more respect and value for you because now you are nagging and telling him what to do. Even if he’s not acting upon it now S. I feel it will lead to more problems if not addressed properly by your standards. In a marriage this is important! Calmly tell your spouse that your aware his buddies on the way to work watch porn but that it is hurtful and demeaning. Tell him you know he’s better than that. This way you are saying you understand but don’t agree and then are reinforcing it with a positive about how you view “his ” character. If it’s gets intense S. Staying calm and just saying ” I thought more of you than this. “Yes this may not sit right with him but watching porn doesn’t sit right with you. Using the other men are subjecting me too it is an excuse! He is a man. He can choose! That’s like saying a fast food joint made me eat fatty foods so I gained weight! Really! S.. I went through this and of course I realize all situations have differences but this is pretty common thread! I know you feel a bit angry, betrayed and probably feel like why do you have to watch that when you have me? I’ve been there! S.. don’t keep on this way. Never stay together for a child either (not that I’m saying leave ) but it just teaches them that your willing to put up with disrespect. Even if your child is little they grow up knowing! I have 4 girls. Two young adults,two teenagers. I know how they feel about watching a man disrespect their mother. I also get it when you said your still attractive. I’m about 115 lbs and used to be a model. I’ve retained that figure but he didn’t care. S.. my situation took a bad turn which led to other addictions such as drugs and cheating with a girl a few years older than my daughter. I held on to “work through it ” for two years and it wasn’t until the day I said fine! Ill give you what you want,but I’ll have no more of this!” Sad.. but the love of my life. Best friend in which we shared everything was no longer the man I knew. After this he got scared.. chased me around, bought me flowers and apologized profusely! Cards of love and I’all make it all up to you! S.. this may not happen to you but I’m sharing this because I want to help. I didn’t recognize what the proper steps in the beginning we’re to diffuse the inevitable for me. So.. Stay strong. Don’t lose your cool. Think about who you are. Why what your husband is doing feels wrong. When you’ve cleared this with yourself stand firm on your conclusion. Respect goes both ways! No one should be a doormat. If a reminder of who you both were when you first got together doesn’t work then don’t reward poor treatment or behavior! Huge mistake! Just remember your value. If he loves and respects you.. he will take the initiative to change it. Ride to work separate. Get a different job.If these last few suggestions don’t work.. then ask him why it’s so important to hurt your wife to “look good ” in front of the boys? Yes.. boys not men. A man will naturally have these urges! But last I checked they made a choice and vow to a woman which includes respect and can control what he does with his mind and body! Think.. breathe.. stick to your boundaries. Be brief ( unlike myself ) and to the point. Be kind but don’t reward this behavior. Praise his positive attributes. If it continues after you’ve done this.. consider what’s coming.. it is usually not good. S.. I hope this helps. I have lots of thoughts on this. I’m even writing a book. Let me know what’s happened and maybe I can she’d better light on this. I have faith in you!

  37. sara says:

    I initiated a conversation with a guy through text messaging, he texted back and we talk through text a couple of times( he seemed interested) , then he stopped texting. should i text him anymore, or how long should i wait before I give up on him?

  38. M says:

    I have a question I am confused about.
    I sent a guy an email asking him to lunch and he didn’t answer. There’s a good chance I’ll see him around.
    How should I act when I see him?

    • H says:

      That’s a great question.

      I think one would argue that, if he didn’t answer you, he is not truly respecting you, and doesn’t really care about you. So you shouldn’t value him too much, which is hard.. Or maybe he hasn’t read your email..

      When I am in that situation, I try to act as if I didn’t notice he didn’t reply but I still am friendly and warm. Is it the right behavior though, I don’t really know..

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Be completely normal. Just as friendly and fun as before. Who knows? He might not have seen it in time.

      If worst case scenario, he doesn’t want to go – so what – just have him as a friend and move on to someone else. Sometimes it’s good just to take a small risk, get an answer, and then just carry on without any harm done. I think you did it just right – now just be cool about it and don’t mention it. Go have lunch with your friends. If he likes you he’ll try to rearrange. If not, nothing lost.


