You may have been taught that when the right person shows up, you’ll just know it.

But then how do we find ourselves in situations in life where we fall really hard for the wrong people – people who hurt us, people who are toxic, people who don’t love us back? And what does this say about the dangers of “love at first sight”?

Matthew:

I suppose love at first sight is an enduring concept because it’s a romantic one, but the whole idea of love at first sight I know in practice to be a very scary thing. I’ve been there. I’ve walked past people, seen someone who looks a certain way, smiles a certain way, has a certain energy, and, without even speaking to them, inside my head gone, “I love her.” I know nothing about this person, and like you – I’m sure you’ve experienced the same thing – I’ve even had a shot with those people where I’ve dated them, and then a few weeks later gone, “I was so wrong about that.” Then you look back at that moment and you go, “What an idiot. What was I thinking.” When you hear married people say, “It was love at first sight,” that’s a story that’s always told by the victors, by the people that it actually worked for. But for every one of those, there’s a hundred people who thought it was love at first sight and ended up with someone incredibly toxic who was bad for them.

Now, why does that happen? Because we take the 5% that we know of someone, let’s say after a first date or after three dates and, because that 5% represented something we like, the energy they had, the charisma they had, we now take that 5% and our brain projects, extrapolates, builds a picture of the other 95% we don’t know. Now, based on this false 95% or, at least, at best, something that’s yet to be proved to be true, we start to over-invest. We get over eager. We start to give way too much time and energy and commitment to this person based on our projection, not based on the reality. There’s a line in Jurassic Park – watch me tie something that was said in a dinosaur movie to your love life.

“Yeah. Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I believe our insecurities, our emotions, the infatuated part of us spend so much time worrying about whether we could get someone, it doesn’t stop to question whether we should get that person. When you meet someone, no matter how much they appear on the surface to represent what you want, remember that there is a whole world of qualities and standards that have yet to be revealed, that can only be revealed in that person by actually experiencing things with them and seeing them in different contexts and different environments, that without which you cannot possibly know whether this is the person that you be with. That thought alone should get you out of “sell mode” in dating and into “buy mode.” As much as I want to impress someone else, I’m also assessing someone else for the position of long-term partner. Not an easy position to fill and I need you to remind yourself of that the next time you are obsessing, creating anxiety, worrying or allowing your emotions to get carried away with your idea of someone else in the early stages of dating. Love at first sight is an extremely dangerous idea.

So that’s it. Love at first sight. Let me know what you think. We’re starting to get excited, aren’t we, Jameson? Retreat’s coming up.

Jameson :

What what?

Matthew:

Two weeks baby, until we go to Florida for my live six-day Retreat. Jameson’s coming. You’re already wearing your Retreat hoodie. Can we see it? This is complete coincidence right now, but just… They don’t even need to see your face, just show them the back of it.

Jameson :

I wouldn’t dream of showing them my face.

Matthew:

We are going in two weeks to this thing, I cannot wait. It is my favorite event of the entire year. If you’ve ever thought about applying to the Retreat, you should do it now, because even if you’ve missed the boat for October, the Retreat coming up in two weeks, we’ve got another one coming up in May, and 2020 is a landmark year. I think we should all be focused on how to make 2020 our greatest year ever, and I know of no better way to do that than spending six days together working on your emotions, your confidence, your direction in life, where you’re getting your fulfillment from, your happiness, your relationships, everything. It’s an amazing experience. You should apply. I’ll leave a link here.

For everyone who is coming in two weeks, I cannot wait to see you and give you a hug in person. My God, it’s going to be an amazing six days. I will see you soon, and I’ll see the rest of you in the next video.