Why Do Men Only See Me As a Hookup?

Do you find that men only ever seem to chase you for sex?

In this video, I show a listener live in my Fast Track webinar Q&A how she can make a guy crazy for her personality and not just her body, by making some simple small shifts in her approach to her interactions with him.

Want a Chance for YOUR Dating Question to be Answered? Tap Below to Send Me Your Question Now…

Now in case you’ve been living under a rock or a pile of palm tree leaves… Don’t let people live under you! (Runner jogging by.) Hi… You don’t think she thought anything was weird about that did you?

In case you’ve been living under a rock, I have a membership where every month I work with my private community on getting them the most out of their love lives, whether they’re single or in a relationship. Well, on last month’s membership Webinar, there was a moment that I thought would be useful to bring to all of you. So check it out, and I will see you at the end of the clip.

Myra, how to avoid men seeing you in a sexual way only? Look, people sometimes try to see you in 2D and you need to make it impossible for people to see you in 2D. You have to make it so that someone has to see you in 3D. When someone walks into a room and you think they’re just hot, that’s 2D. When they reveal a vulnerability about themselves, when they reveal a close relationship they have with someone in their life, their sister, their cousin, their niece, their aunt, their mom… When they reveal something they’re truly passionate about, a hobby that they love doing. When they reveal something they’re geeky about, when they reveal a vision that they have for their future, when they reveal ways that they are old school romantic, these things create a 3D picture of someone, and the more 3D elements you give someone, the harder it is for them to see you in that two dimensional way anymore.

When people are seeing each other on apps and things like that, Instagram, whatever, they want to see someone as 2D so that they can… Often guys will dehumanize people by seeing them in 2D. It’s easier for me to reject someone in 2D. It’s easier for me to just be sexual, send crude messages to someone in 2D. It’s easier to send a dick pic to someone you see in 2D. Think about that. People ask, why do guys send dick pics? What is going on? But guys send dick pics to people in 2D. They’re not sending them to someone who they think of as someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone who had a difficult childhood, someone who loves painting, someone who loves writing. When someone reveals more and more and more about themselves in a way that you can no longer see them in two dimensions, they become three dimensional. And that’s when they start seeing us as more than one thing.

And that doesn’t just apply to someone seeing you only sexually, it also applies to someone seeing you just as a business person. It also applies to someone seeing you as just a yoga instructor, just a friend, just a whatever. If you want to be more than just a, you have to start paying yourself in 3D and stop putting yourself forward in 2D. And by the way, why do people put themselves forward in 2D? Because even though they don’t like to admit it, most of the time the dimension we complain about being seen in exclusively is the one we use as our power.

So a lot of people who say, “Oh, I just wish…” I know plenty of situations where there’s like women on Instagram who are saying, “I just… Guys only see me sexually,” and then their Instagram is filled with bikini pictures and you’re like, I’ve got nothing against someone putting bikini pictures. If it makes you feel good, if that’s what you like doing, great. But then don’t complain if people consistently see you in a sexual light first and foremost. Or someone who has a high flying job. Like you get men who, this is hilarious, like men who are in some high flying job or whatever, that’s all they ever fucking talk about. All they ever talk about is what they’ve achieved, their status, their power, their money, whatever. And then they’re like, “I just… you know, all these chicks, man, just want me for my money.” It’s like, yeah, douchebag. Because it’s all you ever talk about. So that’s the only dimension you’re seen in.

It tends to be whatever we secretly are most comfortable or feel most able to use as a source of validation. That’s the thing we put forward, but now what we don’t like is when we’re seen as just that. Well, if we don’t want to be seen as just that we have to start painting ourselves as three dimensional and that means bringing things into the frame that we are out of practice at bringing into the frame, or are uncomfortable to bring into the frame. Maybe because we don’t feel as accomplished in that area or because it feels more vulnerable. It feels like we’re being seen more to bring those things into the frame. But unless we’re prepared to bring all of our humanity into the frame, people are going to find it much easier to dehumanize us.

Thanks for watching everyone. I’d love to know what you think of this concept and if you want to have the chance at getting your love life question answered, go to AskMH.com. I will see you there.

46 Responses to Why Do Men Only See Me As a Hookup?

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  1. Lisa says:

    Hi Matthew, don’t send me some of your emails because is not about me, because I am not dating right now because of corona and the situation in the world..and there is no ex because it was long time ago, no breakup because there is not anybody in my life … I am alone and single … sometimes I feel not good with some of your emails when I read emails in the morning…because i am not in those situations.. (situation like ex and breakup or dating )
    I learn a lot and thank you!