      Stephen x

  39. Shawnna says:

    This post is perfect timing for a situation I’m currently dealing with. I am in a new dating situation (7 weeks) in which I made the unfortunate mistake of not communicating my needs upfront. And I started letting him get away with bad behavior (not returning calls, or minimal effort on planning dates). And yes I didn’t say anything for fear of scaring him away. Now I have my backbone, my self-respect and I’m ready to stand up for myself but I don’t know how to do it. Is it too late? I’m ready to walk away from the situation if my needs aren’t being met but to be fair I haven’t even communicated what they are AND I’ve given him the indication that I’m ok with the bad behavior. Do I give him the chance to try and meet my needs? And if so, HOW do I communicate those needs now? Specific suggestions would be FANTASTIC. Thanks!

  40. kish says:

    I have a lot of self respect but I do not have a man in life. Not that I would give up self-respect for a man but I have seen in most relationships that the girl has to give up a little of her self-respect to be with a man. Most self-respecting women I know (beautiful or not, feminine or not, successful and intelligent or otherwise) are single and refuse to compromise. If not single, they usually become single because the men keep hurting their self-respect and expect them to be submissive.

    I’m confused. I have not seen this is real life. But I have seen that those who maintain their self-respect are happier whether or not they are in a relationship. Their relationships are also of better quality, should they manage to find a man who respects them.

    • Fembot says:

      I have to agree with this, on balance. This article is good to confirm that you’ll find a better relationship if you are true to yourself…Your partner will know you and your boundaries better–a win-win. However, the culture is so preferential to men (at least where I live) that I see highly self-respecting women making huge accommodations along the way…

      There’s a fine line between adjusting to another person in the name of Love (which you must do in marriage) and foregoing your undiluted self-respect…

  41. Daria says:

    Is this really true? I know one couple who completely contradicts this principle. In this relationship, the girl seems to always do and say what she thinks the guy would like. She even admitted that she never has her own opinions in this relationship because she hates conflict. Even at the very beginning she wasn’t respecting herself: she cooked full dinners for this guy and now she even cleans his apartment (they don’t live together). I don’t understand this relationship. She does everything to please him and is extremely agreeable yet he is head over hills for her and they seem to be very happy. They’re together for almost two years now. How can this relationship work? How can he respect her? Is he blind or something? I would really appreciate your answer Stephen. I’m completely lost and confused about this issue.

  42. Kathryn says:

    You are right, it is a secret as it’s quite an intuitive trait. I think a desirable woman especially needs to recognise this level of self-respect if she is also quite a feminine person. I’m an ultra feminine lady and a lot of men can mistake this for equalling a submissive person who is not assertive. I was having dinner recently and one of the men cut into my conversation to state, ” the only people who get results are those that shout the loudest”. I was incensed as this is not what I’m about at all. A much calmer, thoughtful, strategic approach is what’s needed.
    Only give Matthew some of the credit Stephen. I don’t know how you keep coming up with such great material every week but we love it.
    Kathryn X
    PS I worked in a very macho environment once where the new girls were actually score-carded on arrival. I was later told I scored 10 with another girl. I was blissfully unaware and quickly promoted to work on the all male scoring section where we all worked as a great team. The other 10 girl who became my friend, but clearly knew she was a perfect ten stayed entry level and worked her way round the office jerks. Not done purposely but glad I retained my self-respect, lol.

  43. Leecis says:

    I find if I am conciously walking that tightrope, it means I need to return my attention back to my high value woman training.

  44. N says:

    Can’t thank you enough for these amazing blogs. There’s a guy I have been talking to for about 8 months now. A few weeks back he suddenly asked me to spend some time with me, he did it twice on which I said yes. But when I got free finally and got back to him and asked what day he wanted to do that, he said he wasnt serious about it.
    I felt like an idiot, I have been maintaining my distance with him. Please suggest what should I be doing

    • N says:

      I was being self respecting I didnt cancel my prior engagements for this guy and he simply shut me down isnt that unfair. I guess guys like gals who say no instead, saying yes means the chase is over whatever the case

      • Katie says:

        You should be able to say yes without it some idiot guy saying that he wasn’t that serious about hanging out. He’s either playing some stupid game or he’s nervous about hanging out and is trying to play it cool. Tread carefully with him, I’d recommend, if he’s serious about you he will eventually make solid plans but don’t waste your life away by waiting for him. However, if he is shy, if you stop showing interest, he may take it as a cue to move on or to step it up.

