In this week’s video, my brother Stephen and I dig into a fascinating study in which nearly half of the people surveyed said they would call off a date if they weren’t feeling great about their body that day.
I hope this video inspires you to go a little easier on yourself, and I’d love it if you left me a comment letting me know what you think.
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Stephen:
There was a study that said that more than half of people would cancel a date due to poor body image.
Matthew:
Oh, wow.
Stephen:
And this was amongst young people, but it was talking about a little study that was done by Bumble. But a lot of young people felt like they would cancel a date because of an insecurity about their body. That’s even like rejecting yourself before you’ve even gone on the date. It’s like, “Because I might not live up to something” or “This person’s better than me. And if I don’t live up to what they are, then I’m going to be a disappointment.”
Matthew:
It’s so fascinating because if you take that example, it’s almost certainly not going to be something they notice. Literally, last night I was having dinner with a friend and he said to me, he was like, “I saw a couple of pictures of you from your tour on your Instagram.” He said, “Do you always get in shape for your tour?” And I said, “Well, if I’m going touring, in the couple of months running up to it, I start taking my training a bit more seriously. I know I’m going to be on stage.” If I feel good on stage, it’s one less thing to think about. Right? It’s like I can truly just focus on… So I understand what people feel on a date because I feel it when I go on stage. I think to myself, “If I’m not trying to hold in my gut while I talk, then it’s one less thing for me to have to think about.” I can then just go and focus on doing a great job.
But then I said to him, “But right now, I’m in okay shape, but I’m not as lean as I normally am.” And he looked at me and he was like, “I’ve never seen you looking any different.
Stephen:
Right.
Matthew:
He’s like, “You’ve literally never looked any different to me on any of the times I’ve seen you.” And that just sums it up, doesn’t it?
Stephen:
Yeah, yeah.
Matthew:
We spend so much time measuring the, what for most of us is a 10 or 20% fluctuation in either direction, and thinking that everyone is noticing that fluctuation. And the truth is most people genuinely, not least of which a person you’re meeting for a date, they are definitely not noticing.
Stephen:
Yeah.
Matthew:
And yet, it’s so on our mind. And the great tragedy of it is that what’s really going to have an impact on that date is not our body difference there. I get there’s body difference and there’s body difference. Like for some of us, when we are truly a world away from being in shape and that is massively impacting our self-esteem and the way we feel and all of that, then that can be a real thing. But then it becomes not a reason not to date, but it just becomes a path you put yourself on to be healthier.
But if we’re putting ourselves under a microscope over what we see is a fluctuation in our body that’s not that great, but we’re canceling a date because of it, we are missing the point, which is that the thing that is going to be most attractive about us is how we carry ourselves, is the energy that we put across. And the most unattractive thing will be all of the ways that we are self-conscious and doubt ourselves, and think that we’re not good enough. It will not be your body.
Stephen:
Yeah.
Matthew:
The most unattractive thing will be how much you doubt your own worth.
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Matthew:
Before you go, did you know that the MH Virtual Retreat is coming up? This is three days of coaching immersion, where we’re going to be working on your ability to manage your emotions, your confidence, and your direction in life. I hope you’ll join us, it’s going to be the most amazing event. It’s the best thing that I do. I really believe that, and so many people’s lives are changed by this. If you want to find out more, go to MHvirtualretreat.com and I’ll see you over there.
I just watched your video on body image. I am a tall blonde and I’m thin due to both body style and previous bout from cancer. I’m probably too thin but can’t seem to gain weight. Because of this I have a bit of saggy skin on my arms but worse I have some cellulite on the front of my legs. I can’t stand either one and I’m very embarrassed about having those things. My crippling body image keeps me from wearing shorts and meeting someone because I’m afraid they’ll be grossed out.
I’m often told I’m a beautiful woman and the 1st thing my brain goes to is…. You haven’t seen my legs….I feel like it’s false advertising in my part. How do I get past this? I’m a very successful career woman with my own business and I spend most all of my time alone. I would love to have a man in my life. Help.
Thank you, great video!!! ❤️❤️❤️
WOW! This has definitely been ME before. I have allowed my discomfort in my appearance to alter the energy that I was able to give on a date. I could feel myself there on the date but not fully present. We are all energy and I can only imagine, now, from watching your video, how I could show up to my counterpart as a neat and cool woman but who was “closed off” and withholding or disinterested on a date. This video shifted a dynamic I’ve had in my mind. I feel dating can be awkward, but it doesn’t have to be. I can bring my best self and my full energy to the table and that is good enough. That pulls more weight than what I look like. No 1 dimensional crap! Very awesome video MH team!
Ive had a couple of guys tell me after going on a date that I should really post pictures that look like myself more, and those times I felt and was a little heavier than I normally am. I don’t agree I think some people do notice.
Thanks for bringing this up. I think as women, we are our worst enemy! I was very insecure when I was younger, never the pretty girl in school, but after so many decades, now at 52, I really don’t give a you-know-what about how people approve or disapprove that I am not skinny enough, or my boobs are too small, or anything related to how I look. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in great shape, I make myself pretty when I go out, and can easily pass as early 40s, but I’m way past the insecurity stage. I guess the bottom line is, you just need to grow older…
Hello Matthew,
I loved this video. What you say is so key to successful dating but it expands to all other areas in our life. It has taken me years and years to arrive at the same conclusion. Doubting our self-worth impacts the way we portray ourselves and it is precisely how we are perceived by others. We all have flaws, imperfections and I am sure the person we are meeting for a date will only look for the light shining from our soul, reflecting on the outside.
Personally, if I have agreed to go on a date, I would not cancel out of respect for the other person. I would feel very shallow to hold back on getting to know someone just because my tummy feels a bit bloated. I would wear something that would not put the attention on my belly and go ahead with the date.
Finally, men are so less likely to notice most of the things we ladies worry about. :)
All the best,
Seila
Hi Matthew,
I do think people cancel dates for things that probably don’t matter, the negative effect of that is, if we truly like someone, we already lost them, because we did not live up to our promise of showing up, they were excited to see us. So they probably never get back to us again. Cos what excuse are you then goin to sell them, they might think its on them, that something is wrong with them that you didn’t show up.
Say for example as a woman, u catfish men online, you don’t look like your pictures online, that can be a reason someone doesn’t want to date, they agree to go on a date, then cancal with an excuse, cos they know they are an imposter online.
Or u had eating something in the week, ur body decides to have a bloated stomach, or have acné, or ur outfit don’t fit anymore, or shoes don’t fit, while they hope to have a good time, enjoy the date, etc,
Mostly its for silly things I think people cancel dates.
You only know if someone truly likes you if they also see you in your lesser goodlooking days. Cos noone’s picture perfect every day. If we live with someone, they also see us without makeup, when we have our period, I look horrible during my period, not my best days :))) a lot of times when I don’t feel good some days, I actually look better than other days.
I would only cancel a date if I had a real genuine reason for it.