  2. Anita Z. says:

    Matthew, this was a great clip. Of course, I understand your comments about bikini pics painting a person as a sexual object. This is not my personal issue, though when I was younger I was chased by all of the boys, and as a shy person, it was awful, and I tend not to put that part of myself out there. What I found compelling about this video clip, is that I tend to compartmentalize myself with friends and family, and your explanation of 2D comfort is actually correct. I know people – family and friends – see me in a certain light, because that’s what I’m comfortable showing. Thanks for helping me figure out how to begin to expand myself into 3D dimensions with those relationships. I think I have been playing a lot of my relationships safe, which keeps them unenriched (if that’s a word!). I love what you do for us as we navigate this dating thing (in my head I say, “I’m too old for this,” and “I’ve got a son in college, it’s ridiculous.” My friends say that men this age are looking for a nurse or a purse, and I’m not volunteering either). Kind regards, Anita

  3. Melissa Garza says:

    Really makes sense. I will always make it so comfortable for the person to be very vulnerable to tell me their experiences negative or positive. I just don’t always do it due to wondering if they have time to hear my positive negative experiences. I need to!!

  4. Marie says:

    Very well said Matt! And really showing our 3D and trying to learn a potential partner’s 3D might seem like it narrows the number of candidates for a serious relationship. But that would also weed out someone we may not be compatible with and would minimize the time spent and emotional investment. Then we can go on and focus on someone who truly has the unique pairings MH talks about that can suit us much better.

  5. Lasa says:

    How to date a guy who works overnight and sleeps during the day???
    By the way I don’t have Facebook or do any social media, so thanks a lot for your emails and youth tube videos!!!

  6. Melissa says:

    I don’t really find this in my circumstances. If anything I am too open about my 3D self and not enough of a ‘mystery’. I struggle to be a mystery and being mysterious appears to be the element I’m missing that attracts people.

  7. Ramona Fingersh says:

    I think that it is fairly natural to show attraction a little sexually when meeting a real person not on an app. If there is a good looking guy across the room most women would be crazy not to look. But after meeting the guy if he is interested in me the relationship should naturally shift due to conversations. Doesn’t mean I am not attracted still. I think i am saying what you said but in a different way. Thanks for sharing this.

  8. richard patrick says:

    that’s a good idea, I hadn’ thought of it before.

  9. Portia Jones says:

    I 100% agree however I feel like men total are using this 3D model to get what they want out of a woman – which in my experience has just been a hook up. Then they go back to the excise that they are just so busy and don’t have time – they go back to 2D. It’s too much of a pattern to ignore and I’m emotionally tired of sharing myself

  10. Suzannah Waterhouse says:

    I don’t use my body or looks because I don’t think I’m anything special and don’t normally post full body pictures but I still seem to get men only commenting on how good my body looks..and only wanting to bed me?

  11. Amanda says:

    The 2D, 3D concept is very true. And people complaining about other by seeing their ‘2D strength’ is very very common now you mention it. I did not realize it till now. I will be more 3D from now on ;)

  12. Sibel says:

    I am thoughtful about this video and don’t hesitate to be the devil’s advocate!
    I am not sure if it is true or not in every situation. I I complain being seen as a hook up most of the time but why I should complain being sexy at the time? And yes, it gives me a power. But, is there any man who is sexy and don’t want to be like that? I have two pics in bikini on Instagram. But also I have more than 550 pics including all dressed or in a coat or pics of some celebrities, etc… So, why men just concentre on sexy ones? There are plenty of different kind of pics and videos. Besides, I was defined sexy several times by men and women when I wore no décolleté. Maybe it is about my looks. Maybe about my society but it is same in the other countries. The thing is being sexy is not something bad, actually men should proud of their hot partners. Of course behaviors are important.
    Also, being sexy, at the same time intelligent, talented, powerful, and intellectual is worse. That is what I see. It makes you dangerous somehow. Lots of women don’t like you these kind of women and men are afraid of them.
    It seems a closed road and I don’t know the solution. What I know is, there isn’t an equality between women and men all over the world…

  13. Alice says:

    I couldn’t agree more with what you say. I’ve seen my female friends making these mistakes for a very long time. They showed their sexy side and witty side and guy automatically put them in 2D and after that, they complained they couldn’t get a serious relationship out it.
    Anyway, I think what you say is quite obvious. My therapist thinks you say valid things, but obvious (for her). I explained to her that the magic in your video lies in the words you use and how you explain concepts. My therapist told me for years -Alice, look, the colour of this couch is red-. Never completely understood. Then you come and you say -Alice, the couch you are sitting on is not yellow, or blue, or green, or violet blablalba. Which colour you might think it is?-. Magic done, I understood the concept XD

  14. Victoria says:

    The problem is, it can be really difficult to get a guy to see you in 3D if you don’t have the opportunities to reveal those character traits. Some guys just try to always force a Netflix and chill hookup type situation and won’t spend time together where you can show him you can cook, sing, dance, or whatever it is you do.

