Venturing Into The Unknown

This blog is a little off-road compared with the usual love life stuff.

I think it’s important that you continue to know the REAL me through all the craziness that’s happening right now. The me that can get stressed, frustrated, fearful, and have to deal with all the same emotions you do. I’ve said it before, I don’t see this as just some brand, I see it as a community that I love being part of. I come here to connect with you. I don’t always write the articles I think will be most popular, or get the most views. I want them to have heart.

This month as most of you know I’m gearing up for the release of my TV show on NBC. And I’m nervous.

I’m not nervous in the “Oh god I can’t do this” kind of way. More in the sense that it looks like something big is coming and it’s hard to anticipate what that means. In the world I’m in right now, everyone sits you down and tells you about the opportunities that are coming. Everyone tells you about how HUGE you’re going to be. Everyone says what a crazy ride it’s going to be. It’s very ‘LA’.

Here’s the newest trailer for the show:

Crazy isn’t it?

It’s a little strange for me to hear all these things. I tend to have two thoughts.

First, my instinct is to not believe them. Not because I’m pessimistic, but because I don’t tend to get excited about things that haven’t happened, or that are uncertain. I have always had a kind of ‘underdog’ mentality. Over the years I’ve had to fight for credibility, clients, the lifestyle I want, and to be taken seriously (i.e. “Who does this KID think he is?! I’ve been a psycho-analytical-timeline-regression-therapist-NLP-hypnosis-doublebackflip-certified coach for 63 years… what does he know?!”).

Since I’ve had to fight for it, I don’t trust wild claims about things that MIGHT happen. I trust what actually happens.

Second, I actually have a fear of it going well. I’m a pretty private person – and though many don’t believe me when I say this, I’m naturally an introvert. The idea of ‘fame’ is something that scares me. Right now I can go pretty much anywhere and do anything and I’m not going to be recognised (at least not enough to worry about).

Chances are in one month that will no longer be the case.

Right now in your life you may have the same ‘fear of the unknown’. If you do, try to remember what I am trying to remember right now:

That you will work hard to impact the areas you can control, and that most of life is made up of things you can’t.

We feel powerless and afraid when we focus on all of the things that we have no power over. To use a GetTheGuy related example – a woman focused on the fact that she hasn’t met her ideal partner yet – if she focuses on the negative comment she just got from somebody, or the fact that a guy isn’t calling back, she will feel powerless and afraid.

This is a recipe for paralysis.

In my own life, I’m about to receive more hate, more negative comments, and more misinterpretation of my character than I ever have. If I thought I had haters before, it’s going to be 1,000X anything I’ve experienced. If I focus on what they are going to say I will feel powerless and afraid.

I also begin to feel this when I focus on there being more to do before the show airs than can possibly be accomplished.

But in life, 90% of happiness is perspective, not the landscape.

That means we get to choose what we focus on. If the woman in our example above looked at all of the things she could do to influence her situation – go out, meet people, learn how to flirt, build an attractive lifestyle, work on her confidence, bring new friends into her life – she would realise that there are so many exciting things she has power over.

In my life, if I focus on speaking with passion and conviction about the things I know, I become impervious to the haters.

If I look at what I can do in the next three weeks and simply focus on doing that, I will become empowered.

The last step in all of this is acceptance. I can’t do this justice in one article, but acceptance is essential to happiness. If I look at my situation and say “There is so much to do in the next 3 weeks, some of which I can do and a whole lot that is impossible to finish”, I will sleep at night. But as long as I am beating myself up for not being able to do what 10 men couldn’t do, I will feel powerless, afraid, and most of all, worthless.

(You may have realised by now that this article is as much a reminder to myself as it is to you.)

Focus on what you CAN do,
be kind to yourself for doing it…
…then kick back and welcome the unknown.

Love ,
Matthew x

 

(Photo credit: Ecstaticist)

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188 Replies to “Venturing Into The Unknown”

      1. Hi Matt,

        Just pop by to say really, really well done!
        You’re facing your fears head on! And doing wonderfully!! Yay!! Keep on believing!!

