Why do so many women allow guys to get away with treating them so carelessly??
Is it because she’s scared of losing him? Or she’s worried he’ll get annoyed if she’s too honest about her feelings?
If you’ve ever been one of those women who is always waiting for him to change his behavior, this video will transform your relationships with men forever…
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Thank you Matthew for this video. You have used the perfect words, in the perfect sequential order, with perfect logic to describe the domestically abusive relationship my sister has been in since 2011. No matter how much I say to her what you have said in your video, it is simply not registering in her mind. I am going to forward this video to her in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, your words will have some type of effect.
Here is to hope,
Iliana
Great video….this video made me cried.. because it touched something deep in me.. and I realized I really need retreat
Great vid! Couldn’t of come at more perfect time… wise words of wisdom (Not that im unfamiliar with those wise words…. but you’ve definitely got a way of putting s*@t into prospective! So thank you :D
Hey will you ever be doing a retreat in the UK or middle east?
This is an excellent video and I think you’re absolutely right about why we often accept low standards of behaviour from men. But to me you omitted a key aspect: if you’re not happy with the way you’re being treated, then in order to leave you have to be courageous enough, strong enough, secure enough to risk never ever finding another man who treats you better, and therefore being alone the rest of your life. I believe that is why most women stay, because they perceive the risk as too great. And that assessment is completely understandable. I’m in a happy relationship, but struggled for years to really connect with a decent guy who I’m attracted to and who values being in a relationship. Over half my uni friends (40+) are still single. We can all trot out horrendous dating stories if pressed and we’ve lost count of the number of men who are only in the “dating game” for what they could get for themselves short term. In short, it’s actually not crazy to conclude that there are very few great guys out there, particularly from your thirties onwards. So yes women who accept sub-optimal treatment (I’m not referring to abuse here) may not believe they “deserve” any better, but they may (very rationally) have just decided that the real risk of ending up alone, coupled with the relatively small chance of finding someone better, outweigh the benefits of leaving. Personally, I’d take the chance of being alone (I have before) but I completely understand why some would not and while yes, it’s all about fear, it’s not purely about what women believe they deserve. It’s about what they perceive to be available. Different.
You write about not having a relationship with a man as being alone and being single. They are two very different things. Being alone has such negative connotations of feeling lonely, disconnected, isolated. Whereas being single is not being married or in a long term committed relationship. Sometimes, being alone is a very positive way to be. If you have a career, passions, travel, learning, ambitions you want to see succeed, this might actually take up all your time and energy. Things you could not achieve if you were having to dilute yourself and give time and attention to a relationship. This is where meaningful friends come in to feel connected, not alone.
There are lots of great men around even when we are older. The problem with men is like children. They will behave badly if you let them and sometimes it’s just easier or a habit to be that way. I think the real courage for a woman is to be frank with a man. To say things or be a way that insists on good behaviour without fearing he will run away. Most of the time if he really and genuinely wants to be invested in you as a couple he will go away and think about it. He will want to step up and he is doesn’t, well?!!
These are my opinions and I’m amazed constantly by how many lovely women and friends of mine are ‘on their own’. It’s not easy by any means. But if you look at the women with the best men, the best relationships I don’t think for one minute they ever undersell themselves or believe for one minute they should be less than very happy and contented with their man.
Thanks Kathryn for your lovely & positive reply. You’re right – in my comment I did choose the word “alone” a lot! I was perhaps being a bit dramatic(!) – partly to underscore the choice that I believe a lot of women feel faced with. But you are 100% right that “single” does not have to mean “lonely”.
And yes – the real courage for a woman is to be frank with a man – totally. I shake my head thinking back to how reticent I used to be about stating what’s right and wrong for me. I almost feel like growing up in the 90s my peers and I acquired the belief that we didn’t have any right or power to call something “right” or “wrong” – we had to be cool with everything, no matter the knots it required us to tie ourselves into.
I’ve come to believe that romance is like every other part of life. Focusing too much on the outcome only causes suffering on the journey. You have to focus on the practice, on showing up every day, loving yourself, those around you and life itself. Because those are the fundamentals of happiness whether you’re in a relationship or out.
If I could go back 10 years I’d be much warier of online dating because although it works for some, it can be a seductive “quick fix” and a massive distraction from the inner work that may need to be done.
I do stand by my point that many women who put up with sub-optimal treatment may in fact believe they deserve something better. However, they weigh up the pros and cons and make a calculated decision to stick with what they have, because they see little to no evidence that “better” exists. That’s just pragmatism and no-one should judge it.