  15. Xxxxxx says:

    Presenting a 3D version of yourself only works if men are seeking relationships, or are at least open to one.
    Men who are only seeking sex and nothing else will continue see you as a hook-up, whatever you do.

  16. D says:

    How about some practical examples/tips on how to be more 3D?

  17. Jenny Shah says:

    Hi Matthew, my name is Jenny & I need help. I am in so much pain. I want my friend back so badly. He is avoiding me last one month. Pls help me. I don’t know how to contact you. But I know you are the only person can take me out from all these. I hope you will reply me & can help me. Again pls help me.

  18. Marcie says:

    After a 22 year marriage, finding myself single and totally it is the dating loop. This was very helpful! I am more than Stay at home Mom and greatly appreciate this advice! Thank you AskMH!!

  19. Amy says:

    Love your work, Matt! Truly appreciate these videos. I love that you inspire people to look at their depth of character. Really look at their behavior, review their IG where there are a million “HEY! Validate me!” pics and and actually focus attention on their value as a person. I am single and seem to find the men who are confident, know their value as a human being and treat me well are over 60. Any advice for the complex woman with self-esteem, style and personality to find someone at least the same age?

  20. Samantha says:

    Great video and so true! Thanks Matt :)

  21. Mara says:

    Matt I totally agree with you on this. As women we have to take control of how we want to be treated and not be afraid to speak up. You soon find out what kind of person you’re getting to know and if they respect you enough to treat you how you want to be treated. I’m learning. Always thought provoking info. You always give me a perspective I need to consider.

  22. Kathy says:

    Actually I don’t agree. I put out there that I am a mom, a daughter and a great friend, but once I get to know most men all they emphasis is how quickly they want to get with me. Being in a car to talk is hurtful because I’m close to them and they can’t touch me. Keep in mind I’m wearing jeans and a sweatshirt because I have tried to cut out all outfits that are flattering for the last year because I don’t want to come across as a sexy woman. Because I feel less when I get complements from my ex or the other person who does it. I have finally found a person who doesn’t do it but based on my own experiences I think he’s just smart enough to just not say anything like it.

  23. Dian Anggraeni says:

    I never been this situation before I am not in relationship for now So busy with all of the project management in the office I will let you know if I am in relationship with men so many thanks to letting me know, I love you Max

  24. Hecilyn says:

    Hahaha u make my day matt u make me smile haha

    Thank u matt ur amazing man advicing who’s people need to advice for me u big help me for my feelings and
    I realize to move on
    Im happy to be single I will continue my dreams in my life

    Thank you so much Matt I always read ur mail and see ur video

    Thank you so much matt for sharing this video

  25. georgia j thomas says:

    This is one of your most helpful videos.
    It pithily references the technological evolution of the dating world …. and the only way we seem to be meeting someone today : in a 2 dimensional virtual manner … the way you deftly weave in the concept of promoting one’s self in a 3D manner and then you cross reference between a woman’s portrayal of herself or conversely the way in which a man profiles himself (if at all possible via his wealth) is masterfully executed … great gender balance … Guys, whilst giving stuff away isn’t at all profitable I think your brand equity benefits considerably… even if that benefit is only reflected beyond your balance sheet … keep up the great work :)

  26. Kat says:

    Thank you Matt. Spot on as usual.

  27. Cynthia Kinsley says:

    Excellent lesson.

    It hit the sweet spot.

    (Yah, pun intended…).


  28. Laurie says:

    Great insight and remedy to being thought of as “just a (fill in the blank).” Be conscious about turning your 2D into 3D. Brilliant and unique perspective that I’ve never heard of before.

  29. vera says:

    Thank you for sharing another brilliant insight which seems to be just bubbling out of this fascinating mind of yours. Personally, I think this might perhaps have been your third most ground-breaking concept, after (1)`bliss point` and (2) `high energy but low investment` (basing level of investment not on how much you like him but rather on how much he invests back).

    Even if I`m not sure whether this actually works, I do have a feeling that if you consequently use it together with the other two concepts, the chances of a person seeing you as a hookup will most likely become negligibly small.

    However, reconciling concept 2 and 3 might get a bit tricky at times.

    Keep it up!

  30. Kate says:

    @Mimi Warner and all women that had similar horrible experiences: I’m sorry this happened to you. It was NOT your fault!

    You don’t need a dating expert in this case like Matthew. He is good for DATES, your love live etc. You have been the victim of a CRIME. That is a completely different thing!!! Even though you may have been on a date/meeting/etc. with the perpetrator: You did not ask for it and what Matthew describes is advice for women that have actual dates and consensual sex with men, but don’t end up in good relationships and now seek his advice. These tips are NOT suitable for crime victims!