        I still remember I bumped into you in the lift before attending your seminar in London a long time ago! Wishing you nothing but the best! Woot Woot! xx

        Warmest blessings, fun and laughter on your journey!
        Kerry

  1. Just wanted to say keep your head up. I am going through the same uncertainty — have been going through the steps to apply to grad school for over 2 1/2 years while working & trying to deal with a health condition. I’m nearing the end of the journey, but have not known throughout if it would all will pan out. My life will change dramatically if I am accepted. I can’t imagine dealing with fame and the haters that come with it, but I wanted to share a quote that always inspires me.

    “It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

    We only have about 50 good years on this planet — we are all responsible to have the most interesting and fulfilling ride we can during that time. Keep fighting and visualizing what you want, and you can’t fail.

      1. Well hey, one of the first quotes you received (“It is not the critic who counts…”) was the first thing to come into my head, too, upon reading this powerfully vulnerable blog post. Great minds, FTW!

        The quote is by Theodore Roosevelt, and is the keystone of Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly – http://amzn.to/166TcDI. If you haven’t seen her two TED talks, on the power of vulnerability http://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o and listening to shame http://youtu.be/L0ifUM1DYKg, I highly recommend them; especially as she’s a very private person who talks about being thrust into the limelight, and the perils of haters, in her second talk (her first is one of the highest-ever viewed on TED).

        I was also reminded of Marianne Williamson’s line, ‘it is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most.’ Face it, kitten, you’re a Prophet. You’ve got light and wisdom to spread around the world. (Really glad you’re not doing a Jonah and hiding in a whale to escape it, mind you. Think NBC might have looked askance at that…)

        Ostensibly, we’re all as afraid of success as we are of failure, we all fear losing a part of our identity (“the under-dog”, for example). But to now go Joseph Campbell on you, “we must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” You’ve got the tools, the loving and supportive family, friends and team, the self-awareness to make that happen. Plus, as evidenced here, the courage to be vulnerable. You’re a great example to others, as well as yourself, hun.

        Re your workload, am sending the Serenity Prayer to you (“God grant me the courage to change what I can” etc), and this final thought; I was lucky enough to be in a room with you and several other hundred ladies you’ve helped, coached, inspired and illuminated recently. The love in the room for you was palpable. Tangible. In any moment of doubt, of anxiety, especially when anticipating any negative responses; feel that love. Feel that pride, that love, that care, wrap around you and soothe and protect you. We, your tribe, your community, love the bones of you, dear boy.

        Just so you know :)

        xx

  2. In all my life the craziest thing I’ve ever done is move 2000 miles away from what I’ve always known and I did it because I know there are amazing things just waiting to present themselves. Has it been scary, absolutely! I just have to remind myself I’m not doing it alone and that if I can touch one life it will be way worth it. I have to say, Matt you’re already my celebrity :)

  3. I’m super glad I read this. I almost gave up on my dream. Thank God you’re a real person that wants to help others not give up on themselves. That’s why you are my Spirit Animal.

  4. Somehow I feel positivley connected to you Matt because through your advise, I forced myself to be a better and happier me.
    I hope for you the show is what you want and you will get back what you give; I am just not a big fan of these ‘reality’-shows because I personally always have the impression that however ‘real’ they say it is, it cannot be. On the other hand it probaly will give women the opportunity to learn about your coaching skills and they will open up to the world around them and also benefit from what you can teach them.

    1. I understand why you don’t like them Lisa. My hope is that with this one we won’t just get mindless drama, but real insight that can help people.

      Thanks for being here with me.

      M x

  5. Hi Matt. This touched me also. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, except for your videos- but having lived in LA for a long time, and then moving to Europe a couple years ago for a change and because my own brand was growing– I deal with this every day. How I let it affect me every day varies tons, depending on a lot of internal and external factors. Consistent exercise and sleep fix it all. It sounds trite, but it’s true. Endorphins banish a lot of fears and doubts and little squigglies on the inside. Try to remind yourself (as a dear friend said to me) that you are only in this position right now because you have worked so hard for it, and you deserve to be as big as everyone is telling you you’re going to be. Take LA with a grain of salt. ;) It’s all hyperbolic- except, you really will help the women there. I know. As I said, I lived there. and now that I don’t, you still help me. Your engaging personality comes through in each video, and I am sure it comes through in real life as well. Uncertainty is a sign you’re growing. I bet.. you wouldn’t want it the other way. Take heart!! Pretty sure we’re all behind you. xx (I also never post on these things. But i feel you. Anyone who’s dared do something new.. would, also.)