        The ball is in his court, but you can take it back at any time, and it may not get you the man but it will certainly give you self respect

      • Jodi says:

        This seems to happen a lot! He sounds like a “hot and cold” guy so I would cut him loose. Guys like that say the want to make plans, then cancel or lose interest when you comply. I think guys like that are just seeking validation from girls because they want to feel wanted by someone. It’s a turn off. It’s good that you had other engagements. never take plans as being firm unless he sets a date, time and location.

  45. Jodi says:

    It actually annoys me a bit these days if a guy says I’m nice…I see myself as kind but don’t want to be seen as a pushover. I don’t agree with them on everything or do things just to please them. Maybe they just mean I’m polite when I express how I feel versus overly aggressive? Also how do you communicate a standard to someone who ignores a text (that they initiated) but then post replies to comments on your social media? (I typically make it a rule I don’t accept friend requests except if the guy was a friend before we date and he is on there already…) I find it disrespectful and start ignoring guys messages back when they ignore mine, but is that really enforcing a boundary or is it just game playing?

    • N says:

      Unfortunately this happens to me too all the time people are involved in this game playing where who messaged first and who replies back fast is being counted. How does it matter everyone is around their phones most times then y do all that drama

      • Jodi says:

        Hi N,

        Thank you for your reply! Yes I mean as you said most people keep their phones nearby them 24/7. It’s like they are just testing to see if you are still interested (even if I may not be that into them, some guys take any sort of response as this “huge” sign of interest and validation)

        Then it starts all of this nonsense where I don’t feel free to communicate without any sort of “calculation” because if I continue to accept them ignoring messages, I’m allowing that behavior. I’d love to just have a normal flowing conversation with someone if they choose to communicate electronically.

  46. A says:

    So you can attract a guy even if you don’t please him? Too weird. So great, they want you, but why would you want someone like that?

    When I walk away, I walk. They can be attracted or not but by that point, if I’m not trying to please him anymore, I’m DONE.

    I guess I don’t do sweet spots. :-)

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      No, it’s not weird A, it’s really simple: Giving someone what will immediately please them is not the path to long-term respect (the obvious analogy is parent-child relationships here). To give the easy example: Guys want and chase sex A LOT. But they (generally) don’t respect a girl who will give them sex within ten minutes of conversation. Why? Because she doesn’t even know him, so he loses respect for her after having sex with her. So even though he gets an immediate desire fulfilled by getting immediate sex, he doesn’t really respect her and doesn’t develop long-term attraction for her. (Sex is just one example here but it works in other areas as well).

      One more example: Guy wants lots of attention. Girl is really busy. But she gives up tons of important things to give him an unreasonable amount of her time. The guy will get what he wants right away, but sees that she doesn’t respect herself enough to stick to her other important commitments. His respect for her goes down – he becomes less attracted because she has no boundaries.

      Hope that makes it clearer.

      Stephen x

      • A says:


        I so appreciate your responses here. It’s rare to write questions in on any blog and get responses from the author, especially since I can tell you really take your time and think about the responses. I really respect your and Matt’s work.

        That said, I don’t really understand. :-/ I’ll have to take your word for it. When someone works hard to give me what I want, I’m happy. Do I respect them? Nope. But respect is earned over a long, long, long, long time for me. Like a year. I don’t expect to truly respect anyone in a few weeks. I’m happy with anyone who genuinely tries to make me happy. I don’t care if it’s early or easy.

        But I guess guys are different. It is weird to me but I can accept that how men react and how I react are two very different things.


      • Goldberry says:

        I see your point, Stephen, but I agree with the poster above, too. There are certain things where if a guy goes after them I won’t be able to respect him at all. I don’t want him to just know I have standards, I want him to share those standards!! So if he’s not on the same page and I have to draw the line about something like sexuality… that’s it. I’m will never be interested in him.

