Do you find it hard to truly let down your guard with a man?

What do you do when you get angry or hurt? Do you get quiet? Passive-aggressive? Lash out?

If you know that the way you’re bringing things up isn’t productive, and has the tendency to push someone away, my new video is essential watching today…

A couple of weeks ago, we made a video about a concept I call “Weapons vs. Wounds.” A lot of relationships end not because someone couldn’t handle our wounds, but because they couldn’t deal with our weapons. Well, I was just on a members’ call with my Love.Life members club, and one of my members asked me a question that specifically pertained to the content in this video:

“Hi Matt. I loved your video on weapons we use to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, my favorite weapon is passive-aggressive behavior. I’m not proud of this, and I want to learn how to communicate my vulnerabilities without feeling scared that the other person will abuse that. What would your advice be around communicating vulnerability while still protecting myself somewhat?”

I want to show you a little bit of my answer to this question that I gave live on my Love.Life members call. Stay till the end, because I have something very special to give you before you leave this video.

 

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The first step, Jessica, is to understand that this isn’t working for you. Look at the pattern of your passive aggression and look at where it hasn’t been working: What does it typically lead to? It leads to an escalation in the argument. An escalation in the argument leads to even worse things being said. We now both say things we regret. We now both ended up in tears. We both end up hating each other, angry, two days of silent treatment.

Then look at the pattern of what brings you back together. I bet you the pattern of what brings you back together is a moment where one of you brings a different tone. You know what happens at the end of an argument? One person comes over and rests their hand on someone’s knee, and that person goes, “Hmm. They’re trying a little bit.” There’s a softening, because you’re like, “That person’s just done a little act of peace.” It’s like when you’re fighting with someone and someone just reaches out their hand and strokes your finger, and it’s like, “That was an act of peace.” Then your finger grabs a finger. You don’t want to show too much, right? You don’t want to concede too much, but your finger grabs a finger, and then someone says, “Look,” and then that tone is different from the tone before, “Oh, an act of peace.”

So you get this spiraling in a different direction, a spiraling de-escalation. What that usually culminates in is one person saying, “I said that because I was really hurt when you said…” All of a sudden, what happens is an actual wound comes to the surface. The weapon goes down, and the wound comes up and that person sees, “Oh, you were hurt by this.” And me being hurt is a lot less offensive to you than me accusing you of something or me telling you what a piece of shit you are. Me being a hurt doesn’t offend you. It’s about me.

If, Jessica, you look at the pattern of everything that’s always brought pain in your arguments, and you look at the pattern of everything that’s brought you closer to someone, I’ll bet you pain always comes from passive aggression, and being closer, always comes from revealing the wound. Understanding that alone, that kind of awareness will immediately have you opting for a different strategy at the outset because you go, “I know I want to be… Emotionally, I know I want to be passive aggressive because I want to have this attention that I’m looking for right now. I want attention to my wound, but I want it in a way that feels safe to me and me being passive aggressive allows me to hold onto my power. Having a wound feels like I’m giving up power.”

So the first step is knowing, “This always goes one way when I bring out my weapon. I’m not going to do that.” But how do you overcome the fear of being more vulnerable in that moment of actually revealing that you’re hurt, revealing that you have an insecurity? I would argue that there’s a logical response to that. The logical response is you want an amazing relationship, don’t you? I mean, there’s an emotional component to that too. What you desire is an amazing relationship. An amazing relationship is one where someone can hold space for your insecurity, someone can hold space for your vulnerability, for your wounds. So when they hear them, the wrong relationship will be one where someone gets hold of your wounds, your insecurities, your weaknesses, and then uses them against you. They turn your wounds into weapons to use on you. That’s the sign of a bad relationship.

The sign of a great relationship is one where someone can hold your wounds, and it’s not their job to fix them for you, but to support you in fixing them. Supporting you in fixing your own wounds, healing your own wounds, is being a kind energy, being someone who’s there for you, being someone who doesn’t mock you or make you feel embarrassed or less than or judged for your wounds, for your insecurities. So in a sense, emotionally, you want an amazing relationship. Practically, how do you find out if you’ve got an amazing relationship? You have to reveal wounds. You have to actually show more of yourself and see how someone responds to that. Of course, that’s not just how you see if you have an amazing relationship, but it’s how you build one, because someone doesn’t have the chance to be that energy for you if you never give it to them. They can only show you that they’re capable of that if you give them an opportunity to. Our partner, especially the right one, deserves more from us, than having that opportunity only at the end of having been eviscerated by your passive aggression and having a day or two or a week of turmoil in order to get to that point of being able to provide that energy for you.

 

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Now, look, I think what we just went through is a life-changing concept in your relationships, in every relationship you’re ever going to be in. But that was all about how you can be more vulnerable, how you can embrace that side of yourself and feel brave and courageous in doing so. That’s not the end of the story because you want to be in a relationship where both you and the other person can be vulnerable.

You may be saying, “Matt, this is great. Now I know how to be more vulnerable, but the person I’m with doesn’t open up. The person I’m with won’t talk. They won’t let their guard down around me.” And as a result, it’s hard to make the deep connection that you want to make with that person, the connection that would take your relationship with that person to the next level.

I have put together a free training for you that is packed with content. You know that even when I give something away for free, it’s always packed with content. This free training walks you through the steps, not to being vulnerable yourself, but to getting the other person to be far more vulnerable with you. It is at the link, GetHimToTalk.com. I’m going to link that up here. Go there now, watch this training. It’s super practical, and by the end of it, you are literally going to know how to get the person that you’re dating right now, whether it’s casually or in a real relationship, to truly let their guard down and open up around you. I’ll see you there. The link’s here. Thank you for watching, as always.