This is article #27 to be published on the Get The Guy blog from my brother Stephen. Steve helped co-write the Get The Guy book and is a wealth of knowledge on dating and relationships.
(Photo: Sascha Kohlmann)
I have to start with an apology.
This is the first time this year that my regular article hasn’t been released in its usual Wednesday spot. But I have a good reason: Matt kicked me off for this week.
(Please feel free to hurl abuse and deposit your outrage at every inbox and social media newsfeed Matt has available, should you have felt cheated at the absence of a post yesterday) ;)
I feel like the geeky school kid crying over his tarnished perfect attendance record because his mum wouldn’t let him go into school one day. But that’s basically what happened (yes, Matt is like a mother to me).
Here’s the good news though: My record for punctuality may be torn to shreds, but it’s a small price to pay when you find out exactly why Matt decided to hold back on my article this week. And the reason is because we agreed to put out something much better for you.
As you’ll have seen if you watched the new video yesterday, Matt was kind enough to give his blessing and release a document I’ve been covertly putting together since last month, something that I kept quiet because I knew it would give away a ton of his best kept secrets.
Click here to grab your free copy of this now – As I said, I’ve spent the last few weeks getting this together. It’s on a subject that’s been close to my heart for a while.
To give you a bit of a preface, it all revolves around a question I’ve been particularly curious about of late:
What makes people charismatic?
If you talk about charisma with people, I’ve noticed how they tend to become somewhat wishy-washy; they talk about some people having a ‘natural aura’ or ‘radiant energy’, as though a chosen few are born with inherited charisma flowing through their veins.
I’ve never believed this. I’ve always subscribed much more to Seth Godin’s quote that: “Charisma is not a gift, it’s a tool”.
Charisma isn’t something people are born with. It’s more like a sword you forge and constantly sharpen, ready to brandish whenever you have to strike. It’s the .45 Colt magnum you always have in your holster when the time comes (Disclaimer: guns are bad, don’t use guns…or swords for that matter) – making you unstoppable, unforgettable, unbeatable. It’s your own personal silver bullet you always have locked and loaded in the chamber ready to release (bullets are bad etc…).
Ok that’s enough weaponry metaphors. The point is, charisma is something you can acquire.
Yet everyone still labours under the idea that charisma belongs to the chosen who walk among us, those who are showered in the manna from heaven that falls upon a few lucky souls who were born to be magnetic and noticed by others.
But I’ve been lucky enough to see a lot of charismatic people (and even have one for a brother), so I’ve had many chances to see behind the curtain. And I’ve found some distinct patterns in the way they approach the world.
Here are a few. Consider these the three essential foundations that charismatic people possess (and that anyone else can begin to acquire too!):
1. They are comfortable with being noticed
Charismatic people get noticed just because they are comfortable getting noticed.
This is usually because:
(a) They don’t mind being judged (or have at least accepted it on some level)
(b) They feel like they have something worth saying
The first step in gaining influence, impact, or charisma, is getting comfortable with the attention that these things bring.
2. They understand that big change comes from small things
People with charisma understand the advice of Freakonomics’ Steven Dubner to “think small”. That is, they understand that tiny changes, in their voice, language, style, gestures and conversation can enact the grandest effects on those around them.
Believe it or not, charismatic people, whether they are aware of it consciously or subconsciously, understand that they only need to do things a tiny bit different from everyone else to make themselves completely stand out from the crowd. They learn these tiny differences and put them to use every single time they have to make an impact in conversation, in a meeting, in an interview, and yes, in their love life too.
3. They know their own buttons for ‘switching it on’ when they need it
Charismatic people know that flipping that switch and going into ‘social mode’ or ‘networking mode’ means being able to put themselves in the right mental headspace whenever they need it.
And for this they require their own personal triggers – whether it’s in what they wear, how they move, how they talk to themselves – or it can come from just arranging their life to constantly have inspiration around them: waking up at the right time, meditating, listening to certain music, watching certain movies, or having their own social ‘warm-up’ exercises for getting in the zone. Charismatic people don’t wait for inspiration – they constantly generate it. They are also aware of what works for them. They make mental notes of which actions are most effective, and because of that they learn how to re-create a sense of presence at crucial moments.
* * * * * *
Those are the basics of charisma, but this is just me scratching the surface.
I’ve gone into this in much more detail in the free guide Matt’s just released.
