When we meet someone we like, it’s human nature for our imaginations to run wild. No sooner have we been on a great date than we start assessing where things could go and all of the ways this person could be the one.
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What’s the connection between your dating life, your overzealous friend, and Frodo Baggins? Let’s find out.
If he’s not chasing, why are you investing? This is a very common phenomenon where you have a great date, you have an intimate moment, you have something with a person, a guy. It feels great, you’ve had a bit of texting, and now you’ve got . . . You’ve reached a little bit of that hook point. So what happens at this point is the brain goes into a kind of overdrive, where every single action that person takes now is extensively analyzed, broken down, and every single action they take, but even the most minor positive action, is assumed to be an important signal.
This is the problem with having sold yourself on someone before there’s anything there. I’ve made a habit in business of . . . I mean, people think that sometimes . . . Maybe they even think I’m a little boring for it, but I don’t get excited about opportunities. I think what is, is fun. When I get a really big offer for something, you know, Steve, the first thing I’ll say is . . . If someone says, “What was that email about?” or, “What was that phone call about?”, I’ll be like, “Oh, it’s so-and-so, they want us to go and do this thing.” And someone will be like, “That’s amazing!” And I’ll be like, “Yeah. We’ll see. We’ll see.” People think I’m being pessimistic. I’m not, I’m not being pessimistic. I’m not prepared to expend my excitement all the time in those ways.
Life is enough for me. What’s happening right now is enough for me. I don’t need for this thing that this person who just called or sent an email, I don’t need for that to be the thing that’s giving me my reason to be today. And I don’t get myself excited about everything that could happen because it’s to me a waste of energy. It takes me out of this moment right now, where I am.
And I see this in dating all the time. Instead of just being like, “I had a great date last night. It was a really cool date,” everyone’s like . . . the friends are all like, “Oh my God, tell me everything about it.” I always want to be like, “Everyone, chill the fuck out. They had a great date last night. Let it just be a great date.”
The next time you have a great date, just be like, “We had a really nice time. Whatever else happens, it was a really nice time.” And let it unfold. Don’t create the story with the people around you before anything’s even happened, because now you start to get excited about things that aren’t worthy of your excitement, that are dangerous to get excited about, because now you can’t even be surprised. You are literally living in a place where, in order for you to be happy, what this person does has to now live up to what you’ve got in your head, just for it to be on a level with what you and your friends have done. And friends are the worst for it, because they . . . If I tell people about business opportunities, they’re always like, “Oh my God, that’s so amazing. Congratulations, man.” I’m like, “Don’t celebrate something I don’t even have. It’s not even real, but you’re already giving me the accolade. You’re already giving me the credit for it, and it’s not even happened.”
If a cute guy messages you or whatever on a dating app, fine. I’m not saying don’t feel excited in that moment. I’m not saying be a robot and you get the message and you go, “Hmm, this is interesting, but it means nothing yet.” I’m saying see the message, get the little rush—by the way, as if I could stop you from getting that. I don’t have that kind of power. You’re going to get the rush. So I’m not worried about taking away your rush. You’re going to get that. But once you’ve sent the message back, go get on with your day. Now go and have a great day.
You cannot sit there now. Don’t now tell the story to four different friends. “This guy messaged me on Instagram. This guy messaged me on a dating app today. Oh, have you seen this guy that . . . Here look at him. Look at him. Look at him. Let’s all build the story together. Let’s all talk about . . .” Let them say, “Oh my God, he has a golden retriever. He’s perfect for you. You love golden retrievers. And he lives locally? Oh my God, you have to tell me what happens with this guy. You have to tell me. This is so cool. And oh my God, he said that thing and he’s wearing that top. You know how you love those sweaters? Oh my God, I’m so happy. This is so exciting.” And then two days later, “Did you go on a date with Mr. Right yet? Did you go on a date with that . . . ” You can’t compete with the story that all of your friends and your tribe is creating out of this now. Your job is not just to calm you down, it’s to chill everyone else out too, because their stuff will not help you. The way they feed into the story and amp you up, he can’t compete with that. How can he compete with that?
Things have to be allowed to happen organically, and they can only organically if you’re actually here right now. Be on the date you’re on. Be on the text you’re on. Be on the day of the courtship that you’re actually on. Don’t be on week four when you just got a message from this person this morning. Don’t be six months from now when you’re on date three. Be on the date you’re on. Be in the phase of the relationship that you’re in.
Don’t be on Return of the King when you were on The Fellowship still.
You haven’t even left the Shire, Steve.
These are Lord of the Rings, guys. Keep up. You’re on the first book, you’re reading about bloody Minas Tirith. That’s not till book three.
Now, when Sam’s leaving the Shire and he’s about to go on the quest with Frodo and he stops and he says, “If I take one more step, it will be the furthest from home I’ve ever been.” That’s a true acknowledgement of where you’re at. He’s about to take a step that’s furthest from home he’s ever been. That’s a true acknowledgement of where he’s at. “So-and-so just asked me to move in with them. If I do this, it will be the biggest commitment I’ve ever made.” That’s great. Talk about it in that moment. But talking about it before you’ve even left the Shire, Steve, no, no, no. You’re not going to get the ring to Mordor that way.
Now look, maybe your dating life right now feels a long way from Mordor. Maybe you really are still in the Shire looking to meet somebody, looking for somebody to go on the adventure with, but you’re wondering, “Do they like me? I like this person. I feel like I could go on an adventure with them, but do they really like me back?” Well if you want to know, here’s a free guide that can teach you five signs that someone actually does like you. Enjoy.