I liked Matthew’s video, but in my opinion he should have pointed out that a woman will never be fully effective in setting and enforcing standards for men’s treatment of her, unless she has fully accepted the risk of being single for the rest of her life.
IF you can’t accept the risk of being single, how will you ever be able to walk away every time you should?
Could you do a video on what to do if your questioning whether or not to continue to be in a long-term serious relationship? I know it’s an issue for a lot of women because there are whole forums of girls asking what t they should do if their boyfriends are super sweet and treat them really well but after 2 to 3 years they’re just not attracted to them anymore. I personally don’t want to crush him, because we’ve built our lives around each other and I do love him, and his family. It’s just that there’s no fire and if I’m honest there never has been. He was just so easy to date. But I feel like I can’t break up with him because he’s perfect and I don’t want to be constantly dissatisfied and turn into some pathological serial dater.
I dated a guy for 3 months and I always had to initiate conversation with him via texting. He wouldn’t call unless I asked him to, he wouldn’t text me even if only to ask if my week was going well. We were intimate after the 3rd date and we enjoyed that very much. I have no regrets about that. I started to feel bad after awhile, I was no longer waking up happy when I thought of him. I began to feel apprehensive about seeing him. So I decided that the best thing to do was to lose him. This would give me a chance to venture out and find someone that would value me more than what I was getting. I am dating again and even tho’ it hurt me to let him go, I knew in my heart it was the right thing for me to do.
I feel I would truly benefit from the Retreat, I have found myself in the same situation as in previous relationships…. giving my best to be Ghosted yet AGAIN! I truly believed this time things would be different. I’ve come to the same conculsion, that the only thing that is consistant in my failing relationships is ME this cycle has to end.
PLEASE can you hold a Retreat in England
This was almost too painful to listen to. Every other video I have taken notes and been diligent in approaching it as a study – as I would a new language or when I got my advanced credentials to teach yoga. But this hit the nail on the head so hard. Matthew is thoughtful, kind, wise and witty, brutally honest (thank god) and on-point. I’m not sure I ever could recover from the heartbreak I am in without his guidance. I have been utterly devastated….walking my neighborhood at night sobbing, pulling my hair out and swallowing my screams, then vomiting up the poison of my despair, but he is guiding me to see things from a bigger perspective. My lover has broken me – body, mind and spirit. But now I see where I went “wrong” and where I lost him. My neediness, my insecurity, even when there were red flags and when I made excuses for his behavior…had I set standards from the beginning, valued myself more…then I truly believe things would be different now. I am enviously “successful”, I am model “gorgeous”, and I am utterly bewildered by my ineptitude with Men. Matthew is saving my life, saving me from “avidya” – not stupidity, but a lack of knowledge. No one else taught me this, not even my own mother. Thank you Matthew for handing me a road map when I am so lost. Thank you for saving my heart, maybe my life.
I think I should leave him give myself a space to get myself back, if he would look for me what sould I do ?
Well, Matthew a loud shout out to you for your incredibly high EQ ! i really like your other stuff, but this video irked me a bit, nothing against you, you’re tryna help others with the basics & the incredible depths of impact basics can have on their lives, but there’s a chance of slipping up on the variety of target audience that might come across your material, not all take the same lesson in the same way, for instance, leave out the general masses who are generally enlightened by your way of percieving things, but what about the rare few who are already on the same plane as you, but possess a different set of setbacks, like my zodiac sign makes me prone to insecurities about self, rare though, more like an idiosyncracy example: now i was confident before i stumbled upon this video but now that u have broken down in a systematic way, the mechanism of trusting instincts, i found myself second guessing them while texting afyer having seen this video. I don’t know if it was deliberate or not but it does push people to enroll for the retreat program of yours, no issues even if it were deliberate cause end of the day, or should i say 5 days, the program is gonna benefit the people u may justifiably think but what about ppl like us who have no access to it whatsoever? A big hi from India :p for all i know, if you’re like me, you won’t even check the comment sections just so you can avoid negativity if any!
I’ve noticed all the couches in your videos are quite deep. Great for cuddling. I like them.
OMG I’ve been single for so long I have lowered my self worth.Three months ago I started seeing a guy I’ve known for six years (we used to work together). We had sex and nothing has changed in the three months. No real dates just movies at home. I bought ticket to a comedy show for saturday then he told me he had other plans so I exchanged the tickets for friday then he said he may not make it then either after he told me I should have bought the tickets for friday. WTF I feel so stupid for really liking this guy. Who doesn’t value me at all right now. Your are exactly right Matthew if this was happening to one of my friends I would have told her to let him go get out dueces to him. I am coming to the retreat. I will never feel like this again.