If the idea of having more charisma and influence is something you’re even remotely interested in, please check it out (it’s totally free) and let me know what you think.
You can grab it here:
Click Here For The Download Page
Normal service will resume next week. Though that doesn’t mean there won’t be more surprises to come.
49 Replies to “The Secrets Of Charisma (+ Free Guide At The End)”
Thank you both for the articles yesterday and today. They’ve made for insightful reading, to say the least.
It’s a pleasure. Much appreciated Carla!
We’re loving your new material, it’s great! You are supernaturally perceptive. It’s a gift.
Swords are definitely bad, you only have to watch G of Thrones for evidence. Although I like when the Queen says to Tyrion how useless he is in battle and he says ” but I know people”. The man deserves his Emmy for the pronunciation of the C word alone. No-one can say it with such impact.
You only have to see Matt turn on the charisma on the show, I think it’s with Kathy and Hoda. He reduces the women to mush, they are like giggling school girls. He just sits back smiling, like yea I know, I have it!
Yea, Matt has learnt exactly how to be effective in those short spaces of time, which is something I really wanted to capture in the guide. Really glad you liked it Kathryn.
Thank you for the blog post and the paper about owning the first five minutes. This week’s interactions between you and Matthew are different and great. They illustrate the balance between having a good routine and occasionally interrupting this routing to magnify its impact. (Cognitive psychology and behavioral economics are full of effects based on contrasts, e.g., anchoring, using decoys, and others.)
Your second foundational item of charismatic people is the ability to be different. By releasing Matthew’s secrets you and he ARE being different. This week’s information illustrates the very concepts you present, teaches your readers important skills, and as always, over-delivers.
It became my ritual to read your Wednesday posts and a rare delay to Thursday only enhances the practice.
Agreed – it’s good and healthy to shake things up now and then. Keeps Matt on his toes at least ;)
Thank you so much for your kind comments, as always.
I love this breakout and where the blog is going. This post is great and is probobly going to linger with me for a while. Maybe you could go more into detail one day about this subject one day.
In any case I think I’m going to be printing out your posts from now on.
Thank you so much Maya! I’ll definitely be covering more of this stuff in the future.
Can you laminate the posts as well? ;)
“The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism” by Olivia Fox Cabane is a helpful book on the subject. She suggests that charisma is made up of power, presence, and warmth.
I haven’t read that book but I’ve heard of it and been wanting to buy it for a while. Will put on my wish list.
Oooooh, I recommend that book (The Charisma Myth) to everyone – it has helped me so, so much. Brilliant techniques!
S and M – This is a wonderful break from the usual – how to get the guy – conversation mindset (but still applies to whole notion of being attractive to everybody). You’re a fabulous writer Stephen.
Thank you! But I still can’t get over the abbreviation “S and M”! LOL Me and Matt really need to find a better nickname for the pair of us together before that one sticks.
My intention was to make you laugh with that, yay. Glad you found it funny Stephen.
I think this is only partly true. If you look at babies, for instance, some naturally capture the rooms attention and love it others hate people looking at them. Maybe it is a reflection of their parents, of maybe not.
I think people like Matthew take that innate quality and develop it. Luckily he has done it for good . I believe we are all born with a natural tendency, how that tendency is developed makes us who we are. Another example is two kids brought up in a drug addicted home and neighborhood one goes to jail and one becomes a doctor . It is about the choices we make regarding our natural tendencies. There is my two cents , love all of this thought provoking posts not just how to get the guy to kiss you. Because it enhances our entire life not just one ascpect. Rose
Thank you Rose,
We’re all naturally drawn to something adorable like a baby or a puppy. But I guess charisma is more like a package of qualities that combines many traits together. That’s why someone can be really good-looking but not charismatic if they don’t have a strong personality. Like you say, charisma is more deliberate and about choices we make.
Thanks for the comment :)
Uft the entries released today and yesterday is helping me soo much already! I can’t say enough but i will say this, Stephen and Matt THANK YOU for all this work and advice you’re giving out. You guys are truly amazing!
Thank you Wave! Love hearing that you’re finding the material useful.
Thank you Stephen, for the fantastic article and additional document! I love the idea that you have to be prepared for the attention, that people will judge you and one must accept this. In the past it has been brought to my attention by supervisors etc. that they wish I would speak up and contribute to the discussion , because when I do ( usually after the fact) I have something worthwhile to say. But the fear of being judged would paralyze me. It is something I am actively working on, and it helps in all areas of one’s life.
