Want a Deeper Connection? Let Down Your Guard

Do you find it hard to truly let down your guard with a man?

What do you do when you get angry or hurt? Do you get quiet? Passive-aggressive? Lash out?

If you know that the way you’re bringing things up isn’t productive, and has the tendency to push someone away, my new video is essential watching today…

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A couple of weeks ago, we made a video about a concept I call “Weapons vs. Wounds.” A lot of relationships end not because someone couldn’t handle our wounds, but because they couldn’t deal with our weapons. Well, I was just on a members’ call with my Love.Life members club, and one of my members asked me a question that specifically pertained to the content in this video:

“Hi Matt. I loved your video on weapons we use to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, my favorite weapon is passive-aggressive behavior. I’m not proud of this, and I want to learn how to communicate my vulnerabilities without feeling scared that the other person will abuse that. What would your advice be around communicating vulnerability while still protecting myself somewhat?”

I want to show you a little bit of my answer to this question that I gave live on my Love.Life members call. Stay till the end, because I have something very special to give you before you leave this video.

 

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The first step, Jessica, is to understand that this isn’t working for you. Look at the pattern of your passive aggression and look at where it hasn’t been working: What does it typically lead to? It leads to an escalation in the argument. An escalation in the argument leads to even worse things being said. We now both say things we regret. We now both ended up in tears. We both end up hating each other, angry, two days of silent treatment.

Then look at the pattern of what brings you back together. I bet you the pattern of what brings you back together is a moment where one of you brings a different tone. You know what happens at the end of an argument? One person comes over and rests their hand on someone’s knee, and that person goes, “Hmm. They’re trying a little bit.” There’s a softening, because you’re like, “That person’s just done a little act of peace.” It’s like when you’re fighting with someone and someone just reaches out their hand and strokes your finger, and it’s like, “That was an act of peace.” Then your finger grabs a finger. You don’t want to show too much, right? You don’t want to concede too much, but your finger grabs a finger, and then someone says, “Look,” and then that tone is different from the tone before, “Oh, an act of peace.”

So you get this spiraling in a different direction, a spiraling de-escalation. What that usually culminates in is one person saying, “I said that because I was really hurt when you said…” All of a sudden, what happens is an actual wound comes to the surface. The weapon goes down, and the wound comes up and that person sees, “Oh, you were hurt by this.” And me being hurt is a lot less offensive to you than me accusing you of something or me telling you what a piece of shit you are. Me being a hurt doesn’t offend you. It’s about me.

If, Jessica, you look at the pattern of everything that’s always brought pain in your arguments, and you look at the pattern of everything that’s brought you closer to someone, I’ll bet you pain always comes from passive aggression, and being closer, always comes from revealing the wound. Understanding that alone, that kind of awareness will immediately have you opting for a different strategy at the outset because you go, “I know I want to be… Emotionally, I know I want to be passive aggressive because I want to have this attention that I’m looking for right now. I want attention to my wound, but I want it in a way that feels safe to me and me being passive aggressive allows me to hold onto my power. Having a wound feels like I’m giving up power.”

So the first step is knowing, “This always goes one way when I bring out my weapon. I’m not going to do that.” But how do you overcome the fear of being more vulnerable in that moment of actually revealing that you’re hurt, revealing that you have an insecurity? I would argue that there’s a logical response to that. The logical response is you want an amazing relationship, don’t you? I mean, there’s an emotional component to that too. What you desire is an amazing relationship. An amazing relationship is one where someone can hold space for your insecurity, someone can hold space for your vulnerability, for your wounds. So when they hear them, the wrong relationship will be one where someone gets hold of your wounds, your insecurities, your weaknesses, and then uses them against you. They turn your wounds into weapons to use on you. That’s the sign of a bad relationship.

The sign of a great relationship is one where someone can hold your wounds, and it’s not their job to fix them for you, but to support you in fixing them. Supporting you in fixing your own wounds, healing your own wounds, is being a kind energy, being someone who’s there for you, being someone who doesn’t mock you or make you feel embarrassed or less than or judged for your wounds, for your insecurities. So in a sense, emotionally, you want an amazing relationship. Practically, how do you find out if you’ve got an amazing relationship? You have to reveal wounds. You have to actually show more of yourself and see how someone responds to that. Of course, that’s not just how you see if you have an amazing relationship, but it’s how you build one, because someone doesn’t have the chance to be that energy for you if you never give it to them. They can only show you that they’re capable of that if you give them an opportunity to. Our partner, especially the right one, deserves more from us, than having that opportunity only at the end of having been eviscerated by your passive aggression and having a day or two or a week of turmoil in order to get to that point of being able to provide that energy for you.