  6. Hi Matthew,
    As a burned out overachiever who has just spent the worst two months of my life reassessing my existence, I get the whole paralysis thing. Your core beliefs still need some work!
    You need to get to a place where the opinions of others are MEANINGLESS. Because… if they affect you, your core belief is that your worth in a situation can be determined or influenced by a thought in someone else’s mind. This is just not possible. A perception, held by another, based on their own set of core beliefs, cannot determine your self esteem or who you are in any way.

    It’s like saying:
    1. This person expressed a negative opinion about what I’m doing.
    2. This opinion changes me from a charismatic, successful expert entrepreneur into a small child who is just pretending to know stuff.
    3. I may therefore be exposed as a fraud, a boy pretending to be a man.
    4. I am now anxious about what I’m doing because I don’t want to be exposed.

    It’s your core belief causing the anxiety, and you are absolutely right to focus on the more positive beliefs. But also give gratitude to anyone who directs criticism towards you, this really works to grab the lesson you need and defuse a situation.

    Sorry if that sounds teacherish but a have been a school teacher a long time!

    For the record, I think you are brilliant. You have turned my beliefs about men on their head, and made me laugh so much I feel like myself again. You are doing great things and that’s why great things are coming your way.

    Warm regards,
    Claire.

    1. Hey Claire,

      This is great stuff. I appreciate you bringing these insights to the table, I’m sure not just I, but a lot of people can benefit from reading them.

      Matthew x

  7. Hello, Matt !
    There are two things that I’ve realized after reading this. Firstly (and this is something that life reminds me over and over) not trust in appearances ! You say you’re introvert and people don’t believe you when you say that. I have to say that has surprised me as well ! ^^
    People also see me as some kind of person I’m not. They look at me and think I’m cold, which is not true. I say I’m the last child of my sibship and they think I’m the child who was spoiled by her parents or always get what she wants !! It ridiculous because it isn’t the case !!

    Secondly, like you said I have the bad habit to be hard of myself. I often feel like I’m not worthy.
    I’m working on this, but it’s hard to stop doing something you’ve done for a little more than 20 years. :P

    When I think of the things I can control, I realized than I am making progresses. I’ve begin to talk to people and make friends here and there. It’s a miracle if you know that a few months ago I wouldn’t have dare ! :D If some people just want to judge me without getting to know me, then it’s fine ! There are lots of others people (and great ones at that !) who will want to know the real me !

    The only thing that is annoying me right now is the fact that I can’t watch NBC since I live in Switzerland !!! :P

    I hope you’re having fun participating at this show and that it will be a success !!!

    Kind regards,
    Didi

    1. It’s hard NOT to be hard on ourselves, but we have to work on it. No one likes working for a boss that bullies them all the time ; )

      Thanks for commenting Diane

      Matthew x

  8. Most honest post I have read from you. Trust your instincts. Men and women on a higher level are not all that different. Keep a perpective on all the highs and lows your face in life. Ultimately, thye are not all that different. Grateful for your honesty.

  9. Wow Matthew, thankyou for sharing that. Its good to know that someone like you has worries and is “human” just like the rest of us. In a weird way its comforting to know that you too can feel this way from time to time. Its normal to be apprehensive about anything new, I think change can be a very scary thing, more so as we get older. In my teens and twenties nothing scared me, nervous yes but never scared, I naturally had confidence, unlimited love and energy for life, Im 36 now and change makes me recoil into myself,my confidence levels are only half of what they were when I was younger, but they are higher than what they were this time last year. It’s a work in progress and your blog today has inspired me to keep working at it.