  47. Noémie says:

    I’ve been waiting for the article all day long Stephen. I guess I am addicted now. I just came back home. It’s 1a.m. Eating some cereals in my bed.
    Checking Facebook and saw it was online. The title really intrigued me, so I couldn’t wait to read it.
    The suspense was there… I really had no idea, you would talk about “Self-Respect”. I’m impressed! It makes perfectly sense once you know. This article was very well written Hussey brothers!
    Well done!
    Keep it up. I am glad to have you in my life. Confident that when I’ll meet Irish men (movin’ out to Dublin next week),if I am in doubt or concerned about anything,I’ll find advice,inspiration and solutions on your articles and/or on Matt’s videos.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Thanks Noémie,

      I’m thrilled to hear you’re so hooked on the articles! That’ll keep me motivated when I’m editing them on a Tuesday evening ;)

      Good luck moving to Dublin – I really want to go see it sometime!

      Thanks for your lovely comment,

      Stephen x

  48. Sheila says:

    Well said, again. I’ve grown from my “need to please” over the years and it’s from much self-reflection and asking myself, “what do I want?”

    The last guy I dated turned making dates into texting a day before to come over. I recognized a booty call and didn’t take him up on the visit. Weeks later, I ran into him at the bar we met at and started kissing. It felt good, but when he asked that I come to see him at his home, I passed again. He hasn’t contacted me since, but here’s where it stands: I don’t want a casual affair, so I’m not going to allow a man to use me that way. If he wants to be connected emotionally and I feel that love is down the road, then he’ll have my attention.

    Self-respect. Ask yourself what YOUR needs are and stick to them. Compromise when you’ve already seen effort from someone that proves he wants to be in your life. Being “nice” is for kindergarten teachers.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Love this comment Sheila! It sounds like you totally did the right thing and dodged a bullet with that guy.

      I think when most people describe themselves as ‘nice’ they generally use the word to mean being soft, or a pushover, so I agree, it’s generally a word you don’t want to be described as too often. Glad to hear you’ve learnt to think about your own needs as well.


      Stephen x

  49. Priya says:

    This is clearly a very important topic you have put together, Matt and Stephen! Great Job! :)

    Recently this incident happened to me where I had to choose between respecting my values or pleasing this guy I was interested in. I chose the former and he realized the fact that he was dealing with someone different this time. He sincerely apologized for his mistake. He hasn’t asked me out yet after that incident. I guess he got a little intimidated but I feel great that I did not compromise my values and standards to please someone. It’s really a big lesson to learn.

    • Stephen Hussey says:

      Excellent, good to hear Priya. Sounds like you handled the situation well. And remember – just because you communicate a standard to a guy doesn’t mean it has to be aggressive – you just have to be firm and explain your position clearly. So it shouldn’t always scare a guy off, but yes, sometimes it will anyway if the guy is looking for a relationship in which he always gets his way.

      All best,

      Stephen x

      • Priya says:

        Thanks Stephen! I made sure I was polite while communicating with him. I don’t generally go aggressive unless the situation requires.

        • Jodi says:

          Yeah Priya it doesn’t sound like you were aggressive at all. I give you kudos for not being fixated on losing him. I find that more often than not even when I explain my position to a guy in a feminine way, without blame or aggressiveness, it still “scares” them off. It’s usually about how I feel regarding something related to sex brought up before i even go on a date, or making dates via texts. Basically not investing enough in me to make me feel like they’re worth going out with.

          Most guys I meet aren’t willing to respect my boundaries to the point where I have only been on a date with one guy this year, despite the fact I have met several. That’s why I always used to go out my way to please them, in fear of losing them. Other women do it for the same reasons..but it is definitely coming from the wrong place. It’s quality over quantity and most guys will be the wrong guy.

          • Goldberry says:

            Good for you, Jodi. I know exactly what you mean. Eventually, if we all stick to our guns, the “market” will change and men might actually start approaching women with respect, instead of assuming we’re waiting to get laid! :-) It will take a while for them to see that they can no longer get good women with a sleazy approach.

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