 

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Now, look, I think what we just went through is a life-changing concept in your relationships, in every relationship you’re ever going to be in. But that was all about how you can be more vulnerable, how you can embrace that side of yourself and feel brave and courageous in doing so. That’s not the end of the story because you want to be in a relationship where both you and the other person can be vulnerable.

You may be saying, “Matt, this is great. Now I know how to be more vulnerable, but the person I’m with doesn’t open up. The person I’m with won’t talk. They won’t let their guard down around me.” And as a result, it’s hard to make the deep connection that you want to make with that person, the connection that would take your relationship with that person to the next level.

I have put together a free training for you that is packed with content. You know that even when I give something away for free, it’s always packed with content. This free training walks you through the steps, not to being vulnerable yourself, but to getting the other person to be far more vulnerable with you. It is at the link, GetHimToTalk.com. I’m going to link that up here. Go there now, watch this training. It’s super practical, and by the end of it, you are literally going to know how to get the person that you’re dating right now, whether it’s casually or in a real relationship, to truly let their guard down and open up around you. I’ll see you there. The link’s here. Thank you for watching, as always.

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6 Replies to “Want a Deeper Connection? Let Down Your Guard”

  1. Hi Matthew :)

    today I started to make a pdf of the 50 Universal Laws that affect your reality, it is very relatable to this video and article, how we cause our own suffering, that noone else is responsible for our experiences. I plan to make videos of each law on my channel, how I see this as a lightworker, what practise you could do for each law, it was part of my homework of my personalized self growth plan and I love every advice of you, appreciate all you do for us, so when you increase the disharmony in a relationship you make a withdrawl in the emotional bank of your relationship, when u create harmony, positive attitude you deposit in the emotional bank of your relationship, first you must listen to your partner, so they can understand you too, than share a mutual solution that serves both in the highest good. Thats what I learned also. In a future relationship I only want to make deposits :)
    Or at least more deposits than withdrawls, I been trying to come up with creative ideas you can do as a couple to practise that, maybe you know some Matthew.
    Like maybe a $5 challenge, for example I made a mistake, I have to put $5 in a container, then when its a lot go on a date with it or something.
    For me its important to be with someone where I can vulnerable, I find that really important, without being attacked, I must also than learn to do the same for a partner, I am sometimes bipolar lol thats also cos of my life experiences I know I need to learn to take the responsibility of it.
    A narcissist would do that, using our wounds to use as a weapon against us, to keep control over someone and dominate them.
    We all need to learn to be the example, so true Matthew, I also learned today this is a huge eye – opener I love to share it, its from my self growth plan that is, when we do something that we really don’t want to together with our partner, its not about what is happening, its about that we love our partner enough to do something they love to do and share that experience with us, the value of their happiness is more worth than the event or what the date is about, I found that was a real big thing for love to know, where it is like you say, we should show a partner the example of how our attitude should be, not always easy when emotions are heated, now I think of that and what I learned today that their happiness matters more the shared experience, cos that is creating history together like u teach us.
    Are there wounds that you should never share with a man Matthew?
    Like things you are not proud of that you done that, nothing criminal lol but like childhood traumas, when you had to once make tough decisions to keep your head above roof as a woman, are there things we should never tell a man or they walk away.

    Much love Nadine x

  2. WOW the timing of this is impeccable!! I’m in a new relationship and I’m already aware that my new partner cannot ‘hold space for my wounds’. We communicate well and I’ve verbalised what I need from him but he doesn’t seem to get it…just the other day I got angry because he didn’t send me a text message during the day to check in. The excuse was he was too busy!!! I’ve heard that excuse far too often!!!

    He has his own issues and walls are up and is not prepared to acknowledge my wounds sadly!! I feel it’s too hard to move forward and therefore we cannot connect on a deeper level that I desire!! I don’t think we can move forward from this sadly.
    Thank you Matthew

  3. Hi frend . Way is so haerd to draiv this key ende go verder ,how i to exspleinit to mi children how hem father is good bat not more fore mi.Melisa

  4. Wow, I am speechless. This just came on time when I had to make a decision between two men, now I definitely know which one is the right one. Thanks a lot for this video! ❤️ And I truly wish you the best.

    1. Hi Mariana! Liz here with Team Matthew Hussey. Sorry for the earlier difficulty with the site, I’m happy to report that the issue with GetHimToTalk.com should now be fixed :) Thank you and have an amazing day!

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