I love these articles on self development and growth and feel they are helping me become a more well rounded individual, which in turn increases my confidence and eventually my attractiveness.
Look forward to your articles every week. Please keep the direction they appear to be expanding in. We all can benefit.
Definitely will do Shev, thanks for the encouragement.
I used to hate contributing in open discussion too, but I find that the people who do, as I say in the article, tend to not worry how they will be perceived by others when they make a point. This can sometimes be bad, when people just speak in order to be heard. But I’ve noticed that in general assertiveness and expressing your honest thoughts makes people pay more attention and gives you opportunities you wouldn’t have if you stayed in the background. Keep at it and you’ll get more comfortable and it will just feel natural.
what do you mean by an apology? wasn’t that great guide of yesterday just a colossal work for you?;)
yeah, that’s exactly what I think is true, though you do see many people possessing a developed charisma from a very young age and that’s where all the confusion comes from. Just because some person happens to be born with more developed charisma somehow (or in circumstances that provoke its fast development)doesn’t mean that you can’t work on it to get as good as that person or even better:)) it’s like a talent:you can be born with, for example, a great voice, but the person with no voice can be taught and get successful in this sphere:)
and you did hit me with the first point:that thought’s been in a liquid state in my mind for ages!!:)
It was a LOT of work Olli! I just felt bad for missing my Wednesday slot, especially after I’ve stuck to it every week until now.
And yes, you’re right. The big myth comes when people say: You are either born with it, or you don’t have it. There is actually a third option: if you don’t have it, you can *learn* it. Just because some people get some gifts naturally doesn’t mean that others can’t work hard to learn the same things, even if it takes them longer to do so.
Thanks for your nice comments :)
i just thing its not fair for matt to reveal what he have been learning for years on his blog FOR FREE .at least it should for people who attend his seminars and not people who sit at home and get everything downloaded (including me)
its like an amazing painting that the artist spent years on it then decided instead of displaying it in the gallery , he made a video of how to paint a replica of it .(which by the way stephen, from marketing point of view if he keep doing this there will be so many competitors in the future using his own skills against him ) :/ so NO , we don’t want our matt to fade away -_-
correction : *i don’t want our matt to fade away
excuse my English, if there is any other grammatical error then sorry in advance .
Don’t worry amoun! Matt decided to release these skills after we talked it over because he knew how valuable they would be. But like I said, he has such an enormous toolbox of skills that he hasn’t given away, or that he only has time to go into detail on in his retreat program or seminars, so there is plenty more up his sleeve that doesn’t get put on the blog. That said, we try and give as much value as possible here for people who can’t come to seminars – there are just some things that aren’t communicated well in a short space of time so we save them for our programs.
Btw – We’re not scared of our competitors. They’ll always have a massive disadvantage: they don’t have Matt ;)
alright then , you guys know better :)
all the best and great article by the way.
Thank you Stephen for all the valuable infomation on this blog and the 6 technique one!!!! Your blogs are full of grounded insight. Matthew and you are blessed with creativity. Having revealed his techniques (which I’m sure he sweated the hard way to learn) cannot in any way take away from all that he is and continues to become.
Matthew is CHARISMATIC!!!
I enjoy how both of you are brothers and creatively contribute to this endeavor in your own style. With creativity; there are no limitations; so we will gladly journey with you and Matthew.
Me and Matt have been really lucky to have different but complimentary skill sets in the creative department. He is much better at thinking on the spot and being on stage than I am – whereas I take my time more and do my best thinking over a longer period of time, which suits writing more. And yes, Matthew is damn charismatic and he’s worked hard to get there. Which is why he wanted everyone else to see those techniques and prove they could do it as well.
It’s intersting. But what I’m curious to know is what would Matt talk about had his flight been smooth and nothing out of the ordinary had happened in the two weeks prior to the interview?
In other words, what’s his game plan when he’s got no recent anecdotes?
I’ve found as a writer that once you start getting used to needing something to say/write about, you start finding stories everywhere in your daily life. It’s the same for Matt and speaking. Matt is always writing down interesting things that happen to him and anecdotes or stories that occur in his daily life, whether they are huge or tiny. There is always an angle on something, even if it seems normal and pedestrian to others. The skill is in making it interesting – as Matt did with his crappy flight, which, in the hands of a bad storyteller, could have just been a lame comment about a terrible flight rather than a funny story.
