Wait Or Create – A Reader’s Approach


I’ve said many, many times before that there are two ways to go about dating: you can wait and hope that Mr. Right falls into your lap one day or you can be proactive in your love life and create the opportunities to meet new men. I find that this Create approach gets a lot of pushback from women. They don’t want to seem like they are chasing or they are convinced that men like to be the hunter and that they are only allowed to be the prey. My challenge has been trying to illustrate to women how they can create the opportunity and still make a man chase them.

This comment was left on a blog post on our site entitled “Where To Go TO Find Good Men”  by a reader named Lulu. She used the techniques from GetTheGuy to not only get her guy but to weed out the ones not worth devoting time to. Here is her story:

“Ok so I wasn’t planning on sharing but here goes. I met a guy when I was out hiking. I was not really interested in the beginning, but he was… very. He walked with me down the trail and chatted me up. I sarcastically teased him about his beliefs and told him to buzz off many times. On the way back, I went to my buss but found that he had asked the guy next to him to take another seat and brought my things next to him. Started feeling some chemistry. Didn’t give him my number. He messaged me on fb and I didn’t respond. A month later, I went hiking. Found him there. He stalled until we got to the cafe an hour later to get food and snacks and came up behind me unaware, put his hand on mine and whispered in my ear – oooh you’ll pay. I decided I liked him but knew he was a player. We had this chemistry thing going but it never progressed. Perfect story on being chased but not perfect outcome.

The guy I am with now I will be soon engaged to. I met him at work. I was a coordinator and he was a volunteer. We knew each other formally in meetings for more than a year but never chatted until he messaged me one day from Iran (works as a telecom engineer and was setting up the elections platform there) to test if he can hack into facebook. Turned out he could. We chatted rarely and one day we started sharing music without talking. Did it twice or more, then we talked … for hours almost daily. He would have been super comfortable to stay friends on facebook but after more than 2 months of talking daily I stopped logging on for more than 5 days. I logged back on and told him I won’t be on often. He said something about too bad I will miss you. I said your choice if you would like to but phones still exist. He called that day. We talked for 3 hours and then subsequently talked for a few weeks. I invited him 10 minutes before my birthday and he was one of the first to come. I then invited him twice again to things we both like doing and he came both times. He invited me to his friend’s farm and we were together. Still are. Till today, he often smiles sheepishly and says that the greatest blessing was that I’d invited him those few times. He has walked to my house for more than an hour to see me for less than 20 minutes because he couldn’t find a cab. He has helped me with my goals and been firm and no nonsense when I needed it and supported me in ways I never thought were possible….

So I don’t know about the let the man chase you rule….. I just know that when you feel desperate or awkward or ashamed that you are extending an invite it shows. I guess my rule is, if you deep down know that if you didn’t ask him out, he would never do anything or if you gave him a small push, he wouldn’t take a leap, then he’s just not for you. Otherwise, I don’t know girl, wanna chase a guy? I’m sure you can…. Knock yourself out ;). Just wanted to share.”


Powerful stuff, right?  Lulu chose the guy, created the moment, and still made him chase her! And she did it all without having to feel embarrassed or out of her comfort zone. Tell me in the comments below what you think of her story.

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21 Replies to “Wait Or Create – A Reader’s Approach”

  1. I applaud the fact that Lulu did not just sit around and had the courage to take proactive steps. It looks like she followed the foot-in-the-door tactic. I feel like I’ve tried taking proactive steps in the past but whenever I do, I am unsuccessful or I find out the guy has a girlfriend or is married! Tell me if I’m wrong, but the majority of men don’t put in as much effort as Lulus’ guy did. It wasn’t clear to me, but is the guy Persian? I think culture may have also played a factor in how things turned out.

    1. Good point! I like the Persian/Arab courtship game… What a pity they do not match my culture!
      Btw, I also think that Lulu’s engineer did a lot of chasing without Lulu’s encouragement n Lulu didn’t really pursue him.

  2. i think sometimes guys can be very very insecure,just like us.and sometimes you have to be very obvious,other whise,they wont take a hint,hahahaha.a lot of time,when i give hint,nothing happend.but when i see something there and nothing happens. im gonna say in a playfull way: hai,i like you,if you like me,we can go and do something,then i see results.men are hunters,yes but i know a lot of them are scared,specialy if you are beautiful woman.women should take a little bit of action to get what they want.i am very honest person and very femine.if im not asking,or do something,just giving hints,then it means im not interested.

  3. I found myself very confused with this post. I don’t know if the person just isn’t skilled in communication but I had no idea what was going on. Who is this first guy? Why would she mention him if he is a player. How is that relevant? Or is this 2 people with 2 stories? Very confusing

  4. Okay, well, this is all beautiful, but how do you actually create a situation for a guy to chase you in the real world? Leave alone dropping the handkerchief :)

  5. Hey there,
    I read some of the stories left on the blog post but not this one – I’m really glad that you posted it “again”, Matthew.
    I love the fact that she showed how a girl can create the moment (she suggested calling her or invited him.. he accepted and did it) and it worked out! So, if he hadn’t done it, it would have been obvious that he’s just not really interested… Therefore it would be useless e.g. to invite him again.. wouldn’t it? I think that’s the point we really have to realize. If a guy (or a woman, I think it’s the same for both) takes action, he’s interested.

    Sorry for the mistakes, I’m not an english native speaker,
    greetings from Germany! Your blogs and videos are great, keep up the good work :)

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