  10. It’s absolutely normal to be nervous in your situation, Matt – even for a natural extrovert who loves attention, having the eyes (and comments!) of millions of people upon you is tough to say the least. But I think you’re down to earth enough to handle any crazy kind of fame :) I’m glad you shared this, it was a reminder that we all have to focus on doing the best we can with what we have and not worry too much about things that might happen. Lots of love to you all :)

  11. Hi Matthew… Yes the unknown is stressful… there’s this little voice in your head that you can hear when you are in that calm place saying ‘Yes you can do it’ a kind of knowing ‘gut feeling’ and if you didn’t have it you wouldn’t be in the position you are in… so well done

    I had many fears about whether i could provide for my children if I left a very unhappy situation… I now live in a beautiful place overlooking the ocean, I have more friends than I have ever had, work is gr8, my kids and I have the best relationship ever and I am learning all about Men and choosing the best one for me Lol thanks to you… so good luck to you.. all the best… may the greatest outcome be yours for your highest good XX

  12. Hi Matt, Will the show be shown in the UK as it looks amazing! If so, when?? If not, will we be able to get a copy of the shows somehow?

    Good luck with it all, I am sure you will be amazing on the show.

    p.s. I met your dad the other day at Professional Beauty show – he really didn’t look old enough to be your father!!

    p.s. I have just met THE most wonderful man and we are now 3 months into our relationship and I am only on the first chapter of your book!!!
    x

    1. I love that Tracey! Congrats on your man.

      Nice to know you met a member of the family : ). The show isn’t arriving in the UK yet but fingers crossed it will soon.

      Stay tuned!

      x

  13. Wow Matthew. This article couldn’t come at a better time for me thank you so much. I think the universe is throwing opportunities to everyone right now. This has been a very crazy emotional month for me as we’ll as I bet most people in the world are feeling this energy. Opportunities bring change and that’s scary. Matthew your words offer wonderful help. “Focus on what you CAN do,
    be kind to yourself for doing it…then kick back and welcome the unknown.” I love it! That’s all we can do. Can’t wait to watch your show! You were made for this and you help so many around the world. Go get em stud! You’re going to be fantastic!! Because you already are:)

  14. Daer Matthew,
    I started watching your regular coaching videos, not the dating vids, a year and a half or so ago.

    What always comes through to me is that you care about helping people. You’re not just up on YouTube to show off, like so many. You REALLY care about helping people change their lives, and you know you have an ability to help, and so you put yourself out there to do it. Not because you’re showing off, either.

    If you should be afraid of anything, it’s losing your caring when you become a star. And, personally, I think there’s a low risk of that, since as you said you’ve had to battle so hard to get where you are now.

    Cheers, and blessings from Jerusalem,
    Nofyah

    1. Thanks Nofyah. Every time I write a blog it’s people like you who remind me why I do this. You make me care because you show me what effect all this work has.

      Thank you.

      M x

  15. Matt,

    As always, you have impeccable timing with this article. I’m currently in a situation where I’m so afraid to have my first serious conversation with the guy I’m seeing (of about 2 months) to see where him and I are headed (does he want a long-term relationship?). I’m typically a very confident person and the whole idea of finding out where I stand and bringing this up is terrifying. You mention above to focus on what you can control and not what you cannot.. that is key. For me, that means practicing this conversation until I feel confident enough to deliver it.

    It’s good to know you are human too :-) Trust me, you will do great with this new adventure. I truly look forward to your show and always appreciate all the hard work you do. Surely anyone can see you put 110% in everything you do.

  16. I really love it when people speak from their ‘hidden place’, the thoughts most people won’t admit to, but Matthew you had the courage to speak about your personal fear. We should all be more aware of what we fear and believe that we can overcome it if we chose to.

    1. I always want to be honest, never just to talk about being strong because it seems like the thing to do.

      I expect other people to bring their fears to the table with me so I have to have the courage to do the same!

      x

  17. I’m feeling like this as well, I think we should all count our blessings, and realise that we do nothing ourselves, but it is in fact God.
    If you can, wake up at the ambrosial hours before dawn (3 am) and repeat the word satnaam.

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