You remind me a bit of myself. I would try to go to school sick and in snowstorms to keep my record! I’m glad you are so reliable. :-)
About your post. I don’t always like being noticed. Sometimes, particularly when personal or work is stressful, when I’m not in the stressful place I like to be in a place called The Zone. The Zone is where you are when your earbuds are in. When you are standing there thinking of nothing, but resting your brain. When I’m in the Zone I don’t like to be taken out of it. I need that restful time, because in other parts of the day my brain. does. not. stop. The Zone is very meditative.
So I am reluctant when people pull me out of it when I’m there in public. This week a new yoga teacher pulled me out of it and I was so pissed. She said, “You’re not going to hide here.” I was in my zone! I so needed that space and was pissed at her the entire time for addressing me in class.
I’m not sure what a charismatic person would do in such a situation. I did manage to be okay in the class and even laughed at her antics, but I didn’t have the energy to relish in being the center of attention. I like to be the center–when *I* want to. Yup. Not otherwise. But it seems charismatic people are far more flexible about these things . . .
Haha Actually I would always beg my mum for a day off when it snowed. I would beg for days off most of the time come to think of it.
I’m not sure – I’ve met some charismatic people who are, as you say, ALWAYS in the zone. But I’ve met others who choose when to turn it on and off, and need their down time. Matt, for example, is the second type, in my opinion. Matt likes to be quiet sometimes and relax in the background. Other times, he totally owns the room and becomes the centre of attention. I think it’s a myth that you have to be “ON” constantly to have impact – some people’s personalities aren’t suited to constant social interaction. Luckily, you don’t need to exude charisma 100% of the time. You just have to know when it’s time to warm-up and turn on the skills.
Thanks for taking the initiative to post this article and also getting Matt on board with allowing it to be published too. I’ve just visited his youtube video, and I felt really sad on seeing so many negative comments, as I really think this is a whole new level of information than before.
As for me I’ve always found public situations very difficult, and I’ve done a lot to purposefully put myself in public, uncomfortable situations to overcome them. Doing this has helped a little, but not as much as it should have (I usually still end up an awkward mess). This is mainly because I almost never prepared things in advance, as I always assumed charisma should come on the spot and never be prepared. Thus I was fighting a losing battle of never truly improving, and also letting my confidence take a beating for not being to be hold in a situation.
Its like being given the green signal to be allowed to prepare for even casual get togethers, and to work on charisma and charm, rather than constantly throwing myself in difficult situations and simply ‘expecting to get better’.
Thanks for such an honest comment. It’s true – one of my motivations for writing this stuff was to tell people just that it’s ok to work and prepare these skills, and not have to feel shame about putting effort into getting better socially. Exposure to more situations helps, but it also helps to have a roadmap and something tangible to work on so that you can be prepared when you need to create impact. People prepare for job interviews for maximum impact, why not other parts of life?
Love this content! I was remarkably shy until my mid-20s, and I’ve done a ton of work to overcome the negative mental chatter that made me want to stay hidden. I think it was very brave of Matthew to allow you to share his tips and tricks, but you are both serving so many people that are in utter pain due to low self-confidence and feeling awkward in social situations. Cheers to all you do!
Thank you so much Cole – It’s all material that Matt has thought about so much that he could talk about this stuff endlessly. Let’s hope he does ;)…
Really liked this style! The break down was great and shows how to deal with the situation and others like this in the most high value way :) x
Steve, your articles are always very insightful.
It’s comforting to hear that charisma can be acquired. I know Matt has spent a huge amount of time studying people with impact and charisma, but I’m curious to know how many of them are actually born with it. As you say, charisma isn’t something people are born with, it seems some people can just ’switch it on’ all the time.
Anyways, I love the content and I hope there’s more to come! I personally would love an article on tips/foundations on telling a great story :)
This article does not have charisma. All that complaining in the foreword about Matt bumping you off. Matt has charisma. And very few people can learn it. It is mostly natural while others who try to posses it only come off as salesmen. Charisma is that “It” factor. You have it or you don’t.
Maybe the complaining was meant to be part of the charisma? Brotherly rivalry seems to be popular.
One of my favorite blog posts. I am a young professional that needed this advice!
All-Time POPULAR Posts