    If you feel like the experiences of rape and abuse have an impact on your actual dating live, please seek psycholigical counseling first and just then bother about dating advice. Please take good care of your physical and psychological help.

  31. Holly K says:

    Well said! Concise and to the point. Thank you. The next thing is how to introduce those things.

  32. precious munyama says:

    Matthew who is my guy please tell me I want to him I say so coz I’m just blindly I don’t know what is taking place in this program now I’m fed up just hammer the nail on the head

  33. Alana Cress says:

    So your saying the reason why majority of men objectify me is because I put myself out there as a 2 dimensional being that is objectionable? Has nothing todo with there brain seeing my red hair and following societal views on redheads as being sex symbols?
    My first impression comes across as very loud and intimidating . I’ve been told this countless times. I am quick to boredom and impatience with small talk and what I call “surface ppl”. I am a very deep and passionate person. What’s the point of waisting time with anything that is dull. I want to hear about detailed travels your thoughts on the cosmos how to make the impossible possible. I’m really good at taking the most subtle thought to such a deeper level that it flows into 16 different topics and comes full circle back around to the first, talking for hrs into the night.
    And yet, no matter if a guy is seeing me walk into a room for the first time or has had many conversations has spent days weeks or months getting to know me. Boom im objectified as only a sex object.
    Dont get me wrong Matt. You have a point. I do agree that 2d personas are easily seen as just one thing. But this is not an answer to my issue of being seen as only this or that. I easily pass straight through 3d to a 4d persona within 5 mins of meeting me. Men still pursue one thing. My time is to valuable to be waisted on such types . Cant expect to find a good match if I constantly have to tell em to kick rocks .
    So what’s another way to stop them from Objectifying you if you are showing them your more then a 3d persona? Hmm?

  34. Anastasia Portnova says:

    Ha ha Matt , why are u so funny?

  35. Shreemoyee Sen says:

    Wonderfully described! And makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing this. I have had this exact question on my mind since a long time now.

  36. Lacey says:

    Absolutely perfect.
    I generally fear putting those things forward and out there, because it took alot for me to get to where I am. I feel that somehow they will see all that ugly first and not see who I am and becoming.
    But you are right,it those are the topics that really get a conversation going and connection started.

  37. amber says:


    I want to tell you how much I appreciate this video… it was definitely an “ahaha” moment! Thank you for helping us ladies out!

    Amber Lynn

  38. Zara says:

    I love this Matthew, thank you for this video. Useful advice not just where being seen as a sex object is concerned but about what seems to be what we put out there for validation or as validative. Very heavy food for thought. Perfectly explained. Xx

  39. Allison says:

    First how you make a guy notice you?

  40. Carol says:

    Really helpful and accurate advise! Thank you.

  41. Denise says:

    I can see what you are saying but I don’t present myself that way and I still get guys who just want sex .

  42. TJ says:

    Perfect explanation!

  43. Bethaney Scalf says:

    Excellent advice and video!!! WOW I had never thought of it that way. I have been playing the old tapes of only have sex as my power and attractiveness. And there is so much more interesting about me than that so this video made it clear to me how to change my interactions. Truly brilliant!!! Thank you!

  44. Anna says:

    This was amazing insight and advice.
    Top , Matthew

  45. Cynthia says:

    Wow!!! Matthew you are so spot on with this video! Vulnerability is your strength! It’s the only true way to be seen and valued. Even if that person isn’t receptive to what you’re giving out, it’s still a win for you. Look at each experience with a guy as practice and free therapy. Yes! I said THERAPY Through the process of dating and being vulnerable while doing so you learn so much about yourself and others. You begin to develop REAL connections with others instead of superficial ones. Give it a try! Most of us have tried everything else that hasn’t worked in our favor. I can bear witness that taking on this new approach to dating has gotten me some pretty good results with my current guy.

  46. Mimi Warner says:

    I disagree.
    I’m a very open person. I talk about my interests and what I’m passionate about.
    It doesn’t make a scrap of difference.
    I once saw someone as a friend for three years. He knew all about the real me.
    Turns out he didn’t give a monkeys about all that.
    After all those years he drugged and raped me.
    This isn’t the first time it’s happened.
    I’m sick to death of men hitting on me. They treat you like you’re there to entertain them.
    They think that you want what they want.
    I DON’T ! But they never get it.
    Now I’ve had 59 years of this! Sick of how men think it’s ok to treat you like that. So basically on my own all the time. Stopped wearing make-up and doing my hair. Just want to blend in and not attract any more A holes. Yes there’s good guys out there.
    They’re never interested in me ‍♀️

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